Every Sunday, we peer into The Hard Times’ vast vinyl archives to review a classic album. This week, we attempt to decipher the Sex Pistols’ game-changing debut “Never Mind the Bollocks, Here’s the Sex Pistols.”
Historians debate whether or not the London quartet’s sole LP is the first punk album ever. But one thing is certain- it is written in a nearly indecipherable language called British English. Fear not! You are in luck. I studied this strange, archaic language by watching a few episodes of “The I.T. Crowd” repeatedly and thus can finally translate the record’s meaning to American audiences.
Let’s start with the title. “Bollocks” is a popular British English term for testicles, and it is wildly offensive. I apologize for typing the word in the previous sentence. “Sex” is some sort of ritualistic reproductive dance that I need to investigate further. “Pistols” is an American English loan word meaning “cute gun.” Put them all together, and what do you get? Actually, I haven’t quite cracked the code on that yet. But if you figure it out, please let me know.
The tracklist contains even more mystery. “Holidays in the Sun” conjures images of Christmas or Flag Day, but in England, the word “holiday” has a closer meaning to vacation. So it’s not about Halloween, you fucking dolt. It’s about being dragged by your parents to the beach for four days right in the middle of July. “Rubbish,” as the Brits (British people) would say.
The most infamous song from the album may be “God Save the Queen.” The titular Queen is the British rock band fronted by Freddie Mercury. The Sex Pistols could sense that they were ushering in a musical sea change with their anthems of punk rebellion, but didn’t want the public to forget their “mates” (friends) in another band. Musicologists call it “the greatest display of friendship in any art form ever.”
Lastly, the album’s cover features a stark yellow and pink design, though it is sometimes orange and green if you look at it between two and five in the morning. Yellow represents the rest of Europe, while pink symbolizes a pissed-off United Kingdom in the year 2020. The album cover accurately predicted Brexit to the exact year.
And what about the musical performances? I wouldn’t know. My record player is broken. Can I borrow yours so I can finish this review?
Score: 9.5 letter U’s in the word “colour” out of ten