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Millennial Audiophile Prefers Warm, Crisp Sound of Music Downloaded From LimeWire

ROCK HALL, Md. — Local 34-year-old audiophile Jacob Mastinson revealed that he prefers the warm and crisp sound of music exclusively downloaded from LimeWire, heavily eye-rolling sources confirmed.

“The quality you get on this peer-to-peer file-sharing application is second to none,” said Mastinson before stating that burned CDs offer the second-best sound. “Just today I was listening to a song I downloaded called ‘Mr. Brightside’ by the band Interpol on my $35 refurbished computer speakers, and I simply could not get over the quality. The warmth. The brightness. The way it cut off 90 seconds into the song seemingly out of nowhere. It’s the only way to truly experience music in this day and age. These kids today simply don’t have an appreciation for it. Neither does anyone older than me, for that matter.”

Mastinson’s roommate Linda Berkshire really wishes he’d get off his high horse.

“I can’t play vinyl on my record player through professional speakers that cost me hundreds of dollars without him telling me it’d sound more like the artist intended if I played a heavily-compressed MP3 version instead,” said Berkshire while eating leftover Thai food in the fridge that had the words “Jacob’s, please don’t eat” written on the container. “To make matters worse, he doesn’t know the actual names of half of the songs he downloads from LimeWire. Yesterday he told me his favorite song was ‘Smells Underscore Like Underscore Teen Underscore Spirit 426789.’ Can’t believe this guy aspires to be an audio engineer one day.”

Experts were quick to note that audiophiles come in all shapes and sizes.

“Every generation seems to have their own version of sound quality appreciators,” said music historian Ron Dansberry. “Millennials typically favor music they obtained through file-sharing methods. Gen X audiophiles on the other hand prefer vinyl. Boomers think 8-track tapes were the height of audio quality. And Gen Zers exclusively play music that’s been remixed so much that it’s unlistenable to other generations. There was even a short-lived cassette-based audiophile group, but they faded out pretty quickly after learning how inconvenient it is to listen to a tape. It’s anyone’s guess as to what the future holds for ever-evolving audiophiles.”

At press time, Mastinson noted that AOL Instant Messenger was the pinnacle of online social interaction.