I’ve always dreamed of one day meeting my higher self. I want to really connect with my true nature, unadulterated by ego and the insecurities therein. But I didn’t think it was actually possible for me to achieve this. However, by quieting my mind and listening to the silence, I can attest that I was able to meet my higher self.
And Lord, talk about smug.
I knew something was off when I saw it sitting there with a look of total bliss yet also presence. Can you imagine how exhausting it must be trying to maintain that shtick? And then it says we can get started “whenever.” I wasn’t falling for any mind games, so I sat right down and said it’d better give me some enlightenment fast if it knew what’s good for it.
Of course, you ask this prick a question and it just throws it right back at you. “What does enlightenment mean to you?” I shit you not. That’s literally what it asked, all with an expression that screamed, “I find a way to slip the fact that I went to an Ivy League school into every conversation.” When I didn’t respond it said, “Perhaps this is a question not to be answered, but to be examined throughout life and beyond.”
Christ, what dorm room pot party did I stumble into?
I told it right then and there that I wasn’t going to listen to any more bullshit and that I knew a scam when I saw one. I figured that would provoke some righteous fear. Well, here came the wannabe Gautama’s crowning achievement: “Our thoughts and emotions can take us to many places. But through patience and practice, not admonishment, we can work with them, not against them.”
Like I was gonna dignify that with a response.
I got out fast. I thought I was in the clear after that but I keep running into it. And it’s always got that same insufferable look on its face. Wow, way to try and suck the fun out of putting off sleep to mock crypto bros on Twitter.
Still, I learned a lot from this experience. Mostly, the fact that my higher self is a deluded narcissist who refuses to consider anyone else’s perspective. In a way, it’s kind of sad, really. I just hope it gets its shit together eventually.