Every The Used Album Ranked Worst to Best

Posted on by Scott Waldman

Orem, Utah’s The Used formed in 2000, and set the tone for much of the early-aughts Myspace era of rock with their 2002 self-titled LP. While we will get to that record later and its possibly predictable ranking in this sterling piece, we want to let you know that yes, they have more than two studio albums, in fact, they have NINE, who knew? Lastly, another thing for you forever unhappy and bitter readers, please don’t bitch about how we royally screwed up what specific track is mentioned in the “skip it” section, the literal thoughts of tarnished hope, as we legally have to notate one for the majority of the records in these ranking articles that you love to hate. Kinda funny. Just simply enjoy this album ranking from least to best for the four-piece while we drink and dance the night away.

9. The Canyon (2017)

The Used’s seventh record “The Canyon” is almost universally known by the group’s fans as a meh and way-too-long misstep for the band, but 2017 itself had a huge gaffe and was doomed from the start being that it was Trump’s first year as President of the United States, which seems to have really worked out for him. Anyway, this is The Used’s sole effort produced by nu-metal paladin Ross Robinson, the record doesn’t get repeated spins over and over again, but it still has some solid tunes.
 
Play it again: “For You”
Skip it: “Moving The Mountain (Odysseus Surrenders)”

8. Vulnerable (2012)

2012’s “Vulnerable,” The Used’s fifth studio album, is the band’s first non-major label LP effort and hit stores almost exactly ten years after the four-piece’s breakout debut. While it is (wait for it, wait for it) a VULNERABLE-in-the-best-way overall listen, and “I Come Alive” is a hell of an opening track, the remaining eleven songs sadly aren’t in the same league overall, and provided the act with less of a chance to shine. It’s hard for any band with such an expansive catalog to consistently wow everyone, but “This Fire” and “Now That You’re Dead” are both literal bangers and silver medal song entries even though, as Ricky Bobby said in a different fashion, “Second place is the first loser.” Still, you should check both of those tracks out again, and immediately thereafter shake/bake!
 
Play it again: “I Come Alive”
Skip it: “Getting Over You”

7. Imaginary Enemy (2014)

Real talk that may cause force without violence: “Cry” is the band’s best post-major label single from 2010-the present day, and we’re not taking any further questions on the matter, as our love is not a battle, it’s a ticking time bomb. Yeah. 2014’s “Imaginary Enemy” is The Used’s best Hopeless Records release, and despite the fact that you didn’t realize that the band had a song newer than 2004’s “All That I Got,” it even charted at number one on the Independent albums chart. That’s not make believe! Said stat probably caught you off guard as you’re so deep. In closing, this album is also longtime guitarist Quinn Allman’s last with the band.
 
Play it again: “Cry”
Skip it: “El-Oh-Vee-Ee”

6. Toxic Positivity (2023)

This album from The Used definitely has the band’s best LP title and album cover. “Toxic Positivity” has a solid flow front-to-back and features a diverse array of tones and textures throughout its eleven fruitful tracks. Speaking of the word “fruitful,” there’s nothing toxic about cherries unless you’re allergic to them. The prior sentence makes sense (as well as so many other brilliant ones here) if you deep dive into the band’s colorful catalog, which is so much more than strictly blue and yellow. Sky. Pee. Toxic positivity. Easter eggs are great for our headspace. Anyway, this album is the band’s shortest full-length, with no individual song being longer than three-minutes and thirty-five seconds, so if a particular tune offends you, and we know that at least one or more will for you punk rockers, you can make it through the rest quite quickly instead of giving up.
 
Play it again: “Giving Up”
Skip it: “Dancing with a Brick Wall”

5. Heartwork (2020)

There were two eras of the early part of the pandemic (or plandemic if you nasty): The oft-forgotten-like-his-character-in-“Castaway” Tom Hanks’ self-quarantine period in Daniel Johns’ Australia, where The Used vocalist Bert McCracken currently resides, and the impossible-to-erase-from-your-mind-no-matter-how-hard-you-try rise of Netflix’s incomparable sleeper hit “The Tiger King’.’ 2020’s “Heartwork,” the band’s best non-major label release, was released shortly after the big, wanna-be Joe Exotic’s original “country” music caused the internet to have a permanent bloody nose from the metaphorical accident known as his two LPs. What a weird time to be alive! In closing, “Heartwork” is current guitarist Joey Bradford’s debut effort with the band, and the four-piece’s first for label Big Noise.
 
Play it again: “Paradise Lost, a poem by John Milton”
Skip it: “My Cocoon”

4. Artwork (2009)

Fun fact: The band originally wanted to work with Weezer’s extremely lovable/hateable/revered/doomed frontman Rivers Cuomo on their fourth album “Artwork,” but ended up not exactly settling with platinum-and-then-some-producer Matt Squire for this one, the band’s first non-John Feldmann production effort. This eleven-song record is without question the band’s best sans Feldy, and their most underrated body of work altogether. Sadly, it seems that this album’s then-label Reprise Records showcased that they were born to quit just as the album cycle started, as the band had a chance to release only one single from “Artwork” before the suits quietly gave up on the other ten songs and the entire LP as a whole. We suppose that the relationship between Reprise and The Used was meant to die a short and painless death after a lucrative run, but there will be forever blood on the hands of the conglomerate label. You cigar-toting bigwigs with no semblance of taste know who you are!
 
Play it again: “Men Are All The Same” EVEN THOUGH ACCORDING TO PUBLIC SETLISTS THE BAND MAY NOT HAVE EVER PLAYED THIS ONE LIVE
Skip it: “Watered Down” BECAUSE ACCORDING TO PUBLIC SETLISTS THE BAND MAY NOT HAVE EVER PLAYED THIS ONE LIVE

3. In Love and Death (2004)

Lunacy fringe from us: For the next three LPs listed, we don’t recommend skipping ANY tracks, so read on, loser. The Used’s second album “In Love and Death” is their biggest seller to date, but it’s set in stone in the bronze medal spot here, and could stay a while. If you feel differently, your opinion is wrong. That blunt posit wasn’t hard to say, and moving forward, you need to update yesterday’s feelings with more quality control. Anyway, if you were at a tour date for this record in the fall of 2004 with The Bronx, Head Automatica, and Atreyu opening like we were, you were both on the right side of the bed and history. This frenetic-in-the-best-way album was eventually reissued with an Adam Lambert feature on a My Chemical Romance cover with Bert Bowie, but smart and astute readers like you already knew that.
 
Play it again: “Listening”
Skip it: If you skip any, our love for you will turn into your death

2. Lies for the Liars (2007)

This one’s a ripper: 2007’s “Lies for the Liars,” The Used’s third studio record and first without current Rancid drummer Branden Steineckert, is a extremely diverse and beyond solid introduction to the band for those who missed the first two LPs for whatever reason and/or were born after Alana “Honey Boo Boo” Thompson. We stand by our 100% factual opinion that this record is their second most underrated just after its follow-up “Artwork,” and hope to find a way for you to feel exactly the same about this non-subjective point of possible but unjustified contention. The record sounds like it utilized the biggest budget allotted to the band over the course of its twenty-plus year career in the best way, as it sounds HUGE AF and so, so lush. The four-piece pulled out all the stops on this one, that’s for sure! Time has been kind to this album as it still holds up like the next-to-be-mentioned AND kills.
 
Play it again: “Hospital”
Skip it: We’re not fibbing by reminding you that nothing should be skipped here either

1. Self-Titled (2002)

A post-9/11 concert trump card was witnessing The Used open for H2O as direct support and Box Car Racer in the headlining slot on their only fully national tour. If we’re being honest, it’s a daring, daring move to have your debut album be a self-titled one, but The Used excels in Word’s bold and italic fonts. This may get us canceled, but so will everything that we say and don’t say: The Used’s 2002 LP known as “The Used” is one of the best debut rock albums to be released this century and that wasn’t meant to be funny. If you have any further questions, you’re gonna have to ask nicer than that.
 
Play it again: “Buried Myself Alive”
Skip it: It would be a poetic tragedy if you skipped any of these incredible songs

 

Punk House at Impasse as No One Can Agree What Constitutes “Garbage”

Posted on by Ben Friedman

OAKLAND, Calif. — Tenants of a local punk house are locked in a bitter discourse of what actually constitutes garbage, despite weeks of living amongst their own growing filth, frustrated neighbors reported.

“I knew this chore wheel would bite us on the ass one day. Every time it’s someone else’s turn to take out the trash, we all get stuck on the definition of ‘trash’ and suddenly it’s six hours later and nobody feels like addressing it. We all get that it has to be done but if we’re really sticking to our DIY ethos, then any of these empty beer cans and takeout containers can be repurposed for something. We’re just not sure what yet,” said Jim Callahan from a chair made of pizza boxes and milk crates. “I know this shit’s piling up and we’re inhaling toxic fumes and mold, but I don’t think we’re going to agree on what has to go anytime soon. At least not while we have a literal load-bearing tower of phone books.”

While the tenants were careful to not rush to conclusions, their landlord has been growing increasingly impatient with the accumulating refuse.

“I can accept them flooding the bathroom, cigarette burns on the walls, and illegal basement shows since all that damage can be painted over. But I have been getting nonstop complaints from the neighbors about the goddam smell. Just put the shit on the curb and someone will take it! How fucking hard is that?” said Sal Wilkins. “Every week they rope me into their debates about the ethics of not contributing to landfills while I try not to projectile vomit. I don’t care if they built a ‘guest house’ out of soiled mattresses in the back, if the HOA reports it I’m going to get fined out the ass.”

Conflict mediators stepped in to deliver a quick and sanitary resolution for the deadlocked residents.

“I specialize in hoarder situations, but this is the first time I’ve seen four in the same house. I started by asking them to separate everything into piles of what was necessary and what they can live without, and they just threw some expired antibiotics at me so I guess there’s my answer,” said Mary Kelly. “Assigning arbitrary value to junk is a root cause of not throwing anything away, but I don’t think it’s a mental illness issue as much as it’s just pure laziness.”

At press time, the roommates agreed that anything that said “bill” or “past due” can be thrown away immediately.

We Asked 12 Sneakerheads What They Tried and Failed To Make Their “Thing” Before Getting All the Way Down to Sneakerhead

Posted on by Dan Rice

Personalities can be hard to cultivate. Many people find the self-awareness, honesty, and leg work involved in developing them to be daunting. Luckily, life provides various shortcuts and workarounds via hobbies.

Cars. Craft beer. Soccer fandom. These are just three examples of the many things society has deemed appropriate for a person to hang their entire identity on. With so many acceptable avenues for those who wish to remain 2-d characters, why is it that some adult human beings choose to make collecting sneakers their “thing?”

How many things does a person need to try and fail to get into before their stated passion in life becomes participating in capitalism at its most notoriously exploitative level? That’s what we decided to find out.

We found 12 self-proclaimed “sneakerheads” (ugh,) and asked them what failed interests led them to such an asinine path.

Todd John, Salesman

God, what haven’t I tried?! I was a flying drone guy, a guy whose always working on his truck, a guy whose always talking about buying a boat, I even watched college rugby for a year. None of those hobbies really reflected the hollowness I feel inside at all times.

Mark Fern, Car Stereo Installer

I grew up in a community with a really thriving hip-hop scene. I struggled to fit in because music and words never interested me. Then I noticed all of the hip-hop people wore shoes and I was like “Hey, I can do that!” Now, everyone calls me “The shoe guy” and I’ve had sex more than once. Life is pretty great.

Russell Bennings, Contractor

A significant relationship with another human being. Next Question.

Damien Rucker, Unemployed

Oh, I have a ton of other interests, I just like wearing expensive kicks as a status symbol. Plus I’m earnestly a huge fan of inflated overhead costs and barbaric child labor.

Pete Swalinsky, Jersey Mike’s Manager

Vintage. Air. Jordans. I’m just gonna keep repeating that until you go away.

Andrew Wentworth, Telemarketer

Funny story actually, I used to be obsessed with model trains. One day I asked a store clerk where the trains were, and he thought I said “trainers,” as in sneakers, and I was too shy to correct him, so I now I do this.

DJ Laz, Cashier

Before my sneaker obsession, and you might wanna sit down because you’re not even going to believe this, I was a DJ!

Abraham Benjamin, Car Stereo Thief

Technically I’m also a father, but I’m non-practicing.

Peter Marsh, Bartender

Cocaine. It just wasn’t expensive enough.

Eric Hart, Unemployed

Oh, I’m still a lot of other things. I’m an entrepreneur, an obsessive-compulsive, and a stalker.

Mark Hamlen, Customer Service Representative

Playing basketball. I was never very good at it, except for the part where you buy the shoes, so I leaned into that.

Albert Cross, Software Engineer

Look, I know it’s lame, but this is the least violent way my neurosis can manifest itself so just let me have this.

As Part of Our Court Ordered Community Service We Ranked The Best and Worst Metal Band From Every State

Posted on by Zachary Wolf

Every state thinks they have the best metal band around. They also think your state has the worst metal band ever. Are you gonna let them talk about your scene like that?

Here we present the best and worst metal band from every state, thus settling your little squabble. Luckily for you, we’re experts and we know what we’re talking about, so you can use this list as hard scientific evidence the next time some out-of-towner tries to tell you their state has better metal bands than yours does. And yeah, we picked our bands from the thousands of niche metal sub-genres. Deal with it.

Alabama

BEST: Cancerslug
 
Cancerslug’s discography covers horror punk, black metal, and death rock mixed with an alarming amount of male rage. The band has a lot of good stuff, but if you happen upon a Cancerslug fan older than 15 or so just put your head down and exit the room without making eye contact.
 
WORST: Temple of Blood
 
As is the case with many thrash bands, the excitement of hearing Temple of Blood’s sweet palm-muted riffs is quickly extinguished once the singer begins his clumsy mix of spoken word, pitchy falsetto, and half-baked harmonies. Not only that, Temple of Blood doesn’t even have the decency to adorn their album covers with brightly colored skeletons playing in nuclear waste barrels like a good thrash band should.

Alaska

BEST: 36 Crazyfists
 
36 Crazyfists is one of those bands you first heard about in high school and then spent the next twenty or so years not listening to them. And that’s okay, there’s a lot of music out there and you have a life to live. As a matter of fact, we just listened to the band for the first time ourselves, and it turns out they play an infectious brand of radio friendly metalcore that should make any king crab fisherman want to drop their nets and go mosh on the poop deck.
 
WORST: Turbid North
 
Full disclosure: Turbid North is actually pretty badass, but they abandoned their native Alaska for the warmer pastures of Fort Worth, Texas. Leaving Alaska is a rite of passage for every Alaskan, so we’re not faulting them for that. Hell, even 36 Crazyfists relocated to Seattle in the ‘90s. But Alaska to Texas is a pretty long distance and we’re certain that the band’s parents don’t get to see them nearly as much as they would like to.

Arizona

BEST: Gatecreeper
 
If you think that Florida is the only laughably conservative state that can churn out top-shelf death metal, think again, because Gatecreeper proves beyond the shadow of a doubt that Arizona brings it. Their 2021 EP An Unexpected Reality features “Emptiness,” an 11-minute death-doom opus that gives the band plenty of room to breathe while moving through wave after wave riffy, doomy goodness. Death metal purists might balk at such a progressive approach to head bangery, but since when have we listened to what death metal purists had to say?
 
WORST: Gridlokt
 
Nu-metal is experiencing a worldwide renaissance as metalheads everywhere pretend to enjoy the bands they hated 20 years ago. Gridlokt is not one of those bands. We don’t hold the band’s childish internet-speak spelling against them, but we will make fun of them for basing their awful name around the completely un-metal concept of traffic congestion and poor urban planning.

Arkansas

BEST: Pallbearer
 
When it comes to modern doom metal, few modern bands command the level of respect that Pallbearer does. You just don’t hear people speak badly about them. Their work has even been praised by The New York Times, NPR, and other publications with way less credibility than The Hard Times. Now if you’ll excuse us we’re going to go airbrush a sweet Pallbearer mural on the side of our van.
 
WORST: Evanescence
 
We’re just as surprised as you are to learn that Evanescence is from Arkansas, of all places. They have lots of fans no doubt, but we’d rather listen to Bill Clinton read the phonebook than endure another play of “Bring Me to Life.”

California

BEST: Testament
 
Testament is the single best metal band to ever emerge from California. For more than 40 years the band has consistently released ass-kicking albums that never sound dated or out of time. Even my non-metal-fan girlfriend couldn’t tell the difference between old and new songs when we saw them last year.The fact that Testament is not considered one of the so-called “big four” of thrash is nothing short of a travesty.
 
ACTUAL BEST METAL BAND FROM CALIFORNIA: Metallica (their ’80s output is like early seasons of ‘The Simpsons” it just can’t be denied)
 
WORST: Ratt
 
The Hollywood glam scene in the 1980s was full of burnouts and straight up sexual predators. But Ratt was different. They were good kids from good families, and had they stayed in school they could have worked hard and really made something of themselves. Instead got way into partying and became just another group of has-beens. These days Ratt can be found desperately hoping to book county fair gigs opening for much more successful bands like Dokken, Winger, and Nelson.

Colorado

BEST: Cephalic Carnage
 
Punishing mile-high metalheads since 1992, Cephalic Carnage is easily the best metal band from Colorado. Furthermore, they’re one of a small selection of metal bands with something of a sense of humor, which is odd considering the whole genre is such a big joke.
 
WORST: Dogs of Pleasure
 
This forgettable Colorado-based glam rock outfit only released one album before doing the rest of the world a favor and breaking up before anyone realized what was happening.

Connecticut

BEST: Hatebreed
 
On top of being named the best metal band from Connecticut by The Hard Times, Hatebreed was recently given a lifetime achievement award by the New Haven Crossfit branch as well, further cementing their legacy.
 
WORST: Crossing Rubicon
 
Crossing Rubicon is doing their part to make sure that glam rock remains dead, buried, and where it belongs, because there’s no way in hell anyone ever listened to Crossing Rubicon and thought “more of this please.”

Delaware

BEST: Foreign Hands
 
Foreign Hands plays the kind of hardcore that was popular in the early 2000s. With chugging guitars ready to break down at any instant, soft interludes, and a mixture of clean and screaming vocals. Now we’re suddenly feeling nostalgic for those hardcore shows in high school that featured like 25 bands for five bucks.
 
WORST: Vinne Moore
 
Vinnie Moore is a great guitar player, don’t get us wrong. But great guitar players are dime a dozen, so who gives a shit? We’ve always wondered why great guitarists release albums that sound like metal albums with all the evil-sounding stuff taken out, and the UFO guitarist’s solo records are no exception.

Florida

BEST: Death
 
Death’s impression on the modern metal scene is undeniable. Formed in 1983, Death would become one of the most influential metal bands of all time, evolving from the punk inspired “Leprosy” into the more technical overtures of “Symbolic and The Sound of Perseverance.” Regrettably, band leader Chuck Schuldiner succumbed to brain cancer in 2001, leaving behind a trailblazing discography that inspired an entire subgenre full of bands that are much, much, much worse than Death ever was.
 
WORST: Six Feet Under
 
Included among bands that are much worse than Death ever was is Six Feet Under. After being replaced in Cannibal Corpse by George “Corpsegrinder” Fisher’s neck, vocalist Chris Barnes created Six Feet Under and has underwhelmed audiences ever since. This, despite the fact that nearly a third of the band’s discography comprises covers from bands that are much, much, much better than Six Feet Under ever was.

Georgia

BEST: Mastodon
 
One thing that sets Mastodon apart from other stoner metal bands is that they feature elements of that “fuck you” feeling you get from other genres like punk or thrash without sacrificing the melodic grooves that stoner metal is known for. The band’s albums have garnered near universal acclaim since their first full length was released in 2002. Many of Mastodon’s records are concept albums centered around themes that include Moby Dick, being stranded on a mountain, and getting lost in the desert. They also have a whole album about a paraplegic that travels the universe through astral projection and gets sucked into a wormhole after having his golden umbilical cord burned off by the sun, maaaannn.
 
WORST: Fozzy
 
If you think that Atlanta’s Fozzy is going to be terrible just because it’s led by pro wrestler Chris Jericho, you’re right. They’ve released eight studio albums since 2000, and each one is worse than the one that came before it. Though we must admit that sometimes even a blind squirrel finds a nut, as we’ve had Fozzy’s “Judas” stuck in our head for years.

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Babbling 18-Month-Old Sued By Red Hot Chili Peppers for Plagiarism

Posted on by Rob Ryder

BURKE, Va. – Local tiny baby Liam Darton was sued by Warner Records on behalf of the Red Hot Chili Peppers after a Tik-Tok video of the child babbling incoherently was found to bear a strong resemblance to several of the band’s songs, confirmed lawyers for the family.

“I could tell from the day we brought him home that little Liam was musically talented and I get that his style is at times similar to Keidis,” said the boy’s father Jon Darton. “But this whole case is just asinine. I’d never allow the Chili Peppers to be played in my house. Liam may have heard like 20 seconds of ‘Black Summer’ on the radio a few times, but only because you couldn’t escape that goddamn song. Beyond that, he has no reference to their music, everything he does is completely original and this is clearly some sort of cash grab.”

Anthony Kiedis, lead singer of the Red Hot Chili Peppers initially smiled upon finding the video, but suddenly was taken aback at the lyrical content.

“People kept sending me a video of this kid with over 1.5 million views just sort of vibing in the cling clong shamma lamma ding dong,” said Kiedis while receiving another tattoo of California on his torso. “When he launched into the ‘chikka chikka dee, do me like a banshee, low brow is how, swimmin’ in a sound of bow wow wow,’ and I just felt it in my soul. He completely lifted that from a very personal poem about my own grief at the loss of a close friend. Which I later used as the basis for the lyrics to ‘Suck My Kiss.’ It doesn’t matter how talented this baby is, he’s still a thief.”

Warner Records Lawyer Mindy Sawyer stated that the case is nothing more than a simple copyright infringement.

“My clients have no desire to see young Liam with the piggies in the hoosegow, or end up lickety split go snap, snap,” said Sawyer. “We only want what we feel is owed to the Chili Peppers. We are citing 17 USC, Sub-Section 102, 401, and 405 which applies a fine of $150,000 per work that is plagiarized. After analyzing the 45-second video, we have now identified 37 Red Hot Chili Peppers songs that seem to be directly lifted from my client’s catalog. This figure doesn’t even include the toll this has taken on Kiedis’ a-di ba-da ba-zumba crunga cong gone bad.”

At press time, David Lee Roth was said to be seeking council after Darton posted a video of young Liam screaming during a temper tantrum.

Every Sonic Youth Album Ranked Worst to Best

Posted on by Patrick Crooks

How does one describe Sonic Youth? Are they that band “Juno” famously dismissed as ‘just noise?’ Or are they the New York icons that not only broke down the door for alternative music, but helped all their friends get through too? Maybe both those descriptions are apt or maybe they’re just that band you heard do the best version of “The Simpsons” theme ever and you shoplifted one of their albums from Sam Goody. Either way, here’s our ranking of their discography. For our own sanity, we will not be including the SY recording series which like Star Wars expanded universe are not canon.

16. The Whitey Album (1989 recorded as Ciccone Youth)

Originating as a project to cheer up Mike Watt, we guess you could call this their, thankfully brief, concept album phase. It’s essentially a one hour long tribute to Madonna where even the self-deprecating moments feel congratulatory and the cringe is seemingly endless. Listen to this one and you’ll see why they didn’t release it under their own name.

Play it Again: The covers of “Addicted to Love” and “Into the Groove” have an unironic playfulness that makes you wonder why they were such dicks to Narduwar.
Skip it: The rest of the album is so fucking pretentious it makes you realize why they were such dicks to Narduwar.

15. Bad Moon Rising (1985)

Can you still be punk while creating deep, melodic tracks? No, of course not. Don’t be stupid. So, with “Bad Moon Rising,” Sonic Youth began to cast off the shackles of genreism (is that a word? If not, can we get credit for creating it?) and began defining a unique sound that would inspire post-grunge about 10 years later. Okay, maybe that’s not such a good thing.

Play it again: “Death Valley ‘69” A haunting proto-grunge track about the Manson Family featuring Lydia Lunch before she got up her own ass.
Skip it: “Satan is Boring” I don’t know if Satan is boring, but this song certainly is.

14. NYC Ghosts and Flowers (2000)

A certain clout-chasing writer for a website we won’t name here tried to boost his profile by giving this album a zero. While by no means in the upper echelon of Sonic Youth’s body of work, the review was an obvious publicity stunt that conveniently overlooked the fact that SY had to start from scratch after all their customized gear was stolen. And we all know when your gear is stolen so is all your creative energy. It’s kind of like when a witch curses you.

Play it Again: “Small Flowers Crack Concrete” is a good chill track to smoke a bowl over.
Skip It: “StreamXSonikSubway” is a throwback to early Sonic Youth and I don’t mean that in a good way.

13. Confusion is Sex (1983)

Look, not every debut album can be [Don’t forget to add iconic debut album of highly influential band.] This one is their most rooted in the No Wave scene that they emerged from and, thankfully, left behind. There’s an almost sinister sound to this one. Maybe too sinister. Like, hey, my life might be in danger, kind of sinister. But of course this was back when you had a not insignificant chance of getting stabbed in the Lower East Side of New York.

Play it Again: “She’s in a Bad Mood”
Skip It: ‘Confusion is Next” Thurston screaming ‘Sonic tooth’ over and over again has very Matt Damon in “Team America’ vibes

12. Rather Ripped (2006)

This one feels like Sonic Youth’s most introspective work and I guess that’s kind of fitting for their penultimate album. While they wouldn’t break up for another five years, this one has an “Abbey Road” type feel to it in the sense that you get the sense that they’re all kind of sick of each other. Had we listened to the lyrics a bit more closely, perhaps we’d have caught on that Thurston and Kim’s marriage was in trouble.

Play it Again: Incinerate is about the closest SY has ever come to writing a straightforward love ballad.
Skip It: While this isn’t a favorite of theirs, none of the tracks on here are skippable.

11. Sonic Nurse (2004)

Fun fact: “Kim Gordon and the Arthur Doyle Hand Cream” was originally named for Mariah Carey, but they had to change it for legal reasons. We’d like to think Mariah would’ve been cool with this given her appreciation for alt-rock that Ed Templeton liked to use in skate videos, but this was coming not long after “Glitter” so you can forgive her for not being in the best headspace for playful ball-breaking.

Play it Again: “New Hampshire” is a solid post-punk tune that invokes a live free or die spirit of its namesake
Skip It: “Peace Attack” is a bit too jam band for our liking.

10. Dirty (1992)

SY’s second album for Geffen and first post-“Nevermind” isn’t bad per se, but feels more as if Sonic Youth is trying to replicate the bands that they inspired rather than the other way around which is why it’s not ranked higher. Check out the Spike Jonez-directed video for “100%” to catch a pre-movie star Jason Lee skateboarding.

Play it Again: Drunken Butterfly is pure noise and Kim’s throaty speak-singing at its finest.
Skip It: This is another one where you really should listen to all the tracks.

 

9. The Eternal (2009)

When released, we weren’t aware this was going to be Sonic Youth’s final album as of the time of this publication and it received average to good reviews. Much like David Bowie’s “Black Star,” this one is worth reevaluating and is much better than the tepid reviews of the time will have you believe since most critics, not us though,, suck at life. This was also the only album featuring Mark Ibold as an official member of the group.

Play it Again: “Anti-Orgasm” but not in that obnoxious Christian way.
Skip It: “Leaky Lifeboat (for Gregory Corso)” feels out of place here.

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Aging Hardcore Guy Receives Gold X Swatch at Mosh Retirement Party

Posted on by Trevor Graham

COLUMBUS, Ohio — Aging hardcore guy and noted crowd killer Tom Reilly reportedly received a gold X Swatch for his decades-long career as a pit kickboxer at his mosh retirement party, sources with bloody noses confirmed.

“Wow! It’s hard to believe that I’m retiring from moshing already. Seems like just yesterday I was a young grom tomahawk chopping the backs of peoples’ heads at the Martyr A.D. show,” said Tom Reilly, 38, as he admired his mosh retirement gift. “I spent a lot of years running into teenage girls trying to avoid the pit but this watch makes it all worth it. It’ll look great on my wrist as I stand on the side of the stage knocking over kids as they try to do their first stagedive.”

Reilly’s coworkers at his actual job with his uncle’s landscaping service company say it’s great that he is able to have this retirement from moshing because he’ll realistically never be able to retire from his job.

“Yeah, it’s cool that he is able to retire from that mosh dancing at those heavy metal shows or whatever, because, with all the money he spends on band hoodies and baseball hats to cover up his receding hairline, he will be shoveling mulch until the day he dies,” said his coworker Josh Philips. “I don’t understand watch with the ‘X’ on it either. He says it means you are a ‘straight edger’ where you don’t drink or do drugs but me and him are blazing up in the back of his uncle’s truck every day. He says he is worried the other straight edgers will find out and it’s sad to me that some guy who is almost forty would worry so much about what a bunch of teenagers think about him.”

Scene historian Brian Roland says that he has noticed a trend recently that the average age of mosh retirement has gone up.

“It used to be standard for someone to retire from moshing at age 25 but in recent years we have seen that number spike up into the mid to late 30s,” said Roland. “We think that because of all the nostalgia reunion shows older scenesters are able to set it off well past their prime. If these trends continue the average age for mosh retirement could hit the mid-40s within the next few years which would just be sad for everyone involved.”

At press time, Reilly was seen creating a shoegaze playlist and was said to be looking at a Fender Jazzmaster on eBay.

How To Support Your Local Scene When Your Local Scene Is Just Dueling Steely Dan Cover Bands

Posted on by Dan Bookbinder

Growing up, there were local shows at teen centers, VFWs, and in friends’ basements nearly every weekend. My parents retired to Palm Lagoon, a shitty beach town on the Florida panhandle, and due to health issues, I came down to help them out. I started going out and exploring the local music venues, with the goal of giving back to the DIY scene that gave so much to me.

I decided to apply the same support check-list I adhered to in my hometown:

Attend Events

I figured since this place is basically sandy Alabama, the bands would be playing country and covers. I started at Bruno’s Barefoot Bar to see a band called Dirty Work, simply because of their name, which seemed like it would be a hard rock group. Nope, Steely Dan tribute band.

I think Steely Dan, like most classic rock bands, is fine. I wouldn’t buy their albums or anything, but if they come on somewhere, I don’t complain.

The next week, I went to Don’s Hideaway and saw Reelin’ In The Ears, another Steely Dan tribute band, except they dress up. I made it a point to go see a different show for the next two weeks, and it was literally all the same. Every single group was a slight variation – There were The Show Biz Kids, who did deeper cuts, Steely Ann, which was the all-female group, Steely Drum which did reggae versions, the goofs in Yacht in the Act focused on Steely Dan songs, and Old McDonald’s Farm the Michael McDonald impersonator from Tallahassee only does Steely Dan songs from when he was in the group. The “Live Band Karaoke with Aja” had a song binder exclusively of Steely Dan, even the “Pretzel Logic Trivia” hosts would get booed if they didn’t have Steely Dan questions.

Even when the local shows were two hardcore bands in hockey jerseys opening for 12-year-olds covering Sum 41, I never felt this alienated.

Recommend Them To Perform At Venues

No need. Everywhere I went: Rum Shack, Hurricane Huey’s, Johnny Rebel’s, and The Typhoon, all had one of these Steely Dan cover acts playing. They play every night, sometimes at the same bar during the same week, and sometimes they open for each other.

If you are looking for live covers of Steely Dan, you have your pick. Right now, I’d kill to see an old man in a Hawaiian shirt and parrot hat doing Jimmy Buffet songs.

Buy Merch

As a teen, my battle vest was covered in pins and patches, and I covered my Plymouth Reliant in stickers. It was a way of expressing ourselves and throwing up a flag for like-minded folk and a cheap way to financially support the bands. Aside from Dread Zeppelin, I’ve never seen merch for tribute acts, but these dudes’ merch tables take up half the room. It’s not stickers and t-shirts, these are premium items for the modern boomer – polo shirts, windbreakers, golf balls, golf markers, and visors. All for a fake band!

Put up Flyers or Posters

My Kinko’s was the scene’s base of operations. I worked the overnight shift, collecting all the copy cards, and once my manager left, I hooked up everyone. Zines, fliers, CD inserts, if you asked nicely, I got you. I used those connections to start promoting shows and putting out 7 inches. Down here, they don’t need to promote. Unless football is on, one of these Dad band rejects is playing.

Support them on Social Media

I added these local groups on Instagram and it fucked my algorithm. Now I’m getting ads for reverse mortgages, watching bathtubs, and Fox Nation. I’m permanently cursed for following the musical equivalent of the CVS orthopedic aisle.

Help Them Collect Tips

To help ends meet, we’d regularly pass around the bucket. Most of the time, no matter how small the crowd, they’d drop whatever they had in. One night, during the merciful interlude when Donald Fakin’ drops some trivia about how the original drummer was Chevy Chase before going into a welcome medley of “Holiday Road,” “I’m Alright,” and “You Can Call Me Al,” I passed around the empty tip jar from the bar. I encountered nothing but venom.

Tell The Venue How Much You Enjoy Their Music And That You Came To See Them

Here’s the thing: None of these bands are even that good. They’re always drunk, but not in a chaotic way, just sleepy. I tried to contact old acts from my youth and try to book them down here, but the travel is too much, and I can’t honestly sell it as a vacation spot, since the only beach in town has more syringes than grains of sand. So I’m stuck here, being the sole supporter of a scene for bands I fucking hate.

Every Song on the “Drive” Soundtrack Ranked By How Much They Make You Want to Rob a Pawn Shop

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

So you’ve decided today is the day you knock off your neighborhood pawn shop in order to repay some debts you accrued while in prison. You’re going to need the help of your handsome neighbor (who is trying to bang your wife by the way) and you’re going to need the right tunes to get you excited. We have good news, they basically made a movie about this exact scenario, and that movie has a complete soundtrack we plan on ranking so you know which song to play right before you start busting some heads.

19. Cliff Martinez “Wrong Floor”

If this song gets you excited for armed robbery then you are far more psychotic than you realize. This sounds like the music they play in the lobby of some new-age place where you pay $65 for some hippie to put warm rocks on the back of your knees.

18. Cliff Martinez “I Drive”

Wait a second, this is basically the same exact song as before. This is not what you need right now. Fight the urge to fall asleep, take some of those pills you bought off that trucker last year and see if they get your heart racing, because this is a snoozer.

17. Cliff Martinez “He Had a Good Time”

Remember last year when the guys on the job site dared you to jump from the third floor of a building into a dumpster full of cardboard? You turned “Ride the Lightning” up to full blast and jumped. Yeah, you hurt your back, got addicted to painkillers, and now your life is screwed, but you need to return to that level of energy, not this somber background music.

16. Cliff Martinez “Where’s the Deluxe Version”

Hey Cliff, more like “Where the fuck is the fucking guitar?” Am I right? I’m starting to think this Cliff Martinez guy just sits at a keyboard all day thinking to himself “How can I write a song so boring that it makes you fall into a coma?” Mission accomplished. Not a single armed robbery has ever occurred while listening to this song.

15. Riz Ortolani “Oh My Love” feat. Katyna Ranieri

Ok, at least this song has lyrics, the problem is that this song seems like something a cartoon Ladybug would sing to a flower in a Disney movie from the 1940s. What we need right now is a song from one of the wolves inside of you sung to the other wolf inside of you about how much society sucks.

14. Cliff Martinez “See You in Four”

Nothing about this song makes me want to rob a business. You couldn’t even rob a liquor store to this song. Imagine you’re inside, screaming “Get down, get down, or I’ll blow your head off!” while this music played in the background. That’s unhinged behavior my friend.

13. Cliff Martinez “On the Beach”

I keep having to turn this song up louder and louder to even know it’s playing. If you are about to rob a pawn shop then chances are you were at Woodstock ‘99 and chances are you stood right in front of the speakers when Korn was playing, you’re hearing doesn’t recover from that so this song barely registers.

12. Cliff Martinez “Kick Your Teeth”

Judging by the song title, this should be akin to Limp Bizkit circa 2003. But unfortunately, Cliff Martinez doesn’t seem to write music for people who were dishonorably discharged from the Army for assaulting a caterer at a Christmas party. We could really use some Durst energy right about now.

11. Cliff Martinez “My Name on a Car”

I’m starting to think Cliff Martinez doesn’t know how to party. If he came to your party and someone said “Hey Cliff, play us something on the keyboard” you would want something that rocks, if he played this everyone would be like “Keep your cocaine, I’m going to make it an early night.”

10. Cliff Martinez “They Broke His Pelvis”

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me for thinking ol’ Cliff would surprise me. If you told me you’re listening to a song called “They Broke His Pelvis” I’d assume it’s a song about a guy jumping the barrier at a Pantera concert and security putting the boots to him, instead we get audible Ambien.

9. Cliff Martinez “Rubber Head”

Remember when you stayed at that fancy hotel because you just won a settlement from Arby’s because you found a huge clump of hair in your roast beef sandwich? This was a lot like the music from the pornography pay per view screen. Simpler times.

8. Cliff Martinez “Skull Crushing”

If I ever see Cliff Martinez on the street I’m going to beat the crap out of him and his entire family. When Devourment wrote “Baby Killer” did they play a soft little ambient song with no lyrics? No, it was heavy and it was about killing babies. Cliff seems to take skull-crushing very lightly, and that’s a problem for me.

7. Cliff Martinez “After the Chase”

This song starts off heavier than any song before it, so for a brief shining instant you might think it’s time to kick in the door of the pawn shop, break the jaw of the guy behind the counter with your gun, and load your Jansport full of cash. But, then the song turns into another wimpy effort.

6. Cliff Martinez “Hammer”

I owe everyone reading this an apology. Based on the premise of the movie I thought this soundtrack would rock as hard as Oz Fest 2005. But not once have any of us been rocked. “Hammer” builds to something that almost resembles rocking and then cuts off. I’ve never been more upset in my life.

5. Cliff Martinez “Bride of Deluxe”

Holy crap, I think this song has a guitar in it. And it sort of has a fast tempo. With the right cocktail of alcohol and prescription medications you could get messed up enough to actually pull this off. But if you miscalculate the cocktail you might just end up dancing in the parking lot until the cops come.

4. Desire “Under Your Spell”

Ok, no more Cliff Martinez from here on out, unfortunately things don’t get much better. If you were hoping for blistering guitar, double bass, and growling vocals then this song isn’t for you. I’m pretty sure this was the song that was playing in American Apparel when you tried robbing that place in 2010

3. College “A Real Hero” feat. Electric Youth

Rounding into the top three and not a single note of this song should make you want to commit armed robbery. If anything it’s more likely you will end up texting your ex, finding out she’s married now. She has kids, she seems happy. You should let her go, you have more important things to focus on right now.

2. Chromatics “Tick of the Clock’

In all reality this just sounds like Cliff Martinez drank a strong cup of coffee and wrote a song in 15 minutes. This is only at number two because there isn’t a single Hatebreed song on this soundtrack. Why is that? Would it kill them to add a little Hatebreed?

1. Lovefoxxx, Kavinsky “Nightcall”

The only, and I mean only, reason this is number one is because a wolf howls at the beginning of the song. And you my friend are an alpha male, an apex predator, a man with nothing to lose. It’s time to stop sitting around thinking about it. Go rob this pawn shop, maybe they will have a few Slayer CDs for sale in there you can listen to after to wash the taste of the “Drive” soundtrack out of your mouth. That is if you survive of course.

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Court Order States Buckcherry Fan Not Allowed Within 50 Feet of Any Tattoo Guns

Posted on by Chris Bowen

ANAHEIM, Calif. — A county judge recently issued a rare order of protection against Buckcherry fan Ricky Stewart forbidding him to come within 50 feet of any tattoo guns due to his obscene, Buckcherry-inspired tattoos, several inebriated sources report.

“I thought this was a free country, man. If I want to enhance my body with tribal tattoos and tats of a band I’ve seen several times on their state fair and casino tour, I should be able to,” Stewart said, adding that he spent a whopping $38 dollars to have “chaos” tattooed on his abdomen just like Buckcherry singer Josh Todd. “One minute I’m in my buddy’s garage, getting some ink done, then the next minute a SWAT team breaks in and now I have to let everyone on my block know I’m a Buckcherry fan. This is more harsh than my coke possession and second-degree manslaughter charges.”

Judge Lisa McGregor believes her decision to issue the order is for the good of the community.

“The crude, irresponsible, and downright heinous display of so-called ‘body art’ depicted on the defendant left me no other choice but to make sure it doesn’t happen again,” Judge McGregor explained. “Not only is it an egregious abuse of the art of tattooing, it’s also an injustice to the defendant himself, and those around him. This was probably one of the clearest open and shut cases I’ve ever seen, only second to the Jeffrey Dahmer one.”

Music historian Ronald Edwards revealed how fans of other bands have had similar run-ins with the court system.

“As most everyone knows, being a fan of music is undoubtedly the most stressful and sometimes dangerous type of person you can be,” Edwards explained. “If you’re into a band that a cop or judge doesn’t enjoy as well, you can find yourself in some serious shit. For example, Tool fans all over the world have court-ordered restrictions on aux cord abilities. Others require law enforcement supervision to even assemble a Spotify playlist for a party. Sometimes being a closet fan is simply the better option.”

At press time, it was reported a fan in Texas was issued the death penalty for receiving a Puddle of Mud-inspired tattoo.