Every The Dillinger Escape Plan Album Ranked Worst to Best

Posted on by Michael Luis

Some people think of Dillinger Escape Plan as a hardcore punk band, others consider them metal, while most people probably don’t consider them music at all, but regardless of your opinion of the New Jersey band, their impression on modern heavy music is impossible to ignore. If you never got a chance to see them live, I feel sorry for you as there was truly nothing like it. However, you should also feel thankful because you likely avoided shattering your pelvis. Just as impressive as the band’s record sales are the thousands of dollars in medical bills accrued for both the members of the band and their fans. I’ve never been to war, but I imagine it’s a lot like a Dillinger show. There’d be more guns and less guitars but an equal number of detached limbs and dislodged teeth. Though guitarist Ben Weinman was the only constant presence for the groups 20-year history, they produced an immaculate discography that saw the group mold and evolve their sound across several different lineups. This is the authoritative ranking of the said discography. If you disagree with me, fight me. You’ll have to take my word for it, but I’m just as buff as Greg so watch out.

PS: We’re only doing full-length LPs here so all you Mike Patton Stans can zip it. Yes, we know “When Good Dogs Do Bad Things” is the best song ever written, but we’re not talking about that right now.

6. Dissociation (2016)

Sadly my editor wouldn’t let me put every album in a six-way tie for first, so here’s the band’s final album in last place. While it features all of the trademarks of a late-period Dillinger album – a mix of mathcore hissy fits, soaring rock choruses, and virtuosic instrumentation – it never truly shocks you with something you’ve never heard before from the band. Granted, with it being their final release, looking back into their two-decade history and mining it for inspiration makes it an apt swansong. There are some quirky left turns like Mahavishnu-esque strings and a trippy IDM detour that sounds like a rejected Aphex Twin B-side. There’s also that scream in “Honeysuckle.” You know the one.

Play it Again: “Honeysuckle,” “Limerent Death,” the second half of “Nothing to Forget.”
Skip It: The first half of “Nothing to Forget,” “Symptom of Terminal Illness,” “Fugue.”

5. Miss Machine (2004)

Replacing a beloved frontman isn’t easy. However, when Dimitri Minikakis left the group after only one album, Dillinger knocked it out of the park with the addition of human bicep Greg Puciato. Not only could he deliver a deranged scream like his predecessor, the Italian stallion can croon like a lounge singer with a martini in his hand. His clean vocal chops are showcased most notably on “Setting Fire to Sleeping Giants” and “Unretrofied,” two tunes that have more in common with Faith No More and Nine Inch Nails than anything else in their catalog at that point. This pissed off a bunch of cranky metalcore dudes and set the precedent for future Dillinger material that would resemble actual music.

Play it Again: “Panasonic Youth,” “Highway Robbery,” “Setting Fire to Sleeping Giants”
Skip It: “Phone Home,” “Crutch Field Tongs”

4. One of Us is The Killer (2013)

“One of Us is The Killer” answers the question “What if the Dillinger Escape Plan made another record that’s just really fucking good like their previous ones?” “Prancer” and “When I Lost My Bet” might be the best opening duo of the band’s career and the whole record masterfully blends their more melodic tendencies with the chaotic hardcore of their early days. Killer also features one of their better token instrumental songs in the wonderfully janky “CH 375 268 277 ARS” (rumor is that if you can guess what the title means, they must reunite). My money’s on Billy being the killer, by the way. It’s always the unassuming ones.

Play it Again: “Prancer,” “When I Lost My Bet,” “One of Us is The Killer”
Skip It: This is when Dillinger albums start getting into “no skips” territory but “Crossburner” is a bit of a bore.

3. Calculating Infinity (1999)

There are several dudes out there who smell like garbage and have Man Is the Bastard neck tattoos who will tell you that this is the only good Dillinger Escape Plan album because it’s the gnarliest. There’s no clean singing, no quasi-radio-rock bangers, and the instrumental interludes feature looped samples, squelching noise, and grinding machinery. Is it Dillinger’s best album? No, but is it their most important album? Absolutely. It kicked off a legendary career with one of the most deranged and unique debuts in the history of punk and metal. “43% Burnt” is also a great song to put on at a party when it’s 3:00 a.m. and the only people still there are three weird guys doing key bumps in the kitchen and you want them to leave.

Play it Again: “Sugar Coated Sour,” “43% Burnt,” “Clip The Apex…Accept Instruction”
Skip It: “Weekend Sex Change”

2. Ire Works (2007)

While every Dillinger Escape Plan album is varying degrees of weird, this is the weirdest one by a significant margin. While Miss Machine introduced some new flavors to the Dillinger recipe, “Ire Works” swung the fridge open and started throwing everything into the pot (I shouldn’t write these when I’m hungry). There are straight-up pop-rock songs, Warp Records-style electronics, Indonesian gamelan bells, Latin percussion, and all sorts of other silliness. “Ire Works” can be a bit of a jumbled mess at times, but that’s what makes it so compelling considering it’s from a band known for its robotic precision. The promo cycle for this album also yielded Greg singing on Conan O’Brien’s desk which gives it substantial bonus cred.

Play it Again: All of it.
Skip It: Okay, maybe you can skip tracks 4-7 if it gets too zany for you. But it’s Dillinger so I hope you’re here for zany.

1. Option Paralysis (2010)

Very fitting that this record is called “Option Paralysis” as that’s what I experienced when deciding what to put at number one. In revisiting the discography, it was this record that made me go “Wow, that was fucking cool” more than any other. While albums like “Ire Works” and “Miss Machine” tracks can be organized by the heavy songs, the pretty songs, and the weird songs, the bulk of “Option Paralysis” blends all three vibes seamlessly within the same compositions. It stuck a middle finger to the rearview and firmly told anyone hoping for a “Calculating Infinity” Pt. 2 that they would never get what they wanted. It’s the heaviest, catchiest, and most adventurous album by a band that does all three things better than anyone else.

Play it Again: You could probably play “Farwell, Mona Lisa” 10 times in a row and find a new favorite part each time. And that’s just the first song.
Skip It: Nada.

 

Punk Band Returns From Tour in Different Van With All New Members

Posted on by Scott Murray

LOS ANGELES — Aptly-named punk band Ship of Theseus is having a bit of an identity crisis after returning home from a successful tour in a different van than they started in, with an entirely new roster of band members and crew, confirmed sources who don’t really know what the hell is happening.

“You know, when I joined the band I never expected to be the longest-standing member so quickly,” said Simon Hobbes, who took over on guitar after one member was jailed for DUI outside of San Diego the first night of tour. “It’s been nearly a month and I’m settling in pretty well. The music is simple enough, I basically learned the entire catalog in about an hour. I’ve even started adding a bit of flare to some of my parts, believe it or not. Maybe it’s because he was always drunk, but I’m pretty sure the former guy could barely play guitar.”

Longtime fan Lonnie Millburn says this is nothing new for the band.

“It’s kind of what Ship of Theseus is known for. The more shit changes, the more it stays the same” said Milburn while trying to update the band’s Wikipedia page for the third time today. “The music is still great, so I’ve stuck it out. These guys have burned through twice as many members as Black Flag, Ramones, and Misfits in half as long. It’s crazy trying to track down all the contributors over the year. Some of these dudes don’t even have last names as far as I can tell, but their impact on the band is undeniable.”

Punk philosopher, Catherine Lex, reports entirely new band called Custodial has since been formed from past members.

“At this point, the fans are practically at war. Some think the current Ship of Theseus lineup is the real band, while others think Custodial’s music is the rightful continuation of the project. Technically, they’re both correct.” said Lex. “You might find it odd for two versions of the same band to technically exist, but it’s par for the course in this incestuous scene. I actually just heard both bands will be on tour together next month, which is sure to split some heads.”

At press time, the band could not be reached for comment because their manager had recently quit and asked if we could take over.

Back In My Day, We Paid Off Student Loans The Old Fashioned Way: Getting Your Foot Purposely Run Over By A Campus Bus

Posted on by Jus Kaplan

These days it seems like every class graduating from college is more entitled than the last. Do these kids honestly think their student loan debt should be canceled just because they majored in underwater basket-weaving and can’t land a job? How ridiculous. They should have made better life choices! What responsible people like me did back in 1991 was get one of our feet crushed to bits by a campus bus.

Yup, like thousands of smart students before me, I took initiative and made choices that would support my financial future. At 1 a.m. on a foggy Sunday night, I hopped in front of the Cavalier Connection bus on 2nd Street and got my left foot absolutely demolished by 12 tons of public university transportation. That bus was worth its weight in gold.

Before you ask, the incident—or as I prefer to call it, investment—was ruled an accident. That’s the reason my tuition was covered in full for my last 3.5 years of college. But it was by no means an accident: I had the foresight to plan ahead, unlike today’s helpless students. They all want a handout when really they just need to stick a foot out!

When my nephew, a freshman at Tufts, asked me recently why I walk with a distinct limp, I proudly explained the reason to him. He was appalled! “Why the hell would you do that to yourself?” he asked snidely. “Student loan debt is far more crippling,” I replied. “One day you’ll look at your bank account and wish you took the dive. Trust me.” He doesn’t really talk to me anymore.

Neither does my former classmate Richard, who was also purposely hit by a campus bus. That’s mostly because he didn’t time it right and got a pretty serious TBI. Still, he’ll never have to pay his student loans either.

Life is about making sacrifices. Anyone can afford higher education in America if they’re willing to maim themselves a little bit. That’s why we’re the best country in the world.

Conservative Vows to End All Systems of Child Abuse Except Ones That Actually Exist

Posted on by John Danek

LAREDO, Texas — Conservative Tanner Oakenson recently committed his life to destroying all forms of fictional child abuse invented by his favorite conservative podcasters and commentators, proud friends reported.

“I just care so deeply about the children, and it pisses me off to hear the ways they are molested in plain sight at drag story hours or abducted off the street by Nancy Pelosi and Hillary Clinton and mined for their adrenochrome,” professed Oakenson, despite lacking a single tangible shred of evidence that either of these things have ever happened even once. “Every newspaper journalist or newscaster on TV is a child molestor, so you can’t trust them to report any of it. I only get my news from The Daily Wire podcasts and www.american-patriot-news.biz.us. I plan to end all these systems of abuse by tweeting at Joe Biden in all caps and sharing LibsOfTikTok videos to my family text chain until I’m blocked.”

Others on the right offered alternatives to “dangerous” environments for children like Pride parades or classrooms with college educated teachers.

“It’s time for a return to family values. Send your children to my Sunday School classroom, mmmm, yes,” said Father Ray Palmer, a Catholic priest whose thin mustache should be enough to trigger an investigation for criminal conduct. “I will talk to them at length about the sins of premarital sex and masturbation in my classroom with no other adults or cameras. Keep your little ones away from the demons outside, send them to me instead to be completely unsupervised in an environment that has a legacy of being safe for children. Praise be.”

Actual experts in the realms of human trafficking and child abuse expressed some frustration at conservatism’s preferred areas of focus.

“FOR FUCK’S SAKE, THERE IS REAL CHILD ABUSE HAPPENING IN THE WORLD, AND IT ISN’T WHAT THESE DIPSHITS ARE OBSESSING ABOUT,” screamed an aggravated Dr. Erica Herd, social worker and researcher on human trafficking. “Jesus Christ, infinitely more cases of child abuse have happened in family homes, places of worship, and ‘traditional values’ groups like the Boy Scouts. But conservatives don’t care about actually protecting children. They care about demonizing anyone who challenges their ancient, rigid expectations of how the world should operate. But you can’t talk logic to these people, so I’m at a complete fucking loss for what to do anymore.”

In a complete surprise to no one, Oakenson has been arrested and is held on bail pending the FBI’s investigation of multiple computers confiscated from his home for child sexual abuse material.

Rules for Replacing a Lead Singer

Posted on by Jeff Bender

Let’s face it, you’ve had it with your singer. For years they’ve been on thin ice, drinking or snorting or sleeping with your significant other. It’s time to find a replacement. But tread carefully: Replacing a singer is a tender thing. Best to stick with the rules.

1. Confirm that they don’t have any legal rights to the band’s intellectual property

Turns out inviting that old lawyer to one of your sex-and-cocaine afterparties isn’t such a bad idea after all.

2. Make sure they’re actually bad for the band

If your current singer is a hard-working team player who can sing really well, you could save yourself a lot of time by just letting them continue in their current role.

3. Get their address

Whether mailing the news, sending a singing telegram (via your new singer), or breaking up in person, you’re going to want to know where they’re holing up these days.

4. Remind them of Steve Perry’s illustrious solo career

Sure, you’re a grind band with only guttural vocals, but we recommend having “Oh Sherrie” twinkling somewhere in the background anyway.

5. Check to see if they’re not already dead

This could also be step #1. A simple internet search will indicate if you have to go through the stress of a breakup or if you can just save face by calling them a hero in the media before finding a replacement. (See: AC/DC.)

6. Ask whoever thinks they’re still in the band to raise their hand

Is it possible your frontman already knows, and you don’t have to tell them? That would be so great!

7. Pack up all their stuff in the practice space beforehand

And be thorough. You don’t want them wandering back to your next rehearsal claiming they forgot their Nirvana poster.

8. Offer a reference letter and benefits package

Soften the blow by easing them into obscurity. Maybe see them off with a gift basket and a card signed by the band.

9. See what Sammy Hagar’s up to these days

It worked for Van Halen in 1985.

10. Let your drummer try out

We know it’s a one-in-a-million shot.

Every The Dirtbombs Album Ranked Worst to Best

Posted on by Joe Rumrill

Electing to rank all the albums of Detroit’s foremost garage-punk deconstructionists the Dirtbombs is no simple task, as it’s so often their sworn mission to make everything they put out sound totally different from the last. The band is a sterling showcase for leader Mick Collins and was seemingly started to show off his wide-ranging musical influences after the Gories took a break. (Seriously, this dude’s record collection must consist of…well, ALL of them.) It’s high time they got their due on our humble site, so please enjoy our ranking of every Dirtbombs studio album. And, c’mon: these guys gotta lug two whole damn drum sets to any show they play, so let’s show them a little respect why don’t we, hmmm?

6. Ooey Gooey Chewy Ka-blooey! (2013)

As a concept, Collins’ long-awaited foray into Archies/Partridge Family turf is a fantastic one, but if my editors caught me giving this bubblegum pop album anything but the bottom spot, I’d be put in punk-satire-website solitary confinement with the folks trying to get Captain Beefheart headlines approved. This album seems to exist as an exercise in “how many different ways can we deconstruct “Yummy Yummy Yummy” (in fact “Hot Sour Salty Sweet” straight up pilfers its chorus!) That said, every song on “Ka-Blooey” paints a fluorescent vision of the Dirtbombs leaving a high school dance gig to go solve an animated mystery with their talking pet, and that’s pretty cool. Plus, we love a title with a “Calvin & Hobbes” reference, don’t we folks? Take this ranking with a grain of salt and a few dozen truckloads of Pixi-Stix.

Play It Again: “Crazy For You”
Skip It: “Girl on the Carousel” (We here at the Hard Times are well-known for our “anti-oboe” stance)

5. Horndog Fest (1998)

The Dirtbombs’ first full-length LP is probably their least focused offering…but since the Dirtbombs started as a “single releases only” experiment, this is something you just gotta embrace. Hot ‘n heavy live tracks like “She Blinded Me with Playtex” and “Shake!! Shivaree” provide a shambolic looseness that most echoes the type of thing Collins perfected in the Gories (although the Gories themselves are PROUD imperfectionists, they’d be the first to admit.) It’ll definitely leave you pumped and wanting more, and puzzled over why these guys weren’t bigger than the White Stripes. But be forewarned: the album cover may have your parents asking you some invasive questions.

Play It Again: “Can’t Stop Thinking About It”
Skip It: “My Heart Burns With Deeps of Lurve”

4. We Have You Surrounded (2008)

As the album title may give away, this is the Dirtbombs at their most lyrically paranoid…And justifiably so! Have you gotten a load of this planet lately? Woof! Here we have a collection of songs about the downfall of society that are as relevant today as they ever were (folks, we gotta stop this society thing from downfalling, and SOON!) Collins’ vocals are in fine form (when are they not, this guy could croon circles around you with laryngitis) and he even puts the echo effects to good use, amplifying the anxiety factor. Throw in both a Sparks and Dead Moon cover and we’re happy…still upset about that whole “world collapsing” stuff, but, y’know, may as well crank up those guitars while we still have a power grid.

Play It Again: “Leopardman at C&A”
Skip It: “Race to the Bottom”

3. Party Store (2011)

The sheer feat of covering deep Detroit techno tracks and turning them into heavy, driving rock songs is something NASA scientists were probably hard at work on, but lucky for us, the Dirtbombs beat ‘em to it. Their take on pulsating house slabs like Inner City’s “Good Life” are somehow more hypnotic than the originals, letting you get lost in a groove while still never letting you suffer withdrawal from those screeching fuzz guitars we know you kids can’t get enough of. It sounds exactly like a rave is happening after hours at the Ford assembly line. The ‘bombs are always taking the time to salute others’ music, we hope they don’t mind us using this opportunity to salute THEM for once.

Play It Again: “Cosmic Cars”
Skip It: “Bug in the Bass Bin” is more than 20 minutes long, which we know could pose a problem for those of you with addled attention spans.

2. Dangerous Magical Noise (2003)

This album doesn’t just want you to feel the steady pour of sweat drip down your face, it wants you to wring it out into a highball glass and chug it for more fuel. A straightforward ripper of a record, this one’s all about fun. Highlights include the “rolling down a never-ending cartoon freeway” vibe of “F.I.D.O” and the “how have these guys not written a song about being stuck in the garage yet?” pounder “Stuck in Thee Garage.” Throw this on the next time your head’s in need of a proper banging. “Dangerous?” Yes. “Magical”? Oh hell yeah. “Noise”? No way, baby, this is MUSIC!!!

Play It Again: “Get It While You Can”
Skip It: Actually, you know what, skip “Get It While You Can” so I can use it on the soundtrack if I ever make a movie. You’d just steal it for yourself.

1. Ultraglide in Black (2001)

A masterpiece through and through. Collins valiantly leads his roving team through an endlessly impressive gauntlet of soul and R&B covers that work insanely well when peered at through garage-punk shades. Throw a dart at the tracklist and any one you hit will have your speakers, and your ears, eating good for the next three minutes. From songs everyone knows off the top of their heads like Stevie Wonder’s “Living For the City,” to songs everyone SHOULD know off the top of their heads like “Ode to a Black Man” (off Thin Lizzy frontman Phil Lynott’s second solo album), Ultraglide is the perfect showcase for Mick’s velvet vocal cords. An absolute crash course on some of the finest American music ever made…and we do put the emphasis on “crash,” since this will undoubtedly have you running red lights from singing along.

Play It Again: “Your Love Belongs Under a Rock” the album’s sole original
Skip It: And grind the party to a screeching halt?! Just think of the sour looks you’d get from everyone on the dance floor!!!

 

Your Phone Is Making You Dumber By the Second, Fix It By Checking Out What We’re Listening To This Week

Posted on by Corey Montgomery

Another week has gone by and what do you have to show for it? Though you may be older, you certainly aren’t wiser. We may be able to help with that. Studies suggest that listening to music can improve intelligence as it activates both sides of the brain. Unfortunately for you, it doesn’t work quite as well when you exclusively listen to the same four albums from ten years ago over and over again.

It goes without saying, but you’ll need to change course immediately with your listening habits if you want to have any hope of stimulating your mental growth. Here’s a handful of new songs that should get the blood flowing and make you good at holding conversations again.

Move “1,000,000 Experiments”

In a broken nation sadly filled with bullshit and racist ‘Try That In A Small Town’ rhetoric, Boston’s Move are channeling collective fury through immensely satisfying and politically bent hardcore. Calling back to the genre’s explosive and revolutionary political roots, they are making an awful (read, fucking amazing) racket with their debut LP, ‘Black Radical Love.’ Making up for a pandemic-driven delay in releases, each song carries an immense sense of urgency, picking you up just to kick your shit in over and over again. There isn’t a single miss on the record, but last month’s lead single ‘1,000,000 Experiments’ pairs quite well with a folding chair, if you ask us.

Courtney Barnett “Different Now (Chastity Belt Cover)”

Chastity Belt is celebrating the 10th anniversary of their incredible debut album, ‘No Regerts,’ this year. To mark the occasion, Courtney Barnett has covered a song that isn’t on the record at all, but is still a solid track. Borrowing the drum machine-laden production of her previous full-length, ‘Things Take Time, Take Time,’ Barnett’s version of the band’s beloved single adds new sparkle without sacrificing the meditative drone of the original. Barnett will be releasing the single as a split 7″ with collaborator and songwriter Kurt Vile at the end of October seemingly delaying your band’s vinyl release even further.

Slaughter Beach, Dog “Summer Windows”

Modern Baseball‘s Jake Ewald is preparing to release his fifth LP as Slaughter Beach, Dog late next month. ‘Crying, Laughing, Waving, Smiling’ is promising to be another tour-de-force for the acclaimed Philly songwriter. Much like the album’s previous two singles, ‘Summer Windows’ cranks the Americana vibes up while condensing Ewald’s standard novella-length lyrical refrains down to their most essential elements. If only we could get those in our comments section to take on similar editing abilities.

Dan Andriano and the Bygones “Dry”

You may remember Dan Andriano as the guy who wrote all the Alkaline Trio songs that destroyed you mentally during your brooding emo days. What you might not know is that Andriano has a pretty prolific solo career as well. Backed by his band the Bygones, the Chicago bassist and songwriter has just released his new single ‘Dry.’ It’s a horrifyingly relatable waltz about the pain of growing old. From joint and bone woes to the loss of longtime friendships, the song has it all covered. Before you get too sad to put it on though, please be advised that the guitar solos fucking rip.

TWRP “VHS’ feat. Electric Six

Ever wonder what Styx or Journey would sound like if the singers from Electric Six and TWRP hijacked both bands and forced them to write a good song for a change? That, in essence, is the core of TWRP’s insanely fun new single, ‘VHS,’ which as mentioned, features Electric Six. Every part of the song should be corny as hell, but they go too hard for anyone to actually care or notice. This is a great track to put over a montage video of your buffest friend working out. We guess it could work for your progress video too, but everybody knows you’re too lazy to go to the gym.

Sincere Engineer “Anemia”

Chicago’s Sincere Engineer is at it again, gracing us with yet another scream-along single from their forthcoming album ‘Cheap Grills.’ Steeped in the Midwestern Emo tradition, ‘Anemia’ is fuzzy, catchy, brooding, jangly, anthemic, and most importantly, fun as fuck. Deanna Belos’ voice soars atop a wall of power-chord guitars to deliver the most joyous reading of a line like ‘I’m a walking open wound’ we’ve heard to date. You’ll know when the album drops, because it’s likely that everyone will be screaming every song out of their car windows.

The Armed “Liar 2”

The anonymous experimental hardcore collective (or cult as some call them), the Armed are currently building up to the release of their new album ‘Perfect Saviors’ later this month. That is, of course, assuming this isn’t another patented misdirect from one of the genre’s most mysterious groups. Their latest single ‘Liar 2,’ does well to keep the mystique alive. Weaving in and out of pop, industrial, noise, and hardcore, the track offers curious listeners a major case of musical whiplash. Much like eyes on a horrifying car crash, our ears can’t seem to be pulled away. We understand this may be considered hypnotism and possibly how the band recruits its members, so listener beware.

Turnstile/BADBADNOTGOOD “Alien Love Call” ft. Blood Orange

If you’ve been paying attention at all these past couple of years, you’ve likely heard about Turnstile. While fans have been clamoring for new music from the outfit, we’d wager to guess that no one would have expected them to surprise drop an EP with BADBADNOTGOOD. The joint release, ‘New Heart Designs,’ drastically rearranges three tracks from the band’s outstanding full-length ‘Glow On.’ More than mere remixes, these tracks seem to rebuild the original arrangements from the ground up. Perhaps the most fitting arrangement comes to us in the form of ‘Alien Love Call’ which, like its namesake, sounds truly out of this world here, especially with a bonus Blood Orange verse thrown in for good measure
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Guess what, now that you’ve read the article you can listen to the songs over and over again by listening to the playlist which will be updated each week.

Garbage Truck Driving Behind Punk Band’s Tour Van Can’t Believe the Stench

Posted on by Doug Kolic

PATERSON, N.J. — Local garbage collector Vince LePaglia couldn’t believe the putrid stench emanating from the tour van of punk band The Oozing Lesions that he was driving behind, according to sources who now believe they have smelled death.

“My eyes won’t stop watering and think I’m gonna puke,” said LePaglia while stuck in traffic behind the band. “I’ve driven a garbage truck for twenty years hauling the most horrific smelling things you can imagine, but this is next level. I think I’ve been in and out of consciousness and I’m worried I’m about to pass out. I don’t think there was anything that could have prepared me for this, even though trash is in my blood. I’ve never really been a religious person, but after the offensive waft from that van I not only believe in Hell, I believe we are living in it.”

Lead singer Tommy “Tongues” McCree explained how they purposely target pungent-smelling vehicles to hide their odor.

“It’s no coincidence. We like to do most of our driving on collection day to mask our filth,” stated McCree as he drove by pedestrians plugging their noses. “We’ve memorized all the garbage routes in the area and also like to follow manure trucks around so the local health authorities don’t catch wind of us. We had to adopt these tactics after we were once pulled over by cops at gunpoint thanks to an urgent CDC bulletin that notified them of a reported biological weapon on wheels targeting dive bars. We did make the paper though, which was cool.”

Expert in environmental pollution Nia Jacobs described the punk community as one of the world’s largest contaminators.

“If you think fossil fuels are bad for the environment, I’ve got news for you,” Jacobs stated. “The punk lifestyle is undoubtedly ruining our planet, with more CO2 gasses emitted from the backseats of tour vans and squats than most people realize. The film that grows on their unwashed skin breeds bacteria so resistant to antibiotics that it can threaten entire populations. The problem is so dire that many researchers believe punk-caused global warming is now the second biggest existential threat to human survival. The first is obviously climate change caused by major corporations. Either way, we’re all screwed.’”

At press time, LePaglia was finally able to get some relief after his truck broke down in the slaughterhouse district.

We Revisit That Sick Burn We Had on That Kid in Grade School Because We Really Need This

Posted on by Doug Kolic

I love reminiscing about the good old days. Like in fifth grade, when I totally dunked on Owen Krevsky when a bird took a dump on his greenish-brown pants and I yelled, “At least it matches!” Everyone lost their shit. Anyway, that was awesome and made me king for a day. Unfortunately, that day was when I peaked and I don’t really have anything else going anymore, so I really need this.

I thought that sick burn would be a stepping stone to more popularity but it never really panned out. I don’t know if the other kids were intimidated by my quick-wit and afraid I’d turn my sharp tongue on them, but my life since then has been pretty underwhelming. Fuck it, I’ll always have that glorious moment as a reminder of my capacity to make dozens of people laugh at the expense of someone who, for all I know, deserved it.

Sure, Krevsky went on to devote himself to curing childhood cancers while I went on to feed my various addictions until my parents found out I was the one stealing their organs. Different strokes for different folks, I guess.

Perhaps it’s time to move on and stop living in the past. Maybe I’ll do that right after I design the perfect AI image depicting the events of that day and get it blown up and professionally framed so I can stop letting it consume my thoughts in order to free my mind up for other important things. Like that one time I berated that annoying crying baby on the plane to Vegas then tried to pummel the shit out of his beta dad when he dared to give me lip. “She’s just a baby,” he whined. Well so am I!

World’s Biggest Dimmu Borgir Fan Hopes He’s Pronouncing it Right

Posted on by Zachary Wolf

ROSCOMMON, Mich. – Local bachelor and self-proclaimed world’s biggest Dimmu Borgir fan Eric Sandstrom still isn’t sure if he’s pronouncing the band’s name correctly, giggling sources reported.

“Nobody is a bigger Die-myu Borjger fan than I am,” said Sandstrom from his bed while lying on his stomach cutting out pictures of the band from a magazine. “Or maybe it’s Deemuh Borger. Demon Burger? Demu Booger? I don’t know, but if you think I’m any less of a fan because I’ve only read their name in print you can fuck the fuck off. I have all of their albums, EPs, bootlegs, compilations, DVDs, and everything in between. So what if I’ve never heard anyone pronounce their name out loud? Don’t fuckin’ hold that against me.”

Dimmu Borgir singer Stian ‘Shagrath’ Thoresen caught wind of the predicament.

“Ah yes, that fucking poser from Michigan,” cackled Sagrath while posting about how much of an idiot Sandstrom is to the band’s 1.5 million Facebook followers. “This moron claims to be our biggest fan, but he can’t even say the name? Such a loser. When you’ve been a band for as long as we have you come across some strange fans, but they could always say the fucking name at least. Jesus Christ. Next time we’re in the area I’ll bring him up and make him mispronounce our name on stage, so that everyone can publicly ridicule and laugh at his stupid fucking life.”

Many Americans struggle with the pronunciation of European band names, according to language expert Guillermo Thorburn.

“I’m not surprised that someone can’t pronounce Dimmu Borgir,” said Thorburn while using a fake British accent that was super annoying. “A lot of yanks find it difficult to navigate the complex world of European G’s, J’s, Y’s, and double-L ‘eya’ sounds of Spanish. And we haven’t even gotten to the vowels. A few tiny dots or circles can change an ‘Ooo’ sound to ‘Ouo’, ‘ahh’ to ‘aeh’, or ‘eei’ to ‘eeii’. While it might not seem like a big deal to you, that kind of misstep can be the difference between something as innocent as asking how someone’s day was and asking for their hand in marriage. It can be that tricky.”

At press time, Sandstrom was laughed out of a local record store after confidently mispronouncing Moog.