DOVER, Pa. — For the tenth consecutive year in a row, every single participant of Pray Straight, a controversial religious-based gay conversion therapy camp, has “relapsed” into homosexuality after hearing just one song by flamboyant pop-rock band Scissor Sisters, sources close to the Pennsylvania bigot community report.
“I have to admit, between the preaching, sleep deprivation, and physical abuse, I walked out of that camp thinking that maybe I was straight after all!” recalled Pray Straight graduate Trevor Malcolm. “Then I heard the first verse of ‘I Don’t Feel Like Dancin’’ again, and I was like, ‘Oh yeah, no, I’m totally gay!’ It was probably just low blood sugar. Did I mention they starved us? Yeah, they starve children at those things.”
Senior staff at Pray Straight expressed frustration and bewilderment at their camp’s now zero percent success rate in converting gay youth with access to Scissor Sisters’ aggressively sexy music.
“I just can’t believe all the hard work we do gets continually undermined so easily!” lamented Pray Straight director Peter Leotardo. “Eight solid weeks of shamming, manipulation, physical abuse and starvation completely undone, and why? Because ‘Lights’ just so happens to be an undeniable banger? Because every track on ‘Ta-Dah’ happens to be brimming with an exuberance that invites you to cast off the shackles of doubt and conformity and be your true, beautiful self? It’s intoxicating! I mean, disgusting! I mean… I don’t know what I mean. I gotta go to the gym!”
Parents who send their gay children to Pray Straight have grown increasingly irritated at the camp’s recent lack of success.
“I just can’t believe my son would just unlearn eight weeks of rigorous Bible study and shamming after hearing just one damned song!” lamented conservative parent Bob Earlman. “The kicker is, it wasn’t even a song off of ‘Ta-Dah.’ If ‘She’s My Man’ or ‘I Can’t Decide’ made him gay again, I could understand, but he caved to some deep cut off of ‘Night Work,’ and it wasn’t even ‘Whole New Way!’ Uh, I mean, er, what’s Scissor Sisters? And, uh, what’s ‘being gay’ even? Whoa, would you look at the time, I need to leave immediately!”
At press time, Pray Straight director Peter Leotardo was last seen flooring a convertible to Providence, Rhode Island with “Tits on the Radio” blaring out the speakers.
