HAUNTED TOWN, British Columbia — Frustration boiled over today as a monster from a horror movie announced that it was sick of representing people’s trauma, confirmed A24 sources.
“It’s so annoying that people have some traumatic event, and then I have to come along and represent it,” explained the monster, a formless void that manifests itself as an individual’s greatest regret. “I look at my predecessors Jason, Freddy, the Leprechaun, they aren’t a metaphor for shit, they just get to murder horny teens all day without having to worry about being a manifestation of some chick’s depression. I just want to eat people and not have it be a whole thing. In the last two months I’ve had to represent abuse, divorce, the feeling you get when you have a hangnail and pull it off and it brings way more nail than you want, and severe diarrhea. That last one was the easiest to kill, they couldn’t move from the toilet.”
The monster’s frustration did not prevent him from gaining further traumatized victims.
“It all started when I let my friend fall off that cliff,” explained final girl Danica Jones. “It wasn’t my fault, but I still felt immensely guilty. I closed myself off to the world, and then suddenly I see my friend who fell off the cliff, following me. He’s super bloody and still wearing climbing gear so I know right away that this is a monstrous representation of my guilt who has come to punish me by tearing my face off. Fortunately I was able to create a makeshift blowtorch from a propane tank right as I overcame my guilt, and that seemed to kill the monster.”
The recent influx of trauma-focused villains has caused monster hunters to re-evaluate their chosen methods.
“We used to use crossbows and stakes, but now it’s all about therapy,” said 7th generation monster hunter Quinta van Helsing. “Instead of hunting these things down, all we have to do is go to the person being haunted and have them talk about their childhood. It really makes things easier. Honestly, recruitment sucks now because you need to be a licensed psychotherapist. It used to be just a bunch of murdering, but now it’s more about feelings. Kind of lame.”
At press time, the monster was forced to haunt a new victim who is still tortured by their not donating to the Salvation Army at Christmas.
