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Middle-Aged Clarissa Now Mostly Explains Why QAnon is Real

ESSEX, Conn. — Former precocious teen Clarissa Darling has gone from “explaining it all” to spending the majority of her time on Facebook explaining why QAnon is real and HIllary Clinton eats human babies, Thomas Tupper Junior High alum sources confirmed.

“Clarissa and I lost touch after graduation, but I friended her on Facebook a few months back. It was great to reconnect… but then she started flooding my feed with baseless claims about Satan-worshiping pedophiles undermining Trump,” explained Darling’s former best friend Sam Anders. “I tried telling her how no part of QAnon is based in reality, and that literally every claim they’ve made so far has been debunked, but she just screamed, ‘This is the Pearl Jam concert all over again!’ Last I heard, she was considering a run for city council to help ‘spread the truth’ and fight the new world order. I wish I could do something to stop her, but I lost my voting rights because of that bullshit felony breaking-and-entering charge from a few years back.”

Despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary, Darling is steadfast in her belief that QAnon is revealing long-held government secrets.

“Well, how did America get into this totally lame-o state?” Clarissa explained to a blank bedroom wall. “Turns out pretty much a whole ton of lamestream media journalists, Democrats, and Hollywood liberals are kidnapping and enslaving our white, God-fearing children. But don’t worry, folks: our savior Trump will soon be riding in on his white horse to save the day. Zionists will not control this country — I’ll fight to my dying day to ensure that.”

A QAnon “digital soldier” known only as WWG1WGASWAG has had several “odd” online interactions with Darling.

“That Clarissa chick is like, insane, even for a QAnon believer. She kept calling George Soros ‘Pickle-Face,’” said the anonymous Redditor. “And then she claimed Q told her personally that Trump would reunite her with her pet baby alligator ‘Elvis’ that she had to send away to Florida. I mean, even I think that shit is unbelievable.”

Clarissa’s parents have chosen not to intervene, instead focusing all their attention on their son Ferguson who has become heavily involved with the Men’s Rights movement.