Every Dinosaur Jr. Album Ranked Worst to Best

“Prolific” would certainly describe Dinosaur Jr.’s oeuvre. The noisy guys of Amherst, Massachusetts have dropped twelve studio albums over the course of their nearly four-decade (minus nearly one decade, but in a way, two decade) career. Despite the personal drama, the sound has always been consistent — melodic but chaotic, detached but poignant. It’s no easy task to rank the output of the musical equivalent of a group of ironworkers (should they remake “Blue Collar” with these three?) but that doesn’t mean that we won’t try. By the way, none of these albums are bad.

12. Give a Glimpse of What Yer Not (2016)

Coming in at last place is a very good album, “Give a Glimpse Of What Yer Not.” Do you think a titanic musical institution like Dinosaur Jr. cares about which one of their albums comes in last? Gimme a break. There’s a reason these guys didn’t get into competitive sports. Pretty sure Lou Barlow has never thrown a football. Murph might hunt. Sure, J’s been seen skiing and golfing in the music videos, but there’s no way he’d ever have a “coach.”

Play It Again: “I Told Everyone”
Skip It: “I Walk for Miles”

 

11. Sweep It Into Space (2021)

A touch more pared down than their previous album, “Sweep It Into Space” captures a living room recording quality akin to a “Poledo” or some Mascis solo stuff. It’s elegant, simple, and shockingly quiet for a Dinosaur Jr. album. Feels great, to be honest. Imagine you’re on Facebook Marketplace and stumble upon J Mascis selling his effects pedals after this record drops. That might not actually feel so great, to be honest.

Play It Again: “Garden,” best Lou vocal of all time!
Skip It: “I Expect It Always”

 

10. I Bet On Sky (2012)

You gotta smile when listening to this one. While not the ultimate exploration of a more chipper Dinosaur Jr. (see “Take A Run At The Sun,” or as we lovingly call it, The J Mascis Beach Party), it feels pretty damn close to having a locally sourced grapefruit quadruple IPA on an outdoor patio. The jams don’t quite set their roots in like they did on their previous post-reunion effort (which we won’t name just yet for dramatic purposes) but “I Bet On Sky” is an undeniable hit.

Play It Again: “Almost Fare”
Skip It: “Stick a Toe In”

9. Green Mind (1991)

“Green Mind” is cool. What’s not cool about Dinosaur Jr.? Their music sounds like a bunch of amplifiers having a gunfight. And on “Green Mind,” sometimes there aren’t even amplifiers at all, just loudly strummed acoustic guitars that also sound like they might have a pistol on their hip, ready to shoot somebody in the head. That’s right, even the acoustic stuff can kill you if you aren’t careful. Don’t you forget that.

Play It Again: “Blowing It”
Skip It: “Muck”

 

8. Without a Sound (1994)

There’s something immeasurably sad about “Without a Sound,” which is no doubt what makes it great. While other Dinosaur Jr. records like to be unfussy about the volume of noise, this one doesn’t fuss about getting real quiet, falling to basically whispers toward the end on “Seemed Like the Thing to Do.” J Mascis isn’t the type to fuss, man. The guy barely raises his voice above a mutter, there’s no way in hell that he’d even consider fussing.

Play It Again: “Mind Glow”
Skip It: “Even You”

 

7. Dinosaur (1985)

Don’t sleep on the first album, it rips. Obviously the production isn’t the highest caliber, a pretty crusty affair overall – but c’mon man! This is where it all started, the primordial soup, dog! “Mountain Man” is like, a character study about a survivalist? “Heard the snowcats calling?” Basically high fantasy. And in “Quest,” he talks about eating caterpillars. This might as well be Baldur’s Gate.

Play It Again: “Forget the Swan,” with a bullet
Skip It: “Pointless”

 

6. Beyond (2007)

Uh, yeah…I’m thinking they’re back! While perhaps not reaching the highs of another post-reunion record that you’ll see shortly, this is a hell of a comeback album. Reunited in earnest for the first time since 1988, “Beyond” molds the ashes of the original trio into something new, joyous, sustainable. There’s an airy quality to the jams that feels new for these guys, and you can’t help but think that they might be pretty damn happy to be at it again.

Play It Again: “Crumble”
Skip It: “Back to Your Heart”

 

5. Hand It Over (1997)

Genuinely experimental and a product of the (essentially) one-man Mascis Orchestra, “Hand It Over” is certainly out there. And we’re not talking about “Out There.” That’s a different song and it’s not on this record. Don’t expect anything else about “Out There” on this blurb, okay? Strange percussion, trilling horns (see “I’m Insane”), the echoes of a Brian Wilson movement are strong here. No radio hits? Who cares! It’s J’s favorite of this era, and we love it too.

Play It Again: “Alone,” which is likely the best Dinosaur Jr. song of the 1990s.
Skip It: “Gettin’ Rough”

4. Where You Been (1993)

Okay, now we can talk about “Out There.” They put strings on this record! Yeah, that’s right, strings. Imagine, for a second, J Mascis conducting the LA Philharmonic. Big long suit tails, hair tied back into a ponytail like a teen stoner showing up to their court date. That’s basically the vibe on this one, when we’re not being treated to some truly gruesome reverb (‘you know what’ might be the best opening track of any Dinosaur Jr. record) and the most delicate Mascis vocal to date on “Not the Same.”

Play It Again: “Goin’ Home” is a country song, man
Skip It: “Hide”

3. Bug (1988)

A cacophonous, openly hostile listening experience, the impending crack of the band’s sanity is written all over this banger, which is likely what makes it so damn tasty. Worth noting that “Freak Scene” was their first real radio hit, as “Bug” kicks off with this earworm-y single before devolving to complete and utter sonic chaos. Mascis hates it, his least favorite album of the bunch, but we’re not J Mascis, now are we? No, we are not.

Play It Again: “They Always come” through “Budge”….the “flow state” of the record
Skip It: “Keep the Glove”

2. Farm (2009)

“Farm” is a minor miracle, there’s no getting around it. The soloing on “Pieces” and “I Don’t Wanna Go There” goes as hard as any of the first three records, while the sincerity on a track like “Plans” feels more poignant than anything we’ve heard from the boys before. The expected wall of sound starts to feel more like a fortress – with like, a big deep moat around and everything. And not even any crocodiles or archers, either. They know this shit’s gonna hold up.

Play It Again: “See You”
Skip It: “There’s No Here?” But don’t do that, actually.

1. You’re Living All Over Me (1987)

Sorry, not gonna reinvent the wheel on this one. Alternative rock scholars and weird guys in garages across America agree that “You’re Living All Over Me” is a perfect album, deep shreds bolstered by the sparse musings of alternative rock’s great poet laureate. The clarity in their sound a mere two years after “Dinosaur” is pretty unreal. It’s a showstopper. And can you believe this baby clocks in at 36 minutes? If you take out Poledo, that’s like, an episode of Curb. But don’t you dare take out Poledo.

Play It Again: The album “You’re Living All Over Me”
Skip It: Another album by another band that isn’t Dinosaur Jr.

Help! I Took a Week off From Smoking Pot To See if I Function Better, and I Do!

I often find myself disorganized, tired, and way behind on various tasks and projects. I complain about it often, and I started to get really tired of friends, family, and voices in my own head suggesting that maybe I should lay off the cannabis for a while. As we all know, weed has absolutely zero negative effects and any perception that it does is just a holdover from Reagan’s America.

Since weed is in no way shape or form addictive (which is why I can do it every day,) I decided to shut these naysayers and inner monologues up by giving up cannabis for a week. Well, that week is up, and this has been the biggest backfire of my entire life.

After seven days of consuming absolutely no cannabis, I am undoubtedly a better employee, a better husband, and a happier more productive person. I’m organized, clear-headed, and more present. I even wrote a short story that had been bouncing around in my head for like three years. In other words, I am royally fucked here.

I literally have no idea what to do with this information.

I took a week off from weed and it turns out I function better. Okay, great, but now that week is up. Now every morning when I take my first bong hit I’m like, weirdly bummed out.

This is like the story “Flowers for Algernon,” only in… reverse… or, what happens in that story? Agh, see?! It’s happening already!

I miss the before time — my innocence. I miss knowing pot had zero adverse effects and that I was just naturally lazy and incompetent. I want to go back.

I have cursed myself. I am now forced to go through the rest of my life blazing that 420, 24/7, knowing that I am but a puppet who can see the strings. Do not make the same mistake I made. Let my life serve as a cautionary tale: Never stop smoking pot.

Gen X Succeeds in Rebelling Against Society by Becoming Culturally Irrelevant

DES MOINES, Iowa — All 65 million members of Generation X around the country celebrated after finally realizing their goal of becoming invisible to the nation’s political, cultural, and historical landscape.

“It took serious commitment to fight the status quo like we did,” said Clinton Bower from the sunroom of his two-story suburban home he would have likened to a “soulless prison cell for mediocre corporate robots” in his youth. “I’ve voted third-party in every single local, state, and federal election; audibly complained about every well-paying job I’ve ever had; and no matter what new music format came out, I listened to the same 10 bands on it—I never wavered. And I never missed a chance to call those same 10 bands ‘complete sellouts.’ Every other generation thinks they had it tough, but they never faced adversity like having to let yourself into your own house after school and make a sandwich because your mom wasn’t home from work yet.”

Most younger Americans admit they are unable to identify the nihilistic cohort, broadly recognized as born between 1965 and 1980.

“Generation X? Is that a band? I think maybe we learned about them in school, I think they started the Industrial Revolution or something,” said Zara Wheatley, a local 17-year-old high school student. “Oh, wait, so that’s what mom and dad are? I just thought they were, like, young boomers based on the way they treat waiters and retail workers. They showed me some of their old high school pictures and they were always in a basement or at a pond for some reason. Their clothes were pretty cool, I guess.”

According to experts, today’s victory cements their legacy as the nation’s most forgettable generation.

“This was an entire generation molded by a cynical ‘Nothing matters anyway’ ethos that rebelled against the materialistic folly of American society by rolling their eyes, watching music videos on TV, and wearing flannel,” said Garett Nusbaum, sociology chair at Rutgers University. “Members of Gen X worked hard to abandon their societal responsibilities while enjoying decades of economic prosperity. Historically speaking, Gen X will mostly be remembered for smoking shitty weed and playing Dungeons & Dragons while their parents destroyed the economy and environment. But, hell, I’m 38 and owe more in student debt than the GDP of some small countries, so maybe they did something right.”

At press time, the nation’s Gen Xers let out a celebratory “Whatever, man!” in unison.

Bring Out Your Dead, Obituaries of the Week

Melinda Stumkins
November 14, 1982 – August 4, 2023

Born in Silver Spring, Maryland, Melinda Stumkins was a devoted wife, a loving mother to three children, and a loyal and honest friend to all who knew her. Then, four days ago, she learned what grindcore is.

Immediately after her first listen-through of the new album “Bloody Toenail Surprise” by the band Chemical Orphanage, Ms. Stumkins immediately quit her career of 27 years as a radiologist and attempted to rob a Sbarro with garden shears. The following day she went to a local tattoo parlor where she got a forehead tattoo of a vagina and a vagina tattoo of horse dick. Active in her community, Ms. Stumkins then attended a Chemical Orphanage concert during which she intentionally sharted on the nurse who was running the first aid tent. She passed away the following day from an overdose of Sterno, which had become her sole dietary source.

Ms. Stumkins is survived by her husband Kenny, children Lou, Daisy and Fran, and the nurse from the Chemical Orphanage concert who now knows firsthand the effect Sterno has on the human digestive system.

Roy Croce
March 5, 1955 – August 6, 2023

Born in Frankfort, Kentucky, Roy Croce briefly relocated to the town of Fiddlewit before being forced to evacuate when it was violently taken over by nonunionized carnies. At an early age he taught himself to play an instrument of his own invention: a bucket full of nails.

Mr. Croce would frequently approach buskers on the Frankfort streets and ask to jam with them. He would then proceed to furiously shake his bucket full of nails to no particular discernable beat until he was asked to stop. As a result of this behavior, Mr. Croce is today remembered as the godfather of the Kentucky folk-punk scene. He passed away earlier this week from decades of built up, untreated tetanus.

Mr. Croce is survived by his beloved bucket of nails, which the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame has preemptively declined to ever exhibit as an artifact.

Kandace Sprockets
July 22, 1991 – August 9, 2023

Kandace Sprockets was born in Salem, Massachusetts, to parents Exavior and Mysticlina-Hyperboob Sprockets. After dropping out of correspondence college, she worked briefly as a skeleton poser at Spirit Halloween.

Ms. Sprockets helped to found the spiritual empowerment practice “Sprocktology,” which emphasized self-confidence through the consumption of bat ashes. She was single-handedly responsible for the outbreak of ebola at an Orchid concert in 2014. Ms. Sprockets passed away peacefully after being bitten by multiple snakes, which she claimed were her harem.

She is survived by her mother Mysticlina-Hyperboob, and was preceded in death by her father Exavior who had previously died from that exact same snake thing.

Punk Performances on SNL Ranked by How Much They Pissed Off My Dad

Since its inception, music has been as integral a part of Saturday Night Live as comedy is apparently supposed to be. My Dad was in high school when the show premiered and during lockdown decided to catch up on some of the classic episodes on Peacock. In an attempt to bond, he, regrettably, would often text his thoughts on the musical guests, particularly the punk ones. Needless to say, he wasn’t a fan. Here are some that apparently really got his blood boiling before I blocked his number as he was on the verge of a stroke.

16. The Pogues (Season 15, March 17, 1990)

So, actually Dad liked this one because he said he knew this song from when he used to hang out at the F.O.P. lodge and that it reminded him of the music from the old country. He also said you couldn’t do that one song anymore because of cancel culture and how come I don’t call anymore?

15. The Cure (Season 21, May 11, 1996)

Regarding this one, Dad didn’t really say much other than that guy’s mother must have done a number on him. Then he reminded me I need to call my mother more, which is a whole thing.

14. Teenage Fanclub (Season 17, February 15, 1992)

We don’t think Dad had any issue with the music, per se. He just didn’t understand why nobody takes any pride in their appearance anymore and that when he was that age you didn’t go on Carson looking like that. And would it kill them to get a goddamn haircut?

13. The Sugarcubes (Season 14, October 15, 1988)

Dad was mostly just amazed that “that Bjork wackjob” had been around since the ‘80s and was in a punk band. He followed that up with something about something in the water and socialism.

12. The Clash (Season 8, October 9, 1982)

I think Dad retroactively tried to claim he liked the Clash because he associates the song “Rock the Casbah” with Desert Storm back when America was still kicking ass. Mom said just take everything he said with a grain of salt because being on disability for so long was getting to him.

11. Rollins Band (Season 22, April 19, 1997)

Pamela Anderson hosted this one so I think Dad was mostly just pissed off that she wasn’t on the TV at the exact moment. Mom wasn’t sure if it was a good idea for Henry Rollins to be performing barefoot as that stage didn’t look very clean.

10. Patti Smith (Season 1, April 17, 1976)

Gerald Ford’s Chief of Staff hosted this one and Dad said it’s no wonder that peanut farmer won in ‘76 if that “liberal” Ford approved of this sort of bullshit. He said he was thankful Reagan came along four years later, but by then the damage was probably already done.

9. Blink-182 (Season 25, January 8, 2000)

My old man said these guys reminded him of those goddamn slackers with their skateboards that are always hanging around the 7-11, up to no good. Used to be a time when kids their age spent their summers mowing lawns and flipping burgers instead of going on TV with their cocks out like a bunch of goddamn hippies. (Pick up a copy of “Dude Ranch” on vinyl today)

Punk Child’s Birthday Party Has Bouncy Dischord House

CARTHAGE, Texas — Eight-year-old birthday boy and aspiring punk Giovanni Duhamel specifically requested an inflatable, bouncy “Dischord House” for his backyard party, sources confirmed while lining up to take a bounce for themselves.

“He’s a normal kid, y’know? He loves ‘Beyblade,’ ‘Teen Titans’ and, sure, like most third graders these days, he has a deep love and understanding of the ‘80s D.C hardcore scene. It was only natural he’d want it to be the theme of his big bash,” said Duhamel’s step-father Percy, as he manned the hand ‘X’ painting booth. “Of course, all the kids want a picture in the big puffy porch part. The bounciness sent one kid flying clear across the yard, but he ended up in the basketball hoop, so he could still pay homage to Fugazi. Remind me to get him down around cake time.”

Attendees of the party were also delighted to meet “Ian MacKaye,” a costumed walk-around character of the actual Minor Threat founder.

“I really wish I was allowed to charge more than five dollars for my appearance fees, but on the whole, it’s about the art,” said professional “Party Ian” Ollie Giscombe, from under his big bald fake head. “When I see the look on the birthday boy or girl’s face when I scream ‘Don’t inhale birthday candle smoke! Don’t drink too much Hawaiian Punch! And don’t fuh-orget to send thank you notes to everyone who got you a present’ I know it’s all worth it. Oh, but the kids who think I’m Elmer Fudd can kick bricks, though.”

Punk Bounce House rental company owner Cornelia Loggins was glad to provide the party with its centerpiece.

“Oh yeah, the inflatable Dischord House is definitely one of the most popular novelties we offer. That kid was lucky, we just patched it up after a vicious rupture after a little girl’s studded vest popped it. I almost had to send a blow-up Gilman Street as a replacement and hope the little S.O.B didn’t notice,” said Loggins. “Top seller is still what we call ‘Tee-Hee-GB’s.’ That’s a big bouncy CBGB, which is my favorite because we never have to hose the vomit off it after. Just gets more and more authentic with every tummy ache.”

At press time, a classmate of Duhamel’s was kicked out of the party for eating a fudgsicle, when the invitation specifically stated “No Ice Cream Eating Motherfuckers.”

Every Echo & the Bunnymen Album Ranked Worst to Best

Echo & the Bunnymen is the greatest of the first wave of British post-punk to be mostly remembered for that time you watched “Donnie Darko” while kind of drunk. The core quartet of singer Ian McCulloch, guitarist Will Sergeant, bassist Les Pattinson, and drummer Pete de Freitas had all the talent of the Smiths or Joy Division, but the temerity to say they liked the Doors and thus never really acquired the same kind of legendary status as some of their peers.

That is one of the great tragedies of modern rock because Echo & the Bunnymen have gone the distance, and while Morrissey has devolved into a plush mascot for racists, and no one in New Order will even look at each other anymore (except maybe the married ones), McCulloch and company are still going strong. We’re here to show you why.

Also, no, Echo isn’t the name of a drum machine. Stop saying that.

13. Reverberation (1990)

First things first, “Reverberation” should consider itself fucking lucky to be on this list, even in last place. We would gladly kick this album out of here for not featuring Ian McCulloch in any capacity and replacing him with singer Noel Burke, but at the end of the day, it’s still officially in the discography. The funny thing is, it’s actually a pretty decent early 1990s alternative rock album, but this band is Echo & the Bunnymen like Dunkaroos are edible food: just barely.

Play It Again: “Flaming Red”
Skip It: “Freaks Dwell”

 

12. The Stars, the Oceans & the Moon (2018)

“The Stars, the Oceans & the Moon” is that most dreaded of cash-ins, a re-recorded album of greatest hits that just remind you how good the band used to be. That said, Ian McCulloch’s now-weathered voice and new arrangements by Will Sergeant at least give a lesser-known banger like “Nothing Lasts Forever” a little more air, even if the opener “Bring on the Dancing Horses” isn’t bringing anything a 55-year-old with four bourbons in them can’t give you at karaoke. Stick to the originals.

Play It Again: “Nothing Lasts Forever”
Skip It: “Bedbugs & Ballyhoo”

11. Flowers (2001)

The best cut on an album is called “It’s Alright,” and that’s an easy joke we’re not above making. By the time Echo & the Bunnymen proper had gotten back together, British retro-psychedelia was beginning to peter out on the last fumes of Brit-pop, and “Flowers” just didn’t have much to offer than weird titles and McCulloch’s still powerful voice. It’s not quite an album treading water, but this is unquestionably an album that can’t quite decide what kind of band made it.

Play It Again: “It’s Alright” (We were joking, it rips)
Skip It: “Buried Alive”

10. Siberia (2005)

Okay, the guys managed to get their shit together. “Siberia” is a significant step up from “Flowers” on pretty much every level, even if it seems designed in a lab to make guys with horn-rim glasses say they liked the early stuff better. It is unreasonable to ask a band in its fourth decade to come up with something as good as “The Killing Moon,” so we’re not going to. By this point, the band was whittled down to just Ian McCulloch and Will Sergeant, Les Pattinson having left after the first two reunion albums and Pete de Freitas dying in a tragic car accident. “Siberia” is pretty solid for half the crew being gone.

Play It Again: “Stormy Weather”
Skip It: “Make Us Blind”

9. The Fountain (2009)

With “The Fountain,” Echo & the Bunnymen managed to do something astonishing for a veteran band: making something fucking weird. There’s a looseness to the band’s 11th album that was missing over the last few releases, which doesn’t exactly put it up there in the pantheon, but it’s good to hear Ian McCulloch and Will Sergeant having fun again. While the band has always been known for its eccentricity and intense guitar lines, discovering they knocked out a bizarre 1960s pop throwback like “Proxy” or the pun-filled “Shroud of Turin” really does make you appreciate that they still try. Plus, “Proxy” really is goofy.

Play It Again: “Proxy”
Skip It: “Shroud of Turin”

8. Meteorites (2014)

“Meteorites” is the kind of album that you expect to act as the capstone to a legendary career, full of deep emotions that are wasted on idiots like us and infused with a palpable world-weariness. Then Echo & the Bunnymen kept making albums, so it does spoil the effect somewhat, but this is still the best of the band’s post-2000 albums by a fairly wide margin. Teaming up with producer Youth (formerly of Killing Joke) infuses the album with a more full, polished sheen than Echo & the Bunnymen fans might be used to, but honestly, what could you expect from these guys by this point?

Play It Again: “Lovers on the Run”
Skip It: “Constantinople”

7. Crocodiles (1980)

Didn’t expect to see the band’s debut album, “Crocodiles,” all the way down here on the list, did you? That’s right, we’re crazy. But while “Crocodiles” has ferocious, astonishing tracks like “Rescue and “Do It Clean,” Ian McCulloch and the rest still had a lot of work to do before they really figured out the trippy, abrasive near-pop that that would make them immortal. “Crocodiles” is like watching a future champion play in a minor league; impressive, but still just AAA ball. Plus, they called a song “All That Jazz.” Just… don’t do that.

Play It Again: “Rescue”
Skip It: “All That Jazz”

6. Evergreen (1997)

“Evergreen” was Echo & the Bunnymen’s big shot at relevancy during the Britpop years; hell, they even brought in Liam Gallagher at his hoarsest on backing vocals for “Nothing Last Forever,” which he probably did for half a bottle of vodka and some shit-talking. In many ways, “Evergreen” is the band’s most elegant work, full of huge, immaculately constructed ballads like “Forgiven” and “Empire State Halo.” Of course, the 1990s were a stupid time, and “Evergreen” didn’t get the rapturous reception it deserved. Instead, it went to the Spice Girls, so think about that for a while.

Play It Again: “Forgiven”
Skip It: “Baseball Bill”

5. What Are You Going to Do with Your Life? (1999)

After “Evergreen” briefly charted and then disappeared into the dreams of middle-aged music nerds, Ian McCulloch and Will Sergeant regrouped for the softest, most pensive record of their career together. That doesn’t mean that Sergeant tones down the legendary angularity of his guitar work or that the duo was above throwing a brass section into a few tracks like “When It All Blows Over.” “What Are You Going to Do with Your Life?” can be summed up in a word: bittersweet, which feels appropriate for a band that, on some level, knew they had their last real shot about breaking big.

Play It Again: “What Are You Going to Do with Your Life?”
Skip It: “Lost on You”

4. Heaven Up Here (1981)

Echo & the Bunnymen’s second album improves on “Crocodiles” in virtually every way, including not having a terrible title. According to Les Pattinson, the band’s laziness basically corralled them into finding some kind of rhythm together, and thank god for that. “Heaven Up Here” stands shoulder to shoulder with the Cure’s “Faith” and Pornography” in terms of sheer atmospheric dread and spiraling instrumental madness, which probably means the two bands were sharing some of the same dealers. It is also likely the least commercial of all the band’s efforts, but sometimes you don’t need to be trying to achieve greatness.

Play It Again: “A Promise”
Skip It: “It Was a Pleasure”

3. Self-Titled (1987)

“Echo & the Bunnymen” is the apex of the band as an attempted commercial entity, which makes sense when you know they fired the weirdo from the KLF as manager and got Duran Duran’s tour guy instead. If the band had been able to get Ian McCulloch from descending into Jim Morrison-like drunken stardom, it might have been their finest achievement, up there with huge cultural crossovers like U2’s “The Joshua Tree.” But as it is, this is still a band that, for just a moment, was able to lock into a perfect pop sensibility and produce a near-masterpiece.

Play It Again: “Lips Like Sugar”
Skip It: “Bedbugs & Ballyhoo” (again, it sucks)

2. Porcupine (1983)

WEA, Echo & the Bunnymen’s label at the time, rejected “Porcupine” as being too uncommercial, and the band themselves described the mood during recording as horrible and strained. Naturally, this produced one of the great bleak post-punk records of all time, a howling maelstrom of shattered pop like “The Back of Love” sitting alongside the trippy layered vocals and depressive poetry of “Higher Hell.” It’s a nervy, nervous album made by a band that was in its first phase of nearly falling apart, and it sounds like it, in the best way. We’re not saying that great music is always made by four white guys upset with each other in a small room, but “Porcupine” makes a pretty good case for it.

Play It Again: “The Back of Love”
Skip It: “My White Devil”

1. Ocean Rain (1984)

For decades now, Ian McCulloch has told the world not just that “Ocean Rain” is Echo & the Bunnymen’s best album but that it’s the fucking best album ever made. The thing is, he might actually have a point. “Ocean Rain” is a perfect synthesis of everything that the band has ever done, from the glorious shimmering strings that open “Silver” to the melancholy, wanderlust fantasy of “Ocean Rain.” This is an album in which “The Killing Moon” has serious competition in mystery and guitar hooks, like the wistful “Seven Seas” or the absurdly catchy “My Kingdom.” It’s an immensely dense album (literally, in that every instrument in the world, from a marimba to a 35-piece orchestra, shows up), but at the same time, as accessible as any pop album of the 1980s. Alright, McCulloch, you made your point.

Play It Again: “Ocean Rain”
Skip It: “The Yo Yo Man”

Elvis Presley Rock & Roll Hall of Fame Exhibit to Steal Layout of African American History Museum

CLEVELAND — Officials at the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame’s Elvis Presley exhibit announced they will be copying the exact layout of the African American History Museum in an attempt to accurately honor rock star Elvis Presley’s legacy, multiple sources confirmed.

“Elvis Presley is one of the most important figures in music history,” said exhibit curator Ethan Crabb. “That’s why we’re doing what he would’ve wanted by stealing the creative work of Black people, repacking it, and selling it to White people. The exhibit is sort of like the music section of the African American History Museum, but less genuine and more palatable to the people that seek out the Rock &’ Roll Hall of Fame. We expect most people will praise the Elvis exhibit as groundbreaking and basically get all the credit for reshaping how we view museums.”

The exhibit is facing sizable backlash from music critics, which angered many Elvis fans across the country.

“What’s the fuss about? He’s literally the king of rock n’ roll. The entire museum should be dedicated to the man,” mumbled Elvis superfan Buford Limroy, sporting a Blue Lives Matter hat. “Besides, all those musicians should be honored that Elvis loved their work so much. If Elvis stole something from me, I’d piss myself with happiness. Hell, I’d let Elvis bang my wife. He’s a pioneer, and ‘originality’ or whatever will never take that away from him. I really wish he was still around and would bang my wife. Just imagining his hips thrusting back and forth does something to me.”

Museum critic Lincoln Hazel, however, doesn’t find this decision out of the ordinary for museums.

“Most museums are just houses for stolen goods,” said Hazel. “Considering the amount of colonial terror they’ve caused, pretty much any given history museum in England is a crime scene. This Elvis exhibit is no different, though at least the curator is honest enough to admit he’s reinforcing racism in the art world. I, on the other hand, prefer to keep that to myself.”

The exhibit will debut and run exclusively in February of every year to take attention away from Black History Month.

Bummer: This Guy Was Born 4/20/69 but He’s Not Remotely Fun or Interesting

You don’t need to spend much time in the smoke shop or the sex shop to know about the numerical significance of both “420” and “69.” And anyone bestowed with the natal honor of being born on April 20, 1969, would ideally be a true ambassador for free-spiritedness and non-conformity. Sadly, we met someone born on that date, and in all honesty, he’s pretty boring. And that’s putting it nicely.

On the surface, Greg Paulson seems like a pretty run-of-the-mill guy, a 54-year-old systems analyst who lives in the suburbs and who “treats himself” to Buffalo Wild Wings every Friday. But underneath the surface, well, there’s not much there either.

To be honest, we’re not even sure if he’s aware of how significant his birthdate is. When giving his DOB, he didn’t smirk or show any sign of trying to contain himself. And when we said “nice” in response, he didn’t react at all! He seemed more confused if anything.

Now, he might not “partake” in the chronic. But you don’t need to know your sativa from your indica to know about 420. Honestly, we’d be surprised if he’s tried anything stronger than Metamucil.

That alone would be unfortunate. But his birth year really adds insult to injury. If there’s one thing you don’t think around Greg, it’s “this guy fucks.” Granted, we know he’s married and has kids. But “has had sex” is not the same thing as “fucks.” And he doesn’t seem like someone who gives oral in any position. He makes Hank Hill seem like a regular Casanova.

Maybe it’s a generational thing? Like, 420 and 69 have been known about for decades. But maybe it didn’t spread so fast in the pre-internet age, and he missed the boat? But that still doesn’t fully explain it. After all, should someone with that birthdate just be naturally charismatic, with a million stories to share about all the crazy shenanigans they’ve gotten into over the years?

Well, he might have a stable career, home ownership, and a loving family. But what’s that ultimately worth when it means wasting such a meme-worthy birthday?

We Ranked Every Rites of Spring Song Because Some Guy In Our Comments Section Called Us Posers

Here’s the deal. We love Fugazi and we love Minor Threat. We’ve mentioned both bands several times in print because they rule. However, some ice cream eating motherfucker in our comments section had the gall to insinuate that we’ve never heard of Rites of Spring and therefore are ‘fake emo bullshit posers’ simply because we haven’t given them much press. First off, fuck that guy. We don’t give a shit about what he thinks. Secondly, it really bothers us that he called us that.

We should probably take the high road here and just let it go, but we can’t live with the stain this slander has smeared all over us. To prove this asshole wrong and come out on top, we’ve ranked every song from Rites of Spring’s self-titled album and EP, ‘All Through A Life.’ Please don’t tell our therapist. We can’t afford another emergency session.

17. “For Want Of”

There’s likely nothing less punk than enjoying something with over three million streams on Spotify. Because this is arguably the band’s most well-known song, we’re going to err on the side of caution here and place it dead last as to not seem pedestrian. We’re not posers, so we have no way of knowing for sure, but putting a super popular track higher up in the list sure seems like something a poser would do. It would be like ranking “Waiting Room” as the best Fugazi song.

16. “Hain’s Point”

‘Hain’s Point’ is a noble effort, but sounds notably unfinished when compared to the rest of the band’s catalog. Picciotto may feel as though he’s ‘falling through a hole in his heart’ throughout the track, but we just feel like we’re falling through a half-assed song written to fill the tracklist. Maybe we’re being harsh, but the track almost sounds as if they didn’t know they were part of the motherfucking Revolution Summer Movement and that’s unforgivable.

15. “All There Is”

Rites of Spring are often credited as the originators of Emo music. Many point to the band as an example of how far the genre has strayed from its fundamental roots, and they’re usually right. This song, however, is whiny as shit. If you’re attempting to prove to your MCR-loving friend that Emo is more than just breakup songs and bad poetry, you’d be well advised to stay far away from this track.

14. “Hidden Wheel”

This probably would have been a great cut had it been sped up and recorded with the ramshackle intensity of the band’s previous work, but with the cleaned-up sound of their EP, ‘All Through a Life,’ it falls tragically flat. Remember that time you told your rowdy as fuck friend to get his shit together and he corrected his course way too hard? He’s boring as hell now. That’s essentially the deal with this song.

13. “Persistent Vision”

There are some pretty neat backward guitars at the end of this one. We can’t confirm, but we’re pretty positive the Rites Boys were the first band to ever think of incorporating reversed sounds on a track in the entire history of recorded music. That small bit of innovation aside, this song doesn’t offer much else to differentiate it from the herd and isn’t going to send anyone running to the record store for a copy anytime soon.

12. “Theme”

There’s some sort of phaser or flanger or chorus or something on Mike Fellows’ bass during this track. While we’re not sure of the exact stomp-box that was utilized, everyone knows using any effect on bass other than distortion is gross and not punk at all. If we had to guess the ‘theme’ of this track, it would be ‘we just got a bunch of goofy pedals.’ The band would have done well to leave that flashy shit behind. No one likes a showoff, Brendan.

11. “Patience”

Ugh, again with the flanger or phaser or whatever. It just doesn’t sound good, and it never will. If you’re in or starting any kind of band at all, get that shit off of your pedalboard immediately like Picciotto did after Rites of Spring broke up. Despite the aural misstep, this is a fine track. It just doesn’t seem to fit with the band’s overall image or sound and it mostly just makes us want to listen to the more successful permutations of Picciotto’s songwriting in Fugazi’s discography.

10. “All Through A Life”

As the opening track to the band’s final EP, an immediate departure is conveyed in ‘All Through A Life.’ The biggest difference is that it actually sounds kind of listenable. Ian MacKaye’s increased recording skill coupled with a more rehearsed band helped craft a more polished sound. Because we aren’t actually ‘talentless losers with zero integrity,’ as some would have you believe, we think that higher production values equate to worse-sounding music, so down in the lower half it goes.

9. “By Design”

This song is fine. Maybe due to its late position in the original tracklist of the band’s debut, it gives off a bit of an ‘okay, we get the gist’ vibe. There is nothing terrible or even remotely remarkable about this song, which means that guy who called us ‘hacks’ on Instagram last week probably fucking loves it. Sorry, this is a smack-dab-in-the-middle song at best.

8. “Other Way Around”

If you happen to have an original pressing of Rites of Spring’s self-titled LP, you might notice that this song is nowhere to be found. That’s because it was only added when the album was repressed in 1987, a full year after the band dissolved. Because this song wasn’t even readily available when the band was actually active, and the act of adding it as a bonus track for a fresh pressing feels a bit cash grabby, we must rank it lower here no matter how much that riff in the intro fucking shreds.

7. “Drink Deep”

While not the worst song in the world, and clearly a foundational composition for future Fugazi numbers, this track is nearly five minutes long and we have shit to do. Guy Picciotto claims to ‘believe in moments’ during the lengthy and mostly uneventful runtime of ‘Drink Deep.’ Our only wish here is that he would have had less faith in at least two minutes’ worth of the track’s moments while crafting it.

6. “In Silence/Words Away”

Though much of the band’s last EP proved to be a bit underwhelming after their riotous debut, this track has a bit of the familiar edge. Stuck somewhere firmly between Picciotto’s past and future stylistic choices, ‘In Silence/Words Away’ can almost be seen as a fitting swan song to his previous life as a sole frontman before careening wildly into sharing the outsized role in Fugazi. Sorry to ramble, we’ve been listening to a lot of Rites of Spring as you have probably gathered.

5. “Remainder”

If you listen closely, you can almost hear every one of your favorite punk-adjacent bands from the last twenty years being conceived throughout this track, which is one of the more melodic entries into the band’s brief catalog. The outro riff alone likely spawned an entire generation of pop-punk legends. Blame Rites of Spring or praise them depending on your feelings about the FuseTV-era of Emo and Punk, but one thing is certain, they bear nearly all of the responsibility.

4. “Nudes”

Before you start undressing and finding your most flattering selfie angle the next time you receive a text that says “send nudes,” stop and consider that the sender probably just needs help finding a link to Rites of Spring’s classic, ‘Nudes.’ This will potentially save you a ton of embarrassment down the line, and the track’s groove is as undeniable as its lyrics are existential and weird. ‘Nudes’ showcases the band at the near peak of their performative abilities, which is more than we can say for the last time the idiot that called us ‘phonies’ was in the buff.

3. “Spring”

Now that’s how you start a goddamn insanely influential and genre-birthing debut album. ‘Spring’ wastes no time kicking the absolute shit out of you. One blink-and-you’ll-miss-it snare hit and it’s ‘buckle up, fucker.’ At a neck-breaking two-minute run time, a casual listener will barely have time to get back on their feet before the final guitar notes ring out. We’re no casual listeners here, though. In fact, we’re still cleaning up all the shit we knocked over while slam-dancing to this one in the office.

2. “Deeper Than Inside”

Oh fuuuuuuck yeah. This is a ripper that is sure to have you strutting circles around your living room in no time. This one’s got angular riffs, chants a plenty, and a Picciotto voice constantly on the verge of completely going out. There aren’t many songs that more accurately sound like the term “emotive hardcore.” At least not outside of Rites of Spring’s discography, there aren’t.

1. “End on End”

I know we just recently criticized ‘Drink Deep’ for being almost five minutes long, so you’re probably wondering why we put a nearly eight-minute-long song in the top spot. Well, idiot, the reason is that ‘Drink Deep’ is a boring slog, and ‘End on End’ is batshit crazy levels of incredible. If Rites of Spring released this song, and only this song, they would probably be equally if not twice as legendary as they are now. Essentially, ‘End on End’ condenses everything great about the band’s sound into a singular track that could pass for a respectable EP in its own right. Even Dischord Records used the track’s title as the name of the compilation release of their repackaged discography. You literally can’t fight us on this, and we will not be fielding any arguments at this time. (Plus it’s the opening song in “Jump Off a Building.”)

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