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Hyperventilating Teacher Assures Friends That She “Absolutely Loves” Her Job Despite It Causing Stress, Insomnia, Nausea, Anxiety, Back Pain, Strained Relationships, Excruciating Burnout, and a Deep Loathing for All of Humanity

MILWAUKEE — Local third-grade teacher Grace Redding recently stated she “would not trade her job for the world” despite the constant toll it takes on her physical and mental health, skeptical sources report.

“Of course, teaching can have its tough days, like any job,” Redding explained while taking a Klonopin after an active shooter drill. “But I don’t think I’m special just because my workday makes me daydream about getting in a non-fatal-but-life-altering car accident. Anyhow, I made a career choice, and I’m here for the children. They have so much potential and deserve to have an engaging education, even if Jax has a licking problem and Skyyler once threw a stapler at my head, drawing blood. All the horrible shit I deal with on a daily basis, both stress-wise and bodily, is worth it. It has to be, right?”

Heather Cook, a close friend of Redding, has seen a change in Redding’s personality.

“Grace used to have a great sense of humor. Now, I’ve had to remind her several times how–and when–to laugh. Every time we hang out, she appears to be on the brink of collapse, barely eating, with bloodshot eyes muttering about the start of summer break,” Cook said. “Grace has always advocated for herself, but she’s become a shell of a person. I know she wouldn’t tolerate this kind of toxicity, harassment, and abuse in any other kind of relationship. I think I have to start researching cult deprogramming.”

Staff at Ronald W. Reagan Elementary School appreciate Redding ’s dedication to her profession.

“Mrs. Redding is truly making a difference in our community by educating the next generation of TikTok stars,” says Reagan Elementary School Principal Betsie Devoos. “For a salary less than half a livable income, a four-year staffing shortage, the daily threat that one of these bastards might bring a gun to school, the ongoing pressure of the pandemic, no budget for new supplies, a broken HVAC system, emotionally stunted students and emotionally entitled parents, the accumulated workplace trauma that will take decades to undo, climate change and political unrest bringing the future of the world into question, and a national under-valuing of education, we are so fortunate to have her teaching children at the expense of her own health and wellbeing.”

At press time, Redding was seen taking a second job as a server with better pay and health insurance.