WALLINGFORD, Conn. — A blossoming romance wilted last night after Ty Baldwin, lead singer of local punk outfit Gashmaggot, called his new girlfriend by his ex-drummer’s name in bed, embarrassed sources report.
“We were sharing a moment of consensual intimacy, so to speak, when suddenly he got right in my ear and whispered, ‘I love feeling so close to you, Z-Man,’” said Baldwin’s former love interest Kara Stevens. “I couldn’t even pretend like I didn’t know who Z-Man was. Ty talks about how good Z-Man is at keeping the beat all the time. Look, I’ve played in lots of bands so I know how difficult it is to shake the memory of a good drummer, but this was a total deal breaker.”
Although Baldwin himself was difficult to get in contact with, he offered the following statement.
“I don’t know a Kara Stevens and I don’t know a drummer named Z-Man. All I can say is Gashmaggot just signed a $50 million record deal and I have to leave town immediately,” said Baldwin despite all evidence to the contrary. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go delete every dating app I’ve ever been on, change my name, and drastically alter my appearance in order to pursue my new musical direction.”
Dr. Lydia Twombly-Pierce, the preeminent authority on punk psychology, cited her new book, “The Scaredest Little Boy in the Room” to explain Baldwin’s behavior.
“The mind of a punk musician is one of the most fragile emotional environments in nature; an unstable combination of developmental paralysis and delusions of grandeur. For a punk, the drummer is both mother figure and enabler of the rock’n’roll fantasy, so when that drummer leaves–and they always do–what’s left is a sad punk with a dead dream and nothing left to do but take out his hyper-Freudian anguish on the next person he dates. I suggest Ms. Stevens read the rest of my book for more advice, which is currently on sale for $29.99.”
At time of publication, Stevens was looking to avoid any future disappointments of the sort by only dating drummers, adding, “they never remember anyone’s name anyway.”