ALEXANDRIA, Va. — Four out of five physical therapists now recommend the technique of astral projection for dealing with chronic pain, sources from the American Physical Therapy Association confirmed today.
“Our best practices don’t change often,” explained Diana Riley, one of the top physical therapists in the nation. “We have decades and decades of rigorous scientific and medical research backing our approaches to all manner of injuries, imbalances, and pain disorders. But we’ve been seeing a real uptick in just completely beyond help, fucked up bodies. More and more people are just falling apart no matter what we do. So we started thinking outside of the box, which got us to thinking outside of the body. Literally. We’re teaching people to have their consciousness be anywhere other than their shitty body.”
Many people with chronic pain who have felt dissatisfied with their physical therapy experiences are reacting to the news.
“This is honestly kind of a relief because I’ve been to physical therapy like eight different times and I’ve never actually felt that much better,” shared Sarah Blake. “I always go to my appointments and I do my exercise homework diligently and they don’t believe me when I say I’m still in pain. It’s a relief to know that I’m not the only one who’s been experiencing this, so much so that they had to change a huge part of their programs to address it. And it’s even more of a relief to know there is now such a practical alternative available to us.”
Experts in the field of astral projection have begun to share their expert take on this new development.
“I could have told you astral projection was the answer years ago,” shared Adam Gilson. “My community hasn’t been in our bodies for like a decade straight. Have you seen the conditions out there? We’re all just hanging out in the astral projection world version of Tomodachi Island. We know about that because we have someone report back every week. I’m using astral Zoom technology for this interview right now.”
Physical therapists across the nation are now looking into this thing called “opium” to help those less experienced at astral projection, with talk that they may even open special centers or “dens” for the treatment.
