Press "Enter" to skip to content

50 “BoJack Horseman” Characters Ranked by the Likelihood I Would Eat Shrooms With Them

One of the cool things about the decline of America is that they sell shrooms at bodegas now. I walked out of that corner store with two 5mg chocolate bars, a coconut water coffee drink and a bag of Cheeto-flavored Lays potato chips thinking “What a time to be alive!” It wasn’t until I got home that I realized I’m 38 and don’t have any friends to trip with.

Don’t get me wrong, I have “friends,” but most of them have kids now and they’re not really into tripping anymore. Or hanging out. Or communicating at all save for a random meme every 4-6 months.

With all of my old trip buddies out of the game, I decided to share the shrooms with someone from the group of people I’ve spent the most time with lately, the characters from “BoJack Horseman.”

Here are the top 50 BoJack characters ranked by how willing I am to go on a psychedelic journey with them. Let’s see who it’s gonna be!

50. Joseph Sugarman

This guy is lawful-evil incarnate. As a rule, never trip with someone who has had anyone lobotomized before, especially their own wife. He was a monstrous husband, even by the metric of ‘40s rich white guys, and not much better of a father. I would trip with my own Dad before I tripped with Beatrice’s.

49. Jeremiah Whitewhale

This would be like eating shrooms with Jeff Bezos if Jeff Bezos had confirmed kills. The only reason he’s not dead last is because he’s voiced by Stephen Root, and isn’t that guy just a treasure?

48. Meow Meow Fuzzyface

Obviously a poor choice, he’s a narc and he loves entrapment. Even if he was going to be cool about it, the guy is a loose cannon.

47. Vance Waggoner

Somehow on a show where most of the characters are animals, Vance is the one most likely to bite you. He starts as Mel Gibson and then somehow gets worse. Unless you like being in the background of TMZ celebrity meltdown videos or getting brought to sketchy parties and ditched, Vance is one of the last people you want to do drugs with or even be around.

46. Butterscotch Horseman

Wow, 5 entries in and I am already regretting my decision to trip with one of these characters. Well, Butterscotch is a stone-cold bummer. Even the fact that he’s a talking horse won’t charm you out of being dragged down by his self-serious degenerate Jack Kerouac wannabe demeanor—another hard pass.

45. J.D. Salinger

Tripping on mushrooms while an aged and bitter J.D. Salinger calls you a phony is literally something that happens when you go to hell.

44. Copernicus

One of the unwritten rules of tripping is “Never trip with a cult leader.” In fact, they really ought to write it down, it’s pretty important. It’s been proven that hallucinogenic drugs can put the user in a more suggestible state, and once I reached that state this dude would yes-and me out of house and home for sure.

43. Honey Sugarman

Some research has suggested that mushrooms can actually help repair the brain, but probably not after your evil husband cuts a big piece of it out. Sorry, Honey. For, like, a lot.

42. Ritchie Osbourne

I wouldn’t even buy mushrooms from Ritchie Osbourne let alone trip with him. This former child actor turned shady sleazeball drug lord pimp is one of the most despicable characters on the show, and on this show that’s saying a lot. Go home, Goober!

41. Tom Jumbo-Grumbo

There’s only one news anchor I: would ever do shrooms with and Peter Jennings is dead.

40. Beatrice Horseman

If I wanted to spend my entire mushroom trip with an overly critical voice telling me I’m inadequate I would just do it alone.

39. Ralph Stilton

Sure, Ralph is “nice,” but he’s a total square! He’s definitely never done mushrooms before, and I don’t want to have to babysit him after he peaks and realizes his privileged family is racist toward cats.

38. Flip McVicker

Best case scenario, Flip would spend the entire trip telling you how brilliant his latest project is. More likely, he’ll get insecure and violent and do whatever he can to get you naked.

37. Doctor Champ

I mean, hopefully, he’s sober again, right? Right?

36. Rutabega Rabitowitz

He would be charming at first, but then your third eye would open and you would see right through him.

35. Vanessa Gekko

I feel like Gekko would find a way to make tripping a competition somehow. Like she would make a bunch of passive-aggressive brags about how the shrooms are hitting her harder and how much better her visuals are, and suggest I look into getting on her level.

34. Abe D’catfish

“Hey, it’s not like we’re strung out on LSD!”
“Because we’re on mushrooms?”
Kinda funny, but the bit would get old fast even if you were hallucinating.

33. BoJack

If you think the titular character belongs at the top of this list you haven’t watched the show. Sure he can be fun if you catch him on a good day, but the wind never stays just right for BoJack very long does it? One minute he’s the life of the party buying restaurants on a whim just to show off, the next he’s calling himself from your phone to make it look like he wasn’t there when you overdosed.

32. Quentin Tarantulino

He’s part Quentin Tarantino, part spider, two creatures whose work I respect (making cool movies and controlling fly populations respectively) but never want to be alone in a room with. Especially on drugs.

31. Sextina Aquafina

I’m as pro-choice as the next guy but Sextina’s celebratory views on abortion might be a little heavy to handle on shrooms.

30. Hollyhock Manheim-Mannheim-Guerrero-Robinson-Zilberschlag-Hsung-Fonzerelli-McQuack

Hollyhock can’t handle her high, and if she winds up panicking and going to the hospital you’ve got eight pissed-off dads to answer to.

Continue Reading:

1 2 3