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Nation Honors Jimmy Buffet with Happy Hour of Silence

PALM BEACH, Fla. — Hawaiian shirt and khaki short-wearing mourners on beaches across the country solemnly participated in a memorial Happy Hour of Silence to honor the late Jimmy Buffet, sources confirmed.

“The second I heard Jimmy went to the great beach party in the sky, I knew I had to get to the closest tiki-themed bar and raise a glass,” said 63-year-old Dave Lamon. “But even though I was tempted to pop ‘Cheeseburger in Paradise’ on the jukebox and do a rowdy singalong, it didn’t feel right. This was the time to reflect quietly on the gift Jimmy gave us while I cried silently into my electric blue tropical drink. And I’ll tell you what, I wasn’t the only one. The bar ran out of paper umbrellas by 2 p.m., and I’m pretty sure I haven’t heard a single word uttered other than a drink order or a muffled sob in the several hours I’ve been here.”

Christina McGown, a franchise owner and manager of a Margaritaville Resort, lent her insight into what the chain is doing to honor their fallen founder.

“It is a sad, sad day here in Margaritaville,” said McGown while draping the resort bar’s tables in black tablecloths. “We will be holding a candlelight vigil for the next several days in order to properly mourn the late Mr. Buffet. I even ordered these special black martini glasses that should be delivered tomorrow. I’m thinking that we swap out all the plastic pink flamingos for crows or something too, since Halloween stuff is in stores already. Oh, and we can get one of those industrial spray paint things and coat the palm trees! Wait, am I enjoying getting to do something different for a change? I’m sorry, I need to go listen to our theme song and get back in the correct headspace, I’m clearly not thinking correctly.”

Music critic Stanley Hamper reflected on Buffet’s iconic career.

“I can guarantee you that old guys who have made their whole personality liking coconuts or whatever are having the worst day of their lives,” Hamper said. “Now that Jimmy is gone, they have no one to look up to. No one to point to and say ‘If he’s made a career out of being an ultra-laid back beach bum, why can’t I?’ when their wives complain that fishing isn’t a replacement for a real job. But you know what, I’m being too harsh. I’ve felt this cosmic pull to pour myself a drink with 36 grams of sugar and sit in the sun all day, and honestly, I’m done fighting that urge. I’ll see you in the morning when I wake up with the worst hangover of all time.”

At press time, Lamon was seen futilely trying to start a funeral procession of golf carts.