LOS ANGELES — The Motion Picture Association of America announced they would not grant the upcoming Willy Wonka prequel a PG rating if a scene featuring the titular character masturbating while being strangled by a Nerds Rope was not omitted from the movie, according to disappointed perverts.
“We gave ‘Wonka’s’ producers an option that we thought was more than reasonable,” said MPAA public relations VP Gayle Hoyle. “They could keep the scene and get an NC-17 rating, or edit it out and get a box-office friendly PG. I can’t imagine why they ever thought a scene showing their star engaging in a dangerous masturbatory practice was appropriate for a film about a magical candy maker. It’s a very graphic sequence that shows full frontal nudity and has Oompa Loompas lining up to clean the comically large amount of ejaculation. That being said, I did take a screener DVD home and will be revisiting the scene in question on occasion.”
As would be expected, the creatives behind “Wonka’ were not pleased with the MPAA’s interference.
“They’ve eviscerated my baby,” said Scott Jankowski, the film’s incensed screenwriter. “After countless rewrites and studio notes, those philistines excised the final shred of true art from the film. I was understanding when they got rid of the chocolate fountain orgy. Then they cut the Oompa Loompa cruising montage—which was a stirring homage to ‘Midnight Cowboy,’ by the way. Fine, okay, I get it. But the scene of Chalamet choking himself out with Nerds Rope in a state of onanistic rapture was absolutely integral to the development of his character. And yes, we needed to see full cock and balls to show Wonka’s struggle as an entrepreneur. They’re going to have to do extensive reshoots to maintain any narrative sense now.”
The MPAA has a long history of requiring edits in order for a film to get a mainstream rating, according to Shane Shapiro, a contributor to film site spoiledpotatoes.com.
“Consider 1993’s ‘Beethoven’s 2nd.’ That film originally contained a sequence where Beethoven got into some lobster bisque and sprayed diarrhea all over Charles Grodin. This was deemed ill-suited for a children’s film by the powers that be,” said Shapiro. “Also, there were several shots in ‘Shrek’ where you could clearly see Shrek’s sack peaking out beneath his tunic. And before it was cut down, Macaulay Culkin’s bee-sting scene from ‘My Girl’ was over six minutes long, gruesomely depicting his prolonged, agonizing death.”
As of press time, the MPAA demonstrated some leniency by greenlighting “Dune: Part Two’s” controversial scene of graphic Shai-Hulud intercourse, which fans of the novel claim serves virtually no narrative purpose.