Girl, He’s Clearly a Dracula, Dump Him!

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

Girl, you know I want to see you happy. You deserve it. You deserve gold-plated diamonds, dogs made out of money, and that promotion you’ve been talking about. We’ve been best friends since kindergarten, and even then, you had the worst taste in men. But this guy is wrong for you. As your friend, I just need to say: girl, your boyfriend is clearly a Dracula. Dump him already!

Seriously, girl. Have you even seen that man of yours? His fangs are like a mile long! That dusty-ass black cloak he’s always wearing hasn’t been laundered in a century, I promise you that. And his weird claw-nails are always gross as hell, especially when they are framed in shadow against a staircase as though he is prey on not just bodies, but souls. Never date a man who has worse nails than you, girl.

Pardon me, but that deserves a round of finger-snaps.

Remember when he got mad at that waiter at Olive Garden who didn’t bring him four olives in that disgusting dirty martini he always orders, so he bitched him out and asked for the manager and then drank his blood because he wouldn’t give us a discount? Then he howled so loud that a pack of wolves surrounded the Olive Garden parking lot and he tried to say it wasn’t some big as fuck dogs, but “music of the night?” Not classy, girl. Not classy at all.

Yeah, I know he got us our appetizers comped because of that, but that doesn’t make it cool, girl. It just makes his Transylvanian butt cheap.

And what’s up with that giant-ass medal he wears all the time? What, did he win an award for most scrub-ass Dracula? It is straight-up peacocking that he always is strutting around with that, boasting that Vlad Tepes cried when he didn’t get invited to his birthday party, acting like that Van Helsing guy didn’t beat his ass when he caught him sleeping in his filthy crypt.

Girl, I do not know how you were able to get it on in a coffin with that Dracula loser.

You know what? I heard that Wolfman is single. Let me introduce you! He’s a beast, girl!

Defending Pop Punk: This Lawyer Has Gotten Six Bands Acquitted of All Charges

Posted on by Zach Hudson

You won’t see him spinning a guitar on stage, he hasn’t been featured on a single album, and he’s not sliding into your DM’s at 1:00 AM after his band plays in your city, but lawyer Robert Corelli is a true unsung hero of the pop punk community.

In just the last three years, Corelli has gotten six of the biggest names in pop punk acquitted of all charges, allowing these bands to continue to tour, record new music, and blow up your Snapchat.

Corelli has a personal connection to the scene, having played in multiple pop punk bands before eventually realizing he could make more money and work less hard by taking a job at his dad’s law firm. But his commitment to the scene is unwavering. His catchphrase “though you swear the allegations are true I still pick my clients over you” speaks for itself.

If you’ve seen Sidewalk at an all-ages venue after 2020, you have Corelli to thank. Homeschool Dropouts’ new album that’s set to drop early next year wouldn’t be happening without Corelli. Not only did Corelli get the singer from Penalty Box off on all charges, but he also counter-sued all four women and won! Clearly the word “lose” isn’t in this legal powerhouse’s vocabulary.

It’s no wonder that just about every band in the scene has or wants Corelli on retainer; and with a reputation like his, that certainly doesn’t come cheap. But Corelli’s deep love and respect for the pop-punk scene has never allowed him to leave a band high and dry just because they can’t foot the bill. Corelli’s free legal clinic for smaller bands “She Said She Was 18, Now What?” is offered virtually every six months. Wow, what a guy!

Corelli was unavailable for an interview due to the ongoing court case against Homecoming Romance guitarist Nick Noman, but fear not, because based on this lawyer’s track record the band will be back on the road again in no time.

Due to a growing demand for his services, Corelli has recently announced he is starting his own law firm and is actively recruiting and hiring attorneys with experience in defending musicians. If anyone deserves to wear a “Defend Pop Punk” shirt, it’s this guy.

Weed Snob Fills Bong with Evian

Posted on by Goodrich Gevaart

LOS ANGELES — Software Developer and self-described “weed snob” Aiden Crispin exclusively fills his bong with chilled Evian, sources rolling their admittedly red eyes confirm.

“I see no problem with doing whatever it takes to get a clean, flavorful high,” said Crispin while meticulously grinding his nugs with a mortar and pestle. “L.A. County water just doesn’t have the right TDS–that’s total dissolved solids–for peak profile top notes. See, when the cloud goes through the bong, it kisses that water with a high heat, and it comes up through the chamber better than when it went down. I’ve tried just about every kind of water you can buy. Blind taste test. And Evian just has the right mineral content to make the weed taste better and get you higher than other competitors. No question.”

Not everyone who knows Crispin is impressed with his level of detail while consuming marijuana.

“Aiden can be really annoying about how he gets high,” said Mike Fernandez, a friend who plays Magic the Gathering weekly at Crispin’s Silverlake bungalo. “One time I was filling a bong in the sink and he slapped it out of my hands so hard it shattered on the floor. He said he’d rather break the piece than tarnish it with bad water. Thing is, he has the best weed I’ve ever smoked. So I put up with his dumb house rules.”

Experts in the legal cannabis industry say that in the last few years, the scrutiny consumers put on both the product and methods of consumption has wildly increased.

“I think it’s a combination of too much money and too much time on their hands,” said Gabby Hanson, budtender at Santa Monica dispensary Among the Clouds. “It’s always tech bros who come in and ask about the terroir’s mineral levels or the name of the person who cut the crop in production or the chemical breakdown of the terpenes and shit. Seven years ago you had to wait around in a Ralph’s parking lot for a dealer named Loco to sell you dirt weed. It’s crazy how fast people have taken all the fun out of getting high.”

At press time, friends say Crispin was blowing up a group chat about a bag of cocaine he scored that was processed with 93 octane gasoline.

Straight Edge Cop Torn on Whether to Plant Drugs on Suspect

Posted on by Antonio Cruise

TARZANA, Calif. – Straight Edge LAPD Officer Donald Harvey could not decide whether to plant narcotics on a man from Reseda after an altercation Friday evening, witnesses in the neighborhood, many of who have recently woken up in pain and covered in illicit drugs, confirmed.

“I pulled a suspect over from driving erratically with a Biden sticker on his window, and right away he starts mouthing off about his rights on account of us having our guns drawn. My partner put him in a choke hold and the little baby passed out almost immediately. He scratched my arm pretty good, which is technically assault,” explained Officer Harvey. “At that point my partner tells me to hurry up and shove some crack in the guy’s ass. I reminded him I’m straight edge. He knows I’m morally opposed to mind-altering substances like that, but if we could bust this perp for drugs it would really simplify our paperwork later. This is a real brain bender.”

Harvey’s partner, Officer Jerry Washburn, insisted his partner needed to lighten up.

“I get that it’s important for him to live a certain lifestyle, but it’s just getting too much. And it’s not like every person we pull over gets beaten and has drugs shoved up their rectum,” added Washburn. “A couple of weeks ago we were at a bachelor party in Vegas and he refused to lick tequila off of the stripper’s tits. It was embarrassing. I think he may be the only officer in the precinct to not have fucked a prostitute in the squad car too. It would just make everyone a little more comfortable if he wasn’t such a pussy.”

Local straight edge patriarch Bill Hutchins noted that the key to keeping edge was to focus on what you put in your own body.

“Theoretically speaking, it’s technically not an edge break to forcefully insert drugs into someone else. Being straight edge is all about maintaining a pure body for yourself, and ultimately what other people do, or what they have done to them, is irrelevant,” stated Hutchins. “Now, if the person he’s planting drugs in is also straight edge, that is a different situation altogether. If this is a straight edge on straight edge assault then the officer might be culpable. So he needs to look for Earth Crisis tattoos, or the Minor Threat ‘Out of Step’ tattoo before doing anything crazy.”

At press time, Officers Harvey and Washburn were seen hazing a rookie cop for refusing to pull over a black kid on a bicycle because he “wasn’t doing anything wrong.”

Opinion: Just Because I’m Straight Edge Doesn’t Mean I Can’t Start a Bar Fight

Posted on by Sara Mellas

I don’t drink and I don’t do drugs. Never have, never will. People seem to have a hard time with that concept. They either get nosy and ask what I used to be addicted to or they congratulate me for “staying sober.” When I clarify that I’ve never had a problem, people usually take that as a green light to nudge me to have “just one drink” or “fun.”

When I tell people I’m straight edge, they think I’m being condescending or judgmental. Also, I don’t think Gen Z even knows what straight edge means. Then again, who knows what straight edge means these days? So, on nights like tonight when I don’t feel like fielding questions, I just keep drinking my seltzer with lime, letting everyone assume it’s a vodka tonic. Patiently waiting for the perfect moment to incite mayhem.

See, just because I’m straight edge doesn’t mean I won’t start, and end, this bar fight.

I paid a cover charge to get into this bar and the band is not playing my $12 worth so it’s time for some real entertainment. I don’t need drugs and alcohol to have fun. And I definitely don’t need them to start a bar fight.

From the moment it starts it’s so exciting! Fighting drunk strangers gives me a thrill like no other. I’d do anything to keep experiencing it regardless of the cost to my personal life and the safety of those around me. You might say I’m addicted to fighting. You might. Not me.

That said, it’s almost 11:30 and things are starting to get a little too rowdy for my enjoyment. I better head out and walk to my car, which is exactly where I remember parking it, and safely drive home. What a fun night! I can’t wait to get to work early tomorrow feeling rested and hydrated. Cheers!

Report: Scariest Looking Dude A Straight Edge Vegan Pacifist

Posted on by Jay Wells L'Ecuyer

PROVIDENCE, R.I. — Initial intimidation of the 6’ 7 muscly, bearded, heavily tattooed man with his arms crossed was subsequently squashed as word spread of his veganism, pacifism, and straight edge lifestyle, report guests of New England’s most recent hardcore fest, “Cause-core”.

“His looming presence was really freaking everyone out. Like a big dead tree that you’re sure the headless horseman is gonna burst out of,” said fellow festival attendee Blayne Lavoy. “When I saw the Xs on his hands, and that the only thing he could eat out of the vending machine was Oreos, I was still a little scared cus straight edge vegans are actually known to get violent as fuck. When he calmly led a fly to an open window and politely asked it to leave, I knew I was safe.”

Surprised that anyone felt confident enough to approach him, “scary dude” Matt Rennick reported being very aware of his effect on people.

“Since puberty I’ve definitely noticed people’s frightful looks when I enter a room. Getting into heavier music and tattoos didn’t help the cause, so I spent years giving everyone kind-eyed ‘smizes’ to prove I’m a decent guy, but that just made my face hurt,” said Rennick. “I’ve been straight edge and vegan for twenty years, but after countless small dudes came at me for nothing more than the ‘fought a huge dude’ story, I recently found passive methods of conflict resolution. The only thing I’m brutalizing lately is that medicine ball at Crossfit.”

Scene elder Richie Vasquez explained the positive effect Rennick’s stature has on these local shows.

“We started letting him in for free since he saves most shows from needing an extra bouncer. He’s actually bigger and scarier looking than most bouncers, and although he wouldn’t actually lay hands on anyone, just by standing there, existing, he keeps these little shits from “crowd-killing,” said Vasquez. “I’ve seen this many times in my day. Sure, his ancestors may have pillaged some villages, but luckily for all of us, this sober guy just likes his riffs crunchy, his celery crunchier, and his demeanor as calm as a lake at dawn.”

At press time, the bar and non-vegan food vendors miss out on thousands of dollars in sales as Rennick gives disapproving looks to attendees in their lines.

QUIZ: Did You Actually Like ‘Hey Arnold!’ Or Were You Just A Weird Kid Into Smooth Jazz?

Posted on by Jus Kaplan

“Move it, football head!” For some, this iconic line immediately evokes memories of the classic Nickelodeon cartoon ‘Hey Arnold!’–starring a far-out New York pre-teen named Arnold with, well, a football-shaped head. The show followed the cool-as-a-cucumber protagonist and his equally hip best friend Gerald as they explored coming of age in the city that never sleeps, often finding themselves in silly shenanigans and mischievous mishaps that a typical kid could laugh and relate to.

If you were a weird kid who just happened to really like Jazz at the age of eight, the show probably tickled you for different reasons, like its bevy of bass lines and horn ensembles. This quiz will help you figure out if you were actually a fan of the show or just a future ponytail-sporting, jazz-loving weirdo.

Question 1: Who was your favorite character from Hey Arnold!

A. Arnold or Gerald
B. Any other kid from P.S. 118
C. Arnold’s Grandparents Gertie and Phil
D. Dino Spumoni

Question 2: What was your favorite memorable moment from Hey Arnold!

A. When Helga kisses Arnold at their school play
B. When Arnold and Gerald play hookey from school and end up missing a super fun Carnival Day
C. That super depressing yet philosophical speech from the Pigeon Man
D. The scene in the first episode where Arnold and Gerald toss out their fruit costumes and come out dressed in fresh digs from Roscoe’s Funky Rags Emporium

Question 3: How would you describe the theme song from Hey Arnold!

A. I don’t really remember the theme song, I watched the show for the plot and characters
B. It was fun! I liked it as a kid.
C. Dreamy, burnin’, delicious. The type of licks that would make you flip your lid, daddy-O.
D. In a key of C♯/D♭and a major mode with a tempo of 43 BPM.

 

 

 

 

Key:

Mostly A or B: You were a regular kid who enjoyed the silly hijinks and life lessons of Hey Arnold!

Mostly C: You were a precocious-yet-misunderstood hepcat who all your friends found slightly arrogant, but perhaps still respected.

All D: I hope the rest of your childhood was okay. If you’re not actively an alto sax player in a big band, I’m guessing you’ve at least dabbled with smack.

Live Nation Adds Fee For Looking at Tickets But Not Purchasing Them

Posted on by Zach Hudson

PHOENIX — Live music fans both locally and across the nation are expressing their concern over a new Live Nation policy that charges customers for looking at tickets, even if they decide not to purchase them.

“I’ve been on the fence about attending the Lemon Car show next week. I really want to go but money is tight right now,” said local connoisseur Katie Hogan. “I logged in to my Live Nation account to just check and see how much they were, and next thing I know, I have a $19.99 ‘browsing fee’ charged to my credit card. I disputed it thinking that it was an error, but nope, they’re really doing this now. Guess I’m definitely not going to the show now, even though I’m mentally battling the sunk-cost fallacy as we speak.”

Troy Scott, box office employee at local venue The Lincoln, reported some unsettling changes to his workplace environment since the policy was implemented

“Ever since Live Nation started doing this, they hired these guys to stand in the corner of the box office and make sure I’m charging people who come to the window and don’t buy tickets, even if it’s just a tourist asking where they can get coffee nearby,” said Scott. “It’s super uncomfortable, they just stand there with their arms crossed looking at me for hours. I’ve never even seen them blink. I hate it here. If you know of any places hiring, please let me know.”

Live Nation Vice President of Sales John Brooker fired back at fans voicing their complaints.

“If you can’t afford to look at tickets, you can’t afford to go to the show,” said Brookern while smoking a comically oversized cigar. “If you don’t like it, go see a show at a different venue. Oh that’s right, you can’t, we own all the venues in your city. Go ahead and cry about it, go ahead and boycott us. I’ll add a $75 ‘Indignation fee’ for every time one of you little worms complains. You and I both know we’ll see you at a Live Nation-owned venue in a month.”

At press time, sources reported that the Live Nation Board of Directors criticized the policy, saying that it didn’t go far enough, and that a fee of $19.99 was “letting these little piggies off easy.”

Easy Recipes You Can Make in 15 Minutes, Assuming You’re Not Depressed

Posted on by Mimi Kenny

Think you don’t have enough time to make dinner at home? Think again! These healthy and delicious recipes can be made in just 15 minutes, just so long as you’re not perennially struggling with depression and its most prevalent symptoms.

You can do this. You’re not going to, but you can.

Shrimp Tacos
Slice a few chilis, cook a few shrimp, and squeeze a little lime for an instant flavor journey south of the border and under the sea! However, it may take longer if your counter space is cluttered with takeout boxes and clothes intended for donation.

Chia Seed Smoothies
A good breakfast lends itself to a good day. And this one can do wonders for your heart. The hardest part? Plugging in the blender. Plus then you have to clean a blender, so fuck it.

This is even more difficult if finding and purchasing the chia seeds was your most significant accomplishment in the past three months. Either way, you’re never going to get through the whole package.

Cranberry Almond Spinach Salad
“Raw” doesn’t have to mean “boring.” This light and tasty salad can be prepared in a matter of minutes. Granted, “minutes” might turn into “hours” if the mere thought of opening the fridge fills you with insurmountable dread.

Lentil Soup
Nothing satisfies quite like a warm bowl of soup. And it’s even better when you make it yourself. Keep in mind you’ll need to dice an onion, a task, which, depending on your mental health, might as well be crawling naked on broken glass. Alternatively, you could just cut the onion until your eyes have watered enough to simulate actual crying.

California Pizza Kitchen Organic Chicken Pesto Pizza
We get it; sometimes, things are really hard. While this, like many other frozen meals, is high in sodium. It’s balanced out some by other nutritional elements. And you just need to preheat your oven to 450 degrees and put it in for 10 minutes. We promise you’ll feel better once you do it. Maybe you can pair it with some San Pellegrino and pretend you’re on a Mediterranean adventure? It’s either that or trying to find any therapists in your network who are taking on new patients.

Man Falls in Love With Girl at More Affordable Rock Show

Posted on by Ben Friedman

SAN DIEGO — Aging millennial Tim Baxter announced that he fell in love with a girl at a much less expensive rock show after being spurned by exorbitant prices for the Blink-182 reunion tour, multiple friends confirmed.

“I’ve spent the better part of a decade longing to indulge in a nostalgic meet-cute situation like when I was younger, but I can’t go dropping half a mortgage payment to see Blink in this economy. So I just paid $25 to see two no-name bands at a club downtown and I’m pretty sure I just met my next wife, suck on that, gougers,” said Baxter. “I mean, she’s the whole package and we have so much in common, like our nearly identical skateboarding scars or how our knees crack every time we kneel to pick something up.”

Baxter’s friends have long accepted his frugality, but were still shocked that he’s not willing to splurge for once in his life.

“Tim pulls these stunts all the time. This is just like the time we all wanted to go to Vegas for my bachelor party, and he was busting our balls about going to Reno instead. We keep telling him Blink is worth it: Tom is back, Mark beat cancer, and there will definitely be MILFs with faded Warped Tour tattoos. And this idiot turns around and says he met someone at a dive bar seeing shit band called Neutral Milk Hotel California. Fucking weird, dude,” said longtime friend Kurt Shelton. “I mean, I’m happy he still found someone and spent under three figures on the whole night, but he needs to live a little.”

Venue bookers around the country are looking to capitalize on show-goers like Baxter, citing a need for reliving the glory days on a budget.

“I’ve no doubt that every show in Blink-182’s tour will sell out, and good for those who want to burn through that kind of dough. But for the rest of us living in the real world, people want to get their kicks without having to sell a vital organ on the black market. I follow the reunion tour circuit and snag gigs and bands for fans with a more constricted budget. And baby, business is booming,” said local promoter Casey Williams. “For every Blink and Misfits show, I’ve got A Day to Remember and Blood on the Dance Floor on the lineup down the street. And hey, if romance blooms in the pit, even better.”

As of press time, Baxter’s new romance had already fizzled out, and he is currently trying his luck at the pop punk karaoke night a few blocks from his house.

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