BRATTLEBORO, Vt. – Local authorities are still trying to identify a body that washed up on the banks of the Connecticut River last week but ran into a roadblock when they realized the victim’s tattoos are too generic to pinpoint, stumped sources confirmed.
“It’s not uncommon to use tattoos as a form of identification in situations like this,” explained Nathan Fisher, a local coroner. “Usually, I’m looking at some sort of bespoke work. Or at least something that makes sense, like an anchor on a sailor. But god, this guy just has a nonsensical mashup of nautical stars, skulls, roses, clocks, and compasses. I’ve tried to reverse image search them, but they’re nearly identical to tattoos on thousands of different people. It’s like he had the entirety of Pinterest permanently inked on his body. I’ve got nothing! My only hope is that this guy’s name was actually John Doe.”
Cedric Yoder, a local tattoo artist, has turned up one of the only tips thus far.
“Yeah, I’m pretty sure I did those bad boys! He’d come in a lot, I think. He looked kinda like a guy in a photo that comes in a picture frame. He’d always have a printout of an Instagram post, telling me to copy it exactly,” said Yoder, while taking a fat rip off his vape cartridge. “Then he’d go on to tell me what the tattoo means to him. I’d just nod along as he’d explain how someone else’s rose was about his dead grandmother or whatever. But hey, at least I always remembered not to tattoo the like and comment icons.”
Makayla Shepard, an archeologist at the University of Cambridge, worries about this trend.
“Tattoos can be used as a form of identification, sure, but more importantly, they have a very rich history and mountains of cultural significance. I’ve learned so much about past civilizations digging into the meaning behind this imagery and how it’s connected to their heritage,” said Shepard. “But goddamn, future archeologists are fucked. They’re going to have to, like, trace all the black-and-gray photorealistic bullshit back to a blog post called ’30 OF THE BEST CLOCK TATTOOS FOR MEN IN 2022′ and then weep at the lack of any substance. God, I’m a dying breed.”
At press time, a second body with the exact same tattoos was found one town over leading authorities to believe a serial killer might be targeting anyone from the hardcore scene in 2012.
