Your Self-worth Shouldn’t Come From a Career, It Should Come From Social Media

Posted on by Bobby Korec

Are you one of those people who derive their internal sense of worth and belonging from a career? That’s no way to go through life! You’ve been chasing that dragon for so long that you think it’s the only way to feel accomplishment. Well, put down that briefcase and pick up your phone because all of your self-esteem should be coming from social media apps.

The more you’re on social media, the more worth you’ll accrue over time. That’s why my day consists entirely of switching between social apps, hunting for more of that sweet self-worth. And it’s totally working. As soon as I reach 10,000 likes on my latest Instagram Reel I’m going to feel absolutely incredible. It’s been 12 hours since I posted it and only need 9,987 more to go.

I just feel bad for people who haven’t seen the light yet. For example, I have a friend who works as a nurse by day and helps out at a soup kitchen for free on the weekends. But she doesn’t even have Twitter. How is she supposed to get those precious dopamine hits if no one can retweet or fave her posts? Such a shame.

Then another one of my other pals started a non-profit where he arranges shelter for homeless people. Sucker. That’s not where self-worth comes from. It comes from upping your follower count on TikTok from 37 to 38 in only a matter of months.

There are also incredible downsides to getting any inch of self-worth from a career. Like, what if you get a promotion or a raise? You could easily fall into the “worth trap” and constantly seek more and more approval at work. That never happens online.

Not to mention, you can’t get that ultimate esteem-boosting blue checkmark if you live your life through the scope of a career. The only thing worse than getting self-worth from your job is getting it through family and friends. That’s why I steer clear of them.

Aging Punk Slaps Another Band Sticker on Sleep Apnea Machine

Posted on by Chris Bowen

PENFIELD, N.Y. — 46-year-old punk veteran Samuel “Murder One” Castor decided to further deck out his CPAP sleep apnea machine with the addition of another sick band sticker, several spikey-haired sources report.

“At my age, I think it’s pretty goddamn punk to get a full night’s sleep,” Castor said while watering his collection of succulents. “I’ve put on a little weight since drumming full time with my band Roadkill Ritual years ago, and my sleep apnea hinders my ability to rest soundly. But, you can still be focused on your health and well-being and remain a cool, counter-cultural badass. In fact, the new G.B.H. sticker I threw on my machine was actually being sold by the band to punks my age for this exact purpose.”

Castor’s wife Jessica talks about the couple’s sleep quality since the CPAP machine came into their lives.

“Sam’s snoring has actually gotten worse with that fucking thing,” Mrs. Castor angrily stated. “Not only is it loud and sounds like he’s in an iron lung all night, but it also weighs like 40 fucking pounds with all those stickers on it. He doesn’t clean it either. He’s always waking up coughing in the middle of the night from breathing in cobwebs and shit. Sooner or later, he will have to sleep in the basement or something.”

Dr. David Roth, a somnologist at Strong Memorial Hospital, discusses his experience with punks getting up there in age.

“It is pretty typical for individuals who live the ‘punk rock’ lifestyle for so long to develop sleep issues,” Dr. Roth explained. “All those years of breathing in smelly venue air, poor diets consisting mainly of White Castle and PBR, and sleeping basically wherever you pass out really take a toll on the body. So if it makes them feel better to put an Adverts sticker on their medical equipment, so be it.”

Several sources reported that Samuel Castor was recently seen applying cone studs to his newly acquired knee brace.

Band Retroactively Refers to Gig they Failed to Promote as “Secret Show”

Posted on by Collin Canning

OAKLAND, Calif. — Local punk band Glow Schtick bragged about the “secret show” they performed this past weekend, despite only calling it a secret after realizing they forget to tell people about it, skeptical sources report.

“Secret shows are kind of a hard concept for a lot of people around here to grasp. You might say we’re really ahead of the curve,” said Glow Schtick singer Brian Lance while reviewing iPhone footage of the night. “It might look as though we just spaced on flyers, social media posts, and even basic word of mouth, but this is intentional and carefully planned. If we advertised this thing then we would have most likely had to upgrade to a bigger venue, maybe even a stadium, and that’s just not punk. Gotta keep up that air of exclusivity, after all.”

Despite having booked the gig months in advance, the band says promoting it would have robbed them of the buzz from disappointed fans after realizing they missed out.

“I had no idea this show was happening, and I come to this bar constantly,” said Reggie Erb, barfly and man unaware of Glow Schtick’s existence. “Now that I know I missed a secret show, I feel like a real chump. You’d figure there’d be some sort of hint there it was coming but I gotta give these guys props, they didn’t tell a soul! I’ll be picking up their album as soon as I figure out just who the hell they were.”

Staff of Crunchy’s, the bar that hosted the show, reported lackluster attendance on the night of the event.

“Right away I noticed this place was gonna be dead all night,” said bar manager Ryan Lynne while filling the communal party mix bowl by the cash register. “I thought at first we were dealing with some avant garde act that was gonna draw a couple artsy weirdos but nope, just four on the floor, shitty punk music, and an absolutely empty bar. All we brought in that night were the six drink tickets we gave these assholes. We’re definitely going back to karaoke next week.”

At press time, Glow Schtick had just posted to their socials to “be excited” for an upcoming track they have yet to even write.

5 Habits That Make Billionaires Successful, Though Admittedly, “Having Billions of Dollars,” Is Doing a Lot of the Heavy Lifting

Posted on by Dan Rice

Billionaires; they are our superiors and our betters. Their lives are literally worth more than our lives, and they make decisions that affect our day to day with as much care as you put into deciding which undershirt to wear. But what, besides an elite team of personal trainers, doctors, and servants their wealth allows them to maintain, makes them tick?

We’ve done the research and identified 5 behaviors these gods amongst mortals have in common that could contribute to their wild success, but to be honest, they all just sort of circle back to having billions of fucking dollars.

They vacation a lot.
Avoiding burnout is crucial to being your most efficient self. The average billionaire vacations once every Wednesday-Monday and for the entire spring, avoiding the hordes of “filthy normals” who take holiday during the summer months. This allows them to rejuvenate fully and perform at their best. Not really something you can apply to your life though. Hmm, okay, let’s move on.

They wear the same thing every day.
Decisions are exhausting. That’s why billionaires avoid them like the plague. A lot of them just pick one trademark look and stick to it, some of them notoriously even wearing the exact same outfit for nearly all occasions. Then again, they’re doing that with billions of dollars behind them. If you did it, everyone would probably think you were fucking weird.

They read.
Warren Buffet used to read 600 pages a day. Many billionaires starring down the barrel of a day with no real tasks to accomplish turn to books to pass the time. And hey, you love to read! Nothing is standing in your way when it comes to reading like a billionaire. Except for your job. And your side gig. And your obligations to the people in your life. Plus the brain fog that rolls over you as a result of those things and makes you sleepy 10 minutes into tackling anything more complex than a Stephen King audiobook.

They take a shit.
This doesn’t seem impressive or noteworthy, and it isn’t, but at this point in the list I just sort of figured you could use a win. You’ve taken a shit before, right? Congratulations, you are exactly like a billionaire.

They get plenty of rest.
On a pile of money. Every week at the grocery store you walk past the bread you like because it’s too expensive and the other bread is cheaper and they sleep on money. It’s not even comfortable, it’s just to spite you.

I Don’t Know Who Needs To Hear This but You Are Brave, You Are Loved, and This Is a Robbery

Posted on by Dan Rice

People of this bank listen up, ’cause I got something to say. The state of the world is chaotic right now. We’re all facing a lot of stressors, and it’s creating a mental health crisis. In times like these, it’s easy to let the negative thoughts win. Well, I’m here to tell you, fuck that noise. I don’t know who needs to hear this right now but I want you to know that you are brave, you are loved, and this is a fucking robbery.

I wanna see each and every one of your beautiful, luminous faces kissing the fucking dirt, now. I said now!

Perfect, I knew you guys could do it. Because you can do anything.

I’ll say it again, you can do anything. Take my friend Mr. bank teller over here. He could press that button under the counter and trip the silent alarm if he wanted to, but he won’t. Instead, he’s gonna open up those drawers, put the cash in the bag and then get down on the fucking ground with the rest of you kings and queens. Why? Because he wants to go home and see his family tonight. Because he is loved. And that’s beautiful.

I want you to know that we all get scared sometimes. Maybe you get scared before an important meeting. Maybe you get scared before a date. Maybe you’re scared because I’ve got enough rounds in this clip to blow a hole in each and every one of your beautiful faces so big your mom won’t be able to identify you. Guess what? Admitting that you’re afraid doesn’t make you weak! It makes you strong.

I’m seeing a lot of strength in this room right now.

We all know what failure feels like. We all know what it’s like to have things taken from us. We all know I’m taking those wallets, phones, and any jewelry, just throw that shit in this bag. Do you know what I can’t take? Your pride. Your self-worth. Your inner light. All the shit that makes you you.

I’m tired of all the negativity. I don’t want to see anybody being hard on themselves. I don’t wanna hear anyone talking down to themselves. I don’t wanna see anyone try to be a hero and do something stupid because I swear to fuck I will end you, and I don’t want to do that because you’re awesome.

I’m gonna go continue my journey now, but before I do, I wanna hear you all say “I am strong, I am capable, and I am deserving of love.” I want you to repeat that 100 times before you even think about getting up. Because if the sirens start blaring while I’m in earshot, I might just have to hit this here remote detonator and ruin everybody’s day. Namaste.

Wait for Uber After Festival Lasts Longer Than Festival

Posted on by Charlie Carey

CHICAGO — Local Pandemonium Fest attendee Sam Garcia waited longer for an Uber to pick them up than it took the festival to begin, end, and break down most of the stages, impatient sources confirmed.

“I mean, I paid $250 and the drivers keep canceling. Sure all the roads are blocked off and there’s thousands of people also waiting for an Uber, but these companies should be able to figure out how to get me to my hotel,” Garcia said as they stood in the crowd at the only exit from the festival grounds. “I only live half a mile away. It would probably be quicker if I just walked to wherever the Uber was, so it can take me home. Looks like the closest one’s three miles away at this point.”

Rideshare driver Bert McClaine defended the long wait times.

“I drive for several different apps and noticed this meatball requesting and canceling different ones after seeing I was 15 minutes away. Whenever I actually make it over to the designated rideshare pickup spot seven blocks from the festival, no one is there and I’m forced to cancel after a few minutes,” McClaine explained. “Anyway, I would only be getting about $4 out of the $250 for the whole thing, the app takes the rest. It’s not really worth it at that point, I’ll just go pick up some drunks at the bar on the other side of town and hope they remember to leave a tip on the app several weeks later.”

Jamie Davis, another festival goer, didn’t seem to have any trouble getting home.

“I didn’t have any problems whatsoever. I rode the bus, it took half an hour. Weird that the bus was almost completely empty,” Davis said. “Although I did have to wait in a line at the festival for five hours just to get a beer. That was about eight bands’ worth of stage time I missed. But it was totally worth it to have something to hold while I watched the two sets I was able to go to.”

At press time, Garcia was seen still waiting for an Uber while screaming about how no one wants to work anymore.

Opinion: Everyone Else’s Shower Is Weird

Posted on by Allegra Ringo

Look, I don’t want to start a flame war or name names. But if you have a shower in your home, and you don’t live with me, your shower is weird. End of story. How do I know this? Because without exception, showering in other people’s homes has always been one of the most disorienting experiences of my life.

Let’s start with the basics. Why does everyone else’s shower require some weird trick to turn it on? How many PhDs do I need to make water come out of this faucet? It should obviously just be the kind where there are three knobs total and the middle one is to turn the shower on. This is also known as the normal kind of shower.

Plus, everyone else’s soaps and toiletries are in the wrong place! The CORRECT placement is to put the facewash on the northeast corner, shampoo and conditioner on the southwest corner, a wash rag AND a loofah which should be hanging from the rack thing that you suction cup onto the back wall. Do I really have to explain everything?

I’ve been in some showers that are so weird I’ve gotten confused and done my shower routine in the wrong order. There is nothing more devastating than forgetting whether or not you’ve already washed your face. Should you wash it again to be safe? Or just leave it and hope for the best. At this point the day is already shot so you may as well call into work and tell your boss that something horrible has happened because it has.

Personally, I prefer to have a normal shower. White tile, a sliding door (NOT a curtain), the regular number of toiletries, tub floor not too dirty but not too clean either. Normal showers also have a small spider in the upper left corner of the ceiling that watches over you and makes sure you’re showering right.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go shower like a regular person, which is more than I can say for any other person on this horrid planet.

Parents Force Punk to Wear Studded Cone to Keep From Licking Off Flea Treatment

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

PITTSBURGH — The parents of local punk Donny “Kebab” Babcock fitted their son with a special studded cone around his neck to prevent him from licking off his monthly flea treatment, amused sources confirmed.

“We figured if we put the medicine right under his rat tail and there would be no way he could get to it, but sure enough, he cranes his neck and flaps his tongue around, and licks the stuff off in two seconds,” said Babcock’s mother Carrie-Ann. “We finally found him a cone he will actually wear and it’s been a lifesaver. It does have its downsides, though. He doesn’t have good body awareness and the cone has knocked over a few lamps, and when he eats he gets food in the damn thing and I end up having to wash it off with the hose in our backyard.”

Babcock believes the cone is unnecessary and assured his parents that he will stop interfering with this parasite medicine.

“I can’t fucking figure out how the straps work that keep it secured and I look like an idiot. I tried looking in the mirror but I just ended up confused. And I tightened the thing to the point I can barely breathe. It’s nearly impossible to smoke a cigarette unless my mom loosens it again,” said the bug-infested punk. “I keep telling them that they could just start using flea medicine that doesn’t taste as good and I’d stop messing with it. But the Frontline that they use has the delicious taste of battery acid and burnt plastic that I love. If they made it peach-flavored or something then I wouldn’t go near it.”

Doctors who specialize in treating punks say cones are just one of the many methods parents can use to deter their dirty children from obstructing treatments.

“Cones are always a great option, but if your punk has a leg wound they might still be able to lick at it even with a cone on, your best bet is to cover the wound with a pair of tight jeans. Just make sure you have a clean gauze pad over the wound,” said Dr. Mitra Reddy. “Also, one solid option is giving them calming drugs. They fucking love taking drugs. Every punk I know will just consume whatever I give them without asking questions. Sedating a punk is extremely easy, since they always want to be as fucked up as possible.”

At press time, Babcock was rewarded for his good behavior with his favorite pack of cigarettes covered in peanut butter.

Review: Dead Cross “II”

Posted on by Bobby Korec

Supergroup Dead Cross is back with their second studio album “II” and nothing gives us more joy than criticizing other people’s creative work.

Ever wonder what you get when you mix hardcore punk and thrash with Mike Patton and members of the Locust, Slayer, and Retox? Well, wonder no longer because you get the wildly talented Dead Cross. Their latest album “II” totally rips too. This band may be incredible, but they’re not nearly as good as Mike Patton’s other supergroup called Buh-Bye.

Unfortunately, Buh-Bye was short-lived so not many people remember them. If you don’t recall, the band consisted of every member of 7 Seconds, Deftones, and *NSYNC at the same time. Sure, the music was otherwordly, but the choreographed stage moves during live performances were what really got me. Never knew I needed a collaboration between the Faith No More singer and Joey Fatone until this one.

As good as they were though, they were not nearly as exciting as Patton’s other side project called Manly Men. They were a little more mainstream than Buh-Bye and the band featured members of TSOL, Bauhaus, and the old guys from that “Macarena” song. I think we all remember Manly Men’s song “Pastel de Helado” which completely swept the nation that one summer. Great, now that incredibly catchy tune is going to be in my head for the rest of the week. Boy, Mike Patton really knows how to handpick the right talent for his musical projects.

But of course, none of these bands were as memorable as Pancake Batter. Remember them? They had members of Alice in Chains, New Order, and that Make-a-Wish kid who wanted to form a band with Mike Patton as his one wish. Legendary. As we all know, Mike can’t for the life of him turn down side project opportunities and non-profit foundations, so this one was a match made in heaven. Their song “Legomaniac” even charted on the Billboard Hot 100. Thankfully, little Joey Hubbard pulled through, so I’m hoping we get to hear a few more bops from this band in the near future.

All that said, Dead Cross is definitely in the top 50 Mike Patton side projects of all time. Just not sure where’d they officially rank among them. I guess we’ll just have to wait to hear his upcoming musical side project featuring members of his gastroenterologist team.

Score: 10 out of 10 Patton-fronted supergroups

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Band Tight on Cash Announce Album’s 11 Year Four Month and Three Week Anniversary Show

Posted on by Zach Raffio

CHICAGO — Beloved pop punk four-piece Soft Lozenge announced today a very special performance of their self-titled debut to celebrate its 11-year, four-month, and three-week anniversary, sources realizing they’re short on cash confirm.

“This album has meant so much to us, and celebrating like this is a dream come true. A dream coincidentally the week before rent’s due,” noted singer Mitch Herck, hastily writing the show date in sharpie on some plain white t-shirts. “The timing may seem a little unorthodox, but hey, we’ve always been a band that’s willing to go against the grain. We hope fans enjoy singing along with us as much as we’ll enjoy paying our cell phone and electric bills.”

Drummer Maxine Timmers suggested the show after seeing how much the record still means to fans, and after finding out you can only ask for an extension on your Invisalign payment three times before they threaten to take your retainers back.

“Chicago, I hope you’re ready to get fucked up. This is going to be the party of the year. And great news, we are accepting cash for our merch, but we also got one of those Square readers so now we can take cards. No checks though, this isn’t 2004,” she said, while pointing to a sign with a link to her Venmo and a QR code for tickets. “I can’t believe this little record of ours has hit the legendary 587-week mark. Thanks for being a part of it, and seriously, no checks.”

Longtime fan Debra Harrin bought her ticket immediately, but was confused by some of the details.

“I adore the album, but starting the show at 2:00 a.m. just because there’s free parking from 1-3:30 is a bit much,” noted Harrin, who also attended their six-year, eight-month, and four-day anniversary show when the bass player’s car needed work. “I heard the guitarist’s day job might be downsizing, so I hear they might start doing these anniversary shows once a week.”

At press time, Soft Lozenge was considering an emergency “remastered” re-release of the album they can’t afford to actually remaster.

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