Joshualevinson, Author at HARDTIMES

Turn Your Run-of-The-Mill Everyday Punk Band Into Horror Rock With These 5 Simple “Woahs”

Posted on October 23, 2022 by Chris Bowen

The woah is the very essence of horror rock. Some say it was first used by the king of horror rock Glen Danzig to invoke the sounds of a lonely specter haunting the halls of a long-forgotten gothic castle. Others say it was first used by Danzig simply because he couldn’t think of lyrics to parts of his songs. Either way, it’s spooky season, and with these very simple woahs, your generic-ass punk band will be a horror novelty act in no time.

Every punk musician knows that punk rock is all about “3 chords and a pissed-off attitude.” But this is horror rock, and “3 chords and some woahs” is the name of this ghoulish game. So swap that smug punk look off your face for a half-dead looking, black eyeliner stare and you’re on your way to capturing the perfect creepy aesthetic that would make even Grandpa Munster proud.

Punk is all about the passion behind the intensity of the music, as well as the lyrics to the songs. Bands like Dead Kennedys and Conflict come to mind. Horror rock, in a sense, is no different. Think of it as intensely played Freddie Cannon-sounding songs with passionately EC Comics-inspired lyrics. A horror rock band’s well-placed woahs can get you to think just as much as any Subhumans song.

Your songs are short. Two minutes tops. This is the perfect amount of time to cram in as many Vampira or Zacherle references into your horror rock band’s lyrics as you can. Really, even beyond the punk genre, the classic woah can turn any song into a kick-ass, frighteningly catchy horror-punk song. For example, throw in a lyric about some highschool sweetheart being bitten by a vampire, add woahs to the “doo do doo” parts, and that shitty “Semi-Charmed Kinda Life” song would be a spooktacular horror classic.

If you want to separate yourself from the pack and run with the ghouligans, you’re going to want to count your songs in with a good “woah, woah, woah, woah!” before firing on all cylinders. Sure, it might sound like you’re telling movers to be gentle with your prized Boris Karloff “Frankenstein” replica bust, but the boils and ghouls in the crowd will be chomping at the bit to get their own woah on once the music hits.

Last but not least, what every horror rock band needs are good, effective stage banter. Most punk bands ask the crowd, “How the fuck is everyone doing tonight?!” If you want to scary-it-up a bit, ask them, “Hello kiddies!! Is everyone having a rotten time?! Ahh hehehehehhehe!!” In your best Crypt Keeper voice. Or just simply yell, “woooooooaahhhhhhhhhhh!?!?!?!” at them and you’ll have them all in the palm of your cold, clammy hands.

One thing about the woah is certain, and that’s the fact that woahs in horror punk can never be overdone. In fact, you don’t even need catchy choruses or a rhyme scheme. Your entire album could just be woahs. Everything from the title, to the songs, to the lyrics to even the music itself. The key to a successful horror rock outfit is basically to “go with the woah.”

Construction Workers Thrilled When Local Dad Asks Them What They’re Building

Posted on October 23, 2022 by Allegra Ringo

UPLAND, Calif. — A team of construction workers was surprised and overjoyed when a local dad took interest in what they were building and proceeded to trap them in semi-hostage conversation for nearly an hour, sweaty sources confirmed.

“I couldn’t help but break out into a huge smile when Steve flagged us down,” Marty Gibbs, one of the workers on the site, said while still beaming. “What a great guy! He was so interested in the details of building a mixed-use property, and he had some great suggestions for how we could work more efficiently. He even cracked a few jokes, one of them was something about like, having time to clean and time to lean. You had to be there. Needless to say, I was more than happy to stop the work I was in the middle of and tell him about the project for 45 minutes.”

Bridget Feldman, Steve’s adult daughter, was with her dad and witnessed the whole event.

“It was a sight to behold,” she said. “The first guy called over another guy, and he called over another. Each worker was more excited than the last to tell my dad the specifics of this building or whatever, and the estimated date of completion. They completely forgot I was even there. Then my dad invited them to dinner at his house and they all cheered, took their construction hats off and left together. I had to call an Uber to get home.”

According to sociologist Samantha Moreno, this phenomenon is more common than people realize.

“This is what we call ‘folie à dad’ or ‘dad madness,’” said Moreno while shaking her head solemnly. “It’s a kind of shared agitation that sometimes occurs between fathers and the people they’re trying to corner in a given social situation. The recipient of the attention feels happy or special while being tirelessly interrogated. To many of us, this is unfathomable, but dads are operating on a level of weirdness that is not fully understood by science yet.”

At press time, Feldman was 90 minutes into telling a barista about how he used to work at a coffee shop and knows “a thing or two” about making espresso.

Review: Motörhead “Overkill”

Posted on October 23, 2022 by Colleen Nerney

Every Sunday we pick a classic album from our giant record collection and give it an honest review. This week we take a look at Motörhead’s second studio album “Overkill.”

When my editor posted the choices for reviews this week, I had to immediately jump at the chance to revisit “Overkill,” widely considered to be what cemented their place in metal history. And also because the title track has haunted me in my dreams, literally, since its release in 1979.

I am not exaggerating here. I woke up in a cold sweat from a dead, dreamless sleep at exactly 6:06 am on March 24th, 1979, with “Overkill” rattling around my skull at a truly ear-splitting volume. But Colleen, you may say, isn’t that the day that the album came out? Yes. Yes it is. How could I have possibly known how the song would sound without having heard it? I have no fucking idea. But god, what I wouldn’t give to forget that opening drum riff.

It is relentless. Every waking minute of every waking day. And look, I like Motörhead as much as the next old guy, but couldn’t my eternal curse have been something a little more palatable? It’s a good song, don’t get me wrong. But Jesus fucking Christ, dude, Lemmy’s voice gets old after a full album, not to mention 43 years of round-the-clock torment.

I would give literally anything to escape this. I’ve tried it all, too; Western medicine, Eastern medicine, listening to other music, getting a lobotomy. Well, I tried a lobotomy, but they drilled through the part of my brain that houses feelings of love, joy, and acceptance instead of the part that understands music. That was kind of a bummer. But I’m not done searching for a solution yet!

I actually am considering seeing an occult practitioner I found on the internet to cleanse my spirit. She said that for a down payment of $1299.99 she’d be able to fully banish whatever evil entity has attached itself to my aura in the form of early thrash, and that after a few sessions, my hearing might come back, too!

Did I mention I voluntarily deafened myself using a highly unregulated and very illegal surgery sometime around 1998? Obviously, this didn’t work. Bonus, though, I’ve never had to hear a single Taylor Swift song in my entire life.

Anyway, I’m off to go empty my bank account. This healer in Panama needs funds upfront to get her chakras aligned.

SCORE: 77/77 failed cures

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Man’s Financial Nest Egg Almost to Point of Filling Cupholder in Car’s Center Console

Posted on October 22, 2022 by Chris Bowen

SCRANTON, Pa. — Local penny pincher Richard Olmsted is on the up-and-up after noticing the cupholder in his Honda Civic that holds his financial savings is nearly full, several sources report.

“It’s pretty amazing that it only took me a few years to get this much saved up,” Olmsted said excitedly. “It’s even crazier considering how often I need to dip into it for some quarters to do laundry or for shopping carts at Aldi. I’m just so thankful for my days as a waiter when all the elderly folks would tip me in stacks of dimes and the occasional quarter. I really loved when they would do that, and even more so now that I almost maxed out my center console savings account!”

Olmsted’s roommate Justin Whitehead appeared to be a little jealous of his friend’s ability to maintain responsibility.

“I mean, I’m super proud of Rich,” Whitehead explained. “It’s really cool to see a friend own a car, let alone a car that doubles as a rolling piggy bank. It must be nice to not have to lug a 40-pound bucket of change to Coinstar every week just to make ends meet. I could save my quarters if I really wanted to, but I have a crippling arcade game addiction that prevents me from saving much of anything.”

Professional financial advisor Tameka Jones noted that younger generations typically have a hard time saving for their future.

“It’s no secret that things have been difficult since the pandemic,” Jones explained through a massive pile of papers on her desk. “With the recent coin shortages and massive income inequality, it’s been difficult for young people to save any money at all. Mr. Olmsted is very fortunate to maintain a cupholder’s worth of change for a nest egg, considering the average millennial can’t even fill an ashtray or empty cigarette box. Everyone should have at least a sock full of quarters saved up by the time they are 30, and unfortunately that’s not feasible for most millennials.”

At the time of press, Olmsted revealed his intentions to further invest in his future by starting a retirement account in the floor of his car’s backseat.

Oh, You’re Wearing a Carhartt Beanie? Name 3 Local Trade Unions

Posted on October 22, 2022 by Justin Kohn

Hey, there! That’s a pretty darn clean work hat you got on there. Nice to see some young fellas still getting into the trades. Where ya starting at? Electricians Local 98? That’s one of the strongest in the country, you know. No? Oh right, of course! I should know a fellow steamfitter when I see one. How’re the boys down at Local 316 doing?

Now hold your horses, are you even union? Don’t go telling me you’re some scab that the fancy developers hired. I’ll call the crew and get Scabby the Rat sitting outside your job site in no time. So if you know what’s good for you, you’ll start naming unions.

Wait a minute. Are you one of those frauds who steal blue collar valor? I bet you got that beanie at a flea market. If not, you better start naming local trade unions. You can’t just put on some Carhartt if you’re not gonna get down and dirty doing some real work followed by drinking away your paycheck and showing up to work the next day with a black eye. And if you’re wearing that hat without being one of us, you’ll be showing up with a black eye to your job, which I assume is being a social media manager.

Wow, you really had me fooled there for a minute. Those look like a hard workin’ fella’s jeans with all the rips and tears. Plus, those boots seem like they’ve been to hell and back. Can’t say I care much for that big ol’ yellow tag on the back of ‘em, though. Now, about that black eye…

Crowd Boos After Singer Doesn’t Sound as Depressed as She Did on Studio Album

Posted on October 22, 2022 by Neel Bhakta

ASHEVILLE, N.C. – Singer-songwriter Elaina Driver was booed last night after audience members were disappointed that she didn’t sound as sad and pathetic as she did on her studio album, deadpan sources confirmed.

“What kinda horseshit is this? I’m a huge fan of sad folk music that makes me wallow around and wear the same stained black shirt everyday. So, when Elaina announced a tour, I knew I was going to drop $75 to have an emotional breakdown in public,” said longtime fan Marisol Torres. “But then, when she came out on stage smiling, I have never felt so betrayed in my life. I don’t understand how someone can write harrowing lyrics about losing a loved one and then make jokes about ‘big chungus’ at a concert.”

After enduring the onslaught of sneers, the singer-songwriter expressed her confusion surrounding the situation.

“People pay money to see me, so I gotta make sure it’s entertaining. As much as I’d love to sit emotionless and run through my setlist without any banter, I don’t want to become the bane of every therapist’s existence,” said an exhausted Driver. “Look, I get that my songs hold a lot of emotional value to some people, but I’m in a much better place now. When I first wrote my debut album, I was sad, lonely, and depressed. And now, I’m still sad, lonely, and depressed, but at least I’m getting paid for it.”

Dr. Jon Bennes, a social psychologist and researcher at the University of North Carolina, gave his professional take on the behavior of the crowd.

“It’s a very interesting scenario. Fans are upset that Driver’s upbeat mood and heartbreaking lyrics aren’t in sync, which is a very jarring contradiction. It’s like those freaks that are overjoyed when it rains on a dull Monday at their dreadful office job,” said Dr. Bennes. “From my understanding, Driver released her debut album seven whole years ago. While one might think a person can cognitively develop, emotionally mature, and fundamentally change as a person during the span of seven years, it’s pretty uncommon.”.

At her next tour date, Driver reported feeling demoralized after being booed and delivered a gloomy performance, which subsequently garnered rave reviews.

8 Halloween Costumes That Will Make People Say “This Isn’t A Costume Party, Though”

Posted on October 22, 2022 by Max Barth

It’s that time of year again – Halloween! Are you ready to dress up like your favorite superhero, Supreme Court justice or depraved axe murderer? Remember, there’s no “I” in Halloween. It’s a holiday primarily about other people…tricking them, treating them, and above all attending their house party in costume whether they specifically asked you to avoid doing so or not. Without further ado, here are our favorite looks absolutely certain to get folks screaming and/or complaining that you didn’t read the big, bold “NO COSTUMES” bit on your invitation.

Dice Lord

This costume is guaranteed to get a reaction from jealous party goers. “Dice Lord,” they’ll say, “Hmm. I don’t think I know that one. Is it from a movie? I think you’re the only one here with a costume. Maybe you can leave the big dice in your car?” And then you can roll the big dice right in front of them on the front lawn and whoop and holler at the result. Plus, this dice fits through most front doors if angled properly.

Egg Eyes

Egg Eyes is a classic Halloween costume, for sure, but that doesn’t mean it’s played out. In fact, many of the rich and famous have donned the look for fêtes large and small. Elvis famously wore them to the White House in 1971. If you show up to a party rockin’ the Egg Eyes, be prepared for compliments, swooning and lots of “don’t bump into that. Where is he going? Was he even invited?”

Forgetful Person Allergic To Pumpkins

This costume is perfect for the intellectuals in your life. It’s a bit of a performance art piece, as well, so be sure to wear it to events where at least some are clever enough to “get it”. Picking the right pumpkin is important – make sure you select something you’re comfortable carrying around all night, as you’ll be so swamped with questions you’ll never have a moment to set it down safely. Keeping your mouth open is optional, but if you’re truly committed to the costume you do your best to keep it so. “But how will I explain the costume,” you may ask. Simple: you call ahead and inform the host of the bit. Ask to be put on speaker phone. They’ll likely respond with some close-minded nonsense like “this is the wrong number” or “it’s a small get together it’s not really a costume thing”. Pay it no heed. Party on, sister!

Skeleton Barista

Grande spookyccino please, hold the WORMS! Look out, this costume is NOT for the faint of heart. We recommend brewing the coffee right before you leave so that it is hot. That way, you can performatively spill it on yourself and then pretend the coffee melted your skin down to your bones and that’s why your bones are showing. We did this at a Halloween party last January 1st and were told later that guests were a.) intrigued b.) in awe and c.) seriously wondering why we thought it was a Halloween party in the first place. Pass the sugar!

Sexy Detritus

We’re on a seaweed diet. Yeah, when we see weed we smoke it and show up to your house ready to get into some chips and dip! This ensemble references both the ocean and the animal kingdom (cat eyes, anyone?), a combination sure to take any gathering to the next level. Step one: go to the craft store. Step two: ask where they throw out their trash. Step three: dumpster dive! However you look crawling out of the dumpster is your costume. Show up to the party and get ready for LOTS of pushback from folks who didn’t dare dress up AT ALL.

Phone Twins

Halloween may not be Valentine’s Day, but who says you can’t celebrate with your partner? Look out, folks, here come the Phone Twins! This minimalist look makes you and your loved one appear tech savvy AND holiday-friendly! The key is to walk around the party and ask people how many “minutes” they have left “on their plan”. We suspect this outfit has led to many a late night for party people everywhere, particularly family members who will positively lose it after hearing you and your partner corner them in the bathroom to talk about “bundling phone and television packages”. Ring ring! Who is that? It’s the phone twins!

Mime Thief

The brilliance of this getup lies in the prop frame, which when used properly lets the hosts of any shindig know that you are a force to be reckoned with. Simply position yourself near the punch bowl and freeze while holding the frame as depicted. Friends and family will barely recognize you, particularly when you retreat underneath someone’s bed until well after the party ends. Then you can pop out, yell “surprise!” and chase your excited host like a proper little goblin.

Drowned Companion

Another group costume idea from yours-truly, this “Drowned Companion” with accessory oxygen tank is a surefire way to outshine your competitors. Guests will complain that bringing the real dead body of a friend is “cheating” or “disrespectful to the human form” or “traumatizing for the children present” but rest assured, they’re just jealous. Remember – they can’t legally ask you to leave if you’re in the process of appearing to save someone’s life. It’s in the constitution. We’ve done this at multiple events and party hosts were left literally speechless!

Punk Birdwatcher Watching Birds You’ve Probably Never Even Heard Of

Posted on October 21, 2022 by Joe Rumrill

BROOKLINE, Mass. — Local birdwatcher Gregory Luddy is reportedly so punk rock in her birding that the birds she’s into watching are ones you’ve probably never even heard of, several eye-rolling sources confirmed.

“I can’t help it if the birds I’m into watching don’t conform to the mainstream narrative. If I’m gonna put binocular to eyeball, it’s going to be for a more underground variety of bird, maybe even something invasive that upends your view of what it is to be a bird. Sue me for wanting to support the local scene,” said Luddy. “Hey, it’s cool with me if you want to look at a sparrow or a nuthatch. I’m sure they’ll enjoy the Beatles records you’re surely streaming on Spotify with you.”

Members of Brookline Birders, the birding group of which Luddy is a member, say her pretentious attitude rubs certain people the wrong way.

“Gregory usually goes off by herself, saying she’s into watching birds we probably would be freaked out by, us being normies and all, but she’s usually close enough that we can hear her scoff at our finds,” said Brookline Birder founding member Harold Michaelson. “I don’t care what she says, every bird is valid to this group, and pigeons and ducklings are classics for a reason. Who cares if everyone knows them? Sometimes I actually think she is just making up birds to make us feel bad.”

A representative of the local Audubon Society Eileen Strutts said that while birding is theoretically an activity everyone can enjoy, Luddy is wearing out her welcome in the community.

“Usually when a young person shows enthusiasm for birding, we want to nurture that interest, and help sculpt the birders of tomorrow,” said Strutts. “But Gregory birds with a negative energy that I’m surprised the local wildlife doesn’t sense and steer clear from. I’ll say it: she scares me. Sometimes Gregory bursts in, bragging about how she was into sapsuckers and warblers before everyone else was looking at them, kicking down taxidermy and putting up her fists with violence in her eyes. Call me a square if you must, but the only murder we want to see here at the Audubon Society is a group of crows.”

At press time, Luddy’s birding notebook revealed that the “underground birds” she had been referring to were rats, insects and, in one case, a cactus.

We Commune With the Ghost of Brahms To Tell Him That the Many Masterpieces of His Life Are Now Shitty Hold Music for Doctors’ Offices

Posted on October 21, 2022 by Amanda Russel

Brahms. Our sweet summer child. We have resurrected you from the grave to inform you what has become of your music. And it is with no pleasure that we must tell you they are mostly heard through the crackling sound of an office telephone. See, it takes us so long to get a hold of the doctor nowadays, they play us music like yours to keep us entertained. We are so sorry.

But that’s not even the worst part. You see, unfortunately, we have grown to despise your life’s work and associate it with one of the most tedious and hateful activities of modern adult life. Surely you didn’t imagine the fate of “Hungarian Dance No. 5” would be the tense overture of waiting to learn how much insulin your insurance will cover. The frenzied notes make for a great rhythm to pace anxiously around the house.

We regret to inform you that another of your masterpieces, “Symphony No. 1,” has played while some poor fuck is waiting to hear that the doctor has not heard from the other doctor yet, and thus they have to call the first doctor again before they can schedule an appointment to be seen in five months.

“A German Requiem” makes for good background music to a long-haul session of waiting and doing absolutely nothing while being put on a brief hold. By the fourth movement, we think maybe the receptionist forgot about us. By the fifth, we’re almost positive no one is going to pick up the phone. If we can make it through all seven movements, we have to listen from the beginning again, and surely by now it should be our turn, right? How long can a ‘higher call volume than usual’ last, realistically?

“Violin Concerto,” which you wrote and dedicated for a dear friend, is meant to be heard in a concert hall with sublime acoustics but right now we are on the seventh repeat of this small segment of it while we are being transferred from appointments to billing. Each time we have to press a number in the phone tree, there is a loud BEEP and the segment starts all over again. While we would like to tell you that the segment leaves us wanting to hear the rest of the concerto, at this point it makes us want to throw our phone, and your music, through a window to never be seen again.

Long story short, we are deeply sorry and have nothing to offer you but our sincere condolences.

Punk Venue Livens up Lull Between Bands With Audience Kiss Cam

Posted on October 21, 2022 by Bobby Korec

SEATTLE — Local punk venue El Corazon unveiled a new kiss cam to entertain crowds during the long downtimes in between bands, sources who hoped they never get picked to be on it confirmed.

“Each smooch is displayed on our brand new 40-foot Jumbotron so even the motherfuckers in the back of the 50-person capacity venue can see,” said El Corazon owner Neil Drover. “These fans wait upwards of two hours while the next band sets up, so we decided to buy a stadium-grade camera specifically for zeroing in on audience members and forcing them to kiss each other without their prior consent. Sure, most people who get on the cam just end up pretending to look at their phone to avoid having to play along, but we make sure our camera operator stays locked on them for as long as it takes to get them to participate. We’ll even delay the next band if needed.”

Members of the audience weren’t quite sure what to make of the new between-band technology.

“I can’t believe I got chosen to be on the kiss cam while I was standing next to my little sister when they started filming,” said showgoer Craig Stonesthrow. “Honestly, I don’t know who in their right mind would want to watch total strangers kiss on a giant screen while ‘Whoomp! There It Is’ plays on the monitors. Nobody likes peer pressure. More importantly, no one likes public displays of affection. So cringe.”

Music historian Lois Charleston noticed a recent surge in venues’ attempts to energize their audiences.

“You wouldn’t believe the lengths owners go to so that their crowds have a memorable and interactive experience,” said Charleston. “We’re seeing a huge increase in venues investing in t-shirt guns to shoot merch into the audience. A few of them have even hired cheerleading squads to pump up the fans before the opening band. Some have even debuted their very own mascots. Look no further than the Madison Square Garden Gnome, who dances around and spouts gnome-based puns during the intermission of Billy Joel concerts. It’s almost like the show itself is no longer the main entertainment.”

At press time, El Corazon shut down the kiss cam after some miscreant disobeyed the rules by proposing to their girlfriend while on camera.