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Aging Punk Slaps Another Band Sticker on Sleep Apnea Machine

PENFIELD, N.Y. — 46-year-old punk veteran Samuel “Murder One” Castor decided to further deck out his CPAP sleep apnea machine with the addition of another sick band sticker, several spikey-haired sources report.

“At my age, I think it’s pretty goddamn punk to get a full night’s sleep,” Castor said while watering his collection of succulents. “I’ve put on a little weight since drumming full time with my band Roadkill Ritual years ago, and my sleep apnea hinders my ability to rest soundly. But, you can still be focused on your health and well-being and remain a cool, counter-cultural badass. In fact, the new G.B.H. sticker I threw on my machine was actually being sold by the band to punks my age for this exact purpose.”

Castor’s wife Jessica talks about the couple’s sleep quality since the CPAP machine came into their lives.

“Sam’s snoring has actually gotten worse with that fucking thing,” Mrs. Castor angrily stated. “Not only is it loud and sounds like he’s in an iron lung all night, but it also weighs like 40 fucking pounds with all those stickers on it. He doesn’t clean it either. He’s always waking up coughing in the middle of the night from breathing in cobwebs and shit. Sooner or later, he will have to sleep in the basement or something.”

Dr. David Roth, a somnologist at Strong Memorial Hospital, discusses his experience with punks getting up there in age.

“It is pretty typical for individuals who live the ‘punk rock’ lifestyle for so long to develop sleep issues,” Dr. Roth explained. “All those years of breathing in smelly venue air, poor diets consisting mainly of White Castle and PBR, and sleeping basically wherever you pass out really take a toll on the body. So if it makes them feel better to put an Adverts sticker on their medical equipment, so be it.”

Several sources reported that Samuel Castor was recently seen applying cone studs to his newly acquired knee brace.