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Opinion: Everyone Else’s Shower Is Weird

Look, I don’t want to start a flame war or name names. But if you have a shower in your home, and you don’t live with me, your shower is weird. End of story. How do I know this? Because without exception, showering in other people’s homes has always been one of the most disorienting experiences of my life.

Let’s start with the basics. Why does everyone else’s shower require some weird trick to turn it on? How many PhDs do I need to make water come out of this faucet? It should obviously just be the kind where there are three knobs total and the middle one is to turn the shower on. This is also known as the normal kind of shower.

Plus, everyone else’s soaps and toiletries are in the wrong place! The CORRECT placement is to put the facewash on the northeast corner, shampoo and conditioner on the southwest corner, a wash rag AND a loofah which should be hanging from the rack thing that you suction cup onto the back wall. Do I really have to explain everything?

I’ve been in some showers that are so weird I’ve gotten confused and done my shower routine in the wrong order. There is nothing more devastating than forgetting whether or not you’ve already washed your face. Should you wash it again to be safe? Or just leave it and hope for the best. At this point the day is already shot so you may as well call into work and tell your boss that something horrible has happened because it has.

Personally, I prefer to have a normal shower. White tile, a sliding door (NOT a curtain), the regular number of toiletries, tub floor not too dirty but not too clean either. Normal showers also have a small spider in the upper left corner of the ceiling that watches over you and makes sure you’re showering right.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go shower like a regular person, which is more than I can say for any other person on this horrid planet.