Limp Bizkit’s Debut Re-Released as “5.57 Dollar Bill, Y’all” After Adjusting for Inflation

Posted on December 22, 2022 by Tim Graham

JACKSONVILLE, Fla. — Venerable rap rock band Limp Bizkit announced that their hit 1997 album “Three Dollar Bill, Y’all” would be reissued with a title updated to reflect rising inflation, according to a press release written on an Arby’s wrapper.

“When we started out, three dollars wasn’t a lot, but it wasn’t nothing, either,” said frontman Fred Durst while waiting for his cap brim to be pressed at the Jacksonville Mall’s Lids. “We don’t want to come off as a nostalgia act, so on the new reissue, we’re adjusting it for inflation. Kids today just aren’t going to respond to three dollars. In ‘97, I could get a pack of Parliaments and a Slim Jim for under three bucks, but not anymore. Now check this out: $5.57. That’s something that will resonate with young people. It’s contemporary, it’s fresh. It speaks to the next generation of Limp fans.”

Diehard nu-metal fan Clement Cottrell was thrilled by the news from his favorite band.

“I think it’s awesome,” said Cottrell, 46, while on a vape break behind the incinerator he uses to dispose of his town’s roadkill. “I think this is exactly the sort of thing they need to be doing to get the youngbloods on board. Kids today might be confused by how little three dollars is and get all hung up on numbers rather than focusing on the killer tunes. People should appreciate the Bizkit for what it is: a band that sings about a wide range of important topics, from talking shit about shitty people to beating the shit out of people who talk shit. Thing is, now I’ll have to update the ‘Three Dollar Bill, Y’all’ stick-n-poke my last celly gave me. But that’s okay, he’s getting sprung next month.”

Forbes assistant managing editor Maureen O’Toole weighed in on the topic of economic revisionism in popular culture.

“Everyone’s talking about inflation in terms of rising food and consumer goods costs,” said O’Toole. “But few people are tuned in to the cultural impact high inflation is having, and how references to currency need to be constantly recontextualized. For instance, in 1996, 50 Cent seemed like a fine name for a rapper. 50 cents could get you a king-size Baby Ruth, after all. But if Curtis Jackson were savvier, he’d update his name to 95 Cent. That’s reflective of a staggering 89.9% cumulative rate of inflation. And how about that old song ‘Shave and a Haircut’? Nobody even knows what two bits means. But if you change it to ‘Shave and a Haircut, $7.53’, now we’re talking.”

As of press time, Canadian rock band Barenaked Ladies had announced a similar bid to remain relevant by retitling their 1992 hit “If I Had $1,000,000” to “If I Had $2,124,105.49.”

Our Most Popular Headlines of 2022 (But You Knew About Them Before They Were Cool)

Posted on December 21, 2022 by The Hard Times Staff

As we wrap up 2022 we decided to take a look back at some of our hard-hitting and poignant stories that kept you informed and made you a better citizen. Here are the Top 10 articles of the year. How did we measure “popularity”? You will have to fight us to find out.

10. Travis Barker Spends Three Hours Every Morning Meticulously Reapplying All 107 Temporary Tattoos

Originally published on January 4th, 2022. Click here to read the full story

9. Oh Fuck: We Sat Down With Kendall Jenner to Name 3 Slayer Songs and It Turns Out She Knows Way More Than Us and Now She’s Asking Us Questions

Originally published on September 7th, 2022. Click here for the full interview

8. “Thunder Only Happens When It’s Raining”? 10 Times Stevie Nicks Was Dead Wrong About Science

Originally published on July 9th, 2022. Click here to read the full story

7. Dad Sure to Let You Know Race of Every Person in Story He’s Telling

Originally published on March 23, 2022. Click here for the full story

6. When We Were Young Festival Designates Parking Area for Teens Waiting to Pick Up Parents

Originally published February 12th, 2022. Click here to read the full story

5. Oh, You’re Wearing a Carhartt Beanie? Name 3 Local Trade Unions

Originally published October 22, 2022. Click here for the full story

4. Uh Oh: I Watched Euphoria Once And Now I’m Popping Baby Aspirin Under Bisexual Lighting

Originally published March 6th, 2022. Click here to read the full story

3. “Sure, I’ll Check Out Primus,” Says Person on Worst Date of Their Life

Originally published on February 10th, 2022. Click here for the full story

2. Paul Rudd Reveals Secret to Eternal Youth Is Diet, Exercise, Not Having 60 Hour a Week Soul-Crushing Job

Originally published June 21, 2022. Click here to read the full story

1. We Sat Down With a Guy Who Blasts a Bluetooth Speaker in Public Instead of Using Headphones and Beat the Entire Fuck Out of Him

Originally published September 1, 2022. Click here for the full story

And that does it. Keep coming back and reading more. Want to keep The Hard Times going strong? Click here to visit our merch store and pick up something nice for yourself.

Pawn Shop Owner Marks up Price on Amp After Learning It Was Stolen From Jack White

Posted on December 21, 2022 by Chris Bowen

DETROIT — Gary Nedrow, owner and operator of Groovy Gary’s Swap Shop, deliberately marked up the price on a guitar amplifier his store had recently received after learning it was stolen from famous rock guitarist Jack White, several shady individuals report.

“When that 1970s Twin Reverb beauty came through the shop, I knew I could probably get $300 or so for it,” Nedrow explained while chain smoking inside his store. “But when the DPD showed up looking for an amp that was stolen from some famous guy and it matched the description of the one in my store, I figured what the hell, and jacked it up to a cool $3,000. I guess that dude played guitar for some big Striped Army band or something. Either way, a little price gouging never hurt anyone.”

Potential buyer of the “hot” amplifier Jason Ruhlman was a little upset by the sudden change in the asking price.

“This really sucks, man. I mean, I was just looking for a great little practice amp and at 300 bucks, I thought the Fender was a steal,” Ruhlman said while strumming his non-amplified Epiphone. “Then all of a sudden, the shop owner waddled over to the amp while laughing maniacally uninterrupted for several minutes and marked it up 100 times the original price right in front of me! I don’t think the owner knows who Jack White is though because he put a sign on the amp that said ‘Once Used By Jack Black.’ So unprofessional.”

Music gearhead Lonny Malcolm revealed that this wasn’t the first time seedy shop owners capitalized on equipment stolen from famous musicians.

“You would think most secondhand shops would have the decency to return stolen shit to their rightful owners, but 99.9% of the time, that isn’t the case,” Malcolm stated. “Like the time Dave Grohl’s stolen Les Paul ended up in a pawn shop in Boston. Some fucking guy walked off with it for trading in Kirk Hammett’s old guitar pedal. Not many are aware that these pawn shop owners never actually verify these claims, but jack up the price anyway. Absolute scoundrels.”

When the story broke, several police officers had scoured thrift stores in the Detroit area searching for Jack White’s recently stolen favorite fedora.

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Christmas List Confused for Set List Leads to Multiple Songs About Tonka Trucks

Posted on December 21, 2022 by Joe Rumrill

STOWE, Vt. — Members of Thin Lizzy cover band Jailbreakers reportedly spent an entire show improvising songs about Tonka Trucks after accidentally mixing up their set list with a Christmas list, sources confirmed.

“Imagine my mortification when I got up there to kick off the first song of the set, and I had nothing to guide me but a big list of all the toys our bassist wants for Christmas! I was scrambling the whole night! Luckily he mostly wanted Tonkas, but when we got into Bionicle territory, it got tougher and tougher to make the lyrics rhyme,” said Jailbreakers frontman Karl Piotrowski. “Luckily our audience seemed especially amped on our music that night. Which I don’t know whether to be relieved or offended about.”

Attendees of the gig were spellbound with adoration, saying it was the best Jailbreakers set in ages.

“Usually they come out and butcher a good half of poor Phil Lynott’s discography. It’s an almost sacrilegious affair every time. Hoo baby, but those new ones about, like the Tonka Mighty Force Light and Sounds or the Steel Classics Bulldozer had me yelling for more,” said Rimrocks Tavern regular and local toy store employee Willy Pitts. “Those spoke to me. I swear, I’m planning on bootlegging their next set and sending it to Tonka headquarters for the jingle money.”

Holiday icon Santa Claus was left befuddled, however, when he received the original lost set list in the mail shortly after.

“I couldn’t make heads or tails of it at first. It wasn’t like any Christmas list I’d ever seen, but the Jailbreakers are on my nice list, so I had to give the ol’ Kringle crack-at-it,” said Santa. “The elves are just going to have to do some outside the box thinking to make all the emeralds and whiskey in the jar the little tots asked for. It will be worth it to see all their smiling faces when, on Christmas morning, they rush down to their stockings and find them stuffed to the brim with their black roses. I just don’t know how in blazes I’m going to wrap that rocking chair, but I’ll have to find a way. The rocker was right at the top of the list!”

UPDATE: Jailbreakers made a similar mistake at their next gig, accidentally using their drummer’s resume, and having to riff a set about various types of barista experience.

We Sat Down With the Wrong Blondie but Now We Have a Recipe for a Huge Sandwich You Can Eat In One Bite

Posted on December 21, 2022 by Nathan Kamal

Blondie is one of the most important new wave bands of all time, with Debbie Harry’s iconic vocals and blisteringly hot stage presence fusing with Chris Stein’s guitar work to create some of the most influential music ever. Unfortunately, we got some things wrong and sat down with Blondie Bumstead, a caterer and mother who really married beneath her hotness level. On the other hand, we ended up with this great sandwich recipe!

You have to unhinge your jaw like a snake to eat it, but you get used to it.

The Hard Times: Hi Blondie, we mean, Mrs. Bumstead. There’s been a bit of a mix-up here, but any chance you have any insights into Parallel Lines?

Blondie: Well, dear, I’m not entirely sure what that is! I’m just a career gal who seems to sometimes be the main character of her life and at other times, just a foil to my darling husband Dagwood.

What’s his story?

Oh, that rascal is always trying to get out of going to work with Mr. Dithers but usually gets confused by his run-ins with the mailman.

Wow, your husband sounds kind of… mentally impaired. So you’ve never done a bunch of coke with Andy Warhol at Studio 54?

I’m not sure who this Mr. Warhol is, but I’ve definitely had more than my share of Coca-Cola at the soda fountain! I do love how that fizzy stuff gives you energy for days and the urge to talk to strangers about your deepest thoughts and how Dagwood is a loser but you don’t know how to leave him and divorce isn’t legal for women.

Wait, what time period are you from, exactly?

Oh dear, don’t you know it’s rude to ask a woman her age! You seem famished, would you like a sandwich?

Well, now that you say that, we could use a snack.

Okay, I’ll just make you a quick sandwich from six slices of Pullman Loaf bread, deli ham, roasted turkey, pepperoni, some nice yellow American cheese, a thick slab of bologna, olive loaf, an entire tomato, dijon, mayonnaise, salt, pepper, four leaves of romaine lettuce, an entire whole fish, an egg, 3 carrots, a live lobster and a big-ass toothpick with an olive in it. Does that sound nice, dear?

It really does. Thanks, Mom, we mean, Blondie.

Review: Meechy Darko “Gothic Luxury”

Posted on December 21, 2022 by Colleen Nerney

“Gothic Luxury” marks the solo debut release for rapper Meechy Darko, best known for his previous work with hip-hop trio Flatbush Zombies. It also marks the first time that any artist whose work I’m reviewing has responded to my request for an interview, which is a momentous occasion.

I rolled up to our scheduled meeting at a local cafe with a long list of questions for Mr. Darko, who, upon my arrival, was insistent that I call him Demetri. We made small talk for a few minutes, but I cut right to the fucking chase with my question–in keeping with the theme of his new album, what was his favorite piece of gothic literature?

He answered Dracula, which is stupid and obvious, frankly, and unfortunately, I had consumed so much coffee by that point that I was vibrating with weird energy and proceeded to berate him for his choice. I’m not wrong, dude. That would be like someone asking “who’s your favorite rapper” and replying with Kanye West. Or here’s a better and less dangerous example, saying your favorite baseball team is the Yankees. Shit’s boring.

Demetri then countered that I knew the name of the album was “Gothic Luxury” and not “Gothic Literary,” right? And okay, perhaps that was an oversight on my part, but his answer still sucked!

He then somewhat defensively asked what my favorite piece of gothic literature was since I’m such a smartass, aren’t I? I then cleared my throat and perfectly recited the opening paragraph of the classic “The Castle of Otranto.”

Demetri was pissed and said that me calling his choice of Dracula a “completely predictable and a poser move” was bullshit considering Otranto is considered the OG gothic novel, and even though I was also irritated, I could see where he was coming from.

Ah, fuck, actually, he’s totally right. It became brutally, abundantly clear that I had fucked this up beyond all repair, so after several minutes of stunned silence, I asked if he had ever seen the film “Donnie Darko.”

Demetri proceeded to punch me in the face and leave the interview, but not before paying for my coffee. That was nice of him.

Score: 0/1 successfully completed musician interviews for this website

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Recently Unearthed Rush B-Side “Huck Finn” Has Way More Racial Slurs than “Tom Sawyer”

Posted on December 20, 2022 by John Danek

MORIN-HEIGHTS, Québec — A newly discovered B-side from legendary prog-rock trio Rush titled “Huck Finn” reportedly contains many more racial slurs than companion hit “Tom Sawyer”, due to direct inspiration from its source material.

“I was digging through our tape archives here at Studio Un when I stumbled upon a box labeled ‘RUSH’ that I had never seen before,” recounted studio engineer Ian Perout, a Gen Z intern just beginning an ill-advised career in music. “The track was named ‘Huck Finn.’ I popped it on our tape deck, hit play, and immediately started crying. It’s the most offensive thing I ever heard. Not only does the novel’s famous Jim character appear frequently, it seems Rush added new characters of almost every race and referred to them exclusively by slurs. I’m so, so sorry for finding it.”

Remaining members of Rush quickly attempted to contain the possibly legacy-shattering contagion of this wildly offensive song.

“We wrote that song around the time our kids started having homework, ‘Huck Finn’ was a way to inspire them to finish book reports,” recalled Rush guitarist, and frequently forgotten person, Alex Lifeson. “We stuck a little too close to the book by making Jim a main character. And we added some additional micks and wops throughout in case the kids got assigned Dante or Joyce. Whoops, I mean Irish and fuckin’ Italians. Regardless, anyone we played the song for hated it, and it started more than one fistfight, so we scrapped it.”

Diehard Rush fans grappled with balancing the excitement of new, classic-era material with the morally repugnant nature of the lyrics.

“Do I want to hear new Rush tunes? Yes. But a teacher already made us read Huckleberry Finn in 7th grade, and as the only Black kid in the class, I don’t seek that feeling again,” admitted Anthony Wilkins, who has seen Rush live over 15 times. “So I’m not sure. At this point, I’m in my 40s, and the prospect of a new Rush song is by far the only thing I’ve had to look forward to in almost five years. Don’t judge me.”

Rush’s legacy faced further tarnishment, after Neil Peart diary entries indicate they may have been working on a concept double-album defending the unreliable narrator Humber Humbert in Nabokov’s “Lolita.”

Mommy Had Her Turn, Here’s Why Daddy Should Kiss Santa This Year

Posted on December 20, 2022 by Nick Lundquist

It was 1:30 am when I heard a familiar thump in the night. I rubbed the sleep out of my eyes and, Teddy Bear in hand, went to investigate the hushed whispers coming from the downstairs of my family home, fairly certain of what I would find. Sure enough, it was Mommy, swapping spit with Old Saint Nick.

He was really getting in there. I don’t know if Santa’s been taking Cialis, working out or what but his T-levels were clearly higher than they had been in recent years, and mom was into it.

As I watched my mother become enthralled by the sexual prowess of Ol’ Kris Kringle, not for the first time lord knows but with newly adult eyes, I couldn’t help but wonder “What about Daddy?”

We’re supposedly living in enlightened times where archaic gender norms are discarded. Why then is this supposedly jolly old gift-giver not give Daddy more attention? Why exactly does Mommy get all of Santa’s kisses every single year?

Santa is an immortal being with centuries of love-making know-how under his sizeable belt. If this truly is the season of giving, then why is my poor, hard-working father deprived of Santa’s master-level tongue boxing year after year?

Every year since I was 5 years old I’ve crept onto this landing with my teddy bear and watched Father Christmas go to town on my lusty mom, and to be honest, it’s always made me feel a little confused. Now, I finally understand why.

Santa Claus is known far and wide as a benevolent figure of generosity and goodwill, but he’s also become infamous as a master in the timeless art of seduction. Testimonials from Mommies everywhere have consistently shown Kris Kringle ranking highly in frenching, snogging, and over-the-clothes action.

When you think about it, it’s possible that Daddy could even derive more pleasure from Santa’s advances then Mommy does because Santa is a man, and he knows what men like.

How can we as loving children deny our Daddies this kind of sexual experience? For the sake of equality, it is essential that we close the kissing gap. It’s Daddy’s turn to kiss Santa this year. Mommy, stop it. I said stop it. Mommy, stop.

Christmas Break Nowhere Near Enough Time to Fix All of Parent’s Tech Issues

Posted on December 20, 2022 by Patrick Coyne

INDIANOLA, Iowa — Millennial Jenny Fang was sorely mistaken in thinking five days at her parent’s over Christmas would be enough time to solve the abundance of tech issues plaguing their home, confirmed sources currently on hold with customer service.

“I thought I had it all planned out. First I would tape labels to all of their remotes, I’d show them how to switch the TV input, and I would explain that the ‘free Disney cruise’ email is definitely a scam. Then I’d still have some time to relax and enjoy the holiday. But as soon as I entered the door my dad handed me a cookie tin full of knotted HDMI cables. Clearly, I was in over my head,” explained Fang while running a new Cat5 cable through the attic. “So far this ‘vacation’ I’ve done everything from spending midnight mass ‘putting email’ on my mom’s iPhone to explaining why my dad’s 30-year-old Laserdisc isn’t compatible with modern TVs.”

Fang’s mother, retired home health nurse Evie Fang, was ecstatic to have her daughter home for the holidays.

“It’s a joy to have Jenny under our roof again. For one, that thingy that sits under the stereo, the one that does the thing, has been beeping for the past nine months, and also where’re the shows I Tivo’d? I’m also hoping Jenny finally hauls away her old Nintendo,” explained the Fang matriarch, gesturing to her daughter’s Microsoft XBOX 360. “Maybe Jenny gets frustrated having to set up our printer and explain to us how she doesn’t control ‘the Google,’ but I never complained during 17 hours of labor with her.”

Recognizing a need in the marketplace, tech giant Apple launched a new service to help Millennial and Gen Z children of technologically inept Boomers.

“We at Apple are pleased to announce “Apple Boomer Care+,” said executive Marcus Russell. “Starting at $675 a year, specially trained tech experts will be bridging the culture gap and answering any question your parents may have, no matter how infuriating it is when they can’t grasp that ‘Yellowstone’ isn’t on Netflix. Our team will even stay on the line when a simple issue regarding a Facebook hoax turns into a 45-minute conversation about how some guy from your old neighborhood died.”

At press time, Fang extended her Christmas vacation indefinitely after a family friend gifted her mom and dad an Echo Dot.

Indie Rock Died the Day the O.C. Went off the Air

Posted on December 20, 2022 by Matt McInerney

Look, I’m sure R.E.M. and The Smiths were good or whatever but the truth is real indie rock was birthed at the Bait Shop, right in the heart of Orange County. And while many bands have tried to revive the genre since, the reality is that indie rock died when The O.C. was canceled.

I’m not some basic loser who got into indie rock after seeing Garden State. I learned everything I know about indie rock from Seth Cohen. While other kids were listening to the radio or watching TRL, I was looking for recommendations from the most legit source I know: the posters on Seth’s bedroom wall.

Those walls featured everyone from Modest Mouse to The Killers and whoever the band with that black-and-white skeleton ghost is.

I can remember every show I ever watched at the Bait Shop. Who can forget the indelible performance from emo-inventors Death Cab For Cutie? And how about indisputable legends, The Walkmen? I mean, I’ve only ever heard one song by them but there are probably others. Absolutely iconic. Oh, and Rooney! They basically defined the genre in season one. Probably the best to ever do it.

It was a magical few years but, sadly, it was short-lived. As the plot lines got thinner, real fans of the genre knew the end was near. Without a bedroom wall for marketing, what was a popular band on a major label supposed to do? It’s not like there was going to be a Garden State 2 soundtrack! As the spotlight faded on bad boys like Brandon Flowers, the music lost its edge. You could say indie rock died when Marissa died. Spoiler alert.

Wait, season three wasn’t the last season? Huh, I guess I never watched the fourth one. Either way, I was pretty bummed for a while when it happened. I flipped channels for hours. Well, until I found Friday Night Lights. What a show! Have you ever heard of post-rock? Oh, you should definitely watch Moneyball and educate yourself.