It was 1:30 am when I heard a familiar thump in the night. I rubbed the sleep out of my eyes and, Teddy Bear in hand, went to investigate the hushed whispers coming from the downstairs of my family home, fairly certain of what I would find. Sure enough, it was Mommy, swapping spit with Old Saint Nick.
He was really getting in there. I don’t know if Santa’s been taking Cialis, working out or what but his T-levels were clearly higher than they had been in recent years, and mom was into it.
As I watched my mother become enthralled by the sexual prowess of Ol’ Kris Kringle, not for the first time lord knows but with newly adult eyes, I couldn’t help but wonder “What about Daddy?”
We’re supposedly living in enlightened times where archaic gender norms are discarded. Why then is this supposedly jolly old gift-giver not give Daddy more attention? Why exactly does Mommy get all of Santa’s kisses every single year?
Santa is an immortal being with centuries of love-making know-how under his sizeable belt. If this truly is the season of giving, then why is my poor, hard-working father deprived of Santa’s master-level tongue boxing year after year?
Every year since I was 5 years old I’ve crept onto this landing with my teddy bear and watched Father Christmas go to town on my lusty mom, and to be honest, it’s always made me feel a little confused. Now, I finally understand why.
Santa Claus is known far and wide as a benevolent figure of generosity and goodwill, but he’s also become infamous as a master in the timeless art of seduction. Testimonials from Mommies everywhere have consistently shown Kris Kringle ranking highly in frenching, snogging, and over-the-clothes action.
When you think about it, it’s possible that Daddy could even derive more pleasure from Santa’s advances then Mommy does because Santa is a man, and he knows what men like.
How can we as loving children deny our Daddies this kind of sexual experience? For the sake of equality, it is essential that we close the kissing gap. It’s Daddy’s turn to kiss Santa this year. Mommy, stop it. I said stop it. Mommy, stop.