AKRON, Ohio – A quartet of local musicians brought together through Craigslist with the hopes of starting a band wound up creating substantially worse music as a group than they ever did by themselves, disappointed sources confirm.
“We all have our own styles,” said guitarist Skip Sanchez, who offered his condo with a reportedly “sweet setup” as a practice space. “For instance, I play math jazz, Geff (Baker) usually plays delta blues even though he’s white, Hash (Henry McDermott) is a doom metal drummer, and Jacob (Dracone) does clown punk–don’t ask–so there’s already a decent chance we’re going to suck complete balls. But who could have predicted that a group of random musicians meeting for the first time would create sounds so eclectic they make you want to throw up? I certainly didn’t. And to top it off, I’m being evicted because some of the people from the condo association heard the music in the hallway.”
Sanchez’s neighbor Jeremy Corbett says the sounds coming from next door were worse than anything he’d ever heard before.
“If you can imagine four guys who look like they’ve only ever interacted with people on Reddit at a Guitar Center playing totally disparate genres of songs very aggressively at the same time, you’ll begin to have an idea of the suffering we endured today,” said Corbett. “My children are still crying and asking why they would do that. This is the most horrific shit I’ve ever heard, and I saw a combination KISS/Phish cover band called ‘PISSH’ once.”
Craig Liszt, founder of Craigslist, has seen this play out a regrettable number of times before on his website.
“When I created Craigslist, I knew it would open up a world of possibilities for people trying to connect over a shared interest,” said Liszt. “Unfortunately, sometimes that results in musicians from diverse backgrounds who should never have otherwise met making unconventional music that sounds like absolute garbage. Terrible bands of all shapes and sizes get their start on my site, and while I’m proud to have brought them together, I must say I’m deeply relieved that most of the music created in these practice sessions never sees the light of day.”
As they were loading their gear into coincidentally identical PT Cruisers, the group reported they couldn’t wait to get home to practice solo and never see or contact each other ever again.
