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Report: Doctor’s Standards for Alcoholism Pretty Lame

HIALEAH, Fla. — A new report from local drunk Emily Kinder indicates that the standards of alcoholism held by her primary care physician are “weak as fuck,” confirmed shaky sources who need a drink.

“Most people expect bad medical advice from YouTube or Jenny McCarthy, but not from the doctor they’ve been going to gor the past three years,” said Kinder after being told she exceeded the criteria for alcohol use disorder. “Could an alcoholic take repeated breaks from drinking to prove they don’t have a problem with alcohol? I don’t think so. Never tried it myself. Besides, how should I know if I’m consuming more than 12 ounces of alcohol a day when all my drinks come in scorpion bowls? The world needs to revisit these standards because it all seems unfair.”

General practitioner Dr. Regina Ward believes Kinder is in denial when it comes to her problem drinking.

“Emily said she was having severe stomach pains despite cutting out soy and drinking chamomile tea one time a few weeks ago. I reminded her that alcohol causes inflammation of the stomach lining and can lead to a fatal ulcerative condition,” said Dr. Ward. “I tell my patients that if they want their stomachs to stop hurting, they need to decide they hate shitting their pants more than they love drinking. Once I tell them consuming more than seven drinks per week is considered excessive, I usually don’t hear from them again until they need a rapid Covid test.”

The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition (DMS-5) is commonly used to diagnose patients who may have a drinking problem, although a patient who smells like a bar mat does not require the same diagnostic scrutiny.

“The original criteria were meant to say seven drinks a day but there was a typo and I guess no one got around to fixing it,” admitted James Breeden, head of the American Psychiatric Association. “In the DSM-5, you’ll see that we make exceptions for special occasions like Cinco de Mayo, birthdays, bad work days, Veterans Day, and any holiday you’re forced to spend with extended family. The takeaway is to moderate whenever possible.”

At press time, Kinder was seen chasing a tequila shot with a hard kombucha to promote gut health.