THREE OAKS, Mich. — Maggie Hinkle, the drummer of dreamo band LEERER, is reportedly showing her yuletide spirit by filling each one of her drums with three distinct flavors of popcorn, delighted sources confirmed.
“The fact is, I can usually be a bit of a Grinch this time of year, and I wanted to show I was feeling the reason for the season. I figured nothing says Christmas better than the taste of various kinds of gourmet popcorn, separated by a cardboard divider,” said Hinkle. “And since I couldn’t get my hands on any of those big tin buckets it usually comes in, I figured my snares and toms were the next best thing. Who cares if it’ll muffle the hell out of my sound for a few weeks? It’s Christmas, man! In fact, I’m trying to keep this spirit flowing by fashioning my cymbals out of big Pizzelle cookies!”
Band members enthusiastically report that Hinkle knocked it out of the park with his holiday gesture.
“The flavors, dude! My god, the flavors! The floor tom had one-third filled with luscious butter flavor, right? But then in another pocket, all of a sudden, it’s cheddar cheese! You couldn’t believe the variety inside these things,” said guitarist Boyd “Mollusk” Bennings. “Oh, and don’t worry if you happen to have a sweet tooth, because Maggie had ya covered. Read my lips: caramel-covered popcorn in another third of the drums. Unbelievable, I know! It’s gonna be one hell of a Christmas this year, if that drum kit is any indication! Hell yeah!”
Orville Redenbacher representative Rachael Wesson felt remorse that her company had not thought of combining their popcorn with drum sets first.
“Are you kidding me? We’re kicking ourselves over here! I mean, the ‘Little Drummer Boy’ marketing practically writes itself,” said an irate Wesson. “I think we’ve either got to cut this kid a huge check for the manufacturing rights, or spend the whole holiday with egg on our face. Ugh, I just thought of the perfect commercial tagline too, get this: ‘Pah rum pum pum YUM!’ God, what a missed opportunity. That would’ve been a hefty bonus check in my stocking this year, I’ll tell you that much. Anyway, on to Groundhog’s Day, I guess.”
At press time, Hinkle was reportedly disappointed that absolutely no one had touched any of the compartments with cheddar flavor, not even the family of raccoons that live in the alleyway behind her practice space.