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We Sat Down With the Wrong Blondie but Now We Have a Recipe for a Huge Sandwich You Can Eat In One Bite

Blondie is one of the most important new wave bands of all time, with Debbie Harry’s iconic vocals and blisteringly hot stage presence fusing with Chris Stein’s guitar work to create some of the most influential music ever. Unfortunately, we got some things wrong and sat down with Blondie Bumstead, a caterer and mother who really married beneath her hotness level. On the other hand, we ended up with this great sandwich recipe!

You have to unhinge your jaw like a snake to eat it, but you get used to it.

The Hard Times: Hi Blondie, we mean, Mrs. Bumstead. There’s been a bit of a mix-up here, but any chance you have any insights into Parallel Lines?

Blondie: Well, dear, I’m not entirely sure what that is! I’m just a career gal who seems to sometimes be the main character of her life and at other times, just a foil to my darling husband Dagwood.

What’s his story?

Oh, that rascal is always trying to get out of going to work with Mr. Dithers but usually gets confused by his run-ins with the mailman.

Wow, your husband sounds kind of… mentally impaired. So you’ve never done a bunch of coke with Andy Warhol at Studio 54?

I’m not sure who this Mr. Warhol is, but I’ve definitely had more than my share of Coca-Cola at the soda fountain! I do love how that fizzy stuff gives you energy for days and the urge to talk to strangers about your deepest thoughts and how Dagwood is a loser but you don’t know how to leave him and divorce isn’t legal for women.

Wait, what time period are you from, exactly?

Oh dear, don’t you know it’s rude to ask a woman her age! You seem famished, would you like a sandwich?

Well, now that you say that, we could use a snack.

Okay, I’ll just make you a quick sandwich from six slices of Pullman Loaf bread, deli ham, roasted turkey, pepperoni, some nice yellow American cheese, a thick slab of bologna, olive loaf, an entire tomato, dijon, mayonnaise, salt, pepper, four leaves of romaine lettuce, an entire whole fish, an egg, 3 carrots, a live lobster and a big-ass toothpick with an olive in it. Does that sound nice, dear?

It really does. Thanks, Mom, we mean, Blondie.