Every “Weird Al” Yankovic Album Ranked Worst To Best

Posted on by Scott Waldman

With the exception of Nas, Eminem, Jay-Z, and MC Hammer, “Weird Al” Yankovic is the best rapper of all time, and we will travel to the end of Albuquerque to say such every hour. No one, we repeat, NO ONE has bars like Al(fred). In addition, he is THE BEST parody songwriter of all time, and his originals, which often echo hits in various genres are just as good, if not better. Al has fourteen ALbums ALl ready for ALliance with ALternating forms of praise for you ALternative leaning fans. We ranked them all from worst to best below, and will state before doing so that his worst rivals many of your favorite bands’ best. So put on some 3-D glasses, travel to Jurassic Park, which is frightening in the dark, and get ready to relive your childhood a little.

14. Alpocalypse (2011)

Weird. Al. Has. No. Bad. Albums. However, one record had to be legally be listed last here, especially since the insurrection, and if we can survive the “Alpocalypse” which is not even close to being as good as “Alapalooza” and features a smiling Cyrus, three religious brothers similar to the oh-so-cute Hanson boys but different, a small artist known as Taylor Swift who hasn’t been heard from since, and cataracts, yes, cataracts, then anything is possible! Still, this record was his highest charting full-length at the time, with a number nine debut on the Billboard 200. In addition, to prove us further wrong with this ranking, it was also nominated for a Grammy. Stop forwarding that crap to us? WHATEVER YOU LIKE. FYI: Casual WAY fans need to celebrate his style parodies as much as they do with his parodies like the ‘83 track, “I Love Rocky Road”.

Play it again: “Party in the CIA”
Skip it: Shake shake a shake it

13. Poodle Hat (2003)

2003 was the year that mall screamo/post-hardcore almost took over the H&M world with such curiously major label acts as Thursday, Thrice, and Poison the Well put out yelly and singy music, so it was easy to write Al off before the poodles went out to pasture. Still, the weirdest of the weird, and the strangest of the strange, Yankovician the Fredal proved that he was so, so much more than an angry white boy doing polka with underrated WAY gems like “Genius In France” and “Moron Out England”… And don’t try to get us started on the Vanilla Ice inspired album opener, “Couch Potato”! Coincidence that the potato opened the record with starch and closed it with escargot? Only Bob knows why.

Play it again: “Genius In France”
Skip it: Its eventual parody

12. Straight Outta Lynwood (2006)

Fun fact: Key & Peele’s very own Key & Peele appear in what is very likely Al’s most successful music video this century for the rockin’ rollin’ track, “White & Nerdy.” As YouTube culture took over the earth as a prequel to Vine, TikTok, and current juggernaut Friendster, Al showed that he could not be messed with as he ran the parody power game. Since this is the THIRD entry here and the #12 listing, we have a THREE part confessional list of pieces of diarrhea advice that you should practice every day: 1) Don’t download this song. 2) No matter what, you’re always close, but no cigar, to cake, so eat well. 3) Check your pancreas with a batter of syrup and a bowl of Advil, especially if you’re Canadian.

Play it again: “Trapped in the Drive-Thru”
Skip it: Having to poo whilst waiting for fries behind three Camrys and one Tesla with a “My Kid Is On The Honor Roll At Warren High In Downey, California”

11. Polka Party! (1986)

It’s no secret that every album ranking piece is subjective, except this one, and it’s also not false that Al’s best albums are from the ’80s/’90s, so it pains us to admit that “Polka Party!” is Al’s worst effort from the ’80s/last century, even though it has some of the best cover art. But have no fear as it is also better than every band’s LP who has played Warped Tour’s stages other than Cherry Poppin’ Daddies’ 1990 effort “Ferociously Stoned,” which doesn’t contain their biggest hit, “Zoot Suit Riot,” riot, which, well, ya know, dorks! So, listen to your heart, do not wear those shirts, live proudly with your hernia, re-watch the first five, yes, five, Rocky films, as “Rocky V” is not as bad as you remember, and start lighting menorahs for lower Manhattan; our non-BS thoughts/prayers go out to anyone harmed by 9/11.

Play it again: “Addicted to Spuds”
Skip it: The ability to stop drinking ketchup

10. Mandatory Fun (2014)

“Weird Al” Yankovic’s most recent album as of now but likely forever, “Mandatory Fun” obviously debuted in the gold medal position on Billboard’s US Top Comedy Albums, miles over Michael Richards’ EP, and shocked the world by actually and literally having its first week be at NUMBER ONE on the US Billboard 200, which we are not being sarcastic, sardonic, silly, or sports about. Call it Millennial nostalgia if you want, but Al proved he’s still got it.

Play it again: “Foil”
Skip it: Oily skin that once had boils

9. UHF – Original Motion Picture Soundtrack and Other Stuff (1989)

It truly says A LOT that one of the best soundtracks of all time is ranked NINTH here in this piece; Al is that good. If you still haven’t seen this perfect film let us be your hog and stop reading this/listening to it on your iPhone with a random Backstreet Boys vocalist not named AJ effortlessly reading it, and tune into all of the flick, all of it, with your phone in airplane mode so Cousin Deb can’t access you. Cool? If you have seen it before, do the same thing in second gear for moms’. Get it? The late Gandhi does, and did so twice! Three letters haven’t meant so much since “A-S-S,” and will likely never ever again.

Play it again: “Money for Nothing / Beverly Hillbillies”
Skip it: Buying everything for Billy Idol’s “Mony Mony”

8. Running with Scissors (1999)

“Albuquerque” is “Weird Al”’s best original composition, and if we’re being honest, it’s his best song… And that includes his parodies. Frank Zappa, Frank Sinatra, Junior, Frank Stallone, and ballpark Franks would all be salty yet proud of Al(fred) for this epic album closer in a decade of epic album closers like “All Apologies,” “Only In Dreams,” “Goodbye Sky Harbor,” and “Sumthin’ Wicked This Way Comes.” We don’t need to say anything else about jogging with knives, but we may as well: Diddy may be canceled now but his rock version of “It’s All About The Benjamins” gets slapped in the best way with dollar signs being replaced with PCs, and we are NOT talking about WWE’s Performance Center.

Play it again: “Albuquerque”
Skip it: “El Paso,” for obvious reasons unless they aren’t

7. Self-Titled (1983)

What. A. Debut. No words. Just listen. Happy birthday!

Play it again: “Ricky”
Skip it: “Steamboat”

 

 

 

 

 

 

6. Bad Hair Day (1996)

We may be at the fighting King Kong slot in Tom’s Top Eight, but we’re nearing the five highest ranked albums in WAY’s perfect album catalog, and sadly the late/great Coolio loses to hipster icon in a world of icons’, Jeff “Earth Girls Are Jurassic” Goldblum. Don’t feel bad for any fantastic voyage that anyone’s since you’ve been gone, and remember Larry from da leisure suit in bad (hair day) times, and worse. Remember The Jerky Boys? They made prank phone calls sometimes calling in sick? Rizzo? Frank Rizzo? Well, we know that he isn’t a Stallone, Sinatra, Junior, the weirdest of the weird, Frank Zappa, or a salty/savory mess of meats in a meat sac. Now be gone! We’re so sick of you, FORREST! In closing, there is nothing paradise-like like the script for 2008’s underrated, “Sex Drive,” and everything you know is wrong.

Play it again: “Gump”
Skip it: a sophomore schlump

5. Alapalooza (1993)

1993 was a year for the books! “In Utero,” “Vs.,” Rancid’s debut self-titled LP, and, obviously, En Vogue’s “Runaway Love” EP all showed that Wu-Tang Clam would eventually be nothing to ele-funk with tartar sauce. Yeah. That’s right. Back to our irregularly bowled dictation of an album title called “Alapalooza,” which implies that we’d prefer to go to a festival created by Al Yankovic over the almost as cool Perry Farrell. There ain’t no pyro for pornos for the young, dumb, and/or ugly on the more G rated/PG leaning Al songs. Even your most favorite 405 traffic jam would agree but not with Eric Clapton’s racist statements in the 1970s. Don’t believe us? Use GOOGLE, YAHOO, teleportation, OR GeoCities, Flea! Thanks, Chad Smith!

Play it again: “Jurassic Park”
Skip it: Not being ashamed of a nightlight

4. Off the Deep End (1992)

1992 had even better objectively and subjectively mainstream rock music than 1993 with Yellow Ledbetter’s “Core,” Rage Against The Machine’s self-titled ten-track masterpiece of a full-length studio album, and Alice in Chains’ “Dirt.” Then there was our friend Mr. Weird who blew it all out of the water. We dock him some points for not hanging hog on the cover of the album. Come on Al, dump that thing out.

Play it again: “The White Stuff”
Skip it: Alt-Right stuff

 

3. Even Worse (1988)

Oooooo! That’s right, there are zero skips/dad jokes for “Even Worse,” Al’s bronze-winning entry. This album deserves all of the public flowers that it received back then in the year that the first Bush was elected President of the United States of America with a Vice President who couldn’t spell, and at least six more positive word series cornucopia of powerful positive praises! Lasagna love may have gone by the wayside of America’s favorite pooch, Garfield, but you always need catchy/plenty of music to and over and over and over and over and over and over again; the fat good old days are over!

Play it again: “I Think I’m a Clone Now”
Skip it: Do not

2. Dare to Be Stupid (1985)

Rest in peace, Bob Casale, Devo mainstay, producer for Vandals, of 11561’s “Black Jacket Soul,” and proud papa of Sam and Alex. Now for something completely different from the Devo approved d-evolution: The title track to this album, which is ranked number two here out of FOURTEEN, is “Weird Al” Yankovic’s second best original song. Facts. No counter arguments are accepted here or in a court of law. Say yes to “duck,”; say no to “drugs” as the duck STARTS here. Show us how to get down, baby. Get it? Don’t beg for bed crumbs, and mind what we say, or it’s gonna b3 one more minute with you, which will leave us not that far behind in 3-D/its Rolodex.

Play it again: “Dare to Be Stupid”
Skip it: Having your blood sucked out by leeches

1. “Weird Al” Yankovic in 3-D (1984)

Sophomore slump or comeback of the year? You decide, but please wear da EX RAE SPEX, you midnight stars! Few likely expected “Weird Al”’s self-titled LP to capture a fan space in an extraterrestrial and beat the IRS. Even MORE people likely thought that he would release thirteen  more full-length studio efforts. Some people might have pulled Al aside and said you will never top “Eat It” quit while you’re ahead, and those people would have robbed us of at least 30 more years of greatness.  That’s AL we have to say about that!

Play it again: “King of Suede”
Skip it: Turn it off, turn it off

Man Gives Up His Seat on Subway for Pop Punk Veteran

Posted on by Ben Friedman

NEW YORK — Riders on the New York subway’s C train caught a rare act of generosity as a man gave up his seat for Terry McCarthy, a 42-year-old veteran of the pop punk scene, witnesses confirmed.

“I always believed simple acts of kindness go a long way. When I saw that downtrodden warrior of the music I listened to in middle school clinging to the pole, I figured the least I could do was offer him my seat. I could see in his eyes how thankful he was, he didn’t look very comfortable standing there in a 20-year-old Tsunami Bomb shirt and busted Vans,” said good Samaritan Chris Keller. “I know how hard it can be since I’ve seen it happen to my family. This guy reminds me of my older brother who still has PTSD from half of his favorite bands being outed as toxic misogynists. For these guys, the war to defend pop punk never really ended.”

McCarthy was grateful that someone understood what he was going through.

“A lot of times you just feel invisible, you know? People look at you and assume because you’re still rocking a wallet chain and three studded belts that you’re an assistant manager at a Zumiez store. I don’t get any respect from punks today. I served in six Warped Tours while they were in fucking diapers, dammit,” said McCarthy. “Honestly, it was just nice of Chris to see me as a person and not, like all my exes say, a grown man with a severe case of arrested development.”

Despite Keller’s display of goodwill going viral on social media, the city’s transit authority urged riders that aging pop punks are not a protected class.

“If you’re physically able to give up your seat to a pregnant person, the elderly, or an actual veteran of war, we highly encourage you to do so, as that’s just basic empathy. But these pop punks can’t let this go to their head and think they’re something special. New Yorkers aren’t obligated to give up seats to dudes who still whine about AFI being better before signing to Interscope,” said MTA official Michael Franceso. “Tough break, but having tendonitis or arthritis stemming from incessant moshing in the early 2000s doesn’t mean everyone needs to treat you like some sort of hero.”

Keller later regretted giving up his seat after seeing McCarthy immediately hit on the 16-year-old girl he was sitting next to.

Opinion: Here’s Why I Sold My House and Moved Into an Eames Lounge Chair

Posted on by Ben Friedman

Those of us lucky enough to own a home know how much of a pain in the ass they are to maintain, both physically and financially. It’s like the second you get your basement to stop flooding, your town jacks up the property taxes. How could you even possibly hope to furnish your home? The camping chair/TV on the floor combo isn’t exactly tying the living room together, at least according to my wife.

That’s why I decided to go with a more sensible home that delivers form and function. That’s why I sold my house and most of my possessions and moved into an Eames Lounge Chair. Well, technically onto the chair.

It’s not as crazy as it sounds! Anyone can own a shitty house, but everyone is impressed by the timeless, post-modern look and feel of a meticulously crafted Eames chair. You just sink into it and never want to get up, mostly because that is now the extent of my living quarters.

Now obviously this is a solo living situation. It worked out that my wife left me after not consulting her about any of this. Joke’s on her though, because now I have some walking-around money to the tune of $50k. How do you think I was able to afford the model with a cup holder?

But you tell me what’s more economically viable: paying $3000 a month or just paying that once? It’s a no brainer, especially when you realize those mortgage payments come down to $10 a month over thirty years. I’ll trade off never having friends or family over ever again for economic stability.

“But couldn’t you have downgraded to a tiny home or a trailer?” I think the fuck not! Do you know how awesome it is to circumvent zoning laws and property taxes while you’re kicking back like Don Draper? It’s the most upscale way to live off the grid. If the bowling alley I’m currently set up behind has a problem, I just throw it into my car and find some other commercial property to squat in. Try doing that in a mobile home.

Now I look sophisticated, get unreal lower back support, and do not pay any utilities to those bloodsuckers at ConEd. And when the weather gets cold, I have the box it came in to throw on top of me. I see no downsides to this.

Punk Dad Disgusted Men’s Room Doesn’t Have a Changing Table to Do Coke Off Of

Posted on by Dan Bookbinder

ATHENS, Ga. — Local punk Adam Rondeau was absolutely outraged that a venue did not provide a changing table in the men’s room so he could snort cocaine off of it, confirmed sources who said that he wasn’t technically wrong.

“It’s offensive and archaic that only women get changing tables in their bathrooms.

In this day and age, are we still holding onto the outdated notion that only women can do lines and the men only freebase? That is sexist and backward, I don’t want to go back to a time of doing lines off toilet seats. I’m an adult, not some teenage G.G. Allin wannabe,” said Rondeau, as he used Kirkland Signature Ultra Soft Baby Wipes to clean his nose. “Nonbinary and female-identifying people deserve a safe space, so I felt like a real piece of shit standing outside the women’s room announcing, ‘There’s a dad here, I’m coming in to use the changing table.’ Luckily they were cool with it, but come on, it’s 2024. Equality means men get to use changing tables for all our coke-related needs, too.”

Staff at The Hairy Dawg had not heard such concerns before.

“I get complaints all the time when we cut people off or get accused of watering down our drinks, but this was the first time I’ve ever gotten yelled at by a middle-aged man in a baby bjorn moaning about a lack of Koala Kares in the restroom,” said Manager Kelly Lorman. “Most of the time people just do their coke off the booth in the back, known as the snort corner. The tabletop is glass for a reason, dude. Besides, those changing tables can’t be sanitary, right?”

This dissatisfaction has led to a growing movement of fathers fighting back against perceived injustice.
“I put a changing room in every blueprint I do,” said Gustavo Wagner, a fatherhood advocate and architect from Studio MCC Architecture and Design. “These businesses just X them out most of the time. A solid changing table averages about $100. They just don’t want to pay for them since it’s not ‘legally required.’ I’ve heard stories of dads forced to do lines off the floor. We simply cannot go back to a time where fathers had to use gaudy coke spoons or grow coke nails.”

At press time, Rondeau was seen complaining to a Panera Bread cashier for allowing a mother to breastfeed in the dining room despite not being permitted to drink the six-pack of beer that he brought from home.

Parasocial Relationship Much More Fulfilling Than Actual Relationship

Posted on by Claire Alexander

POUGHKEEPSIE, N.Y. — Local woman Sarah Donnelly admitted that the parasocial relationship she shares with actor Kyle McLachlan through TikTok is exponentially more fulfilling than the real-life relationship she shares with her boyfriend of four years, sources confirmed.

“He’s just so full of life,” Donnelly says about the Twin Peaks star. “He is always posting these videos where he’s dancing or singing, just being so silly and loveable, in a way that James (Templeton) never is now that he’s joined his poker league. Every night I look forward to James falling asleep so that I can watch Kyle’s little TikToks. I think I’m heading towards needing to talk to my therapist about this for obvious and kind of distressing reasons.”

Templeton, on the other hand, seems to have no idea that his partner has eyes for another prospect.

“I don’t know who Kyle McLachlan is,” Templeton said while holding PS5 controller in one hand, a Monster energy in the other, and not looking up from the TV. “But yeah, Sarah and I are cool I guess, we don’t really fight or anything which is good, I think. I mean, she’s definitely mad at me for missing her birthday last month, and I was out with the boys for our anniversary this month, but you know, that kinda stuff happens when you’re in a long-term relationship. We both still have to be individuals.”

McLachlan’s social media manager Darrel Rodriguez admits he purposely crafted his client’s online presence to win the hearts of women in disappointing relationships everywhere, maximizing his influence and re-igniting his career.

“I really like to showcase Kyle doing the absolute bare minimum,” said Rodriguez. “Most women in relationships don’t ever even experience a man with as much as a clean floor, so as long as we show Kyle being a normal and not annoying or repulsive guy, women in their twenties fawn over him. It gives women everywhere hope, and it’s going to bring all of his old movies back to Netflix.”

At press time, Donnelly shared that she would be changing her phone wallpaper to a screenshot from McLachlan’s latest upload of him trying to hold three cats at once.

If Every One Of Our Instagram Followers Gave A Mere $74,666, We Can Give Elon Musk His Bonus

Posted on by Dan Rice

Mr. Rogers used to say in times of crisis, look for the helpers. With respect Fred, we say go a step further. We say be the helpers.

As you, our dear readers, are surely aware, Elon Musk, one of the world’s richest and therefore most undeniably cool people, is facing a seemingly insurmountable problem. He would like a humble bonus of 56 billion dollars, the largest paid to a CEO in American history, on the grounds that he would like to have that. It seems more than fair and very straightforward, but he’s being met with an unbelievable amount of red tape.

When a Delaware judge ruled against Musk receiving his (barely) historically high payout, he did what any of us would do. He reincorporated his company in Texas out of spite and self-interest ignoring any negative effects that would have on the company. He even ordered 10% layoffs to make sure his little 56 billion dollar thank you wouldn’t be a bother!

Even after going to all that trouble, an evil proxy firm is now advising shareholders to block the bonus. Talk about cruelty! Has Elon been a perfect boss? Of course not, nobody is perfect. But you try building a $100,00 terrible-looking car and see if you can get the accelerator to stop sticking, it’s a lot harder than you think!

Think of everything Elon Musk has done for you, everything he’s accomplished. He took a hole-in-the-wall platform like Twitter and turned it into X, the coolest letter there is. He did this so successfully that now when people mention that platform conversationally or in print they say “X, formerly Twitter.”

More importantly than that he shows us every day that you don’t need to be informed, intelligent, or even remotely logical to take a stand against the wokes.

Now is not the time to be selfish or miserly. Now is the time to give. Ask yourself “Do I really need takeout and rent for the rest of my life? Does my kid really need braces? Do I really need this kid? How much money can I get for selling my kid and how do I get that money to Elon Musk as fast as humanly possible?”

Sure, each of us individually is a virtually worthless insignificant $74,666, but together we are strong. We’re as strong as a CEO’s bonus. Together, in one voice, in one fantastic push forward we can give everything we have so that Elon Musk can say “Cool, I have this now, throw it on the pile.” He might even shoot another car into space because that’s the kind of selfless giver he is.

Guitar Center Kicks off Annual “Mid-Life Crisis” Sale

Posted on by Chris Bowen

WESTLAKE VILLAGE, Calif. — Musical instrument retailer Guitar Center kicked off its biggest sales event of the year catered towards individuals entering their mid-life who are at an age of self-reflection, inner turmoil, and prone to rash financial decision-making, several confused sources report.

“This has got to be my favorite promotion that corporate runs, bro. I love seeing dudes walk in with that meaningless-and-desperate-to-drop-cash look in their eyes,” Guitar Center employee Conner Welsh enthusiastically stated. “After all, the real strong point of my instrument knowledge is helping people choose good ones, but not so good that they can learn how to play guitar from scratch at the age of 52. Typically, these guys play their new purchase once or twice and let it sit in the back of their closet until they die and it’s eventually inherited by a family member who then tries to return it back to us. That’s just the circle of life in this industry.”

56-year-old Dennis Richardson expressed his gratitude for the chance to finally live out his rockstar dream.

“They say ‘age is just a number,’ and that’s why I think 56 is just the right time to buy two Marshall Stacks, a top hat, and a $5,000 dollar Gibson for only $4,900,” Richardson explained. “Besides, I figure a bitchin’ new guitar is way safer than a bitchin’ new Corvette. I even asked my family when I bought my axe if they’d rather I die in a fiery car accident or live out my childhood dream of being the next Jimmy Page. They answered ‘yes’ as soon as I said ‘death,’ but I knew what they really meant to say.”

Guitar Center corporate representative Stephen Gilbert explains promotions like this are a crucial part of business for the company.

“We have this reputation among ‘real musicians’ that we’re the Walmart of gear stores. As in, they only shop here when they forgot a patch cord or need to play ‘Smoke on the Water’ on an expensive new guitar they don’t even intend to buy. But they got it all wrong,” Gilbert explained. “We pride ourselves on being the number one go-to place for people who would never in their life consider becoming a drummer or guitar player, but then all of the sudden feel old enough to realize they’ve never accomplished anything in their life. That’s where we swoop in and cash in on the insecurities. That’s just capitalism, baby.”

At press time, Guitar Center announced a special discount for any orderly or nurse who provides care for elderly would-be rockers.

Six Songs We Listened to This Week That ‘Ruined the Family Cookout’

Posted on by Corey Montgomery

The rare three day weekend is upon us, and judging by your employment history, this is likely a more common experience than it’s made out to be. Nevertheless, you’re probably wondering what to do with your spare 24 hours. Instead of laying on the couch binge watching “King of the Hill” all day like you usually do, why not try spicing up your free time with some new music? We know it sounds scary, so we’re here to help. Here are six new tracks that have been handpicked by our staff who like you, had nothing better to do this week.

Amyl and the Sniffers “U Should Not Be Doing That” & “Facts”

Every day without new music from Melbourne’s Amyl and the Sniffers feels like an eternity. At the risk of sounding selfish, we personally feel that it should be illegal for the band to not release a new track every hour. Fortunately, the Aussie rockers released not just one, but two absolute rippers this week. Even better news: our increasingly threatening letters to the Australian government are apparently being read.

Beach Creeper “Mothmanthem”

If you’re anything like us, the only thing you love more than surf rock is forgotten b-roll horror movies from the golden age of cinema. Sadly, you’ve been realizing it’s nearly impossible to fit both obsessions into your busy schedule. Luckily for you, Beach Creeper have been working hard to make your demented dreams a reality. Some might say we didn’t need another song about Mothman, while others say puns are an antiquated artform. We say, fuck all of them, this band shreds.

Big Fat Head “Spiderweb”

Hailing from the future capital of the world, Ohio, Big Fat Head is crafting a soundtrack fit for a terrifying new era in which the state’s cornfields slowly overtake the entire planet. Their latest single, ‘Spiderweb,’ is a lush, synth drenched landscape that tip toes to the edge of psychedelia without falling off and boring you to death. Much like its namesake suggests, you can get stuck in this one for a while, so plan accordingly.

Conditioner “On Your Mind”

One of our writers said Newfoundland’s indie outfit, Conditioner, reminded them of Militarie Gun. Under California state law, that means we’re required to give them a write up. Bureaucracy aside, their latest EP, ‘COW’ is actually pretty fucking sick. After hearing the standout track ‘On Your Mind’ about thirty times in a row (also mandated by the state of CA), we have to admit we’re absolutely hooked. Blast this one if you’re still not over your ex, or if you are a fan of feeling something for the first time in years.

End Game “Big Shot”

GAAAAAWD DAAAAAAAAYUM END GAME’S BACK BAYBEEEEE! Sorry about that, the latest single from Calgary hardcore outfit, End Game, is so fucking heavy that we’ve been shouting all week. Our in-office ENT thinks we may be legally deaf, and has advised against us pushing our AirPods that deep into our ear canals. On top of that, our doctor doesn’t understand how we got that black eye, and won’t accept that ‘this song literally punched us in the face’ as an acceptable explanation. This is all to say that you should be listening to it on repeat immediately, and we are not legally responsible for any injuries you may sustain.

What? Six songs aren’t enough? Of course not, you greedy bastard. We figured you might be the ungrateful type, so we’ve put these and a whole bunch of other songs in a convenient and constantly updated playlist for you. Click here to listen and dazzle your friends with your newfound relevancy.

What a Dumbass! This Guy Thought His Emergency Dental Surgery Was Covered by Healthcare

Posted on by Reuben Blanchard

Lemme introduce you to this week’s asshole: Davis Benton of Pasadena, California. What makes him an asshole, you ask? This douche actually thought his healthcare coverage included emergency dental surgery. What year is it? 2999? Does he want his healthcare to drive him to work and make him lunch too? YOU’RE NOT SPECIAL!

This jagoff was heard saying “It makes no sense, it’s part of my health. Why wouldn’t it be covered by my health insurance” Um, maybe because it’s super expensive and insurance companies actually exist to profit off human misery you dumb piece of shit!

Seriously, this generation is so entitled. “Pay me what I’m worth!” “Unpaid internships are unethical!” “The cost of living is so high!” You know what’s also too high? The cost of living with woke snowflakes. Also my blood pressure. Probably because of all the woke snowflakes.

I don’t know what America you’ve been living in, but in my America, we stand for the flag, eat big-ass hamburgers and die way too young due to something easily preventable that our insurance refused to cover. That or we get shot in classrooms. But Davis “I’m an entitled bag of shit” Benton thinks he’s better than that. “In Canada, they have state-sponsored healthcare that is covered by your taxes” Well you know what else they have? MILK IN FUCKING BAG. What is this? Milk-in-a-bag-world? Where we all get to have our healthcare covered, regardless of our income, and then drink milk from a bag? Fuck you.

If you wanna be a communist, go for it. Go to Nazi Germany and be a communist, because in my head those are the same things, and NO I’m not gonna listen to why I’m wrong about that. He’s the asshole, not me. If he wants his face to NOT be in constant agonizing pain, maybe he should’ve had a rich dad, instead of working 65 hours a week to have a third of his paycheck taken away for health insurance that doesn’t actually cover anything and requires a $35 copay for general health visits and $100 copays for a specialist. Oh you wanna see a specialist? Because you’re so special? Nut up and be in pain like a real American.

Man Introduced to Each of Girlfriend’s Sex Toys Like New Guy at the Office

Posted on by Walker JF Glenn

SAN FRANCISCO — Local mailroom clerk and recently acquired boyfriend Jake Ramirez is reportedly feeling like the new guy at the office while he is led around his girlfriend’s apartment and successively introduced to each of her sex toys, anxious sources disclosed.

“It’s really exciting to be brought on board — it’s just a lot of information at once. I wasn’t exactly sure what expression I should have on my face, either. I was going for neutral-but-interested but I’m worried I came off dumb. I’m a pretty fast learner, though, and Aisha kept saying it will all ‘make sense in practice,’” said Ramirez. “We haven’t actually been seeing each other that long, so I’m flattered she wants me on the team. Although I have to admit I kind of exaggerated when she asked how familiar I am with Hitachi. Just feels like I lied on my resume or something.”

Ramirez’ girlfriend and owner of the adult toy collection Aisha James reported new partners often feel a bit overwhelmed on their first day.

“It’s completely understandable to be confused at first. I had my own learning curve with a lot of this stuff, and I’m available to answer any questions that arise as we get started,” said James. “Some trainees — when they get here and see what a full operation I’m running — aren’t sure what exactly they can do to help meet our daily goals. Let me reassure you: you’re here because of what you bring to the table. Even if it’s just verbal encouragement, or making small tweaks here and there, your role is essential.”

Relationship expert and author of “Love in the Era of Automation” Adrienne Wells noted that romance and efficiency are becoming synonymous for couples across the globe.

“In the age of the home office, the bedroom and the boardroom are often one and the same, and today’s lovers need modern solutions for modern problems,” said Wells. “It used to be the case that a worker could lose a whole afternoon searching for something a simple machine can identify and stimulate within seconds. The clit. I’m talking about finding the clit. That said, AI might actually be coming for your jobs as boyfriends.”

As of press time, Ramirez expressed some nervousness about meeting a device his girlfriend calls “the Manager,” or simply, “Peg.”