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Opinion: Here’s Why I Sold My House and Moved Into an Eames Lounge Chair

Those of us lucky enough to own a home know how much of a pain in the ass they are to maintain, both physically and financially. It’s like the second you get your basement to stop flooding, your town jacks up the property taxes. How could you even possibly hope to furnish your home? The camping chair/TV on the floor combo isn’t exactly tying the living room together, at least according to my wife.

That’s why I decided to go with a more sensible home that delivers form and function. That’s why I sold my house and most of my possessions and moved into an Eames Lounge Chair. Well, technically onto the chair.

It’s not as crazy as it sounds! Anyone can own a shitty house, but everyone is impressed by the timeless, post-modern look and feel of a meticulously crafted Eames chair. You just sink into it and never want to get up, mostly because that is now the extent of my living quarters.

Now obviously this is a solo living situation. It worked out that my wife left me after not consulting her about any of this. Joke’s on her though, because now I have some walking-around money to the tune of $50k. How do you think I was able to afford the model with a cup holder?

But you tell me what’s more economically viable: paying $3000 a month or just paying that once? It’s a no brainer, especially when you realize those mortgage payments come down to $10 a month over thirty years. I’ll trade off never having friends or family over ever again for economic stability.

“But couldn’t you have downgraded to a tiny home or a trailer?” I think the fuck not! Do you know how awesome it is to circumvent zoning laws and property taxes while you’re kicking back like Don Draper? It’s the most upscale way to live off the grid. If the bowling alley I’m currently set up behind has a problem, I just throw it into my car and find some other commercial property to squat in. Try doing that in a mobile home.

Now I look sophisticated, get unreal lower back support, and do not pay any utilities to those bloodsuckers at ConEd. And when the weather gets cold, I have the box it came in to throw on top of me. I see no downsides to this.