Colynemery, Author at HARDTIMES

Dune Movie Delayed so Denis Villeneuve Can Finish Reading Book

Posted on October 29, 2020 by Mark Roebuck

LOS ANGELES — Sources have revealed that the most recent delay of the upcoming Dune adaptation was not related to Covid-inspired box office doubts, but rather the director needing a little bit more time to finish the book.

“Fuck, I really thought I’d be through this by now,” said Denis Villeneuve, the acclaimed director behind the adaption. “I kept stalling out trying to read the book, so I got the thing on tape, and that was going well but then I got logged out of my Audible and I don’t know the password anymore, and then I got into some other books and then the all the sudden I’m supposed to be finishing this movie. Oh shit!”

“I had some really cool ideas for an ending for one character,” Villeneuve added, “and then I got to the part in the middle where he dies! I was like, ‘fuck!’ I loved that guy!”

Warner Brothers has announced that the film will be delayed until Villeneuve has had time to finish the book and kind of chew on it for a while, giving the visionary director of Arrival and Sicario time to finish Frank Herbert’s visionary work and come up with a vision of his own to commit to film.

“Denis is always so well prepared,” said Dune and Blade Runner 2049 actor Dave Bautista. “So when he was always carrying a copy of Dune around when we were filming, I figured it was just to make absolutely sure we were staying true to the novel. Turns out, he was reading it on the fly, doing his homework right before class, that bastard! This explains why he kept calling me in the middle of the night to get my take on the next day’s scene.”

Though principal photography was scheduled to be finished by now, studio executives have ordered an extended shoot, so that the finished film might better reflect the original source material.

“We were looking at a rough cut of his,” said Richard Beck, an executive at Warner Brothers. “And while the beginning really was impressive, the ending was just off the rails. Some real Game of Thrones shit. It’s like you could tell exactly how far he’d made it into the book, once the plot stops moving along and all the characters just start talking about all of the sand dunes and how nice they are, and then Paul Atreides slides down one and everyone cheers and the credits roll. Suffice to say, this film is not ready to be released.”

As of press time, Villenueve refused to comment on the allegations that he merely thought he’d signed on to remake a 1984 David Lynch film.

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U.S. Announces Plan to Withdraw All Troops from Donkey Kong Country by Christmas

Posted on October 29, 2020 by Jake Menez

WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump took to Twitter last night to announce that all American forces currently serving overseas in Donkey Kong Country are expected to be home by Christmas.

The announcement came as a shock to the American public, as the United States had maintained continuous involvement in Donkey Kong Country since 1994. Speaking on the basis of anonymity, a top-ranking general offered their assessment of the situation.

“Donkey Kong Country has been a perceived threat to American democracy for nearly thirty years. We first began to explore intervention in the region years ago when our satellites captured images of militants training rhinos for combat,” explained the general. “It wasn’t until our intel people got their hands on what appeared to be a training video that we got the go-ahead to assert an American presence in the region.”

The conflict eventually concentrated on an individual militant group within the country, which the U.S. ultimately failed to eliminate.

“We believed at the time that this so-called ‘DK Rap’ was designed to radicalize the population to the Kong mindset, so we got boots on the ground in that jungle in search of WMDs and the Kongs’ leader, Donkey,” said the general, referencing a satellite image of a remote military compound. “But when our SEAL team infiltrated his stronghold, all they turned up was a horde of bananas and some tasteful neckwear. Nothing left to do but go home.”

Contrary to the White House’s stance, many citizens expressed a belief that the United States’ role in Donkey Kong Country was motivated by lesser reasons than peacekeeping. One radical anti-war activist weighed in via Zoom.

“They-a never thought there were-a weapons of-a mass destruction!” said the activist, a man dressed in overalls with a green cap who also preferred to remain anonymous. “That was a line they used because-a they thought there was oil they could take-a for themselves. Those G-men saw all these-a barrels and invaded the whole damn country. But the joke’s-a on them because the barrels were just-a full of more Kongs!”

At press time, a leak from the White House suggested that although the United States would keep its promise to end direct involvement in Donkey Kong Country, President Trump had asked officials to explore the possibility of funding the Kremling Krew, an authoritarian militia identified as a hate group by U.S. intelligence communities, to “maintain law and order” in the region.

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Opinion: Oh, So When I Said “Frankenstein” and Not “the Monster” You Had No Idea What I Was Talking About

Posted on October 29, 2020 by Dan Rice

Oh my god. I am so sorry. You are right, of course! The character I am describing is in fact the MONSTER of Frankenstein, not Frankenstein! Wow, okay, I’ve got a LOT of backtracking to do now!

I must have sounded INSANE to you! Here I am referencing “Frankenstein” having bolts in his neck and throwing a little girl into a river and you’re thinking “Dr. Frankenstein? The fictional medical professional? He don’t do that.” You must have been so fucking LOST!

God, I’m so embarrassed. That must have been so CONFUSING to you! I mean, talk about cognitive whiplash! Do you need to sit down for a while? Do you want some water?

Hey, can someone get my friend here a glass of water? Room temperature please, the last thing they need is another shock!

No, no. Sit down. I insist.

It’s all dawning on me now, just what a fucking idiot I’ve been! When I was talking about how “Frankenstein” saw parallels between himself and Adam while learning to read with John Milton’s “Paradise Lost,” you must have been like, “What in the fuck could this guy possibly be talking about? Doctor Frankenstein already knows how to read, he’s a doctor! And his character is far more similar to Satan in ‘Paradise Lost’ than Adam. Wait, is he talking about The Monster?” Because that’s how fucking SMART you are! I can tell how smart you are because you deigned to say to me, “it’s actually Frankenstein’s monster. Frankenstein is the name of the doctor.”

It’s weird because I’m usually so careful about this sort of thing! See that guy over there with the fangs and the cape? I would never say something like “that guy is dressed as Dracula.” No, I would take the time to bother explaining “that man is dressed as the undead creature that the body of Count Dracula, the human man, BECAME after making his unholy pact with Satan.” Every time.

I’ll tell you who you really need to go straighten out: the people at Google! I just did a search for “Frankenstein,” you know, the doctor, and a bunch of pictures of the monster popped up! What the fuck is up with THAT? It’s as if society has collectively just decided the name Frankenstein was synonymous with the unnamed monster from Marry Shelly’s novel, “Frankenstein.” What a strange and frightening thing! Are we in the fucking Twilight Zone or WHAT?!

Thank God for you. Thank God for you and everyone like you in the world. Can you imagine a world without people like you, where it’s just a bunch of dumb happy-go-lucky shits like me going about their day thinking “Frankenstein” is the name of the monster in “Frankenstein?” That would be fucking CHAOS!

I feel like I should give you some money. I mean, here you are basically giving me a first-class education. Please, let me give you some of my money. Is there an ATM MACHINE anywhere around here? Wait WHAAAAAAT?!

33-Year-Old Patiently Awaits High School Crush’s Divorce

Posted on October 29, 2020 by Louie Aronowitz

UMTANUM, Wash. — Local single man Cameron Barrett admitted today that he’s been patiently waiting for his high school crush to get divorced so he can finally ask her on a date.

“She’s been married for like, seven years now, lives in Australia, and we haven’t spoken since freshman year, and I’m not sure she remembers me… but still, she’s the one. Trust me, I can tell,” he stated while scrolling through crush Meghan Kline’s Instagram for any indication of marital friction. “They just went to Scotland for two weeks, so, you know: long flight in close quarters? Then living in a hotel for two weeks? They definitely had an argument or two. Yeah, it’s just a matter of time. Any day now, it’s gonna be my turn, and I’ll be ready and waiting to rekindle the fire we could’ve had in 2003 if she hadn’t been dating that dude Kenny.”

Kline confirmed she is happily married and has yet to experience even a minor rough patch.

“We’ve been so lucky, my husband and I, we barely even argue. We’re legit soul mates,” Kline began, as her husband chimed in and said “like Jim and Pam” at the same time. “We’ve known each other for years and started dating after college, and honestly, I’ve never been happier in my entire life. Now, who did you say was mentioning me? Cameron what? Do you have a picture or something? I’m not sure who you’re talking about.”

Relationship psychology expert Dr. Maria Faron confirmed Barrett will be waiting a long time, if not forever.

“Oh, yeah, I studied their relationship. There’s no way Kline’s marriage is ending anytime soon,” she said, sifting through Freud’s work for the correct term for Barrett’s behavior. “He’s a classic case of what we in the industry call a ‘moron.’ The only way this marriage will ever have issues is if he initiates said issues, and even then, look at him: he’s like, 5’4 and losing his hair. Yeah… just by looking at him, I can tell, there’s no way he’s breaking up any marriages anytime soon.”

Barrett has since claimed he’s no longer awaiting the end of Kline’s marriage, as one of his several other crushes moved back to his hometown, so all efforts have been redirected towards her.

Amazing! This Horror-Themed Cake Looks Just Like a Dead Body and Tastes Like Blood and Raw Meat

Posted on October 29, 2020 by Dan Rice

It’s October again and, in the culinary world, that means horror-themed confections! It is the season of sugar, after all. Nom nom nom!

Unfortunately for Mom, pumpkin-shaped Pillsbury cookies just don’t cut it anymore. Food has evolved, particularly in the field of decorative cakes.

All across the country, America’s top bakers are using the macabre season to pull out all the stops and showcase their spookily-delicious cooking skills. But when it comes to deadly desserts, only one really takes the cake. Get it?

We used our connections in the foodie world to track down the most unique horror-themed cake in the world and we found it in the culinary creations of Doctor Baron von Fleshmonger!

The Baron’s sadistic sweets not only look like severed human body parts but feel and taste like them as well! It’s truly quite unsettling! I did not enjoy the bite of “human leg” I took in the slightest and that’s the whole point. In his cake work, Fleshmonger favors authenticity over cheap draws like sweetness or edibility. Here’s a breakdown of our experience:

PRESENTATION: The theatrics involved here blew us away! We were blindfolded by a hunchback named Idalgo and shoved into the back of a hearse. Several hours later our blindfolds were removed and we found ourselves in front of a dilapidated gothic church in some sort of ghost town. Very exclusive!

We entered the spooky old church and were greeted by the Baron himself, fully committed to the character. He removed the lid from a silver serving dish to reveal a dead ringer for a severed human leg still wrapped in denim. It’s amazing what you can do with fondant!

TASTE: Quite fleshlike. Warm, bloody, unpleasant, I’m talking full authenticity. And oddly enough, it is hard to stop at one bite. The Baron attributes this to his patented cannibalistic-accelerant marinade, whatever that means!

AFTER-FEEL: Emptiness and despair. We feel every worry, care, and scrap of identity being overridden by a horrible hunger we do not want. A hunger for something more… fresh.

SUMMARY: Brains! Braaaaaiiiinnnnssss! We… must… FEED!

Friend Skims Few Seconds of Album You Worked on for 9 Years

Posted on October 29, 2020 by Louie Aronowitz

OLATHE, Kan. — Liz Barret, your close lifelong friend and one of the only people whose opinion actually matters to you, skimmed through a few seconds of your labor-of-love magnum opus yesterday that took nearly a decade to complete before dismissing it forever.

“He’s been talking about this record since college, so it’s only right for me to show my support and really dedicate some time to it,” Barret said while removing the record from her phone so it would never come up on shuffle. “I’m not gonna actually sit here and listen to the whole thing, but I put on the first three seconds of the first song, then about 10 seconds in the middle of track seven — I think 13 seconds is plenty to get the gist of an hour-long album. It sounded pretty good, and I’m happy for him.”

Though you admit it was nice of her to listen at all, you were disappointed that that was all she heard.

“Her official review was it sounds ‘kinda like Green Day,’ which immediately indicates she didn’t actually listen, as every track is orchestral instrumentals in a ring cycle,” you shouted in a whirlwind of chagrin, sadness, and anger. “I put everything I have into this thing — this record is the most emotionally vulnerable and personal music I’ve ever written, and it was listened to by the one person closest to me for 13 seconds.”

“Though that beats the previous record of two seconds, when it came on in the car and my buddy skipped over it,” you added with resignation, “so I guess there’s that.”

While proud of your accomplishment, your dad was equally upset at the album’s reception, but for slightly different reasons.

“I paid for the thing. Someone better listen to it!” your dad yelled, shaking his head in regret and disappointment. “Do you have any idea how expensive it is to record a 72-piece orchestra… then go back and re-record it years later because you ‘rewrote a few bars?’ Every single person this record is given to had better listen to every second of music, uninterrupted, and undistracted, repeatedly. I cashed in my Amazon stock for this!”

At press time, Barret had since listened to an additional two seconds of the record after accidentally leaving her sound on while scrolling through stories on Instagram.

‘America Will Look Vastly Different After November,’ Says Man Discussing ‘Hyrule Warriors’ Launch Day

Posted on October 28, 2020 by Jolie Darrow

WASHINGTON — Warning his friends and loved ones of the coming weeks and months of uncertainty, local politico Philippe Cruz remarked today that America will look vastly different after November following the launch of Hyrule Warriors: Age of Calamity.

“It may sound like hyperbole to say this is the most important November of our lives, but it’s true,” began Cruz’s roughly 5,000-word long Facebook post. “We’re approaching a turning point in our nation’s history, and we all know what’s at stake this year: whether Zelda-themed Musou games are sustainable enough to be their own standalone series. The original Hyrule Warriors release was a test to see how we would react. This time around, I encourage everyone reading this to pay attention. The world could change pretty quickly around us very soon.”

Cruz’s post has clearly struck a nerve among his social network, and has so far garnered several hundred reactions and impassioned comments from his friends and family.

“I’ve lived through a lot of really hyped launch days. Some stand out more than others,” commented Cruz’s uncle Thomas, a veteran of the console wars. “But the new Hyrule Warriors is the most important launch in our lifetime. No matter what the outcome is after they count up all of the sales numbers, we need to come together and be prepared for whatever comes next. We can’t have a redo of ET: The Extra Terrestrial for the Atari 2600. We must not reverse the course of our nation’s progress.” Thomas’s message garnered 26 likes at press time as well as a photo reply of a Sonic the Hedgehog ‘ok boomer’ meme from mutual friend Ashley Martin.

Cruz says that he feels that his call to action made an impact, but he says it’s important to maintain energy leading up to launch day and not lose sight of the goal.

“This game needs to be good. The last one wasn’t that great, and it didn’t actually deliver on any of the promises made by the trailer. Some people are already saying that the Hyrule Warriors series is already in decline. How will we be able to look our children in the eyes decades from now and tell them we stood by while the greatest spin-off in video game history fell to ruin? Not even Link would stay silent and watch that happen.”

At press time, Cruz was following up in the comments section of his post urging everyone to make their voices heard this November through Nintendo’s customer feedback page.

Like this article? Check out our podcast! The Hard Drive Podcast is available on all podcast apps.

Anonymous ‘Cyberpunk 2077’ Contractor Reveals Intense Crunch Culture Made Him Say “Whoa”

Posted on October 28, 2020 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

LOS ANGELES — An anonymous whistleblower working on Cyberpunk 2077 with CD Projekt Red has revealed a pattern of intense and abusive crunch culture that left him saying “whoa” to co-workers and employers.

“With all the delays, I’ve been working 100 hour weeks, walking around all day in motion capture suits,” said the source, who asked to remain anonymous out of fear for their career. “I’ve worked hard jobs in the past that were really hard. You know, training for stunts and stuff like that. But do these guys even know who I am?! Actually wait, maybe I shouldn’t say that.”

Those close to the anonymous source have confirmed that they have been complaining about the long hours and difficult crunch process for quite some time.

“Yeah he’s always telling me about how crazy his job is,” said the source’s friend, actor Alex Winter. “I thought it was kinda weird, because I have read all those horrifying articles about crunch culture, but I didn’t realize it went beyond the developers. It’s pretty terrifying to imagine that actors are having to deal with this work culture too. Especially considering that [REDACTED] works two or three jobs, if you add up all the new movies he’s starring in.”

Despite the source having shined a spotlight on the working conditions of those at CD Projekt Red, many developers have criticized their statement.

“I have a family to feed and I’m absolutely terrified to lose this job, or say not to my boss. This guy is a multi-millionaire. He does not need to be doing all this!” said Cyberpunk 2077 developer Martin Kowalczyk. “We’re being completely overworked — it’s a nightmare — but no one asked him to do all his own stunts. There are not stunts in this! It’s a video game! I get that he has a reputation for being an incredibly nice guy, but I think he got caught up in a favor that has gone on way too long.”

As of press time, the anonymous source was seen sadly eating a sandwich on a park bench.

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Commune Member Tired of Roommates Not Cleaning up After Home Births

Posted on October 28, 2020 by Tom Peters

GARDINER, Mont. — Sacred Blessings Ranch resident Ricky Valencia has grown impatient with his fellow commune members for repeatedly failing to clean up after themselves following home births, inconsiderate sources confirm.

“It’s not that hard to just leave the space how you found it,” Valencia said of the makeshift birthing chamber otherwise known as the living room. “I really want to honor this new chapter in Spritefeather’s journey, but she’s been ‘letting the placenta soak’ for a while now. Somehow these deliveries always end with everyone clinking celebratory cider jars in the barn while I’m stepping over human debris to get to the Roku remote. I know this is the common area, but maybe it shouldn’t be in the only room with a TV. It’s hard to enjoy ‘The Great British Baking Show’ next to a kiddie pool full of amniotic fluid.”

Resident doula Rebecca Fenez claimed, however, that Valencia’s expectations aren’t always reasonable.

“Why would you join a commune if you’re so concerned with personal space?” Fenez said. “A new life is entering the world, and he sends a text from the other room asking us to please keep it down because he has work tomorrow. We all have work tomorrow. We milk goats and make soap, and it’s not hard.”

“Everyone tries to include him, but the other night he walked by and let out the most passive aggressive sigh, and I’m like, it’s an orgy, dude. Get in or get out,” Fenez added. “It was like movie night all over again.”

Leadership described the unique challenge of keeping individuals happy while considering the best interests of the group.

“I’m sympathetic to [Valencia’s] position,” said Sacred Blessings founder and believed deity Lucas Gumbrecht. “But making new people has to be our top priority, since outside recruitment is way down — give one trick-or-treater the special chocolate by accident and all of a sudden you’re a ‘cult.’ But we’ve hired a publicist to help us rebrand. There’s even a film crew coming to shoot a Netflix documentary that I’m sure will paint us in a very favorable light. Besides, everyone is free to leave whenever they want, right after they spend a night in the shed of reawakening.”

At press time, Valencia was devising a plan to escape from the compound with his share of the security deposit.

Uptight Principal Being Tortured in Hair Metal Video Just Trying to Do His Job

Posted on October 28, 2020 by Dan Kozuh

IRVINE, Calif. — Fastidious and strict Irvine Public High School Principal Gene Jensen was assaulted at work yesterday by the hair metal band Goldenrod while he was just trying to provide an education to America’s youth, terrified faculty and staff report.

“It was easily the most scared I’ve ever been… and that includes the time I went on the Knott’s Berry Farm haunted hayride. I was telling one of our more troublesome students to straighten up and fly right when these men in spandex and make-up broke down the door and tied me to a chair with my own tie,” Jensen said after being freed. “It was awful. One of them used drum sticks to knock the books off my shelf while I watched helplessly.”

“I don’t need this! I dedicate my life to education, and this is how I’m thanked?” Jensen asked rhetorically. “This isn’t even the first time it happened. It seems like every week, some fringe-jacketed weirdo tears apart our library.”

For their part, members of Goldenrod didn’t see anything wrong with their behavior.

“Man, I’m so, so sorry if we disrupted the indoctrination factory,” said frontman Biff Moss while dancing provocatively with Ms. Bastion, a gorgeous blonde English teacher. “Goldenrod came to party, and that is exactly what we’re going to do, baby! All we did was rip off his toupee, snap his suspenders and make a little mess — all harmless fun. Our guitarist didn’t know his solo would shatter the dude’s glasses.”

Hair metal criminologists noted that this was not an isolated incident.

“All over America, we’re getting reports of roving gangs of hair metal bands attacking educators,” explained Candace Sadinski, a professor of Education Leadership at Stanford. “Sure, principals and vice-principals might not be considered ‘cool’ or ‘hip,’ but they’re doing their best and don’t deserve this treatment. These monsters are carving their band’s name into desks and writing ‘school sux’ in textbooks, and somehow, the teachers are the bad guys.”

While Principal Jensen only has one more semester until he can retire, he fears his heart cannot handle another surprise pyrotechnic blast.

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