Colynemery, Author at HARDTIMES

Tired Woman Wondering if Husband Would Mind Just Licking Her Neck, Back Tonight

Posted on October 28, 2020 by Patrick Coyne

CARBONDALE, Ill. — Tired wife Ruby McDermott was reportedly “not in the mood” for sexual activity this evening, instead asking her husband to just lick her neck and her back, leaving her pussy and crack completely un-tongued.

“Work has been incredibly stressful, and unfortunately it’s had some negative effects on our sex life. When my husband tried to initiate tonight, I asked if he wouldn’t mind forgoing my pussy and crack, and just focus on my neck and my back, for brevity’s sake,” said McDermott. “He didn’t pressure me, but I could tell he was disappointed.”

“To be honest, if he’d just warmed me up a bit, I might’ve gotten in the mood and started poppin’ this P,’” she added. “My crack, however, was off limits. I’m currently on a juice cleanse and the stakes are just too high.”

Husband Vincent Padilla admitted he was frustrated.

“She kept flinching anytime I went too far south, so I just licked every square inch of her neck and back for an hour like I was a momma cat grooming her kitten. My entire face hurt after five minutes, but I didn’t want to let her down,” explained Padilla with a slight lisp due to tongue cramping. “The whole thing made me really insecure. Do I do a bad job of rolling my tongue and putting my neck into it? Admittedly, slow thumpin’ til the crack of dawn isn’t as easy for me now as it was in my 20s, but I try my best.”

Relationship counselor Aimee Cordova explained that, in addition to stress, there are many external factors that may cause a woman to lose interest in “getting her back blown out.”

“A common issue is the husband asking his partner to gimme that, that, that nut. But he ignores her needs,” said Cordova. “Sure, he has no problem when she requests he put it in her motherfuckin’ mouth, but when a wife says, ‘You can eat me out, talkin’ every drip-drop, don’t you waste it,’ he’s less than enthusiastic. Bitches crave being made to moan and scream, and it’s important their partners understand this for long-term, sexually satisfying relationships.”

McDermott has reportedly since said she will make more of an effort to be a “certified freak” a minimum of three days a week.

We Said Candyman 5 Times in the Mirror and Tony Todd Showed up and I Guess He Was in the Middle of Something Because He’s Pissed

Posted on October 28, 2020 by Dan Rice

With Halloween right around the corner, The Hard Times decided now would be a fun time to investigate some spooky urban legends, starting with Candyman. Made popular by the ‘90s film series, the legend of Candyman has it that if you say “Candyman” five times into a mirror a horrifying man with a hook for a hand surrounded by bees will appear and murder you.

We were skeptical that anything would happen at all. Imagine our surprise when acclaimed film and television star Tony Todd, star of the Candyman films, materialized into our bathroom! Unfortunately, he was… less than amused.

It’s great that this happened instead of like a for-real Candyman showing up I guess, but Todd really chewed us out. I guess this happens to him a lot at the “worst possible times.” How the fuck were we supposed to know?

The Hard Times: Holy shit, you’re Tony Todd! Did you just like teleport here man?
Tony Todd: Oh what in the fuck, not again! You stupid sons of bitches I’m busy!
Woah, hey calm down man, we didn’t know this would happen!
Oh! Okay! So you said “Candyman” in the mirror 5 times because you thought nothing would happen! Oh that makes so much sense wow, what a valuable use of time, you fucking idiot!
Jeez man sorry! I was just doing research for an article I’m writing!
Let me explain something to you, I’m a working actor, okay? I don’t have time to be wooshed away to… Where are we?
Chicago.
Chicago?! I have an audition in Las Angeles at 9 am, you’re telling me I’m in fucking Chicago?
Well, I mean with the time difference you can maybe still make it…
Fuck you!

After about 20 minutes of pacing around my apartment repeating a bunch of obscenities and insults Mr. Todd calmed down a bit, made a few phone calls, and agreed to an interview provided I get him an uber to O’hare airport.

So, magic exists I guess. That’s pretty wild.
Hmph.
So, were you cast in the film Candyman because of the curse or…
Oh so you don’t think I landed the role because of my acting ability is that it?
Woah, no I didn’t say that! Hey, you were incredible in that movie, it’s one of my favorites!
Hmph.
Okay, we can talk about something else.
I got Candyman because I’m a professional and understood the character. The curse shit didn’t happen until after I booked it, okay?
So like on set?
You know how they used all those bees in the movie?
Yeah! I heard you had it in your contract that you got a $1000 bonus every time you were stung is that true?
You’re damn right I did, and I cleaned house on that deal! I got stung like 100 times! Unfortunately, I didn’t read the fine print. The contract included a public image clause stating that I would inherit the mantle of the Candyman and appear when summoned. I knew I shouldn’t have signed that shit in blood.
Wow. Are you sure you want us to print that? I mean, if more people know about this won’t more people do it?
Oh, I want you to print this alright because there’s something I want people to know.
What’s that?
I’m through half-assing this Candyman shit. Next asshole who summons me is dead-meat. I’m going all in. Hook hand, bees, the whole deal.
Message received. So Tony Todd, where can people see you next?
Oh you can catch me on an upcoming episode of Law & Order. I’ll be playing a retail chain owner with a hook for a hand covered in bees.

Roommate Letting Crust Punk Soak for a Few Days Before Cleaning Him

Posted on October 28, 2020 by Patrick Coyne

WILMINGTON, Del. — Local woman Lily-Ann Greenaway is allowing a crust punk she met last week on a dating app to soak “for a day or two” before eventually cleaning him, incredulous roommates confirmed.

“I met this crustie on Hinge. He seemed cool, and I wanted him to come back home with me… but once we started fooling around, it became abundantly clear he was going to need a good cleaning before we go any further,” said Greenaway. “We moved to the shower, but he was covered in grease stains and stuck-on food, so I just kept scrubbing him until I broke skin. At that point, I filled the tub with warm, soapy water and told him to soak for a while and I’d check back later. That was three days ago.”

Roommate Kyle Jernigan has grown accustomed to the pruned punk in his bathtub.

“That guy is pretty cool, actually. We got off to a rocky start when I went to take a leak in the tub and unwittingly pissed in his face, but since then we’ve been getting along swimmingly,” said Jernigan. “Still, Lily better not be hoping one of us takes care of him. This isn’t going to be like that chili bowl from last month — three days in a bathtub with dish soap is more than enough to loosen the chicken breast stuck to that crustie’s forehead.”

Despite Greenaway’s insistence to the contrary, experts agree that allowing punks to soak is not an effective cleaning method.

“The fact is, leaving a crust punk in water for a few days to remove those stubborn malt liquor stains and the burnt-on kush residue is simply a myth,” explained blogger Sharita Booker. “You only need two things to clean a crust punk: steel wool and elbow grease. And if that fails, try soaking his stained parts in Coca-Cola overnight, then scrub him down with baking soda. That’s an old trick from my Mamaw, who was no stranger to bringing home a hobo or two, as they used to be called.”

As of this morning, the crust punk was deemed “more trouble than it’s worth” and tossed out with the recycling.

Boyfriend Takes -7 Environmental Damage Per Second on Mission to Grocery Store

Posted on October 27, 2020 by Chandler Dean

OXFORD, Ohio — In a journey that exposed one of his most glaring character vulnerabilities, local boyfriend Zach McInnes suffered -7 environmental damage per second on his most recent time trial at the grocery store.

McInnes, who has maxed out his Dish-Washing and Trash-Taking abilities at the expense of treating Food Preparation as a dump stat, relayed the debilitating nature of his slog through the Kroger course.

“Once I get in there, I’ve got about 45 seconds to complete the mission before my energy is completely depleted,” explained McInnes, his body still intermittently blinking red to indicate the slow depletion of his health. “I can recover once by loitering around the cereal aisle, but after that, the safety net’s gone — I just gotta move fast.”

The grocery store is just one environment where McInnes faces a built-in disadvantage as a boyfriend type; he also experiences -9 environmental damage per second at department stores, automatically loses all equipped items when entering or leaving an airplane, and is immune to stamina boosts from consuming vegetables.

McInnes’s partner and quest-giver, Robin Kundanmal, lamented his inability to finish the task without incident.

“I truly send him to get the most basic ingredients,” Kundanmal, who rewards McInnes’s successful efforts with continued companionship, vented. “But if there’s more than five things on the list he claims to be ‘over-encumbered’ and takes twice as long to get home. It’s such a cop out.”

At press time, McInnes was enjoying a +5 stamina bonus from hanging out in that one part of Best Buy with the couches and the hyper-photorealistic clips of The Avengers on infinite repeat.

Like this article? Check out our podcast! The Hard Drive Podcast is available on all podcast apps.

PlayStation Owner Wondering When Sony Is Going to Send Him All Those Trophies

Posted on October 27, 2020 by John Dixon

CARRBORO, N.C. — A local gamer is on the warpath against Sony as, after six years, he has yet to receive a single physical PlayStation Trophy.

“I was always an Xbox guy, but I got a PS4 on launch day before Xbox announced all those exclusives and I got super hype when I saw that instead of achievements, I could get trophies,” said Bart Hull from his house, which was tragically devoid of any kind of trophy. “But now the console generation is almost over and I have yet to receive a single one of the hundreds of trophies I’ve earned from Sony.”

He added, “It’s to the point that, if I don’t get a trophy in the mail soon I’m not getting a PS5.”

Workers at the local GameStop where Hull purchased his PlayStation initially bore the brunt of Hull’s complaints, and developed a unique approach for dealing with the irate gamer.

“Yeah, every time that guy came in to get new games, he’d make a comment about how it’s weird he hasn’t gotten any trophies yet. We sorta thought he just sucked at the games he was playing, but eventually he flat-out asked when we received our trophies in the mail,” said store manager Brian West. “Once we knew he was expecting physical trophies, we just kept telling him stuff like, ‘Well, they’ve gotta come all the way from Japan, give them time,’ because it was just hilarious at that point.”

A representative from Sony’s American arm was unsurprised to hear of Hull’s misunderstanding and frustration.

“This is far from the first person to think PlayStation trophies are physical items we ship to players, and I’m sure he won’t be the last,” said Sony spokesman William Bruce. “At this point it’s taking so many man hours to field all the calls and complaints that we’re considering actual trophies, because it could represent an actual savings for us.”

At press time, Hull had just earned his first platinum PlayStation trophy by completing Ghost of Tsushima and was spotted at a local trophy shop, commissioning a trophy of his own.

Like this article? Check out our podcast! The Hard Drive Podcast is available on all podcast apps.

Pro-Life Movement Handed Victory That Will Kill Thousands

Posted on October 27, 2020 by James Webster

WASHINGTON — Pro-life fundamentalists are rejoicing today after controversial Supreme Court nominee Amy Coney Barrett was officially confirmed to the judiciary, sources wondering what it would take to move to another country confirmed.

“I think I speak for all womankind when I say this appointment is a resounding victory,” said Jeffrey Walton, a conservative lobbyist. “Since Roe v. Wade in 1973, women have been in danger of ruining their lives by not abiding by God’s plans for them. If a woman wants to have an abortion, it should be dangerous, unsanitary, illegal, and stigmatized to hell and back. After all, that kind of bootstraps, do-everything-yourself mentality was good enough for the founding fathers.”

Barrett’s confirmation has been met with substantial backlash.

“Begging for my rights not to be taken away isn’t ‘backlash’ — I just want access to a very common medical procedure,” said concerned citizen Lucy Bellamy. “I’m not exaggerating here, people are going to die. Abortions aren’t going to stop: they’re just going to become unsafe. These people don’t give a shit about human life; they just want to punish women for getting pregnant because their repressed high-school’s abstinence campaign worked too well. Roe v. Wade was the only thing stopping Georgia from criminalizing miscarriages, which every human with half a wit knows full well a woman has no control over. “

“Also, I’m so angry that I said ‘fucking’ earlier, because now some smug chud isn’t going to take me seriously because I’m not engaging in ‘civilized debate,’” she added. “And to that guy: fuck you.”

For her part, Barrett seemed relieved the proceedings were finally over.

“Liberals will throw a fit and cry over just about anything,” said Barrett with a stony, ice cold glare. “Why didn’t these so-called ‘young people’ protest during the confirmation of Antonin Scalia? Don’t give me the ‘I wasn’t born yet’ excuse, that doesn’t work with me. I promise to follow precisely in Scalia’s footsteps, offering few opinions of my own… just as I do for my husband as a member of People of Praise. My confirmation is all just a part of God’s plan, and the plans of fundamentalist mega donors who have nothing better to spend their money on.”

At press time, Republican lawmakers began drawing up papers to declare all elections illegal, hoping to have the case ruled on by the Supreme Court before November 3rd.

We Thought the School Janitor Killed People in the Boiler Room but Turns Out He’s Just Lonely and Lives Down There and Somehow That’s Much Worse

Posted on October 27, 2020 by Patrick Coyne

Everyone at my middle school knows the story of “Gus the Gouger,” the creepy old janitor that lures children into the boiler room and gouges out their eyeballs. Well, being the bravest kid in the whole school who didn’t have attentive parents, I went down there to see for myself. Unfortunately, the truth is more bone-chilling terrifying than any of us had imagined.

Turns out Gus, who’s last name is “Perez” and not “the Gouger,” is simply a lonely old man who sleeps in the boiler room because he can’t afford his own place. He’s never even jammed an ice pick in someone’s throat, let alone burn their body to a crisp in the furnace down there. Instead, he plays cards. We talked a bit and he asked me to sit for a few hands. I kept praying he’d drown me in his slop bucket and mop the floors with my blood just to end the awkwardness.

I tried prying some more by asking if he wanted to tuck his genitals between his legs and wear my entrails like jewelry, but his English isn’t great, so instead, he smiled and offered me some water. Terrifyingly, it contained no severed fingers or even human feces. It merely contained a metaphor for how cold the world can be.

He did have a picture of a little girl taped to his wall, which I had hoped was his first victim. But it was his lousy granddaughter. She has a cleft palate and he’s been sending money so she can have surgery.

Jesus Christ, what am I supposed to do with that? I can’t brag to my friends about how I confronted “Gus the Gouger,” who in reality is “Gus: the World’s Greatest Abuelo.”

Sometimes I really wish he had killed me and ripped open my skull with his bare hands like the legend had foretold. At least then I could sleep eternal, instead of lying awake thinking about how I could—but will do nothing to—help this sweet, misunderstood man.

Cop Shoots Grand Jury After Being Slapped On Wrist

Posted on October 27, 2020 by Freelancer

LEXINGTON, Ky. — Ofc. Michael Skolnyk opened fire on a grand jury yesterday after they figuratively slapped him on the wrist for his history of violent outbursts and erratic behavior.

“I tactically ascertained that my body had been metaphorically assaulted,” confirmed Skolnyk through bites of a bear claw. “My sevens of hours of police training have honed my skills to be as sharp as Japanese steel if Japanese steel was American. After being berated by the grand jury for all of 15 minutes, I drew my service weapon and fired a total of 13 shots before handcuffing their bloody bodies, upon which I then reloaded and fired eight more shots. I’m just happy I was able to keep these dangerous jurors off the streets.”

Authorities have launched a mostly performative investigation of the shooting, and Ofc. Skolnyk is now on paid administrative leave.

“We’re going to spend the minimum amount of time necessary to assure the public that it looks like we’re looking into this,” announced Lexington mayor Linda Gorton. “We’ve got people working around the clock on this. This’ll be a cake walk for them; they practically won’t do anything at all.”

“We don’t want this to be too stressful on Ofc. Skolnyk. You know how violent cops can get when challenged,” she added. “We got him a nice, comfy desk job until this all blows over. We recently seized a stack of ‘Playboy’ magazines from some kids in the woods, so we’re gonna pay him $90 an hour to sort and file those. We’re hoping all that grueling paperwork will teach this officer a lesson.”

Law enforcement has reported an uptick in aggression towards officers from groups such as oversight committees, grand juries, and internal affairs bureaus.

“Make no mistake, this is a war on cops,” declared Chief of Police Terrence Green. “First they tell us we can’t shoot unarmed suspects, then they’ll tell us we can’t bring backup evidence in case the suspect loses theirs — before you know it, they’ll be telling us we can’t have sex with handcuffed minors in our legal custody. For too long, we’ve let these oversight groups run amok and terrorize our boys in blue. It’s time we let this country know that no officer is below the law.”

In related news, a police officer in Indianapolis suffered a brain injury yesterday after being told to think about what he did.

Opinion: You Can’t Get in the Pit & Try To Love Someone Until You Get in the Pit and Learn To Love Yourself

Posted on October 27, 2020 by Nariko Ott

Hey bros. We all know it’s okay to get out there in the pit and kick some ass. But some of us don’t know that at the same time, sometimes you’re actually kicking your own ass. On the inside. It’s true. And it’s okay.

Some of the most savage pit-masters I’ve ever met are actually just windmill punching through their own feelings of inadequacy. That’s not good, my dudes. Especially when we could be windmill punching those feelings out.

I used to be that guy, too. Sweaty. My Agnostic Front shirt in tatters. “Picking up change” but unable to “pick up the pieces” of my own shattered ego. Throwing punches when what I really wanted was to be punched, if only to feel something. Then one day I realized that I was no longer slam-dancing. I was slam-cutting. Which is very hard to slam-hide when none of your shirts have sleeves.

I’ve been in the scene a long time, my bros, and I can tell you right now the hardest breakdown of all, is an emotional breakdown. You can’t spin kick your way out of that.

So, here are some 2-steps you can take to land a haymaker square in the jaw of self-doubt:

Start today – No one’s gonna do it for you and there’s no time like the present. Commit yourself totally to being your own brother-in-arms.

Mosh with your negative thoughts – Don’t just think things like, “I’m a boner who sucks,” “No one will ever love me,” or “I’m an old poser who’s past his prime and spends his time writing about being badass online.” You’ve got to throw elbows into those ideas about yourself. Challenge them. Get in the circle pit of your mind and punch your negative thoughts until someone needs to “pick! them! up!”

Look back and laugh – Once you’ve defeated the ideas now you need to do what my older brother always told me, “stop hitting yourself! stop hitting yourself!” This obviously means to forgive yourself for anything you might have done in the past. Anything.

No spiritual surrender – You’ve got to do this every day. No mercy for those weak ass thoughts, bro. You’ve got to get back out there and spin around with your arms out every God Damn day!

So don’t let your own self kick your own self’s ass, bros. You’re the only one who can physically defend yourself from your mind. Because it’s in your head where no one else can punch it but you, with fists made of a positive mental attitude. I hope you take this to heart, dudes. Or don’t. I mean, what do I know? I’m just a drunk, fat idiot.

Burzum Accidentally Brought Up on First Date

Posted on October 27, 2020 by Andrew Murphy

SEATTLE — Perpetually single man Conner Turner ruined a promising first date last Friday when he brought up the infamous Norwegian Black Metal one-man solo project Burzum, surprised onlookers confirmed.

“Things were going pretty well at first: we were having a good time, laughing about how weird working from home can be. Then she asked me what I was listening to these days, so I just listed a few normie bands,” said Turner. “It went to shit when she said her roommate was into some really weird, creepy sounding music, and I joked that it must be Burzum. When she didn’t know the reference and I was forced to explain who Varg was, I knew I blew it. Everyone knows that on first dates you don’t bring up politics, religion, or your deep knowledge of black metal.”

The offhand mention of the black metal project led to Turner trying to explain not just Burzum, but the entirety of the early ’90s Norwegian Black Metal scene — including the spree of church arsons, the suicide of Mayhem’s vocalist, and the sociopolitical context of Burzum founder Varg Vikernes’s ultra-right wing political views.

“When Conner mentioned Burzum was from Norway, I figured it had to sound something like Abba. Nothing says Scandinvaian music like Abba,” said now-mortified date Megan Saunders. “But then he started talking about something called ‘Transilvanian Hunger’ and how it sucks that everybody involved with ‘kvlt’ are all Nazi Odinists hell bent on perserving bloodlines. Apparently this guy Varg wasn’t allowed a guitar in jail, so he just recorded synth music and everybody hates it. It was all so stupid that it sounded like it could be an abandoned plotline from ‘Game of Thrones.’”

Experts note that the divisiveness of Black Metal can often cause first dates to end much earlier than anticipated.

“Most weak, comfortable people are not ready for the power of Black Metal,” said Olin “Murder” Jergenson, author of “Blood Crime Under Odin’s Moon: The Rise of Norwegian Black Metal.” “If your soul is not as dark as the pale king’s court on the eve of a virgin sacrifice to the she-bear gods of old Evrope, you will not understand it’s meaning. Chicks hate that shit.”

However, Turner was grateful the date ended so he didn’t have to explain the “Infowars” sweatshirt he forgot to hide in the trunk of his car.

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