Cop Shoots Grand Jury After Being Slapped On Wrist

Posted on by Freelancer

LEXINGTON, Ky. — Ofc. Michael Skolnyk opened fire on a grand jury yesterday after they figuratively slapped him on the wrist for his history of violent outbursts and erratic behavior.

“I tactically ascertained that my body had been metaphorically assaulted,” confirmed Skolnyk through bites of a bear claw. “My sevens of hours of police training have honed my skills to be as sharp as Japanese steel if Japanese steel was American. After being berated by the grand jury for all of 15 minutes, I drew my service weapon and fired a total of 13 shots before handcuffing their bloody bodies, upon which I then reloaded and fired eight more shots. I’m just happy I was able to keep these dangerous jurors off the streets.”

Authorities have launched a mostly performative investigation of the shooting, and Ofc. Skolnyk is now on paid administrative leave.

“We’re going to spend the minimum amount of time necessary to assure the public that it looks like we’re looking into this,” announced Lexington mayor Linda Gorton. “We’ve got people working around the clock on this. This’ll be a cake walk for them; they practically won’t do anything at all.”

“We don’t want this to be too stressful on Ofc. Skolnyk. You know how violent cops can get when challenged,” she added. “We got him a nice, comfy desk job until this all blows over. We recently seized a stack of ‘Playboy’ magazines from some kids in the woods, so we’re gonna pay him $90 an hour to sort and file those. We’re hoping all that grueling paperwork will teach this officer a lesson.”

Law enforcement has reported an uptick in aggression towards officers from groups such as oversight committees, grand juries, and internal affairs bureaus.

“Make no mistake, this is a war on cops,” declared Chief of Police Terrence Green. “First they tell us we can’t shoot unarmed suspects, then they’ll tell us we can’t bring backup evidence in case the suspect loses theirs — before you know it, they’ll be telling us we can’t have sex with handcuffed minors in our legal custody. For too long, we’ve let these oversight groups run amok and terrorize our boys in blue. It’s time we let this country know that no officer is below the law.”

In related news, a police officer in Indianapolis suffered a brain injury yesterday after being told to think about what he did.

Opinion: You Can’t Get in the Pit & Try To Love Someone Until You Get in the Pit and Learn To Love Yourself

Posted on by Nariko Ott

Hey bros. We all know it’s okay to get out there in the pit and kick some ass. But some of us don’t know that at the same time, sometimes you’re actually kicking your own ass. On the inside. It’s true. And it’s okay.

Some of the most savage pit-masters I’ve ever met are actually just windmill punching through their own feelings of inadequacy. That’s not good, my dudes. Especially when we could be windmill punching those feelings out.

I used to be that guy, too. Sweaty. My Agnostic Front shirt in tatters. “Picking up change” but unable to “pick up the pieces” of my own shattered ego. Throwing punches when what I really wanted was to be punched, if only to feel something. Then one day I realized that I was no longer slam-dancing. I was slam-cutting. Which is very hard to slam-hide when none of your shirts have sleeves.

I’ve been in the scene a long time, my bros, and I can tell you right now the hardest breakdown of all, is an emotional breakdown. You can’t spin kick your way out of that.

So, here are some 2-steps you can take to land a haymaker square in the jaw of self-doubt:

Start today – No one’s gonna do it for you and there’s no time like the present. Commit yourself totally to being your own brother-in-arms.

Mosh with your negative thoughts – Don’t just think things like, “I’m a boner who sucks,” “No one will ever love me,” or “I’m an old poser who’s past his prime and spends his time writing about being badass online.” You’ve got to throw elbows into those ideas about yourself. Challenge them. Get in the circle pit of your mind and punch your negative thoughts until someone needs to “pick! them! up!”

Look back and laugh – Once you’ve defeated the ideas now you need to do what my older brother always told me, “stop hitting yourself! stop hitting yourself!” This obviously means to forgive yourself for anything you might have done in the past. Anything.

No spiritual surrender – You’ve got to do this every day. No mercy for those weak ass thoughts, bro. You’ve got to get back out there and spin around with your arms out every God Damn day!

So don’t let your own self kick your own self’s ass, bros. You’re the only one who can physically defend yourself from your mind. Because it’s in your head where no one else can punch it but you, with fists made of a positive mental attitude. I hope you take this to heart, dudes. Or don’t. I mean, what do I know? I’m just a drunk, fat idiot.

Burzum Accidentally Brought Up on First Date

Posted on by Andrew Murphy

SEATTLE — Perpetually single man Conner Turner ruined a promising first date last Friday when he brought up the infamous Norwegian Black Metal one-man solo project Burzum, surprised onlookers confirmed.

“Things were going pretty well at first: we were having a good time, laughing about how weird working from home can be. Then she asked me what I was listening to these days, so I just listed a few normie bands,” said Turner. “It went to shit when she said her roommate was into some really weird, creepy sounding music, and I joked that it must be Burzum. When she didn’t know the reference and I was forced to explain who Varg was, I knew I blew it. Everyone knows that on first dates you don’t bring up politics, religion, or your deep knowledge of black metal.”

The offhand mention of the black metal project led to Turner trying to explain not just Burzum, but the entirety of the early ’90s Norwegian Black Metal scene — including the spree of church arsons, the suicide of Mayhem’s vocalist, and the sociopolitical context of Burzum founder Varg Vikernes’s ultra-right wing political views.

“When Conner mentioned Burzum was from Norway, I figured it had to sound something like Abba. Nothing says Scandinvaian music like Abba,” said now-mortified date Megan Saunders. “But then he started talking about something called ‘Transilvanian Hunger’ and how it sucks that everybody involved with ‘kvlt’ are all Nazi Odinists hell bent on perserving bloodlines. Apparently this guy Varg wasn’t allowed a guitar in jail, so he just recorded synth music and everybody hates it. It was all so stupid that it sounded like it could be an abandoned plotline from ‘Game of Thrones.’”

Experts note that the divisiveness of Black Metal can often cause first dates to end much earlier than anticipated.

“Most weak, comfortable people are not ready for the power of Black Metal,” said Olin “Murder” Jergenson, author of “Blood Crime Under Odin’s Moon: The Rise of Norwegian Black Metal.” “If your soul is not as dark as the pale king’s court on the eve of a virgin sacrifice to the she-bear gods of old Evrope, you will not understand it’s meaning. Chicks hate that shit.”

However, Turner was grateful the date ended so he didn’t have to explain the “Infowars” sweatshirt he forgot to hide in the trunk of his car.

Pirate Bay Salvages What It Can From Wreck of Quibi

Posted on by Jon Ruggiero

LOS ANGELES — Members of The Pirate Bay took to the cyber seas to salvage the wreckage of disgraced short-form video streaming service Quibi.

“We be seein’ wrecks like these every few months now. These streamin’ services often tend to beach themselves without proper managin’,” explained pirate Edgar Greenskin. “It’s been a week since tha wreckage, so the scraps are measly, but hopefully we can get us some of that Punk’d from captain Chance the Rappa!”

Quibi, which experts say stands for “quick business” due to its six-month lifespan, crashed recently during a video conference with its creator Captain Jeffrey Katzenberg. 

“Many captains go down with their ship,” Katzenberg said, “but I think I’ll just move onto being CEO of some other incredibly unpopular, but lucrative business for me and my friends. And if these unlawful pirates try to pick through the scraps of our streaming service that only plays backwards movies on Amazon Kindles, I’ll have them all hanged.”

Despite Katzenberg’s warnings, the pirates have scrounged together some impressive finds.

“Oh, a’course there’s a gem or two in there,” yarr’d Greenskin. “One of the shows explores the relationship between TV writer Dan Harmon’s current wife and former sex doll in a humorous light. That’s gotta be worth somethin’!”

As of press time, the most valuable treasure thus far combed from the debris is a video of a woman with a prosthetic golden arm, which Greenskin became obsessed with as soon as he saw it.

Like this article? Check out our podcast! The Hard Drive Podcast is available on all podcast apps.

The Diversity in ‘Hades’ Is Unrealistic Because There Should Be More White People in Hell

Posted on by Aaron Weerasinghe

I love Hades as much as everyone else seems to, but I have to admit that the diversity in the game does kind of take me out of it a bit. In fact, I would go so far as to say that the diversity in this game about trying to escape the bowels of the underworld is downright unrealistic because we should be seeing way more white people in hell.

My issue isn’t with the liberties they took designing the Olympians. I think it’s great that there’s a Black Athena and South Asian Dionysus. Like the developers themselves have said, they’re Greek gods because they were worshipped in Greece, not because they’re ethnically Greek. But this is a game about climbing out of the lowest reaches of hell, and the only white man we see eternally damned for his sins is Sisyphus. What happened to accurate representation? There should be leagues — nay, swarms — of white men damned for their hubris in the underworld. Do better. Supergiant Games included so many vibrant characters by completely disregarding white people, many of whom should be toiling in hell.

It’s just not enough that some of the wretches of Tartarus are coded white with their blond bowl-cuts. We shouldn’t have to settle. Yes, I know the game takes place in Ancient Greece and all the characters are from Greek mythology, but I don’t think I’m being unreasonable when I say that I can’t immerse myself in a depiction of hell that doesn’t include every U.S. president, Christopher Columbus, Margaret Thatcher, and a bunch of guys with bad undercuts in ill-fitting suits. If the developers really cared about creating a believable underworld, we would have at least seen Tisiphone flaying Ronald and Nancy Reagan alive in a cutscene.

All this being said, I do think Hades’ depiction of Zeus as a disproportionately powerful, irresponsible, entitled old white man who generally kind of sucks is a particularly inspired decision.

Like this article? Check out our podcast! The Hard Drive Podcast is available on all podcast apps.

Nestlé Files Lawsuit Claiming Moon Has No Legal Right to Water

Posted on by Andy Holt

ARLINGTON, Va. — Nestlé USA announced a lawsuit against the round astronomical body orbiting Earth, claiming the mass has no inherent legal right to possess water on its surface.

“Water is no different from any other consumer product, like candy or the air we breathe. The idea that the Moon should get it for free is ludicrous. What’s next, free medicine?” said the legal counsel in their initial statement. “Whatever ice may be trapped in the surface of that greedy white circle in the sky, it belongs in the safe hands of private enterprise.”

Nestlé has faced criticism over exploitative practices, both toward the environment and the people who live near their water sites. Sources inside the company insisted that their motives were purely humanitarian.

“Our company is dedicated to making water available for everyone who can pay us for it, or else poor people who we think would look good in advertisements,” said a source who requested anonymity, as they were not authorized to speak about future plans. “Speaking of which, once this lawsuit is done, we might buy the right to put the Moon in a commercial.”

When told the image of the Moon was public domain, the source cut the interview short.

“Not any more it isn’t,” they said. “I need to get legal back on the phone.”

Cashier Who Doesn’t Get Paid Enough to Stop Shoplifting Considering Getting Into It Themself

Posted on by Anna Walsh

CICERO, Ill. — Underpaid Target cashier and generally exhausted person Paolo Morte is considering getting into stealing goods from his place of employment after realizing local shoplifters technically make more in one hour than he does in one shift.

“The first time I noticed someone shoplifting, I went to intervene, but stopped when I realized I make $8 an hour and have no health insurance. If this guy had a knife or even just gave me a black eye, I’d have a medical bill that would leave me homeless,” said Morte, a keyholder at his local Target franchise. “It’s an uneasy truce I have with the more regular thieves, but I’m picking up a few inside secrets by just letting them go. I’m thinking I could slowly but surely refurnish my whole apartment if I just grab one thing at the end of every shift.”

One of these “regulars,” Kay Blanchette, stands with the cashiers.

“I’m not saying I don’t have the magic hands to get the job done, but I sure am grateful for these folks who turn a blind eye so that I can get the fancy kombucha,” Blanchette said. “I actually worked as a cashier for about five years before I realized I would have a better quality of life shoplifting most things I own or consume, even with the occasional run in with mall cops — who are entirely willing to accept even the most modest bribe.”

However, employee relations representative Candace Cremini takes a harder stance on her employee’s loss prevention techniques.

“We here at Target pay all of our employees a fair, living wage. The hourly rate for the average worker is enough for one case of eggs, a pack of one-ply toilet paper, and five boxes of delicious Market Pantry Mac n’ Cheese. That is, of course, with the generous 40% employee discount we offer,” Cremini explained. “Frankly, it’s impossible to raise wages when nearly $400 of merchandise walks out the door on a yearly basis. Perhaps if our employees worked a little harder to catch these vicious criminals, we’d be able to inch toward $1.05 more per hour over the next five years, but I guess some people just don’t care about moving up.”

At press time, several young men in inside-out red shirts were carting several large boxes and a bunch of bananas to their cars.

47-Year-Old CPA Not Sure What to Make of MTV Finally Responding to His “Jackass” Audition Tape

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

PARKER, Colo. — Middle-aged CPA Ken Feeney has no idea what to think today after MTV enthusiastically responded to a “humiliating” and “stomach-churning” audition tape for “Jackass” he made two decades ago that aired last night.

“Like a lot of Millennials, I completely disregarded the advisory warning and instead tried to imitate everything I saw on ‘Jackass.’ I even sent a tape of my stunts to MTV, even though the opening title card expressly said they would not look at it — I sure as shit didn’t think they would reach out two decades later to discuss me starring in a reboot of the show,” said Feeney. “Do you know how embarrassing it is that they showed that on national television? 20 years ago, I would’ve given my left nut to be on ‘Jackass.’ In fact, I almost did when I stapled my ball sac to my leg. But now? I’m a grown man with a career and a family. This will ruin my life.”

Although unaware of the tape’s existence, Feeney’s immediate supervisor Anna Sellers noted some unusual changes in Feeney’s work performance recently.

“Ken has been acting very squirrelly. He’s been talking a lot about how he doesn’t own a TV and keeps trying to convince everyone else to throw theirs out… or at the very least, switch their cable provider to Comcast so ‘our brains aren’t poisoned by Viacom channels,’” explained Sellers. “And he keeps asking weird hypotheticals like, ‘Could you still respect someone if you saw them eat a dog turd?’ Or, ‘Would you still consider someone for a promotion even if they once idolized Bam Margera?’ It’s very strange.”

MTV executive Shakira Pierson elaborated on the potential “Jackass” reboot.

“After years of putting it off, I finally started working through the huge backlog of ‘Jackass’ tapes we’ve received over the years. We were incredibly impressed with Ken Feeney’s enthusiasm, charisma, and artistry,” said Pierson. “The man is like Picasso, but with a roman candle up his ass. We knew we had to air his stunts right away, as well as offer him a spot on the new show.”

Since the tape aired, Feeney has been pleasantly surprised to see his business nearly triple, with many new customers wishing to have their taxes prepared by “the dude who stuck his dick in a curling iron.”

Undecided Voters Debate Whether to Burn Cross or Nail Themselves to It

Posted on by Kaitlyn Jeffers

STEVENS POINT, Wisc. — Undecided voters across the U.S. are racking their brains this week trying to decide whether to burn crosses or simply nail themselves to them in considering a number of issues, according to sources counting down the days until November 3rd.

“The options in front of us are tough, but I’m no racist, and I personally have never burned a cross before. But if I have to choose a side, I suppose my ideals lean closer to that one than admitting that an entire race of people simply matter the same as anyone else,” said a man who requested anonymity for fear of alienation from his Black and Hispanic coworkers and neighbors. “It’s a heritage thing, really. This country has a long tradition of cross-burning, and if we let go of our racist identity, then what do we become? Germany? I can’t speak German. It’s intimidating. They have like, 20 letters in every word.”

Of the U.S. electorate who have not died from COVID-19, police brutality, starvation, homelessness, or falling asleep on their gun over the past six months, roughly 13% are unsure which side to stand on.

“Look, I’m a Christian: I was raised Christian, my family is Christian, and I wanna die Christian like Jesus did — nailed to a cross,” said Jessica Schroeder, a mother of 17 and devout Christian. “Except instead of a cross made of wood for the sins of humanity, I’ll just commit to argue in favor of fracking until my grandkids die, which shouldn’t be too far off. But if anyone tries to make us pay more in taxes to help the poor, feed the hungry, or care for the sick, then we’re all going to crucify each other as a family, literally. My husband has the tools.”

Meanwhile undecided voters on the left have committed to focusing on entirely the wrong things in their decision making process.

“It’s tough, because I’m a Union guy, so I’m definitely in favor of creating more crucifixion jobs. But also I grew up in a Conservative family, so burning a cross just feels comfortable,” said dairyman Aaron Kreuger. “I disagree with absolutely everything that cross-burning stands for — hell, I’m not even white. But I don’t know… there’s just something about nailing yourself to a cross that reminds me of the Romans, and all I can think of is higher taxes. I’m so undecided!”

At press time, several undecided voters were seen walking face-first into a wall in their basements, repeatedly.

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