Opinion: Today’s Divorce Hearing Is BYOB, Right?

Posted on by Steve Esparra

Okay, let’s cut right down to business here. Is this divorce hearing BYOB, open bar, or, (ugh) a cash bar? It’s not a big deal either way, I just need to know if I have to pack my cooler or not. I have some high end beers I’ve been saving for an occasion, so if it’s BYOB I just gotta get them in the fridge and cool down some ice packs and I’ll be good to go!

Don’t get me wrong, I’d love it if this were an open bar affair, like the affair my wife (oh, excuse me, ex-wife) had with her yoga instructor. That way I could slip the court-appointed bartender a 20 spot at the beginning and tell him he’s my guy for the rest of the night. But if it’s a BYOB thing, I should probably go ahead and pack my flask, too.

And don’t even get me started on the cash bar at the last hearing we had at her lawyer’s office. Come on. How tacky can you be? I told them from here on out don’t invite me to these things unless the alcohol situation is very clear prior to scheduling. I shouldn’t even have to ask this question, but you know divorce layers. Always squeezing you for every penny.

Funny, she never seemed to care how much I was drinking when we were together. Weird how that works, right? All she cared about was money. “You’re spending too much on non-essentials, where does all our money go, where are the kids’ bikes?” Blah blah blah. You get the idea. Now all of a sudden I show up ready to divide our assets and she can’t answer one simple question about the logistics of how I’m going to get loaded in court.

Speaking of our assets, if she thinks she’s getting even one bottle from my beer cellar, she is in for a rude awakening. I’ll open them all with a sabre before I let her get her greedy little hands on my hard-earned collectibles. Maybe I need to treat this like a good old fashioned ISO:FT negotiation. She wants custody of our kids, Porter and Stella, so maybe I tug on those heartstrings and say, “Alright, you want the kids, I want my beer collection. Even swap.”

On second thought, I’ll go ahead and pack the cooler and bring it anyway. If I have to leave it in the car, so be it. I’ll just keep taking breaks with an empty coffee cup for refills. Let this be a lesson to all you divorcees out there. Any event can be BYOB if you try hard enough.

Omar Rodríguez-López Writes, Records, Releases Album Between Two Sips of Coffee

Posted on by John Danek

BAYAMÓN, Puerto Rico — At the Drive-In and The Mars Volta guitarist Omar Rodríguez-López created and released an entire 49-minute prog-punk album in mere seconds early this morning, sunken-eyed bandmates reported.

“I had a vision of a concept album about an ancient golem reincarnated into the body of a little girl in rural Cambodia during breakfast. When I was done recording, my coffee was still hot,” explained the prolific Rodríguez-López. “I don’t know why everyone makes such a big deal out of my creative output. I birth my full-length albums just like any other self-respecting musician: one every single day, for my entire life.”

Rodríguez-López’s bandmates are struggling to keep up.

“My brother Omar has always been like this. But it’s getting worse, and I need some goddamn sleep,” reported a shell-shocked Marcel Rodríguez-López, who plays keyboards in his brother’s band. “You never know when he’s going to call in the middle of the night and demand a B-flat Mixolydian vamp for 23 1/2 bars for the bridge of some song he came up with while half-asleep. The closest I get to rest is pretending to listen to something in my bongos and sneaking a few winks, but that’s hardly sustainable.”

Only Omar Rodríguez-López’s most diehard fans can handle the voluminous supply of his high-grade jazz/rock/punk freakouts.

“It’s just, you know… a day or two passes, and you haven’t heard anything new for a minute, and you just start to get a little on edge. Like, when am I gonna get my re-up, man? Fucking when?!” shouted Derek Malakas, admin for The Comatorium web forum. “I bought Omar’s signature Ernie Ball guitar to get through the weekend, but I suck at guitar and it’s just not cutting it. Do you have new music? Can you give me some? I’ll pay top dollar. Come on, I’m good for it, I swear.”

Omar Rodríguez-López’s torrid pace continued through the day with a new triple-album with longtime collaborator Cedric Bixler-Zavala, followed by a new, original soundtrack for Alejandro Jodorowsky’s classic arthouse film “El Topo,” all while on hold during a phone call to his bank.

Democrats Introduce Bill to Condemn Coronavirus

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

WASHINGTON — Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi and Senator Chuck Schumer have introduced a bill that, if passed, would condemn COVID-19 as a “very bad pandemic,” according to those familiar with their teams.

“The coronavirus is very very bad, and that’s why we need to address it head-on and immediately. Which is why we have introduced this bill to officially, as a government, label it as bad,” said Chuck Schumer at a press conference this morning. “We need to do everything we can to defeat the coronavirus — and by ‘we,’ I mean ‘you.’ You need to do everything you can to defeat the coronavirus. And by that I mean voting for Democrats. So that we can defeat the coronavirus… by empowering you to defeat the coronavirus. Which, again, is very bad — if this bill passes.”

The proposed bill received mixed reactions from Democrats online, with many praising Pelosi and Schumer for taking on Trump, and other, non-wealthy constituents feeling that it did not go far enough.

“If the bill passes, I get to print out a certificate confirming that COVID-19 is officially bad. Not really sure how my landlord is going to feel about that taking the place of my rent this month,” said Arizona resident Maria Gomez. “I guess when I called up Chuck Schumer’s office begging that he do ‘literally anything’ to help me not get evicted, I didn’t actually mean ‘literally’ anything. I wanted a pretty specific thing: money.”

Republicans in Congress have been quick to attack the proposed bill by Democrats.

“I will put a gun to my fucking head and pull the fucking trigger, letting my brain splatter all over my poor, helpless family before I let these Demoncrats pass a bill calling COVID-19 bad,” explained Senator Roy Blunt on the floor of the Senate. “This is an obvious attack on President Donald Trump; they want to pin something that happened in his administration as ‘bad.’ There is absolutely no proof that the coronavirus is bad — unless it came from China, in which case, we can all agree it was an act of the purist evil.”

As of press time, Pelosi and Schumer tried to get Republicans to compromise on a bill that at least confirms that COVID-19 is “not good.”

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Transphobe Who Claimed to Identify as Attack Helicopter Destroyed by U.S. Airforce

Posted on by Zoe Grobman

WARMINSTER, Pa. — Local transphobe Graham Webb, 34, has reportedly died after an AGM-114 Hellfire Missile fired from an MQ-9 Reaper Drone owned by the United States Airforce dropped on his house, due to Webb repeatedly asserting that he “sexually identified as an attack helicopter.”

“People need to learn to take a joke,” Webb was heard saying just before the United States Airforce, fearing that he was an enemy combatant helicopter, opened fire on his home. “It’s like, you don’t have to make your gender your whole personality, you know? That’s why I’m trying to spread the word with this pin on my jacket, which reads ‘My Pronouns are WHRR/BRRR.’”

Aspen Jenson, a trans woman who worked with Webb at a copy shop for the past three years, said that Webb made the joke almost constantly.

“Every time we’d be in the break room together, he’d bump into me with his arms spread out like propellers and then tell me I’m being a bigot,” explained Jenson. “He was super annoying, always misgendering me and insulting the various social justice actions I would participate in. Every time I’d walk past his desk, he was clearly just browsing Reddit. Still, I don’t think it’s right that the U.S. Government extrajudicially killed him. Even if the drone attendant happened to be trans.”

Questions as to why Webb was seen as a national security threat were addressed at a press conference this afternoon by U.S. Airforce Secretary Pat Brennan. 

“While conducting routine military surveillance of protesters, we were alerted to an individual purporting to be a military vehicle,” he said. “While we could not confirm the veracity of his statements, we know that if there was indeed an attack helicopter living amongst us, this would constitute a grave threat to national security. As such, out of an abundance of caution, we decided the appropriate action would be to launch a preemptive strike”.

When questioned as to the Airforce’s response to the 54 children at the kindergarten next to Webb’s house who also died in the explosion, Brennan mumbled something about human shields and quickly ended the press conference.

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Classic Rock Song Downloaded?

Posted on by Krissy Howard

CHATTANOOGA, Tenn. — Local woman Denise Giorgeschi was “utterly shocked” yesterday after finding an mp3 file of AC/DC’s “You Shook Me All Night Long” downloaded onto a technological device in the year 2020, according to sources.

“I was on a little road trip with this guy I’d been seeing for a few months. It was our first trip together, so I was pretty excited,” Giorgeschi recalled. “He handed me his phone and said to ‘find whatever’ music to play… and that’s when I saw it, right there. It wasn’t even part of some ironic playlist or anything. Why the fuck would someone use up room on their shitty phone to store a song that’s been playing on the radio every minute of every day for the last 40 years?”

A cursory search through the phone revealed a much more serious issue than Giorgeschi initially assumed.

“I thought maybe it was some one-time thing, or like, maybe someone downloaded it to prank him or something. But when I kept scrolling, I found more — ‘Ramble On,’ ‘Dream On,’ ‘Hotel California.’ I mean, ‘Hotel California?’ Seriously? Give me the faintest FM signal and a twisty knob and I can find you ‘Hotel California’ in three minutes… five, tops,” she said. “This is just like that guy who went to Applebee’s even when he didn’t have a gift card, all over again. I really don’t know how I keep attracting these same types of guys. My therapist is gonna have a field day with this.”

Clinical psychologist Dr. Moira Banks confirmed that downloading songs played on the radio every day for over 25 years is a condition that should be taken seriously.

“Medically speaking, the downloading of any music with so many streaming options currently available, let alone songs that can be heard playing at Dave & Busters at any time of the day, would be enough to classify a person as ‘totally weird,’ if not a ‘total fucking psychopath,” Dr. Banks explained. “Studies have shown that those who download classic rock songs prefer Redbox over standard streaming services, and will likely never stop quoting Cheech and Chong’s ‘Up in Smoke.’”

At press time, Giorgeschi had made it back to her car, where she played the same burned copy of Nirvana “Unplugged” that’s been in her car’s CD player since 2008.

Lowe’s Manager Sick of Slipknot Percussionist Testing Garbage Cans, Never Buying One

Posted on by John Danek

DES MOINES, Iowa — Local Lowe’s manager Darrell Winchester removed Slipknot percussionist Shawn “Clown” Crahan from the store again last week after he spent hours testing garbage bins without making a purchase.

“Every weekend Slipknot isn’t touring, Clown’s here taking up space and resources: he asks some employee to pull a few cans down from the shelves, then sits there for hours playing ‘In the Air Tonight’ or ‘We Will Rock You’ using some big ass mallets he brought from home,” explained Winchester. “This isn’t a rehearsal space — we’re trying to run a business here. People come for our friendly service and expertise in all areas of home improvement, not to hear some weirdo in a prison jumpsuit and a mask play the same few drum lines over and over again.”

However, Crahan insisted that nothing will stop him in his quest for quality tone.

“Only a fucking idiot thinks all trash cans sound the same. They’re made of various polymers and synthetic plastic blends that all resonate differently,” explained Crahan, whose YouTube channel named “The Quest for Trash Tone” is growing steadily. “A trashist — that’s what we trash can players call ourselves — is defined by his or her tone. And while Rubbermaid gives you that classic American thump, I’m also intrigued by the more boutique offerings coming from Carlisle and Safco.”

Des Moines officials note that Slipknot’s percussion section has had a dramatic impact on the city’s business landscape.

“The various drummers of Slipknot have a heavy gravitational pull on our city’s resources. Did you know we now have the single biggest sledgehammer industry in the midwest?” said Kayla Denny, spokesperson for the Des Moines Chamber of Commerce. “But it’s not all good — every school marching band has a surplus of trashcan drumline players. When will Slipknot add some woodwinds so we can get some balance? How many times can a halftime show feature ‘Duality?’”

In related news, Waste Management branches throughout the Des Moines metro have enacted restraining orders against Crahan after repeated acts of trespassing to ask employees if they “want to jam sometime.”

Local Right Wing Terrorist Group Holds 87th Annual Policeman’s Ball

Posted on by Contributor

NORFOLK, Va. — An extremely organized right wing terrorist group known as the “Norfolk Police Department” held an annual fundraising event yesterday to procure more funds for upgrading weapons and tactical vehicles, watchdog groups in the surrounding area confirmed.

“This is a longstanding tradition where we invite some of the most important community members to meet the brave men and women who risk their lives protecting businesses and property from the more… How do I say this? Undesirable citizens in town,” said event organizer Chief Elroy Hilliard. “We want our officers to know which people in town they actually serve. A lot of our bigger donors haven’t been happy about our initiatives to hire more people of color, so we made sure those officers were on duty tonight.”

Activists who have continually called for the police to be defunded protested the event.

“The police in this city are just Klan members who happen to wear blue, and that seems to be the reality all over the country. The last thing they need is more money when those funds could be better spent on outreach in over-policed neighborhoods,” said community organizer Kendra Lombard. “We’ve found that almost 80% of the local police have ties to white supremacist organizations and they don’t even try to hide it — they hold a yearly screening of ‘Birth of a Nation’ on the front lawn of their headquarters, and most of them can somehow recite it word for word even though there’s no talking in it.”

Terrorist watch groups across the country continue to monitor police departments, and have tried to get them listed as hate groups by the federal government.

“Americans have been inundated by high-profile police murders in the past few months, but those incidents are just a small percentage of people that were killed by heavily armed ‘officers of the peace,’” said People Not Police founder Samuel Bergeron. “The federal government does not have a central database on police-involved shootings because they know the numbers would be so staggering that foreign countries might consider sending in peace-keeping soldiers just to keep officers in line. All we can do is remind people to avoid cops at all costs — especially if you make less than $300,000 a year.”

The Policeman’s Ball ultimately raised a record-breaking $5 million, while a week-long fundraiser for Norfolk teachers netted a loss of $10,000.

3 Signs She’s Just Not Into You and 3 of the Same Signs You’ll Misinterpret

Posted on by Bobby Korec

Fellas. Have you ever been in a situation where she just wasn’t feeling your flirtatious advances? Me neither. Evidently, it’s because I completely misinterpret every sign that’s supposed to tell me otherwise. Or so I’ve been told repeatedly by my therapist, countless women, and more bouncers than I can literally remember.

If you’re anything like me, a guy who recognizes boundary lines and then makes the conscious decision to plow through them, you’ll probably need someone to help set the record straight. Here’s what I kind of learned about navigating the utterly cryptic messages women try to send you to throw you off the scent that they secretly want you to keep touching their leg no matter how many bars they’ve had to leave because of you.

She’s ghosting you – Evidently, if she doesn’t reciprocate communication, she’s just not having it. It may be hard to believe she’s not hooked even after your several dozen half-assed attempts of texting “hey” or “u up” and putting in zero effort to mentally engage with her otherwise. But it’s true.

How you’ll misinterpret – She’s probably been busy thinking of something super clever to text back. Yeah, that’s it. I’m sure any minute now she’ll get back to you with something like, “sorry, just seeing these 47 texts now.” Practice patience.

She says she’s with someone – Every time I meet a girl at a party the first words out of her mouth are about their amazing boyfriend or girlfriend. Sometimes both. Turns out, that’s a clear cut sign she’s actually into someone else.

How you’ll misinterpret – Sure, she might say she’s with someone else, but if she hasn’t named names it might just be a test. Women are all about testing you. Sometimes they just want to see if you can solve their riddles and mind games. Then you can call them out on their bluffs like I do. In theory, this should work. Surprisingly, it never has for me.

She flat out tells you – This is one of their more straightforward signs that’s fairly difficult to misinterpret unless you are a complete dipshit.

How you’ll misinterpret – Sure, she says that now. But she hasn’t even seen your collection of Game of Thrones-inspired sword replicas. Once she lays eyes on your Oathkeeper, “Damascus,” her feelings will change like the phases of the moon of Westeros.

Spotify CEO Gets .0005% Custody of Children

Posted on by Ramona Apthorp

NEW YORK — Spotify CEO Daniel Ek reportedly won .0005% custody of his children in a landmark hearing yesterday, according to leaked court documents and testimony.

“To say that I feel betrayed would be an understatement. I put my blood, sweat, and tears into raising my children — how could someone only give me a fraction of what I deserve?” said an oblivious Ek moments after the hearing’s climactic end. “My true life’s work was being a father and this deal doesn’t acknowledge my efforts, even if this is still the biggest payout in Spotify’s history.”

Presiding judge and part-time musician Henry Blake was unsympathetic.

“I actually fancy myself a bit of a musician as well. Some might say this made it hard for me to stay impartial, but I can assure you I didn’t let my personal feelings affect my decision about the absolute monster that is Daniel Ek,” stated Blake. “I did what any good judge would do: I reviewed the facts presented to me by both parties, evaluated the situation, looked Daniel Ek in the eyes and whispered, ‘How does it feel, bitch?’ Just like I do with every case.”

Bandcamp CEO Ethan Diamond took a break from laughing uncontrollably to comment.

“Believe it or not, my wife and I have actually talked about what we would do about custody of our girl if we ever split, and you bet your ass it’s ethical as hell,” said Diamond before doing a perfect kickflip. “My wife and I would both get equal custody of our daughter. And it goes without saying, but she would also receive 100% of our little girl’s time and attention on Fridays. Both my wife and I would be rewarded for the effort we’ve put into this family, even if our daughter is only appreciated by close friends and some family members who likely feel pressured to support this collaborative project.”

Ek is attempting to get over the loss by treating himself to rolling around in his unholy amount of cash.

Twitch Streamer Rigged to Explode If Game Drops Below 30 FPS

Posted on by Jake Menez

LOS ANGELES — Professional streamer Sandra Cruz — known online as CruzControl2 — strapped a series of bombs to her livestream this of The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild this morning and was set to explode if it dropped below 30 frames per second.

“Say sike right now,” user Cyberspunk69 wrote in the chat while Cruz guided Link across an open field full of horses. “Ur crazy for trying this. Def gonna sub if u blow up tho.”

“I couldn’t even finish the game cuz the lag was so bad,” added DocStrangeluv just as the bomb beeped loudly in response to a momentary framerate drop. “But I’m definitely following to see what crazy shit she does next.”

People quickly began to watch the stream as word spread — by the third hour of the marathon stream, Cruz had amassed over three thousand viewers and nearly two hundred new subscribers to her profile. However, her excitement quickly transformed into a somber plea around the fourth hour of gameplay.

“Hey guys,” Cruz began as she addressed her audience. “I just want to thank you all for liking and subscribing; it means so much to me that you’re here. But is anybody here, like, good with bombs? I didn’t plan ahead how I was gonna take this thing off and I’m getting tired.”

Viewers in the chat responded with a variety of emoji as a tearful Cruz explained. 

“Yeah, I didn’t think this completely through. It’s just so hard to get followers on Twitch and so I thought maybe I’d do something exciting for people. But this is the third time I’ve done this bomb thing and the bomb squad isn’t returning my calls. Next time I’m definitely just going to scream my head off playing Among Us, like everybody else.”

At press time, horrified viewers were unable to look away from their screens as Cruz prepared to enter the Korok Forest.

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