Guy Considering Making Dragon Ball Z His Whole Thing

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

FORT COLLINS, Colo. — A local guy looking to mix things up has reportedly considered making Dragon Ball Z like his whole thing. 

“I think Dragon Ball Z would be a great fit for me,” said Colt Woodcock, who’s previous whole things have included Android phones, marijuana, and disliking the films of Christopher Nolan. “Because there is a video game, cards, clothes, just all kinds of shit that I can really commit to being ‘That guy that is into Dragon Ball Z.’  Watch the fuck out, Craig.” 

Many in the psychological community maintain that having a healthy whole thing can increase a person’s overall self esteem. 

 “The benefits of having a whole solid vibe are immeasurable,” said Faith Hawes, a psychologist that specializes in the studying of personalities. “Whether it be a sports team, Batman, or some podcast you listen to, it’s very important to one’s identity to just completely dive into whatever you’re into with both feet. Humans are complicated creatures, and very often deceitful. We spend so much time wondering about other people’s motivations and true feelings, that it can serve as a huge relief to meet someone and just know that, hey, this dude straight up loves Dragon Ball Z.”

Woodcock’s social circle was reportedly bracing for his new persona. 

“God, he’s burning right through them,” said Elliott Mathis, a friend of Woodcock’s. “Just two months ago he sold his home brewing supplies to buy a bunch of equipment for his new YouTube show about professional wrestling action figures and said he was going all in on that. So I’m guessing there won’t be any new episodes of Action Figure Four anytime soon, huh?”

As of press time, Woodcock was performing a Google image search of “DragonBall Z tattoos.”

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The Top 5 Comments on Hard Drive Articles This Week

Posted on by Owen Crowlie

This week you’ll be seeing a first for this column, dear readers, because for the first time I’ve found a comment that I want to present to you without any context as to what article they were responding to. Honestly, it feels less like a comment on the article and more like a confession:

What? 

Rachhhhhhhx is evolving!

Oh no! Rachhhhhhhx has severe anxiety!

Rachhhhhhhx learned COPING MECHANISMS. 

Meanwhile, one of our articles has inspired fierce intellectual debate between our readers…

It’s tempting to give into easy answers, but when I google ‘bandicoot,’ I don’t see any of these little marsupials wearing jeans — ripped or otherwise.  Wikipedia is for researching school papers, folks, not answering questions about video games. Let’s keep it that way.

If Crash Bandicoot 4 doesn’t end with Crash taking off his fursuit, Metroid style, then the developers are cowards. They’ve been teasing it for so long! Just look how he appears in ads: 

This is the real Crash Bandicoot, we just didn’t want to accept it.

In an attempt to be bipartisan, Democrats have allowed Trump another turn for the fifth time in a row. “What’s most important is to have decency,” said Democratic Senator Jacky Rosen. “Trump may be stooping low and breaking the rules, but if he asks us to read the walkthrough for him, we have the chance to be the bigger man and help him.”

Jesus Christ, I had to read so many comments about cockroaches in people’s consoles that it shook my faith gamers when my expectations were already so low. I am not sure I can ever look at the world the same way again; I’ve already opened my PC case as I’ve been writing this article. All I know is that the next Gamestop employee I meet, I am giving them whatever cash I have in my pocket and a salute for the hell we as gamers have put them through. It’s the only right thing to do.

Before you go off to throw your old PS2 in the fire, let me say thanks to everyone for their wonderful comments! If you want a chance to be featured in next week’s column, be sure to leave a comment on any of our posts across social media. Have a great week everyone!

Unsolicited Shoulder Massage Reveals You’re Really Tense

Posted on by Jessica Carreiro

VENICE BEACH, Calif. — Life coach and retired engineer Howard Boyd was seen at the outdoor seating area of the Living Room Cafe on Sunday afternoon repeatedly telling you to “breathe” and “relax” after appearing behind you to knead your shoulders in a deep, unsolicited massage, queasy witnesses reported.

“When I saw you sitting here keeping to yourself, I had a suspicion you needed one of my massages. And look at that — sooo much tension in your shoulders. Where’s that all coming from? Something going on at work? Home?” Boyd asked while digging his fingers into your back. “I’m a bit of an energy worker, so I know that when someone recoils from my touch and shouts, ‘The fuck are you doing?!’ they’re processing being embraced by light energy for the first time. That’s why I apply enough pressure to keep them grounded until they accept my energy.”

A barista on shift during the massage you never asked for described watching the encounter unfold from behind the bar.

“Oh, yeah… that guy’s here a lot. We call him ‘The Masseuse.’ He scopes the place out looking for the right ‘energy,’ which he always finds in someone hot. Then he throws back his espresso and just goes for it,” said the barista, Lizzette Noyes. “We try to intervene before he makes contact, or at least before he gets to the lower back, but we don’t always make it in time. I got there right as he was leaning down to whisper, ‘Mmmm, so tight’ in your ear.”

Boyd’s reiki and massage therapy instructor Pablo Jorgensen noted that Boyd is a common type of student for the class.

“We see a lot of students like Howard: vigorous learners, who are maybe a little too quick to ask if they can pick a partner from the class to practice with,” said Jorgensen. “Normally I appreciate the enthusiasm, but with certain students, you’re almost afraid of how that technique is going to be used outside the classroom. I really, really hoped he wouldn’t show up to my foot massage class, but he sat right up front and filmed the whole thing.”

Other Living Room patrons reported that after you asked Boyd to stop massaging you, he continued to spread his “energy” by telling women working on their laptops to smile more.

Opinion: “Halloween” is a Christmas Movie

Posted on by James Knapp

As I am a very clever and unique person, my favorite Christmas movie is, of course, totally non-traditional. But I’m not talking about some plebeian choice like “Die Hard.” No, my favorite Christmas movie is “Halloween.”

I wouldn’t expect any of you non-intellectuals to understand what I’m talking about. Right now I’m sure you’re all mouths agape like “what do you mean the John Carpenter classic film ‘Halloween’ is a Christmas movie?” Well maybe I can try to explain it to you; it might help if I don’t use any big words that’ll confuse you.

You see, Halloween is clearly an allegory for the resurrection of the Christ, with the character of the seven-foot-tall, mute serial murderer Michael Myers serving as a clever stand-in for Jesus. I’m actually surprised so few people have noticed this. I mean, Jesus Myers gets killed like six times in that movie and he always gets back up. Granted, he does kill like ten teenagers; but no one knows for sure that the king of kings didn’t have a body count as well. Wait, is Jesus resurrected on Christmas or Easter?

Okay, so maybe that isn’t it. But Halloween is definitely a Christmas movie, I just need to remember how this made sense when I was stoned.

Maybe Myers is more of a metaphor for Christmas’s pagan origins fighting back against the corporatization of the holiday. That’s probably something, right? I mean, Michael only kills hedonistic, sexually liberated young townies so… on second thought maybe the teenagers are the pagans. Fuck it. That’s nothing.

I swear this made way more sense in my head before I started writing it out. It’s probably that it’s just way too clever to even put into words. Yeah, that’s it. How the hell did this work?

Krampus! Michael Myers is Krampus. No one can debate that. He’s going around punishing people because they… uh… got high? Were irresponsible babysitters? Had hospital hot tub sex…maybe? Look, nobody said the Krampus legend made sense either, so I think this is as close as we’re gonna get.

Well, there you have it. Halloween is a Christmas movie. I’d like to see any of you goonie “Die Hard” fans try to top that one.

Lengthy Text Calling Out Parent’s Racism Changed to “haha” at Last Minute

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

LITTLE ROCK, Ark. — Local millennial David Hickman Jr. very nearly sent his father a lengthy, impassioned explanation yesterday of why his allegedly “harmless jokes” about race were extremely problematic, before ultimately deleting every word and simply sending, “haha.”

“My dad’s not a hateful person, but it’s like his sense of humor never evolved past a Henny Youngman joke book from 70 years ago. And ever since he learned to text, I’m inundated with jokes about what would happen if a Jew and Chinese guy walked into a bar, or memes of Trump arresting Dora the Explorer,” said Hickman Jr. “I really am going to confront him about it… it’s just, whenever I think it might be a good time, I remember I also need to ask to borrow money.”

For his part, David Hickman Sr. insisted he’s “just goofin” and that his jokes are “no big deal.”

“When did everyone get so sensitive? Back in my day, people were allowed to joke around without the PC police taking you downtown. I’m not a bigot — I hate everyone equally,” Hickman Sr. said before heartily laughing at his own joke. “I’m sure glad my son isn’t one of these ‘woke types’ with no sense of humor. In fact, I probably wouldn’t text him so often, but he seems to really get a kick out of all my jokes.”

Family psychologist Dr. Aamir Hoffman recommended a more unorthodox approach for confronting parents over problematic behavior.

“While, yes, it is on all of us to call out racism, Baby Boomers are simply lost causes, and we will all be better off when they finally die,” said Hoffman. “And while murder is certainly illegal, there’s no law saying you can’t gently push them in the right direction. For instance, we could convince Boomers seatbelts are a liberal hoax. Or — and although it’s unproven that drinking from aluminum cans can cause dementia — it certainly wouldn’t hurt to ply them with Diet Coke. At least it’ll make them fat and immobile, right?”

Currently, Hickman Jr. is choosing a date after Christmas 2022 but long before his family’s summer vacation to confront his dad about his casual racism and his mom about her incessant “Minions” memes.

Study Reveals Men 90% More Likely To Believe in Astrology if You’re Hot

Posted on by Courtney Baka

A recent study conducted by the Institute for the Advanced Study of Sociology revealed that men are upwards of 90% more likely to believe in astrology if the woman presenting said astrology is, in fact, an absolute fucking smokeshow.

“We expected there to be a correlation,” study coordinator James Phillips said. “Historically, the opinions of attractive people are held to far less scrutiny than the beliefs held by those whose faces resemble a punchable pile of shit.”

The study, as described by Phillips, was relatively simple. Male test subjects were presented with astrological information regarding their own birth charts by two different astrologers. Next, they were asked to rate what percentage of the reading they believed to be accurate.

“When the information was presented by a large, hairy male astrologer, nearly every subject displayed complete disinterest,” sighed Phillips who, during the experiment, played the part of ‘hairy astrologer’ despite not volunteering for the role. “However, when that same information was presented by an astrologer scientifically categorized as ‘attractive’—a term I now find quite subjective—the subjects were not only interested, but willing to modify their entire belief system.”

Amazing! And these findings were just the beginning. We learned even more from some subjects during our post-experiment interview.

“It’s crazy,” said research participant Alex Kirkland. “I always thought astrology was a bunch of bullshit. Then I met that hot lady. She said I have Venus in Scorpio, which is very dark and sexual. She said it probably makes me a very passionate lover. I didn’t believe in this stuff before but that’s, like, totally me.”

Punk House Cat Turns Out to be Opossum

Posted on by Jason VanSlycke

SACRAMENTO — Local punk house staple and thought to be beloved cat GG Mewollin is actually an opossum, veterinary sources confirmed.

“GG is a fucking badass cat — she’d rather rummage through the trash than eat that bougie fancy cat food,” said Stephanie Bayat, GG’s main caretaker. “But I guess the fact that she’s a nocturnal marsupial makes more sense: she chews off all her collars, and likes hissing a lot. When GG had her babies, she wouldn’t let me near them and even made this DIY pouch-thing to keep them in. What a cool kitty.”

The discovery was made after GG and the nine babies clinging to her back were admitted for a spay appointment, where they were instantly identified by veterinary staff and every dog in the waiting room as opossums.

“This isn’t uncommon, especially with such bad lighting in punk houses,” said veterinary assistant Lynn Harjo. “A few times a month I have to tell some poor kids that they’ve been keeping things like opossums, raccoons, or even very large rats in the house. I find that calling it a ‘poser cat’ makes it easier for them to take the news. Oftentimes, they choose to keep the opossum, and all we can do is simply encourage them to not take it to protests or court dates.”

After arriving home from the vet, a house meeting was called to figure out how to opossum-proof their living quarters to help GG be more comfortable.

“We learned that opossums don’t like bright lights, which sucks because we have all the windows covered in foil. And they don’t like loud noises, which is cool because Stephanie sold her drum kit to pay off her parking tickets,” said roommate Kim McHale. “Apparently, they’re not supposed to drink alcohol, which is news to me — GG Meowlin loves whiskey, so we’ll meet in the middle and make sure she doesn’t drink anything stronger than a craft beer.”

At press time, GG Meowllin was chewing into a childproof container of weed while ignoring the brand new catnip toy next to her, like the badass she is.

Trump Criticized for Diverting Funding From Everybody Votes Channel to Check Mii Out

Posted on by Giovanni Colantonio

WASHINGTON D.C. — President Donald Trump is facing criticism from Democratic leaders after announcing plans to divert funding from the Nintendo Wii’s Everybody Votes channel to Check Mii Out just weeks before the election.

“Everybody Votes? Let me tell you, it’s a sham, believe me,” Trump told reporters outside the White House. “It doesn’t work and the people, they don’t even want it, okay? So I said, enough with the voting, let’s put the money into what the people want. And they tell me, what they want is to see more of my Miis. The people, they love my Miis, can’t get enough.”

According to White House aides, Trump considers the Everybody Votes channel “totally rigged” and intends to throw it out entirely. He hopes to permanently replace the voting app with Check Mii Out, which gives Wii owners the option to click a big “I like it!” button to show approval for his Mii.

“Look, the channel is a hot bed for voter fraud,” said Senator Lindsey Graham. “I’ve heard stories of people registering their deceased family members’ Miis so they can vote up to six times. We can’t ensure that critical decisions like “What’s the best condiment?” are decided fairly unless we take away people’s right to vote. That’s the cornerstone of democracy.”

Detractors criticized the funding move, calling it a vanity project for the President. Several house Democrats have grown concerned that it opens the door for Trump to enact more radical measures like resurrecting Miitomo.

“This President has once again shown a blatant disregard for Americans,” said Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi. “This is the same President who defunded the Wii Weather channel, because it showed the country was experiencing unusually warm temperatures. If he gets his way, he’ll come for the News channel next.”

Undeterred by criticism, Trump celebrated with his first public Mii Parade, featuring Trump’s avatar matching alongside a sea of Adolf Hitler Miis, which he claimed to know nothing about.

Like this article? Check out our podcast! The Hard Drive Podcast is available on all podcast apps.

Game About Inescapable Hellscape Really Resonating With People Right Now For Some Reason

Posted on by Mo Mozuch

SAN JOSE, Calif. — Developers at Supergiant Games reportedly cannot pinpoint why their hit game Hades, about a man attempting over and over again to escape the depths of the underworld, has resonated so hard with fans the last few months.

“For some reason our game about relentless, futile attempts to navigate through literal pits of despair is connecting with audiences,” Supergiant Creative Director Greg Kasavin said. “It’s quite a surprise to be honest. We thought this game would tank, not soar to immediate word of mouth must-buy status.”

Kasavin explained that, although the game features fantastic level design, innovative progression mechanics and a narrative that both honors and subverts tropes within Greek mythology, the team felt it would be too depressing to really catch on. Early in development they contemplated taking a more hopeful tone.

“We thought maybe it would be better to give people some save points or introduce happier levels that would be like a break. A few fig trees would’ve been nice,” said Kasavin. “I think we decided we had come too far in the process and couldn’t turn back. None of us really understand it. Why are audiences identifying with the concept of starting each day in a fresh hell populated by familiar faces who seem resigned to fate but stay honor-bound to their mission of making you exponentially more miserable?”

Compounding the studio’s confusion is the surge they saw in Nintendo Switch sales, a console designed to go anywhere and everywhere with ease. For Kasavin, the prospect of toiling against existential uselessness seemed best suited to PC.

“I mean, sitting in an unlit room bent over a PC is how we imagined the experience should be. We never figured people would carry a device from room to room glued to a tiny screen that delivers nothing but a constant stream of disappointment and brutality,” he said. “It’s hard to imagine people doing that to themselves in their free time.”

Kasavin closed the interview by reaffirming that he had no idea why Hades was one of the top selling games of September 2020, the hottest September in Earth’s recorded history.

Like this article? Check out our podcast! The Hard Drive Podcast is available on all podcast apps.

Nintendo Confirms Dry Bones is Uncircumcised for Some Reason

Posted on by Giovanni Colantonio

KYOTO, Japan — In a new interview with Famitsu, Nintendo President Shuntaro Furukawa inexplicably veered off topic to confirm that Mario villain Dry Bones is indeed uncircumcised.

“Before we discuss Hyrule Warriors, I’d like to say one thing,” Furukawa told the reporter. “You know Dry Bones, the delightful skeleton koopa from Super Mario Bros. that falls apart when you jump on him? His penis was not altered in any way at birth. The whole thing is still in one piece. I hope this clears up any confusion fans have had over the past three decades.”

Furukawa tried to turn the conversation back to Hyrule Warriors: Age of Calamity, but Famitsu reporter Matsuo Totoya pressed Furukawa further, seemingly baffled by the implication that Dry Bones has foreskin at all.

“Wait, wait, let’s back up,” a bewildered Totoya responded. “Mr. Furukawa, Dry Bones is a skeleton koopa, is he not? By his very nature, he has no skin at all. I would believe that a living koopa would still have their foreskin intact, but surely Dry Bones’ penis is just one big bone.”

The two went on to have a long discussion about the mechanics of koopa anatomy. At one point, Furukawa explained that doctors originally tried to circumcise Dry Bones when he was born, but his foreskin immediately reformed onto his body a few seconds after being removed.

“This is only partially true,” said Dry Bones creator Shigeru Miyamoto when asked for confirmation. “Dry Bones was first introduced in Super Mario Bros. 3, which we all know is actually a play. So it is more accurate to say that the actor portraying Dry Bones in that game is uncircumcised, you see? The Dry Bones in Mario Tennis Aces has been cut.”

When asked if the announcement is at all related to Nintendo’s previous comments that Waluigi is uncircumcised, Miyamoto declined to respond, noting that no one in the company gives a shit about Waluigi anymore and were all in on Dry Bones now.

Like this article? Check out our podcast! The Hard Drive Podcast is available on all podcast apps.

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