Colynemery, Author at HARDTIMES

For Sale. 235 Reusable Grocery Bags. Never Used.

Posted on October 23, 2020 by Patrick Coyne

Every environmentally-minded millennial knows the pain of forgetting their reusable grocery bag. Unfortunately, it’s just too easy to buy a new one once you’re at the store. You think, “who gives a flying fudge, it’s five bucks! Plus, using these bags totally saves the rainforest and halts climate change.” But after forgetting your bags once a week for years, the impact on your wallet can really add up.

Sure, I could just leave my reusable bags in the back seat but I don’t want to junk up my Mazda. Besides, that’s where I keep the spare batteries I chuck out of my car every time I cross a bridge.

Since it’s become abundantly clear that I am incapable of remembering to ever bring a reusable bag when grocery shopping, I am now putting my entire, near-mint collection up for sale. Seeing as how the bags cost me 5 bucks a pop, I’m thinking I could part with these bad boys for no less than $2,000. And yes, you must buy all of the bags. They are a complete set and they will not be broken up.

I tried to save the environment when I originally purchased these, therefore I am a very good person. Sure, technically a reusable bag requires more material and energy to create than paper. They actually have a bigger environmental impact, especially when you take into account having to buy a new one every single trip to Whole Foods.

The point is, one of you lucky ducks can be the proud owner of a fresh collection of reusable bags all for the low, low price of two grand. I’m not saying you’ll kill mother nature if you don’t buy these bags, but why risk it? Decrease your canvas footprint today.

Impassioned Facebook Departure Announcement Seen by Dozens of People Who Cannot Recall How in the Fuck They Know This Person

Posted on October 23, 2020 by Krissy Howard

SHERIDAN, Wyo. — A heartfelt and impassioned announcement from Facebook user Glenn Davies today left dozens scratching their heads wondering how in the fuck they ever connected with that guy, disaffected sources report.

“The close friendships I’ve developed and maintained on my social media platforms mean a lot to me, and as much as I would love to stay connected and keep everyone up to date on my life, I need to do what’s best for me and take a step back,” said Davies, who the majority of people scrolling through cannot recall ever meeting. “It’s an abrupt departure, and I owe it to everyone to send myself off properly… which can only be done with a 250-word, multi-paragraph goodbye in which I only talk about myself and my dog, who is a rescue.”

Those exposed to the announcement were largely unamused and at least as disengaged as they had been for the duration of their entire online relationship.

“I feel like I probably worked with him at some point within the last 16 years, or maybe I dated one of his roommates when I lived in Seattle… or maybe I used to see him at a poetry open mic? I have no fucking clue. I actually already forgot his name, which I read for the first time yesterday,” said Rose Tilley-Kranz, who read exactly two words of the intimate post. “He actually slipped so far under the radar that I hadn’t even unfollowed him over the years. Hope whatever he was talking about works out, I guess.”

Despite the general disinterest in the gratuitous goodbye, some took the news rather hard.

“I have absolutely no idea who Glenn is, but fortunately, thank God, I was able to take a look at his profile before he deletes it, and I really regret not doing so sooner,” said Facebook user and generally lonely person Daryl Calderon. “I just wish he gave all of us a real shot, and it didn’t end before we really got a chance to see if it could have been a real Facebook friendship. At least, not like this.”

Davies was last seen drafting an even longer statement, explaining to his devoted followers why he’s decided to stay on Facebook after all.

Opinion: I’m Whichever Gender Gets Me the Most Poon Tang

Posted on October 23, 2020 by Freelancer

It’s not my job to educate you. It’s your job to stop being ignorant. I understand that it’s easier for you to divide everyone you meet into two categories and call it a day but not everyone conforms to your narrow-ass view. I didn’t tell you my preferred pronouns so don’t call me a man and don’t call me a woman, either. Don’t get me wrong, I am absolutely a cis, hetero man and I will punch anyone who says otherwise. But I will say I am whichever gender lands me the most high-grade, sopping-wet trim.

I’ll say it again. It is not my job to educate you. It’s my job to always be absolutely be crushing it, vag-wise.

I’m sorry but the world doesn’t fit into concepts as absolute as black and white, and people definitely don’t all fit into just “male” or “female.” There’s like nine genders, dude. Or maybe twelve, I forget. Which one am I? I’m the one that’s absolutely slick with it, 24/7.

You’re calling me “man” because it makes you comfortable. You look at me and that’s what you see. But is that how I see myself? Maybe. But is that how the hot chick with the fishnets over there needs to see me in order to want to bang me? Who knows? So shut the fuck up, bro!

I’m sorry I don’t fit into your binary system of categorizing your fellow human beings! Do you want everyone to wear name tags for you, or something?! If that person there wore a sticker that read “Hello, I am a man” and that one there read “Hello, I am a woman” and mine read “Hello, I am up to my neck in wet hot poonany,” that would help you out a lot, huh? Well, get over yourself.

Look, it’s simple. If a girl I like says she’s not a girl but is another thing instead, I’m that thing too. And no, it doesn’t have to be the exact same other thing every time! It’s not lying. It’s called being fluid, bro. I mean, not like “gender-” fluid unless, of course, that’s the thing the most babes are into. In which case, yes, that. So, what exactly is so confusing to you?

Privileged Rude Boy Has Never Had To Knock On Wood

Posted on October 23, 2020 by Rob Steinberg

DALLAS — Local Rude Boy Rodney Willet acknowledged his privilege to the world yesterday by confessing that in his years on Earth, he’s never once had to knock on wood and he’s glad he hasn’t yet.

“I’ve never really been close to tragedy, and I’m rarely ever close to those who have. I’ve certainly known a few people who have had to knock on wood, but they weren’t really in my inner circle. So everything about them I heard second hand,” said Willet from his University Park home painted in a checkerboard pattern. “I know there are some people who think I’m a coward, but I’ve simply never been tested. If such a test were to happen, I’d like to think I would pass, but honestly I’m afraid of what I might find out.”

Willet’s few non-ska friends are generally confused why his obsession with knocking on wood was such a big deal to begin with.

“I guess Rodney has led a pretty blessed life when I think back. He’s never really had the odds stacked up against him… probably because his dad is a cop, and his mom is a district attorney, so he basically has a few get out of jail free cards,” said longtime friend Cassandra O’Malley. “I haven’t been so lucky in my life. I’m constantly knocking on wood and let down because it doesn’t do shit. The world doesn’t give you a pass just because you punched some maple.”

Betty Summers, author of the book “Rude Privilege: Born Already Picking It Up,” has tried to educate people about this advantage.

“My mother was born of ska, and my father was born of crust punk — I grew up in both backgrounds while the kids would tease me, calling me names like ‘Crack Rock Steady Betty.’ Seeing both sides, I can assure you there’s a reason only ska fans are seen wearing those nice suits and pork pie hats,” said Summers. “I lead seminars teaching rude boys what it’s like to knock on wood for a better understanding of what most people are going through on a day to day basis.”

In a testament to her success, after taking the seminar, Willet was seen telling his friends to stop messing around, think of their futures, and straighten right out.

Swarm of Locusts Land on Trump’s Head For Two Whole Minutes During Debate

Posted on October 22, 2020 by Bobby Korec

NASHVILLE, Tenn. — A belligerent swarm of locusts unexpectedly stormed the presidential debate stage on Thursday landing directly on Donald Trump’s head and remaining there unnoticed by the commander-in-chief for a whole two minutes, witnesses reported.

“We actually had ‘swarm of locusts’ listed in our presidential debate drinking game, so we were well-prepared when it happened,” said Jessica Ladroferd watching with her roommates. “However, we didn’t account for them staying on his head for 120 seconds, and the rules clearly stated that we had to keep pounding drinks until they flew away. Long story short, we’re absolutely hammered right now. Also, can you believe Trump rudely interrupted the moderator when she tried to tell him something possibly diabolical was in his hair? Actually, wait. I can believe it.”

Others were not so nonchalant about the strange occurrence.

“This has major biblical implications written all over it,” said local pastor John Scountrel. “Biblically speaking, locusts are a sign from God that civilization deserves a plague and famine, and maybe in modern day that translates to something like COVID-19 and rampant home evictions under this administration. But as an evangelical Christian who just happens to be conservative, I take this as a sign that Donald Trump is the chosen one. After all, God works in mysterious ways that somehow always reinforces my beliefs.”

Experts were quick to find a scientific reason for the bizarre incident.

“Generally, locusts get pretty psyched about crops and vegetation and simply can’t help themselves,” said entomologist Mary Trevasy. “So this swarm going after Trump’s head actually makes total sense considering his hair follicles share a striking resemblance to the dead bristles on a husk of corn or a field of decaying barley and wheat crops. The swarm just mistook his hair for something edible. Kind of like during the VP debate when that fly misread Mike Pence’s head for rotting flesh. Nature isn’t perfect.”

After the debate, Trump implied that he knew the locusts were on his head the whole time and promised to provide federal funding to any farmers who might’ve lost autumn harvests as a result, but only if he was reelected and they said nice things about him.

We’re Done With Waluigi. From Now On, We’re All In on Dry Bones

Posted on October 22, 2020 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

We here at Hard Drive, but also we as a culture, have spent a lot of time focusing on Nintendo’s scraggly purple stick man, Waluigi. Waluigi is fun. He’s a twist on a twist on Mario, the most iconic video game character of all time. Waluigi represents a wicked sense of humor, frustration at not being included in the cool Bros club, and loving tennis. He’s also purple, which as we all know, is the color of royalty.

But all things must resolve, and as the world continues to change, so must our video game culture; Waluigi’s time in the spotlight must come to an end.

From now on, Hard Drive will be 100% all in on Dry Bones. We’re balls-to-the-walls Dry Bones. We’re a Dry Bones stan website.

Dry Bones looks deep into our souls with his beady little yellow eyes. What’s inside of this skeleton boy? A big heart, that’s for sure.

What is Dry Bones? Relegated to just one line of information on the Wikipedia page for “Characters In The Mario Franchise” under “Recurring enemies,” Dry Bones is a skeleton Koopa Troopa that reassembles itself after being hit. But he’s also much more than that.

Dry Bones is a tennis player. He’s a go-kart racer. He’s a friend.

If there’s one thing we know about Dry Bones, it’s that he loves to hang. Canonically, Dry Bones just goes wild for hanging with his boys. He may be dead (?), but he keeps his buds’ spirits alive.

We all know Dry Bones for his coy, sharp wit, but he also has a softer side. Here is a short list of things that we like about Dry Bones:

He is a spooky skeleton man year-round. Halloween doesn’t end for Dry Bones.
He is a non-speaking Bowser minion who got elevated to tennis and go-kart friend level. Big moves!
Sometimes he has wings, like an adorable angel of death.
He’s the kind of mild-mannered skeleton who still feels the need to wear shoes and gloves.
He reminds us that, when you get knocked down, all you have to do is reassemble yourself and get back up again. He is the living embodiment of the song “Tubthumping”.
He implies that bones are wet, which, for the most part, they are.
His name kind of sounds like a different version of the term “dry hump.”

At the end of the day, Dry Bones represents a world of possibility for our culture. Waluigi’s reign has been good for us all, but if we want other characters to be able to expand their skeleton bodies of work, we need to make the space for them to do so. We need to be proactive about our efforts to give them that room. And sometimes, we have to say goodbye to our good friends for a while.

So goodbye, Waluigi. We’ll meet again one day, I’m sure. But just as 2013 was The Year of Luigi, November 2020 and beyond begins the Era of Dry Bones. Long live Dry Bones. If Dry Bones isn’t added to Smash Bros this DLC pack, I’ll kill myself, etc.

Like this article? Check out our podcast! The Hard Drive Podcast is available on all podcast apps.

Tim Cook Announces “We Decided to Make the iPhone Worse This Time”

Posted on October 22, 2020 by Hard Drive Staff

CUPERTINO, Calif. — Apple CEO Tim Cook astonished Silicon Valley with a promise to disregard customers’ high expectations at this week’s iPhone press event.

“Every year we pride ourselves in releasing our best iPhone yet,” said Cook, who took on the mantle of CEO in 2011. “But this year we’re gonna get jazzy with it. We decided to make the iPhone worse this time.” The move surprised industry experts and sent the company stock into violent upward and downward shifts that have yet to settle.

“Today we are excited to introduce the iPhone Zero,” said the Alabama native. “Next year we’ll do a good one, this is something we had to get out of our systems.”

The new phone comes with hardware and software updates that will be immediately noticeable to longtime users. Said Senior VP of Hardware Engineering Dan Riccio, “We took all the cameras off. Who the fuck are you?”

“We removed the cameras to make room for the Sharp Part,” he explained. “It’s a new part on the back of the Zero that’ll really cut up your shit if you aren’t careful. So watch out.”

Riccio also detailed the iPhone Zero’s new always-ringing technology, blasting the classic iPhone default ringtone and vibrating in your pocket “whether you’re checking your email on the train to work, out for a jog, and getting in touch with your loved ones.”

Cook then returned to the stage with more updates: “Each year we unveil the fastest iPhone ever. The Zero just uses whatever processors we had lying around. It might be fast. It might be pretty slow. Whatever, you’ll learn to deal with it.”

“But this isn’t just old technology. New cutting-edge sensors allow Siri to know when you’re afraid, and rest assured she will absolutely use that information to manipulate you,” he continued.

Every Zero will be uniquely configured to get either very hot or very cold. The phone will come preloaded with both seasons of The Cosby Mysteries at no extra charge. Finally, the Zero introduces a new standard of charging cable, but in keeping with Apple’s environmentally-friendly packaging, it will not be included.

Cook concluded the controversial Apple Event by announcing changes to Apple’s flagship stores. Said Cook, “starting today we are replacing our famous Genius Bar with just a bunch of real dumbasses.”

The iPhone Zero will retail for $1199.

Like this article? Check out our podcast! The Hard Drive Podcast is available on all podcast apps.

Opinion: When They Go Low, We Go High and Do Absolutely Nothing To Stop Them

Posted on October 22, 2020 by Bobby Korec

As card-carrying Democrats, it’s important that we always take the moral high ground in response to our opposition’s reprehensible actions. We must not sink to their level. Ever. And if that means never holding them accountable whatsoever, then honestly, that’s fine with us.

For instance, when Republicans pull some slimeball move like pushing through a Supreme Court justice appointee 30 days before the presidential election despite hypocritically denying our party’s nominee during Obama’s term, it is absolutely critical we show restraint and grace. We cannot, under any circumstances, afford to put up any type of fight or dissension, lest we come off like them: amoral, conniving, effective.

You might also notice that conservatives pose wildly inaccurate straw man arguments about us and we have no choice but to let them. With our head held high, of course. We wouldn’t want to sink to their level by publicly defending our stance.

So when the Republican party makes false claims like that we want to abolish the suburbs, worship Satan in the classroom, and force mandatory abortions on already-born children who don’t stand up fast enough when the anthem plays, we tow the party line. We gracefully keep our mouths shut, smile without making eye contact, and say nothing to correct them or clarify our nuanced position. Remember to always show dignity and to always, always back down at the first sign of opposition.

The American people deserve a party who won’t back down from a performative gesture either, no matter how out of touch we look. So when wealthy Republicans and corporations pay no taxes, Democrat leaders simply must come together and tweet, “somebody should do something about this.” Wow. We are nearly as graceful as we are ineffective. We might even make a catchy hashtag.

I also apply this philosophy to my daily life. When someone blatantly cuts me in line, I ask them politely to go to the end of the line. When they ultimately spit in my face, I’m forced to go high, back down, and offer to reimburse them for any inconvenience I might have caused them. That’s elegance, baby.

Sure, there might be some drawbacks to this technique. For instance, it allows Republicans to control the narrative almost all the time. Is that so bad though? Fighting for what we believe in all the time is exhausting.

After all, public service can be scary with all these meanie politicians. But don’t give in to the urge to fight fire with fire. Instead, fight fire with the gentle breeze of just standing there, swaying.

We must win this war. And we are at war. The #warofpassiveaggression. Hey, there it is!

REPORT: Mr. Fucking Big Shot Over Here Showers Every Morning Before Work

Posted on October 22, 2020 by Patrick Coyne

ST. PAUL, Minn. — Local man and alleged “Dove Soap-loving jagoff” Dan Paulson thinks he’s “king shit of hygiene town” all because he wakes up early enough before work to shower each morning, slightly pungent sources confirmed.

“My friends were getting on my case because I work a regular office job and I’ve never wiped my ass with a beach towel I found in the woods — that’s when I accidentally let it slip that I shower every day,” said Paulson. “They started calling me ‘your highness’ and ‘Captain Shower’ and asking if I wash my plates before I reuse them, too. Apparently I’m considered a ‘lace curtain fuck’ because I never got athlete’s foot so bad it made a dermatologist vomit.”

Friend Tamantha Kramer explained how Paulson’s regular showers are just the latest example of him “big-timing.”

“Well, if it isn’t Mr. fucking Clean, here to grace us with his pleasant aromas and freshly scrubbed balls. La-dee-freaking-da,” said Kramer. “He thinks he’s so great just because he’s never been forcibly deloused. What’s he showering every day for, anyway? It’s like, you ain’t the queen of England, bro. And you know, technically, I shower every day too: assuming a ‘whore’s bath’ in the Dress Barn bathroom counts as a shower.”

However, Paulson’s coworker Ernest Webb stressed that despite showering before every shift, Paulson was far from sanitary.

“Woah, woah, woah — wait a minute. So Dan showering everyday makes him the pinnacle of cleanliness? And on top of that, his friends are making fun of him for it? What kind of Pigpen from ‘Peanuts’ bullshit is this?” said Webb. “Dan is far from ‘clean.’ I once caught him eating a can of corn with his bare hands and using the water cooler to wash off. And I realize he thinks being vegan means he’s incapable of producing body odor, but speaking as someone who works three cubicles away, the dude needs some goddamn Old Spice.”

Paulson has since been excommunicated from his friend group after admitting he knows what a Waterpik is, even though he doesn’t own one.

I’m a Very Intuitive Empath and I Can Literally Feel How Much I Annoy You

Posted on October 22, 2020 by Dan Kozuh

I have always been sensitive to the emotions of people around me. When a baby cries, I cry. When someone is hurt, I hurt. When a performer bombs on stage, I feel like I bombed on stage. And even right now, I am feeling your annoyance at the fact that I haven’t shut up about being an empath for the last half hour.

Every time you roll your eyes when I tell you that my empathy allows me to communicate with animals, I feel like I want to roll my eyes. That is how in tune I am to your energy. I get this weird electric buzzing feeling all over my skin and I kinda wanna punch myself in the face. Isn’t that exactly how you feel? Isn’t that weird?!

For hours after we have hung out, I get this overwhelming feeling that I never want to text, call, or meet up with myself ever again. I get this weird urge to tell myself to just get over myself, which is weird because I typically love myself. As you know. It always takes an hour of mindfulness meditation to cleanse myself of your energy. Have I told you about meditation? Oh, I have? Well let me explain again.

I am getting the vibe now that you think if I am such an intuitive person, how come I am not picking up on your rather obvious cues that I should shut up? Because I know more about you than you do about yourself. You are putting on this shell of frustration and displeasure because you are afraid of accepting my loving kindness.

That’s ok, I get it. Not everyone is as grounded as I am to handle my, for lack of a better word, super power. Do I wish I wasn’t born with this preternatural ability? Maybe. But I have come to understand that feeling others’ feelings is a blessing, not a curse and I can use this talent to help people and possibly change the world. Also it gives me something to talk about with other people all of the time, always.

I am sensing that you want to pick up the tab for this meal.

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