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Tim Cook Announces “We Decided to Make the iPhone Worse This Time”

CUPERTINO, Calif. — Apple CEO Tim Cook astonished Silicon Valley with a promise to disregard customers’ high expectations at this week’s iPhone press event.

“Every year we pride ourselves in releasing our best iPhone yet,” said Cook, who took on the mantle of CEO in 2011. “But this year we’re gonna get jazzy with it. We decided to make the iPhone worse this time.” The move surprised industry experts and sent the company stock into violent upward and downward shifts that have yet to settle.

“Today we are excited to introduce the iPhone Zero,” said the Alabama native. “Next year we’ll do a good one, this is something we had to get out of our systems.”

The new phone comes with hardware and software updates that will be immediately noticeable to longtime users. Said Senior VP of Hardware Engineering Dan Riccio, “We took all the cameras off. Who the fuck are you?”

“We removed the cameras to make room for the Sharp Part,” he explained. “It’s a new part on the back of the Zero that’ll really cut up your shit if you aren’t careful. So watch out.”

Riccio also detailed the iPhone Zero’s new always-ringing technology, blasting the classic iPhone default ringtone and vibrating in your pocket “whether you’re checking your email on the train to work, out for a jog, and getting in touch with your loved ones.”

Cook then returned to the stage with more updates: “Each year we unveil the fastest iPhone ever. The Zero just uses whatever processors we had lying around. It might be fast. It might be pretty slow. Whatever, you’ll learn to deal with it.”

“But this isn’t just old technology. New cutting-edge sensors allow Siri to know when you’re afraid, and rest assured she will absolutely use that information to manipulate you,” he continued.

Every Zero will be uniquely configured to get either very hot or very cold. The phone will come preloaded with both seasons of The Cosby Mysteries at no extra charge. Finally, the Zero introduces a new standard of charging cable, but in keeping with Apple’s environmentally-friendly packaging, it will not be included.

Cook concluded the controversial Apple Event by announcing changes to Apple’s flagship stores. Said Cook, “starting today we are replacing our famous Genius Bar with just a bunch of real dumbasses.”

The iPhone Zero will retail for $1199.

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