Colynemery, Author at HARDTIMES

Liam Gallagher Finally Agrees to Meeting With Estranged Brother Following Positive COVID-19 Diagnosis

Posted on October 22, 2020 by The Hard Times Staff

LONDON — Oasis founding member Liam Gallagher has tested positive for COVID-19, and is finally willing to reconcile with his brother Noel as long as it happens within the next 14 days, shocked sources confirmed.

“I think now is the time for us to bury the hatchet and move forward,” wheezed the younger Gallagher. “I just want to make sure that when we finally get together, it’s in a tiny room with no ventilation. I want to get there early so I can really get a feel for the space, and when Noel arrives, I’ll show him how much I care by kissing him right on his lips and breathing up his nose. I even have the tambourine he hit me with in Los Angeles — I want to give that to him as a peace offering after I’ve wiped as much mucus as I can around the edges.”

For his part, Noel is unmotivated to meet with his brother despite the non-stop texts, calls, and emails asking that they reconnect.

“That twat is probably just hard up for money and wants to beg me to play a reunion show,” said Noel from his home. “I heard Liam has had some health problems, and if I’m being perfectly honest, I wouldn’t mind seeing him again, as long as he’s in a pine box. The bugger won’t leave it alone, though — I have him blocked on Instagram, but he keeps making fake profiles and DMing me. It’s a real pain in me arse. If he keeps harassing my kids, I will find him and I will bring my cricket bat.”

Medical professionals around the globe admitted that it’s obviously dangerous for the brothers to reunite at the moment, but still hold out hope for a happy ending.

“They both need to stop being such pricks and think about their fans,” said epidemiologist Dr. Emily Winston. “Noel, quit being a little bitch; Liam, get healthy and then stop being a little bitch. I almost saw Oasis live in 1998 but the show was canceled when those two assholes fought backstage, and it was supposedly all because Noel’s jeans were a bit bluer than Liam’s and it sent them both into a rage.”

“I take it all back,” she added. “Maybe they should make up now and both die together.”

Despite some Oasis fans still holding out hope for a peaceful reunion, the consensus amongst fans of The Smiths is they hope Morrissey dies sooner than later.

GameStop Introduces Curbside Pestering

Posted on October 21, 2020 by Mark Roebuck

GRAPEVINE, Texas — As the COVID-19 pandemic continues with no signs of slowing down, GameStop has announced that its patented insufferable brand of customer service will now be offered to customers who do not wish to enter the physical space of a store.

“Wow, they’ve obviously overhauled their curbside experience,” said Leanne Key, after picking up a game at the location she’s been frequenting for years. “Up until recently they’d been doing a standard outside pick up, which was fine. Honestly, just perfect. But now a guy just spent five minutes trying me to join various programs and pre-order different games and systems. He got in my passenger seat and started talking about Game Informer magazine. What the fuck?”

The curbside pestering has been added to the contactless pickup system they implemented like many other retailers at the onset of the coronavirus outbreak, in an effort to boost slowing sales. The company hopes that the resumed practice of badgering every last customer of theirs will help them battle online storefronts, which can offer none of the irritations of an in person GameStop experience.

“It’s time to start getting back to normal,” said GameStop CEO George Sherman. “So that means while taking the proper precautions, of course, our sales associates can now once again completely overcomplicate the process of purchasing a video game. I know it’s a pain in the ass, but come on man, let us have this. They’re getting rid of discs, we have like a year tops before we’re a bunch of Cricket stores or vape shops, I don’t see what the harm is.”

GameStop employees have largely easily resumed many of their old working habits, much to the reported annoyance of customers nationwide.

“I’m sorry to hear I was bothering her,” said Otto O’Connell, the employee who assisted and pestered Ms. Key. “But I just figured since she was picking up Mario 3D All Stars she might also be interested in pre-ordering Super Mario 3D Land or maybe becoming a Pro Player Member and getting an extra fifteen percent on all future trade ins or maybe these cool Mario pajamas or a refurbished Nintendo Wii U, oh and right now if you buy three Funko Pops or Amiibos you can … I’m really sorry, what had you asked me?“

As of press time, Ms. Key had agreed to purchase a year’s subscription to Gamestop’s rewards program in exchange for O’Connell exiting her vehicle.

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$1 Mobile App Better Change Buyer’s Life Forever at That Price

Posted on October 21, 2020 by Jimmy Beliakoff

LOS ANGELES — Dave Gordon expressed skepticism at purchasing a $1 app on his phone unless it would bring lifelong, universal positive change to his existence.

“I just don’t see why I would fork over that fortune for anything that won’t single-handedly make my life better in every way for the rest of time,” Gordon was heard saying at a local artisan coffee joint between sips of an americano that cost roughly three times more than the app in question. “How can they even justify charging so much when there are free apps sitting right there on the next tab over? Does it look like I’m made of fucking money? It has to be some kind of bullshit scam if you ask me.”

Workers at the coffee shop claimed the behavior was typical for Gordon.

“Despite coming here and getting the same thing every day, Dave has never put so much as a small handful of pennies in the tip jar,” one barista at the coffee shop said. “It doesn’t surprise me that he’s not willing to spend one entire American dollar on an app without the promise of it giving him the secret of a long and fulfilling existence. He’s just not that kind of guy.”

When reached for comment, the lone developer of Running Guy Deluxe, the app in question, was baffled by Gordon’s expectations.

“It’s a game about a little guy that runs to the right for fuck sake,” said the app creator during a break from his day job. “I don’t know what he wants from me.“

Gordon was last seen checking an email update from Backpacks for Birds, a Kickstarter project he pledged $350 to earlier this year.

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Man Pretty Sure They Can’t Cancel Him if He Stays Completely Still

Posted on October 21, 2020 by John Merrifield

BROOKLYN, N.Y. — Local 32-year-old Brendan Muller decided today that he will stand perfectly still whenever he is in the presence of others in hopes of avoiding being canceled.

“My anxiety is at an all time high, and I realized if I don’t do anything, I can’t be accused of anything,” said Muller through a series of blinks in order to remain completely still. “I’m taking a risk even doing this interview. What if they discover my jeans were made with child labor? Or what if all those teenage girls I messaged on Myspace come forward? It’s a scary world for men right now.”

Muller’s childhood friend, 30-year-old Daniel Champagne, noted that while standing still might not be perfect, it’s working for now.

“I remember him screaming at his laptop like a banshee, then throwing it against the wall after reading that some comedian he liked got outed for being a perv. Later that night, we were watching ‘Jurassic Park,’ and there was that part where somebody says the T-rex ‘can’t see them if they don’t move,’” Champagne recalled between sips of a dangerously large can of Monster Energy Drink. “I guess that really resonated with him, because he scheduled an appointment for the feeding tube the next morning. I’ve been refilling his feed bag each day in the meantime. We’re hoping this all blows over soon, and people go back to staying silent about shitty behavior.”

Dr. Christina Von Volkenberg, the gastronomist who installed the feeding tube, did attempt to talk Muller out of the procedure.

“I tried telling him that if you just treat all people with kindness and consideration, respect their boundaries, and don’t be a fucking creep, you don’t have to worry about getting called out for anything. But he was very insistent that this was the only surefire way to avoid getting any sort of backlash,” said Dr. Von Volkenberg. “Come to think of it, choosing to exist in a perpetually passive state during a time of civil unrest over systemic injustice is pretty problematic in and of itself. Oh, boy. Just wait until this article comes out.”

It is unknown just how long Muller plans to continue this life of self-inflicted paralysis, as it would have taken way too long to ask him.

Virgin Hopes Sex Isn’t How It’s Described in Cannibal Corpse Song

Posted on October 21, 2020 by Nick Ortolani

PLAINSVILLE, Iowa — Local virgin Andy Wardell grew concerned yesterday that his future sexual intercourse may resemble the acts described in any of the Cannibal Corpse songs he heard on an album his brother gave him last week.

“I’m not sure if I’m ready to make that kind of commitment,” admitted a visibly terrified Wardell. “I mean, I’m sure I’ll meet a nice girl one day, and things may get pretty serious… but is it really gonna feel like being fucked by a knife? Who’s the knife? I think it’s really not good if either of us are the knife. And what if I’m not, ya know, good at it? I don’t know if I’ll be able to make her achieve orgasm by disemboweling her and then feeding her innards to diseased rats. Maybe I just haven’t met that special someone yet — all my friends have already been with loads of sexual partners, who I assume all cum blood. Is that supposed to happen?”

However, members of Cannibal Corpse resented the denigration of their art.

“I’ve always considered our songs to be love songs,” remarked singer George “Corpsegrinder” Fisher. “They’re about joining the carnal with the spiritual: like Prince, but with serial killers. This whole debacle has really exposed how sex-negative some people can be. Culturally, I thought we’d moved past defining sex and love as being between one man and one woman — it can be between a man and a man, a woman and a woman, or a man and a woman and the parasitic necromorph baby clawing through her stomach.”

Experts in sexual health warn that death metal lyrics may not be the best source of information when it comes to sex education.

“I know death metal can be romantic. But it’s putting the cart before the horse,” said Dr. Ruth Willows, sex expert author of “The Death Growl in Your Loins.” “Going straight to Cannibal Corpse is like trying to master the ‘Kama Sutra’ before learning to not blow in each other’s mouths while kissing. If you’re not ready for a little mutual masturbation, you’re not ready for meat hook sodomy. Just keep the basics in mind: consent, open communication, and eye contact, even if those eyes are bulging out of a bare skull.”

At press time, former Cannibal Corpse frontman Chris Barnes was distancing himself from the remarks made by his band’s sloppy seconds.

Parents Announce Plan to Vote for Whoever Appears on TV Last

Posted on October 21, 2020 by Nick Ortolani

ATHENS, Ga. — A boomer-aged couple announced today their coordinated effort to vote in the upcoming presidential election for the candidate who appears on TV most recently, exasperated sources confirmed.

“Biden just seems like the right choice,” said Ann Buckley, her husband Irving nodding in agreement. “I feel like I’ve already spent so much time with him. Between the Obama years and his ads during ‘Family Feud,’ it’s like he’s already been in my home and sniffed my hair. A choice like this can’t be taken lightly: I need to make sure I vote for the name that seems most familiar to me when I shut the curtain of that voting booth.”

To court the elusive “parent vote,” the Biden campaign is maximizing their advertising impact by positioning commercials in blocks of advertising targeted towards typical parental interests.

“We call it the ‘Parent Sandwich,’” explained Biden’s communications director Kate Bedingfield. “We find what parents like, and we place our ads alongside their interests — for example, you might see one of our ads in between commercials for a blood pressure medication and Old Country Buffet. We also make sure we place positive Biden ads at the end of episodes, and at the start of the show, we put our Sanders attack ads that claim he will drastically reduce the number of times your child calls home every month.”

Some analysts, however, worry that a lack of information will lead to inconsistent support.

“I don’t think either of them know what [Biden] actually stands for,” lamented Mike Buckley, the couple’s son. “Mom just says he’s a ‘straight shooter,’ and Dad won’t stop talking about his ‘gumption.’ I don’t think Dad wants to vote for him so much as he wants to be his nephew. It probably won’t last.”

“They were all in for Trump like, two weeks ago,” agreed daughter Tania Buckley. “It seems like the best thing to do to keep our parents from fucking things up is to sabotage their cable connection, sign them up for Netflix, and put ‘Jeopardy’ on autoplay until the primaries are over.”

At press time, the Buckleys had pivoted their support to Ray Liotta after seeing him in a Chantix commercial.

We Taught This Chimpanzee to Understand the American Political System and He Hanged Himself

Posted on October 21, 2020 by Dan Kozuh

For generations, scientists have attempted to assess the intelligence of chimpanzees. We have discovered they are able to use tools, communicate via sign language, and observe a strong sense of community. With that in mind, we set out to see if we could make a chimpanzee understand the complexities of American politics. We found one particularly intelligent Chimp named Hugo and got to work.

Through simple positive reinforcement techniques, we introduced Hugo to the concept of democracy to which he became quickly attached. It was around when we tried to explain the Electoral College that Hugo became upset. “Why?” He could keep signing to use. “No sense. Unfair.” He would keep repeating.

We took a lunch break after we introduced the concept of Super PACs only to return to find that Hugo had hanged himself by the rope of his tire swing. With his own feces, he wrote “Money reigns” on the wall of his pen. Perhaps teaching him to read “A People’s History of the United States” was a bad idea.

We could tell he was getting dejected when we explained the concept of gerrymandering and disenfranchising minority voters but we didn’t think he would take it that badly. Also, forcing him to watch the Trump/Biden debate could have been construed as cruel and unusual. After that Hugo became depressed and just wanted to watch “Golden Girls” reruns.

While we did lose the subject, we are marking this experiment a resounding success because Hugo clearly understood the flaws within a two-party system. He even cried when we explained how the Republicans stole a Supreme Court seat with Brett Kavanaugh. We didn’t even know chimpanzees could cry! So, this is really a double win. For us. Not for Hugo.

I think we will have better luck with the mice we are training to understand the prison industrial complex.

Breaking! Chamillionaire Only Paid Chahundred Dollars in Taxes Last Year

Posted on October 21, 2020 by Rob Walker

HOUSTON — Rap artist and entrepreneur Chamillionaire, known for his hit single “Ridin’,” only paid a chahundred dollars in taxes last year, according to confusing financial documents leaked last Monday.

“Is there fancy accounting going on with Chamillionaire’s finances? Only the fanciest, baby,” said a member of the rapper’s entourage under the condition of anonymity. “Listen, regular folks got to pay taxes with U.S. dollars, but when you’re in the upper echelons of society, you can afford to technically lose money on paper while running several businesses and a rap career. But, listen: Chamillionaire is as good as his word, and each chahundred dollar bill is a promise. I mean, look at these things. This shit is embossed! Is U.S. cash embossed?”

Financial advisor Barry “Bird Dog” Brighton has offered Chamillionaire fiduciary council for over a decade.

“Cristal champagne, rims, fur… these may be luxuries to you, but in the rap game, they’re just office supplies. You can write that shit off,” said Brighton while pouring champagne down the ass of a medical student working at a Houston gentlemen’s club. “I mean, if you want to be taken seriously, you have to play the part. How would you feel if your doctor showed up to surgery in a fur coat? That’s why he wears the scrubs, and Chamillionaire wears the fur.”

H&R Block accountant Gina Ramirez explained in layman’s terms how a successful rapper could pay so little in taxes.

“I’m sorry. What is a chahundred dollar bill? Is it crypto? If it’s like Bitcoin, we would ask that it be claimed on taxes and be exchanged for U.S. currency,” said Ramirez, glancing over the rapper’s financial documents. “But this makes me think that he just made it all up. If that’s true, these things may as well be coupons for free hugs. Who has he been paying with these?”

Chamillionaire is currently under audit by the IRS, and must supply financial records relating to several chaoffshore chabank accounts.

Photo by Brian Solis

Jeb Bush Picks Horrible Night to Start Twitch Channel

Posted on October 20, 2020 by Mark Roebuck

TALLAHASSEE, Fla. — Famously unremarkable politician and former presidential nominee Jeb Bush began his new Twitch stream tonight in an unprecedented failure, debuting the same evening as Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez’s record breaking stream of the hit game Among Us, which featured fellow politicians and streaming celebrities.

“Well this isn’t going at all how I’d planned,” said Bush, several minutes into his own abysmal game of Among Us with various Republican politicians. “Let’s just play the game, Jeb. It’s fun. It’s video games. I guess uh… Scott Walker is pretty sus. I didn’t… I didn’t see him do the, uh… garbage… shit, this is really, really sad. Even for me, this sucks.”

“Please sub,” Bush said to conclude his stream, which had dwindled to three viewers.

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Writer Struck With Inspiration Furiously Writes Down ‘Superman But Evil’

Posted on October 20, 2020 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

ATLANTA — Writer James Mann was reportedly scribbling down ideas in a moleskine notebook after being suddenly struck with the idea of “Superman if he was evil.”

“I mean holy shit, what a eureka moment. I have been having some writer’s block lately, truth be told. But then I was thinking… we all know Superman… but he’s good. What if he was evil? That’s when the fun began,” explained Mann, going through the process behind his new concept. “I mean can you even imagine what that would be like? The possibilities are legitimately endless. What would an evil Superman say about society? What does it say about humanity? What does it say about the notion of power? No one has ever considered these questions.”

“The hardest part so far has been deciding what my version of Superman should be named,” Mann said. “I’ve had the Thesaurus entry open for the word ‘super’ all morning. Powerman, Ultraman, Dazzleman… I’ll figure it out.”

Despite Mann’s project not having launched yet, it has already developed a growing fanbase.

“Superman But Evil is my favorite comic book. Or movie or TV show or whatever it ends up being,” said r/EvilSupes moderator u/herohater83. “I just know that when I think of Superman, I want him to be a badass villain. Lasering people in the face just cuz he thinks they’re dumb. That would RULE. You know how they say the S on his chest stands for ‘hope?’ What if it stands for ‘fuck?’”

Unfortunately, as of press time, work on Superman But Evil had paused after Mann came across information about The Boys, Watchmen, Superman: Red Son, The Dark Knight Returns, Injustice, Justice League: A Better World, Brightburn, Invincible, and various drawings on DeviantArt.

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