NASHVILLE, Tenn. — A belligerent swarm of locusts unexpectedly stormed the presidential debate stage on Thursday landing directly on Donald Trump’s head and remaining there unnoticed by the commander-in-chief for a whole two minutes, witnesses reported.
“We actually had ‘swarm of locusts’ listed in our presidential debate drinking game, so we were well-prepared when it happened,” said Jessica Ladroferd watching with her roommates. “However, we didn’t account for them staying on his head for 120 seconds, and the rules clearly stated that we had to keep pounding drinks until they flew away. Long story short, we’re absolutely hammered right now. Also, can you believe Trump rudely interrupted the moderator when she tried to tell him something possibly diabolical was in his hair? Actually, wait. I can believe it.”
Others were not so nonchalant about the strange occurrence.
“This has major biblical implications written all over it,” said local pastor John Scountrel. “Biblically speaking, locusts are a sign from God that civilization deserves a plague and famine, and maybe in modern day that translates to something like COVID-19 and rampant home evictions under this administration. But as an evangelical Christian who just happens to be conservative, I take this as a sign that Donald Trump is the chosen one. After all, God works in mysterious ways that somehow always reinforces my beliefs.”
Experts were quick to find a scientific reason for the bizarre incident.
“Generally, locusts get pretty psyched about crops and vegetation and simply can’t help themselves,” said entomologist Mary Trevasy. “So this swarm going after Trump’s head actually makes total sense considering his hair follicles share a striking resemblance to the dead bristles on a husk of corn or a field of decaying barley and wheat crops. The swarm just mistook his hair for something edible. Kind of like during the VP debate when that fly misread Mike Pence’s head for rotting flesh. Nature isn’t perfect.”
After the debate, Trump implied that he knew the locusts were on his head the whole time and promised to provide federal funding to any farmers who might’ve lost autumn harvests as a result, but only if he was reelected and they said nice things about him.