Andrew Keith Spaulding, Author at HARDTIMES

What the Fuck: This Woman’s Carfax Report Includes Time Spent Cry-screaming to Florence + the Machine

Posted on June 20, 2022 by Tracy Kellett

Just to be clear, I’m kind of a sad person. Not like a mildly pessimistic, “Mitch McConnell droopy-drawls” kind of sad, but like a “my life is a tear-stained pillow case from which I can find no joyful reprieve yet am forced to rest my weary head upon every night” kind of sad. That being said, wasn’t prepared for what I came across while shopping for a reasonably priced used vehicle: a Carfax report that actually included, down to the seconds, how much time its previous owner spent cry-screaming to Florence + the Machine.

Like any other millennial just waiting for the big sleep to take me, I typically gloss over Carfax reports pretending I know what I’m looking at: accident and service history, odometer reading, title standing (whatever the fuck that means), and at first, this 2011 Honda Civic seemed too good to be true.

It had only ever been owned by one woman, had extremely low mileage, zero collisions, and was cried inside of by the owner 482 hours, 17 minutes and 36 seconds, specifically while listening to Florence + the Machine. No wonder she couldn’t unload this lemon.

Still, what the fuck Carfax! That’s a little intrusive, don’t you think? How did you even get this information to begin with, was it volunteered? Was she under duress? Personally, I don’t think the amount of time I’ve spent crying to a guilty pleasure band isn’t even something I should know, let alone a stranger considering buying my car.

482 hours comes to over 20 straight days of losing her goddamn mind, but given the car’s impressively low mileage her daily commute couldn’t have been more than 15 minutes round trip. What could possibly go so wrong that an adult woman would seemingly fall apart every single day for years in a vehicle intended for children just getting their learner’s permits?

I’m not trying to sound insensitive. I totally understand crying over a break-up. Hell, I’ve committed serial arson throughout Chattanooga over an ex serving me a poorly poached egg. But cry-screaming for 482 hours? To Florence + the Machine?! That’s excessive.

As great of a deal as this car is, there’s just no way I could ever see myself committed to something with this much baggage. I just pray this woman gets the help she so desperately needs, or at least better cry music.

Report: Most Turtles Get Straws Stuck Up Nose While Attempting to Do Cocaine

Posted on June 20, 2022 by Stephen Bell

SYDNEY — An enlightening new study from researchers at The University of Sydney found that the majority of sea turtles get straws stuck up their noses while attempting to consume rails of cocaine.

“All this time we thought the straws getting stuck up turtle noses was because the plastics industry kept pushing all these ecologically unfriendly products onto consumers,” said marine biologist Dr. Heather Stroud. “It turns out that the main thing being pushed onto turtles was cocaine and lots of it. Finding Nemo was pretty accurate in showing them as radical surfer dudes because these turtles are rad as hell. The issue is they don’t have hands to grasp the coke straws with so they get stuck. I imagine this evolutionary pressure might lead to future hand development. At which point they can switch to using a coke pinky.”

Sydney resident Erin Nelson was not as excited to find out about these powder-snorting Testudines.

“I just can’t believe we’ve been letting these coked-up drug addicts occupy our beaches for this long. I used to bring my children to the beach to watch the turtles hatch and make their way to the ocean, if I had known those baby turtles would grow up to be coke heads then I would have been rooting for the birds to eat them,” said Nelson. “It’s time for the government to stop spending money on all these endangered species protections, and to get tough on these teenage methhead Narcan turtles!”

Environmentalist advocates feel that most people are misunderstanding the issue here.

“These turtles are clearly suffering from their drug issues and we need to help them, not punish them,” said activist Keith Wright. “Whether it’s straws or random bags of cocaine that gets flushed down the toilet which the turtles then find, ultimately it’s our fault they’re addicted. Perhaps we should offer rehabilitation and counseling before further crowding our aquariums with more turtles. Granted I’m not sure how to rehab a turtle exactly. Perhaps a 12 strokes program because turtles swim rather than take steps? Look I’m kind of stumped for answers here, I didn’t wake up today expecting to learn that these cute sea creatures were actually huge drug users.”

A follow-up study of turtle narcotic consumption shows the animals were unable to do heroin because the plastic spoons were total shit at heating up the drugs.

Demon Begs Priest to Exorcise Him From Crust Punk’s Body

Posted on June 19, 2022 by Ben Friedman

WASHINGTON — Abaddon the Destroyer, an immortal demon from the deepest depths of hell, begged an exorcist to free him from the body of the crust punk he regrettably possessed late last week, sources within the Catholic Church have confirmed.

“Whilst searching for a vessel to possess and use to commit blasphemous deeds for my own bemusement, I have become entrapped in the decrepit flesh prison of a creature known only as ‘Pickle.’ I’m accustomed to inhabiting the hearts and minds of the helpless humans, not one who inhales paint to pass the time,” said the demon from inside his flesh prison. “I had little choice but to do the unthinkable and reach out to a man of the cloth to free me from this torment. I would rather suffer the indignity of succumbing to the power of Christ than eat another Subway sandwich out of a dumpster.”

Experience exorcist Father Steven Brown ascertained quickly that this would be not ordinary demonic expulsion.

“Never in my years have I seen a soul in such terrible shape. She was sickly and pale, unbathed for weeks, and squatting in an abandoned Sears. And that was before I realized she was possessed. But when the demon spoke through her and pleaded with me to banish him to eternal hellfire, I figured this would be a cakewalk. That was of course before Pickle came to and tried to stab me with a pair of scissors,” said Father Brown. “Brandishing the cross and holy water wasn’t working, and it was hard to pray with Leftöver Crack blaring so loudly. At one point Abaddon said he’d even apologize to God to get him out of here, which would be a huge win if I could just get her to stand still for five minutes.”

The Vatican has been keeping a close eye on the situation, as the events unfolding are nearly unprecedented.

“This is the first time in the church’s 2000-year history that an ally of Satan himself has asked for our assistance, but not the first time has agreed to ‘plea out’ so to speak. Some of these harbingers of sin get in over their heads, and we’re more than happy to oblige to return them to whence they came,” said Cardinal Jozef Franco. “Just last week we exorcised a demon trapped in the body of a man who only drank kombucha. However, we are concerned about what Father Brown is dealing with, as it’s disturbingly reminiscent of our failed attempts to cleanse Danzig.”

As of press time, Father Brown was able to successfully free Abaddon, only to call for help once again after being trapped in the body of a child of anti-vaxxers.

Help! My Dad Accidentally Threw Away My Birth Certificate but Somehow Still Has the Owner’s Manual to Our DVD Player

Posted on June 19, 2022 by Lauren Sewell

Yesterday I woke up to a missed call and voicemail from my dad. He said, “Son, I got something important to tell you. Call me back.” I was ready for him to tell me that either some relative had died or that he needed me to reset the password for our family’s Hulu account. But I soon learned the reality was much worse than I could have ever imagined.

See, my dad was very proud of his tidying work. But apparently not of his child. He called me to sheepishly admit that during his most recent spring cleaning, he accidentally threw away my birth certificate. Now you can imagine the blow my ego suffered. My mind was spinning, realizing the logistical and bureaucratic challenges I would face without a key document that confirmed my existence in this godforsaken world. Even more so when he excitedly revealed to me that he managed to find the owner’s manual for the family DVD player.

He told me this information as if it was some sort of silver lining that should console me. I don’t think he even has the DVD player anymore, but I’m sure if he finds it, I’ll be the first to know. Apparently knowing how to care for a 2003 Toshiba SD-1200 is more important than the physical documentation of my existence.

This may have hurt my pride, but it was nothing compared to the time he called me to let me know all of my childhood photos were misplaced but that I could rest assured knowing his TV guide collection was intact.

Top Five Southern Rock Songs to Listen to While You Complain About Participation Trophies

Posted on June 19, 2022 by Ryan Danley

I remember when this country had a pair! When I was growing up we didn’t have all the crybabies doing the tweets or the instergram. We had people who knew their worth and fell in a line. And mostly we didn’t have any participation trophies!

That’s right! You can totally pinpoint the fall of the American empire the day someone was handed a trophy for doing nothing more than showing up. Well, unlike some of these pansies out here I’m not going to stand idly by and watch this great nation fall into some nanny state! I’m gonna complain my ass off, and I’m going to rock while I do it!

Here are the best songs ever made to play in the background while you give them a good dosage of Hard Knocks:

That Smell- Lynyrd Skynyrd
I’ve never been able to pinpoint what smell American hero Ronnie Van Sant was actually talking about, but I’d like to imagine it was the stench of a piss-poor 8-year-old goalie not earning their season-end pizza party.

Dreams I’ll Never See – Molly Hatchet
The dream you’ll never see? Being able to drop a 350 engine into a ‘74 Chevy Nova. Because you’ve never learned to accomplish anything.

The Devil Went Down to Georgia – Charlie Daniels Band
Little known fact: The Devil went to Georgia to try to spread Socialism.

Ramblin’ Man – Allman Brothers Band
Do you think someone who was born in the back of a Greyhound bus wants orange slices when they just watched the kids from across town score two unanswered goals? I don’t think so pal!

Free Bird- Lynyrd Skynyrd
Yep, Lynyrd Skynyrd again. Listen, I may have been born in 1996, but I know a good damn band when I hear it. And Skynyrd represented all that is right in this world. And this song is the Holy Grail. It’s about freedom. Freedom from the bondage of celebrated failure for rec league sports. If you could drag their tattered corpses out of that plane crash, the first thing this band would tell you is they want to do this themselves.

God Bless America.

Deadhead Father Sits Patiently Through Millennial Daughter’s Story About Time She Ate Two Weed Cookies at Animal Collective Show

Posted on June 19, 2022 by Mimi Kenny

DALY CITY, Calif. — Paul “Sprout Fingers” Brecher, a devoted follower of legendary rock band The Grateful Dead, did his best to appear interested in his daughter’s anecdote about eating two marijuana cookies at an Animal Collective concert in 2012, confirmed multiple sources who wish they had some nitrous.

“We were at dinner, talking about how much we liked that ‘Everything Everywhere’ movie, and when her mom mentioned how vivid everything felt, Heather just got this glint in her eye,” said Brecher. “Pretty soon, she was talking about her first time with edibles and not realizing how hard they would hit. She said she felt ‘untethered to earthly expectations’ and ‘like [her] vision was 25/20.’ I was eager to hear about any other epiphanies she may have experienced but it mostly seems like it just made the music sound slightly better. It took all of my self-control to not mention I spent almost 27 years in a drug-induced fog thanks to the Dead and the perspective-shattering psychedelic experiences I felt watching them play.”

Daniels herself recalls the day in question with a great sense of wonder.

“My buddy Clark made a whole bunch of these cookies for the show at Terminal 5. I hadn’t seen AnCo and I knew I would need to make it a really meaningful experience. So, I ate two like 10 minutes apart from one another and everyone was like ‘whoa, Heather, strap in. You’re in for the ride of your life,” said Daniels. “I was pretty chilled out at first, but then ‘Lion in a Coma’ started and my arms refused to stay down. At that point, I was no longer just hearing the music; I was basking in it.”

Dr. Keith Lawrence, ethnomusicologist and author of “Losing Some Determination: The Decline of Psychedelic Enlightenment,” says Brecher’s recent experience mirrors that of many so-called “Deadheads” underwhelmed by their children’s recounting of hallucinogenic experiences.

“When you grow up with a parent who can say they took peyote at Dream Bowl in 1969 and saw Jerry Garcia shrouded in a haze described only as ‘the totality of conscious awareness,’ you have a lot to live up to,” said Dr. Lawrence. “And feeling a little loopy for a few hours while some guy in a baseball cap hollers about his breakfast or whatever doesn’t exactly measure up. It’s why Boomers have no respect for Millennials and make every effort to ruin the future for them.”

Following Daniels’ recounting, visiting cousin and Amherst College sophomore Jackson Sigritz chimed in about hitting a dab pen at a Tame Impala show and “almost crying during ‘Let It Happen.’”

35-Year-Old Man Finally Builds Up Immunity to New Music

Posted on June 18, 2022 by John Danek

BILLINGS, Mont. — Former music obsessive Paul Yarborough finally achieved bodily immunity to the intoxicating effects of new music following years of detachment and apathy, researchers marveled.

“Music used to have so much control over my life, it controlled my personality, my calendar, and what people I chose to be friends with. But I’m so thankful I can confidently say those days are over,” stated Yarborough, who would often fly to attend multiple music festivals per year. “Not long after turning 35, I started getting more into podcasts. I let my Spotify Premium subscription expire because I just wasn’t using it. When I do listen to music, it’s always something I once owned on CD and it was definitely released before 2008. But even with those bands, the desire to lightly headbang has evaporated. All is calm. Finally.”

Musical artists who rely on diehard fandom such as Yarborough’s are struggling with the losses of an aging audience.

“Paul used to be the first to like and comment on all of our social media posts, but now he unfollowed the band entirely!” said a shocked Renee Askowitz, frontwoman of Yarborough’s former favorite punk band Happy Go Unlucky. “Anytime we played around Montana, Wisconsin, or the Dakotas, he’d be there right up front, singing along. But no more, I didn’t see him once on our last leg through there, we even drove by his house, but I was too afraid to go knock on his door. I miss him. And I miss how much money he spent at our merch table. What did I do wrong, Paul? Was our new record too fast? I’m so, so sorry.”

Immunologists have begun researching the effects that age may have on receptiveness towards auditory stimuli.

“It appears to take almost 4 decades before the human body can start creating enough antibodies to deflect the intoxicating qualities of new music,” explained Dr. Miroslav Funkel, head of immunology research at Montana State University. “Music’s effects on the body and mind can be treacherous, it can cause fans to spend exorbitant amounts of money and also lead to spending prolonged periods of time in filthy, unsafe basements. We are currently working to develop treatments which will allow for inoculation against music at earlier ages, possibly as early as the late teens.”

Yarborough’s immunity has reportedly reached a new level of strength, as he is finally selling all of his guitars, amps, and pedals on Reverb.

+30 Button On Microwave Finally Gives Out

Posted on June 18, 2022 by Robert John Scucci

PROVIDENCE, R.I. – Local punk household, “The Underground Failroad,” is grieving for their microwave, which is considered “no longer functional” after the +30 button gave out, sources with frozen Hot Pockets confirmed.

“I gotta say, I’m disappointed, but not surprised at all,” said resident Brea Stokes, as she reached for her reading glasses and an instruction manual that was shoved in the junk drawer. “But I’m hopeful. This thing says there are all sorts of power settings that you could use to warm up your food! Normally I would just mash the +30 button into complete submission until I knew for certain that I’d burn the ever-living shit out of my mouth. Who knew that it had a clock too! I dunno, I’m feeling better and better about this whole new world of potential!”

Longtime couchmate Larry McCall doesn’t share the same sentiment as Stokes, and demands that the microwave be replaced immediately.

“Brea is a lot more pragmatic than the rest of us, and it’s to a fault. She’s got a brain that’s on a whole ‘nother level, and that’s fine, but the rest of us depend on that +30 button,” said McCall while thawing a bag of french fries in the sun. “I only eat when completely swerving my tits off on edibles and whatever alcohol is left over from the night before, and I’m not about to hit ‘time cook, three, zero, start,’ and repeat the entire process over and over again until the entire frozen lasagna is done. That one single button is what’s holding this entire household together, and it either gets fixed, or I’m outta here.”

Area electronics expert Shawn Daggz says that this problem is a lot more common than one would think.

“It’s not out of the ordinary for a perfectly good microwave to end up in a landfill, or worse the ocean, over a malfunctioning +30 button,” said Daggz. “You can try your best to educate your roommates on how to defrost and use the various power cycles, but the sad reality is that the cycle of abuse we see will continue so long as the +30 option is available to the general public. It’s only natural for us to lean on our crutches until they break, and it’s the reality we have to live with.”

At press time, McCall was seen quietly sobbing while trying to eat a frozen Stouffer’s mac and cheese straight out of the freezer.

Top 8 Curse Words to Teach to Your Sister’s Toddler

Posted on June 18, 2022 by Josephine Ramos

Is your sister pissing you off? Are you in charge of her toddler for the next six hours while she gets sloppy wasted at girl’s night? Here are the eight best curse words to weaponize your three-year-old niece’s vocabulary.

Bastard Man

A sure-fire way to ruin any wedding, church service, or airplane ride is by bringing a manic toddler loaded up on obscenities. Before getting to the emotionally manipulating insults, “bastard man,” is a good one to start with.

Fuck

A classic. A video of a baby saying, “crap” doesn’t make it on America’s Funniest Home Videos. The real way to capitalize on that child is to cut out that weak shit and get them to say the big F-word for the world to hear. Make them the baddest kid at pre-school and a walking nightmare for the family.

Dickmunch

Dickmunch, like its brothers Assface and Turdbreath, remains a staple in introductory profanity. When working your way up from “crap” to “motherfucker,” “dickmunch” is definitely an important milestone.

Tax Collector

The first things a child should learn are the alphabet, please and thank you, and that the scumbag puppets of an exploitative economic system are called tax collectors. Gotta teach ‘em young. Because when “boot-licker thief” isn’t hurtful enough, there’s always “tax collector.”

Phony Bologna

If I grew up thinking Disney channel dropped the equivalent of an F-bomb every episode, I might have watched more television and stayed off the streets.

Nerd

Imagine you are minding your own business and some illiterate little dweeb calls you a nerd straight to your face. Devastating blow, but as long as you are more cognitively developed than this three-year-old child, then its technically accurate. Can’t even argue it without proving the little twerp right.

Gaslighter Son of a Bitch

One day that kid is going to find out Santa Claus isn’t any more real than the tooth fairy, or how the family dog that ran away to the country is just straight up dead. The kid is going to catch people in lies, and she’ll need a good way to call them out.

Neutral Milk Hotel Fan

The kid needs to know the difference between good music and whatever the hell is on her father’s On Avery Island CD. At least someone in the family should teach the kid about real music. Like System of a Down.

God Has a Plan: When This Christian Rock Drummer Died in a Car Accident His Band Got a New Drummer and He Is Much More Talented

Posted on June 18, 2022 by Dan Rice

It’s no secret that our Lord works in mysterious ways. He allows bad things to happen to good people, he buries dinosaur fossils to test our faith, and he allowed the democrats to steal our election for who knows what reason.

Indeed God’s plan can seem confounding when misfortune falls upon us. That’s what makes it all the more satisfying when the machinations of his grand design become perfectly clear.

When Christian Rock band Lion’s Den lost their drummer Gabriel Sommers in a fatal car accident, the remaining members couldn’t help but question why it had to happen. Then they auditioned drummer Gideon Parks, and it became abundantly clear why Sommers had to die.

We asked the surviving members of the original Lion’s Den lineup to give us some insight into their recent loss turned into absolute gain.

“When Gabriel passed, I would pray with his mother, and all she could do was ask God why her son was taken from her so young. I didn’t know what to say at the time, but now I know exactly why God let that drunk guy kill Gabriel. I can’t wait to tell Mrs. Sommers the good news!”
Peter Hutchins, frontman

“Not only is Gideon twice the drummer Gabriel was, but he’s also so much cooler than Gabriel! He’s got a tattoo, he knows the shit out of scripture, and he’s a blast on tour! Last week in Vegas he talked us all into splitting a nip of banana schnapps and we stayed up till 11:30 at night watching Seinfeld reruns! We had to pray pretty hard to wash that debauchery away but it was worth it!”
Adam Heath, lead guitar

“I used to question God’s plan when he allowed children to be slaughtered in schools, but now my eyes were open. Now I know that every one of those kids was going to grow up to be a drummer that would hold their band back.”
Michael Sinclair, bass

“Gideon helped us tighten the heck out of our tribute song to Gabriel and now it’s our most played track on Spotify, so that’s two reasons God murdered Gabriel right there!”
Shawn Hemmings, rhythm guitar