Opening Band Blows Audience Away With Half-Working Christmas Lights Draped Over Drum Set

Posted on by Dave McNamara

WORCESTER, Mass. – Local shoegaze band Snooze Pedal thrilled audience members by using half a string of Dollar General Christmas lights to illuminate the stage during their set, confirmed multiple sources who swear they will tell their grandchildren about what they saw.

“I had the idea during a practice last week and the guys were skeptical at first because they said it would be ‘too flashy’ but eventually they came around,” said drummer Tyler Jefferies. “We had some friends come to our rehearsal space to check it out and they were floored. They said it was ‘like watching The Arcade Fire in their prime, but way better’ and it’s really all because of those lights. My mom told me I better have them back the day after Thanksgiving or she’d have my ass, but we only have one gig booked for the rest of the year so it shouldn’t be a problem.”

Fans in attendance were floored by the advanced stage setup.

“When the drummer asked the tech to kill the stage lighting I thought, oh please not another gimmicky guitar cab with lights for speakers. But then the Christmas lights came on and I thought… ‘whoa!’ Then the lights started twinkling and I thought to myself ‘this is like Christmas Eve on quaaludes!” said show attendee Damarr White. “I can’t say that I remember their songs too well. Sounded like a distorted skill saw run through six reverb pedals, but those lights really made the show!”

Chaz Davis, longtime production manager for the iconic metal band Iron Maiden says concert optics are something that can separate your band from the pack.

“It’s all about the show, mate. You gotta wow the punters with a bit of razzle-dazzle or they’re gonna spend their money on Kiss tickets instead, and at that point, you might as well just flush your money down the toilet,” said Davis while setting up a series of pyrotechnic blasts. “This tour we built a fire-breathing Eddie robot that shoots flames ten feet over the audiences’ heads. We have a laser Union Jack beamed over the arena and enough dry ice to reverse global warming. If you don’t burn your mark on the audiences’ brains, they’ll forget you as soon as they leave the car park.”

Following the positive reaction to the Christmas lights, Snooze Pedal hopes to further enhance their stage show by buying one of those “old-timey looking Elvis microphones.”

Ugh: This Influencer Is Right About Social Issue

Posted on by Neel Bhakta

Listen, we’ve all been in this situation before. You take a little break in your day and decide to sneak a peek at your phone. Five minutes turns into 3 hours, and now some annoying influencer fuck decides to grace your ears with their opinion on the hot button social issue dominating your news feed. And just when you think it can’t get any worse, they’re objectively correct.

One second I’m watching some guy putting hundreds of rubber bands on a watermelon to see when the thing pops, while simultaneously ignoring the intrusive thoughts begging me to try that out on body parts of my own, and the next second I’m hearing a succinct and accurate narration of the student debt crisis over video footage of an influencer filling up a kiddie pool with strawberry-banana jello.

Somebody’s gotta speak the truth I guess, even if that somebody just spilled 50 gallons of jello on their neighbor’s front lawn.

The simple solution to my problem is to not watch anymore. Except it’s not that simple. I need something to get me through my dreadful minimum wage job. It turns out that watching someone nodding their head and pointing at captions that support an increase in the minimum wage is the only entertainment the algorithm will grant me.

It cannot be emphasized enough, I wholeheartedly agree with the assertion that universal healthcare is a fundamental human right. But if I have to see one more influencer whip out a ukulele and subject me to their little quirky show tune, I might just have to change my deeply held beliefs and morals so I’m not associated with these fucking weirdos.

I’m no conspiracy nutjob, but this 1000% has to be some government psyop shit aimed at dissuading potential progressive voters. This is the same shit they pulled with Green Day’s American Idiot, except that backfired and millions of teenagers began wearing thick black eyeliner instead.

I’m just so sick of it. If I wanted to hear a bunch of out-of-touch assholes obnoxiously point out actual flaws within our society and then stand by and watch as nothing fundamentally changes, I’d just talk to any politician in the Democratic party.

Quiz: Are You Horny Enough to Go to The Ren-Faire?

Posted on by Dan Rice

It’s getting entirely too hot to be outside and you know what that means: It’s Renaissance Faire season!

Baking in a parking lot all day wearing period-appropriate tight leather attire isn’t something a sane person would do by choice, let alone pay for, which is why horniness is the lifeblood of the Ren-Faire industry.

Gather round ye wenches and swordsmen and submit yourself to this rousing inquisition to determine if you’re Renaissance Faire horny or just stay at home and masturbate for free horny, if ye dare!

Does the sight of people sweating in their leather bodices make paying $25 for a smoked turkey leg in 90-degree heat seem appetizing and reasonable?
Maybe it isn’t poultry ye truly hungers for, if ye catch me meaning!

Is the opportunity to publicly indulge in thinly veiled kink play worth literally all of your money?
If you’re ready to shell out $500 for a hand-crafted flogger first and worry about rent later, welcome home.

Are you so fucking horny?
Like just, “I am literally going to fucking explode” horny? Then maybe you need to be where people get you.

Are you interested in spending $65 on organic honey sold by an attractive cosplayer?
Nothing makes the selling power of local honey’s curative properties hit harder than a period-appropriate corset or codpiece, depending on ye’s fancy.

Have you burnt yourself out on every Game of Thrones sex scene?
Even Jamie Lannister and Brienne of Tarth? Stop taking this quiz and go pay the $40 zero-inclusive entry fee immediately m’lady or lord!

Does a man dressed as an old-timey blacksmith selling hentai out of a tent for some reason seem normal to you?
If he wasn’t a legitimate merchant, why would they let him have a tent in a parking lot?

Does candle making just kinda do it for you?
Like, REALLY do it for you?

Do you feel no need to question why a bunch of the ren fair people are pirates because pirates are also very sexy to you?
Ren fair just means time-sexy, right?

Have you been deprived of sex long enough to have mastered archery?
Maybe you should go to the one place where that means something!

Do you love horses, because of their majesty?
Best not to unpack this one just get to the ren fair asap!

Do you walk around all day wishing for an excuse to call total strangers wenches, bastards and harlots?
That’s not appropriate no matter where you are, but at the ren fair people are 10% more likely to dismiss you as a harmless drunk loser, so have at it?

Did it not occur to you that there would be kids at this god damn thing?
Whoops.

If you answered yes to 3 or more of these questions then huzzah fair traveler, the Renaissance Faire welcomes ye with open arms and an off-putting lack of boundaries. If ye answered yes to two or less questions than nay, begone ye from thy leathery fields of frivolous spending and just go on PornHub.

Man Bun Full Of Raisins

Posted on by Chester Stillwater

EUGENE, Ore. — A local man bun was discovered to be full of gross raisins, sources who had already made it home with the bun and aren’t going back now confirmed.

“We met at hot yoga, and the first thing I noticed about him was that he had what must be a huge, Fabio-like mane of golden-brown hair tied up into a tight bun,” recalled Skye Galagos. “After some small talk, I asked him if he wanted to go out sometime. We went on a picnic a few weeks later. When he let down his hair, imagine my disgust when I saw it was full of raisins. And it wasn’t even caramel holding it all together — it was that gross royal icing or whatever that totally chips apart when you touch it. Barf.”

The man bun’s coworkers have also noticed the raisins at the bike shop where its owner works.

“I’ve dated a lot of guys who you might describe as ‘trustafarians’ so I’m used to the occasional centipede or weed nug falling out of my date’s hair,” said coworker Scott, “You get used to it and sometimes they have a pencil or something in there that you can use. But raisins attract ants, and they are somehow worse when you don’t expect them. That bun is dripping with raisins, and they’re not even the green kind, they’re the brown ones. How has everyone not switched to craisins by now anyway?”

An executive at Grandma Rickett’s, the nation’s third-largest manufacturer of raisin-filled pastries, explained the presence of raisins in otherwise perfectly acceptable places.

“Frankly, all market research indicates that the public hates raisins,” said Ellen Cheng, VP of Development. “But we put them in everything because, to be perfectly honest, pastries are not our bread and butter, no pun intended! We primarily make space-capable optics for the global weapons and surveillance industry. The grapes are just a byproduct of our top-secret manufacturing process, and we use them up to take advantage of certain farm subsidies.”

At press time, the bun had achieved peak disgustingness after an attempt to reheat it in the microwave.

Wife Installs Breathalyzer Lock on Husband’s Acoustic Guitar

Posted on by Ted Pillow

DETROIT — Frustrated wife Hannah Gerhardt figured out how to install a breathalyzer on her husband’s acoustic guitar which would keep the hardshell case locked until he sobered up, confirmed impressed and relieved sources after taking out their ear plugs.

“This wasn’t an easy DIY job, but somebody needed to stop him from downing a bunch of hard lemonades and ruining every social gathering with his god awful version of ‘Hey There Delilah,’” Gerhardt explained while putting away tools in the garage. “I went down to one of those places that install breathalyzers in your car if you get too many DUIs. I bought one and managed to modify it to work on my husband Paul’s old Fender. He’s got to blow into this little mouthpiece and if his BAC is above .08, it activates a lock that holds the strings in place and doesn’t let them vibrate. Now, if I can just find a way to prevent my husband from speaking, moving, or thinking while drunk, I’ll be all set!”

Hannah’s husband, Paul Gerhardt, was less enthusiastic about her crafty handiwork.

“This is total bullshit!” Paul slurred while stumbling around his kitchen trying to stuff Doritos in his mouth and mostly missing. “Everyone loves when I play guitar. And when I’m a little drunk, that just helps unleash my creative energy and fearless performance skills. What’s the big deal, anyway? ​​No one ever got hurt from mixing booze and music, except for I guess Jimi Hendrix, Keith Moon, all of Guns ‘N’ Roses, and everyone at Woodstock ’99.”

Experts believe that Hannah Gerhardt’s invention could be easily replicated, and may in fact become common practice across the country.

“The Supreme Court is closely monitoring this situation,” noted Supreme Court Justice Sonia Sotomayor. “Sloppy, drunken acoustic guitar playing is a menace to society, a cruel and unusual punishment inflicted on anyone who’s ever been to a frat party, hung out around a campfire, or generally been in the vicinity of a white male trying to get laid. If Mrs. Gerhardt’s solution is effective, we are considering mandatory guitar breathalyzer locks for anyone convicted of covering a Sublime or Jack Johnson song in public. And, ‘Good Riddance (Time of Your Life)’ by Green Day would be treated as aggravated assault.”

As of press time, Hannah Gerhardt was last seen installing household breathalyzer locks on the karaoke machine, microwave, and drawer they keep all of their weed in.

Dog Uses Talking Buttons to Tell Filthiest Version of “The Aristocrats” Yet

Posted on by Tracy Kellett

MOBILE, Ala. — Local family The Jensens are in disbelief after the dog they adopted used his talking buttons to tell a version of “The Aristocrats” that is somehow darker and viler than any version previously told.

“When we saw him listed for free on Facebook Marketplace, it was love at first sight,” described Mary Jensen of their first encounter with the newest (now former) family member, Mr. Tummy Sprinkles. “He was listed as great with kids, and his previous owners explained they trained him to communicate through talking buttons. He sounded more like a babysitter than a dog, which frankly was pretty appealing. But the day after we got him home, filth spewed from that furry beast like the ghost of Gilbert Gottfried got ahold of a Teddy Ruxpin. I don’t know if we’ll ever fully recover.”

Jensen’s son, Mikey, horrifically recalled the extent of Mr. Tummy Sprinkle’s verbal abuse.

“I wanted him to sleep in bed with me, but he spent all night organizing his dumb buttons. At first, I thought it was kinda neat,” the eight-year-old said. “He mentioned walking into a talent agency, so I thought maybe he knew how to sit or roll over, but he never did any tricks. He talked about fetching and belching at the same time, which I’ve seen my Dad do, so who cares? By the time he mentioned he had kids, I wasn’t even excited about maybe getting puppies. My mom started screaming and threw him outside. Then we got froyo!”

Mr. Tummy Sprinkles described how the afternoon didn’t end quite so sweetly for him.

“Can you believe it?” Mr. Tummy Sprinkles tapped aggressively. “Bitch comes in and makes the kid miss the punchline. No light, no warning, just a grab by the collar and swift kick to the chopped nuts out the doggy door. What’s the point of describing human-centipeding my own family straight raw dog for 35 minutes if I don’t even get to say The Aristocrats?!”

At press time Mr. Tummy Sprinkles had been rehomed to a one-bedroom apartment where he continues to be doted on by eight open-mic comics.

Photo courtesy of YouTube. 

We Tried Looking Back on HBO’s “Real Sex” but They Scrubbed That Shit So Yeah, Okay HBO, I’m the One Who Got Me Into Clown Orgies

Posted on by Dan Rice

If you’re anything like me, by which I mean anyone between the ages of 10 and 45 in 1995, then HBO’s docu-series Real Sex had a profound impact on the way you now masturbate to things that physically repulse you the second you’re done climaxing.

We thought it would be fun to revisit the series that permanently deviated our sexuality into objectively disgusting avenues forever. Unfortunately, the show is mysteriously missing from HBOmax.

In fact, one would be hard pressed to find evidence that Real Sex was ever on HBO or that it even existed at all. So okay, yeah HBO, I guess I go to a seedy fuck-machine competition in Reno every year now because I sought that shit out of my own volition. I guess I’M the fucking weirdo here, huh?

It’s so weird because my ENTIRE GRADUATING CLASS has this shared memory of being scarred permanently by clown sex and masturbation groups for the elderly because our hotel rooms had HBO during the 8th grade Washington trip but no, I guess we all just simultaneously IMAGINED the whole fucking thing, is that right HBO?

Here I am sitting back to back with my partner in the lotus position, me dressed as a giant baby and her as Fidel Castro, trying to make each other cum through tantric energies alone, under the impression that some EXTERNAL THING we saw on late night TV put this shit in our heads but no! I guess we’re just really fucking creative!

Oh, I know, maybe it’s a rights issue, like how they don’t have Tales From The Crypt because someone else owns The Crypt Keeper. Maybe that couple in San Francisco who owned that puppy-players exclusive bakery were someone else’s intellectual property, and that’s why it’s not on HBOmax with like literally everything else they’ve ever made including Arles. Oh they’re not? Well then what the FUCK HBO?!

If you’re going to turn an entire generation of people into incurable perverts disgusted by their own browser history, fucking OWN that shit. Star Wars took responsibility for the incest porn boom, now it’s HBO’s turn to do the right thing.

Opinion: I’m Only Eating This Baby to Gain the Mental and Physical Prowess I Need To Hunt Baby Eaters in the Deep State

Posted on by Dan Rice

Ever since Q provided all free-thinking patriots with irrefutable proof that our country is controlled by a shadow governing cabal of baby eating devil worshipers who themselves are in the pocket of shape-shifting lizard aliens, I’ve dedicated a lot of my free time to fighting the good fight. It’s been an uphill battle, but I think I’ve finally found a way to change that, unsavory as it might be.

Yes, I have access to a baby. Yes, I am going to eat said baby. But unlike those sicko pedophile Soros/Clinton acolyte fucks running our democracy into the ground, I won’t enjoy it. I’m only eating this baby for the mental and physical powers it’s adrenochrome will grant me, so that I can use them to STOP baby eating once and for all.

It’s time to level out the playing field, and unfortunately, that means making some difficult choices. Not only do these deep state lizard-shills enjoy the political/economical security and protection afforded by their elite status, even if you do manage to square off with one face to face you will be bested by the superpowers they’ve gained eating innocent little babies. Sometimes you need to fight fire with fire, or in this case a “California cheeseburger.”

A few years back, one of the heads of Greenpeace spoke out about her use of insulin to treat her diabetes. Greenpeace frowns on the use of insulin as it was tested on animals, but as she put it “I do so much positive work for animals that the ends justify the means.” So you see, me eating this baby, while horrible, is actually the best thing FOR babies in the long run, because of all the baby eater hunting I do.

I’m not looking for judgment here, I’ve already weighed the moral and ethical repercussions and determined that this is the logical course of action. What I am looking for is advice. Babies are hard to eat!

At first I was going to deep fry it like those songbirds rich people eat and swallow it whole. Unfortunately this may ruin the freshness of little Kevin here, and I need every drop of sweet sweet adrenochrome I can get if I’m gonna dismantle a whole dang shadow government by myself!

Fuck, why did I call him Kevin just now?! Ugh, naming this little tyke is going to make eating him all the more challenging. Oh well, you gotta do what you gotta do I guess. If anyone knows a good aioli recipe that would pair nicely with little Kevin here, hit me up!

Custodian’s Heavily Used Mop Mistaken for Rob Zombie

Posted on by Chris Bowen

GAINESVILLE, Fla. — A raggedy mop caused confusion among several attendees of the “Days of the Dead” horror convention when they confused the cleaning instrument for headlining guest Rob Zombie, confirmed disappointed, but not fully convinced sources.

“That mop is a family heirloom passed down from my father, from my father’s father, and eventually to me,” said head custodian George Crandall while fumbling through a huge ring of keys. “I could barely get any work done because a bunch of nerds would run up and ask to get their picture taken with it or to have it sign their DVD of the ‘Halloween’ remake. I tried everything to get people to stop bothering the mop, I dressed it in some old jeans, a crappy leather jacket, and a top hat, but that only made things worse. Way worse.”

Convention attendee Rachel Yueng explains her confusing run-in with the grotesque tool.

“The people that ran this convention should have never allowed that mop to be inside the building, it’s basically like having a Rob Zombie impersonator leaning up against a wall waiting to clean up a spill. I stood in line for an hour and a half because I wanted a photo only to have it by a smelly, wet mess. I guess I assumed the big cloud of flies over the front of the line must have been hovering over Rob,” Yueng said. “I wish I could say this was the first time this happened to me. I was at SeaWorld, and I could have sworn Marilyn Manson was standing right in front of me! Turns out it was just a really skinny girl in a grey wetsuit. My embarrassment never ends.”

Rob Zombie says these mistakes are still common despite efforts to clean up his look over the past few years.

“Back in the 90s and early 00s I would hear about this happening on a daily basis,” Zombie explained. “But being confused for a smelly dingy old mop has its advantages. Like if I have a lame photo shoot or promo to do, I just get a mop nice and dirty, maybe soak it in an old spittoon or something, and have it take my place. No one has ever even noticed it. Which actually kind of annoying because no way any stupid mop head could ever be as spooky or have as many dead bugs and shit in it as my hair does.”

At press time, several sources reported seeing the Toxic Avenger angrily swinging around Rob Zombie in his hands in front of the convention’s Troma booth.

City Stencils Image of Bicycle on Highway to Make it More Bike Friendly

Posted on by Harley Murgatroyd

TALLAHASSEE, Fla — City workers were observed adorning a busy four-lane highway with white stencils of bicycles early Tuesday morning in efforts to make the area ‘more bike-friendly,’ confirmed swaths of traffic-jammed onlookers.

“Hybrid cars are so popular now, I want you all to think of this like a hybrid lane,” stated city mayor John E. Dailey. “Our constituents were very direct with their needs. They want progress and to raise awareness for cyclists and I believe we’re achieving that here. Now drivers who are reaching speeds of up to 55 miles per hour will be aware they may need to swerve violently into other lanes. Safety is our priority here. No, this ‘bike lane’ will not be separated from normal highway traffic, the entire directive is based on a whopping budget of 72 American dollars for spray paint and the patience of highway drivers.”

City planner Damien Dugal, a partner with Wood+Partners, elaborated further on the cyclist safety efforts.

“Listen, we sent our best guys out there to spray paint these bike stencils and that paint is expected to last at least six months before being chipped away to something less than a shadow,” stated Dugal. “You’ve heard of five-over-one apartment architecture? Well these generic monuments to human cattle wouldn’t be complete without upgrading the highway they live on with massive amounts of medians adorned with brickwork and shit instead of installing space-wasting bike lanes. They’re all going the same direction anyway.”

Bike commuting citizens have shared mixed reactions to the city’s efforts.

“So what we’re seeing is clear progress, I’ll admit to that,” commented Logan Spotler, a long-time bike safety advocate. “Before the bikes were stenciled on the highway, drivers drove aggressively around us. It was as if they didn’t know we were allowed to share the road. Now they clearly can see we are sharing the space and, um, actually? It’s them being assholes when they’re frustrated to the point of angrily flooring it and screaming at me for going 15 miles per hour on a highway. I can’t help but notice the driver’s screaming and dangerous situations haven’t decreased in any sort of way, but there is absolutely a certain satisfaction of being in the right. They gave us that.”

At press time, city workers were spotted painting a massive “Black Lives Matter” stencil in the middle of a busy intersection.

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