Andrew Keith Spaulding, Author at HARDTIMES

Punk Wishes He And His Father Could Hate Biden For Same Reasons

Posted on June 22, 2022 by Stephen Bell

LANCASTER, Penn. — Local punk Jason Harris was disappointed that he is unable to bond with his father over their shared hatred of Joe Biden due to their diametrically opposed views they hold regarding the state of politics, confirmed several sources close to the father and son.

“When I heard my dad trashing Joe Biden I thought I might’ve finally found some common ground with the old man,” said the far-left Harris. “That piece of garbage hasn’t canceled student debt, he still sells arms to Saudi Arabia, and he licks the boots of cops so hard that his tongue is jet black. But my dad’s reasons for hating Joe Biden make no sense to me. Instead of shitting on the old dotard, I spent the entire conversation defending Joe Biden against weird accusations of coprophagia and explaining that he didn’t kill Princess Diana. What a waste of time!”

When asked for comment Jason’s father Josh Harris couldn’t believe how ignorant his son was about what made President Biden truly evil.

“I did some research and found out that he wakes up in the morning, eats several baby kidneys, and then changes the gas sign at the local gas station,” said the elder Harris who spends upwards of nine hours a day on Facebook. “I saw a video of him doing all these things on Telegram and my idiot son tried to convince me it was something called a ‘deep fake.’ The only faker around here is the lizard man Joe Biden! Have you seen the way his eyes shift between human and lizard? Pretty suspicious. It’s obvious to me it’s part of his communist plot to make us drive electric cars and reduce the nourishing gases that are released from our car’s exhaust pipes. Truly scary stuff.”

Family counselor Paul Mocarski thinks that if he truly wants to connect with his father, Jason should try to focus on the things they love, not hate.

“Hate just brings out the worst of us and isn’t a healthy way for people to bond,” explained Mocarski. “Find something innocuous to connect over. Why not play a nice game of cornhole or talk about the upcoming football season? If you constantly talk about politics and religion with your parents then you will eventually devolve into a Second Amendment argument and someone might end up getting shot in the foot, and nobody needs that.”

At press time, the father and son made some progress by agreeing that a Clinton personally killed Jeffrey Epstein, but vehemently disagreed about which one.

Mental Health Day No Match For Check Engine Light

Posted on June 22, 2022 by Zach Hudson

AKRON, Ohio — Local graphic designer Harper Staples’ rejuvenating mental health day took a devastating turn when their check engine light suddenly came on earlier today, confirmed sources sending thoughts and prayers.

“I had my whole day planned out perfectly. I slept in, I listened to a new podcast about The Red Ribbon Killer, I did yoga on my balcony, I was in the BEST mood,” said Staples. “I was on my way to the store to get the ingredients to make brownies and then a saw the dull orange glow of my check engine light turn on and I felt my soul leave my body. It was like all the negative energy in the world had a meeting and said ‘I know how we can fuck Harper over, let’s fuck with their car.’ I can’t even call out of work tomorrow and try again because of the quarterly sales meeting, which is like half the reason I needed this day in the first place.”

Staples remains hopeful that whatever was going on with their car was a quick, inexpensive fix, and promptly brought it to local mechanic Burt Gaines’ shop.

“One thing they teach you in automotive school is to have a good ‘bedside manner.’ I could tell this kid was in bad shape when they walked in and it will be tough delivering the news. It’s bad, like, really bad,” said Gaines. “I know Harper is hopeful that they can still make it to their favorite coffee shop to read on the patio later, but with these diagnostics, they’re certainly not getting there by car. And for this to happen on what was supposed to be their mental health day. How could anyone believe in God?”

Sarah Washman, an expert in self-care and author of several books on the subject including “Calm Apps and Afternoon Naps: Self-Care Tips for Millennials” couldn’t even offer any advice on how Staples could salvage this tragic attempt at a mental health day.

“Honestly, I’ve got nothing. There aren’t enough face masks and herbal teas in the world for a sudden onslaught of check engine light,” said Washman. “The trick to having a successful mental health day is to be able to turn off your problems and stressors beforehand. If a new problem of this magnitude presents itself, it’s best to just cut your losses and try again another time. I suppose they could try meditation, but that just seems laughable at this point.”

At press time, sources reported that Harper received a text from their boss while sitting at the mechanic, informing them that the entire board would now be attending the quarterly sales meeting.

How To Turn a Celebration of Community and Acceptance Into a Niche, Inter-Left Debate Nobody Wants To Have

Posted on June 22, 2022 by Colleen Nerney

Pride is the greatest of the highly symbolic months. A perfect time to attend a festival, get a second-degree burn, and maybe alcohol poisoning. But what would Pride be without the endless churning discourse machine of the modern Internet?

This is the time to take what in theory should be a communal celebration of identity and solidarity, and turn it into a micro-debate so niche that at the end of the day, the only winner is you. Here’s how to get that sweet clout in 7 easy steps.

1. Wrack your brain for something you can start shit about early!
First and foremost: it is NEVER too early to start thinking of ways to divide and irritate your so-called community. We suggest beginning to workshop ideas in January to make sure you have plenty of time to smooth out the finer points of your imaginary dialogue.

2. Start sowing the seeds of very strong opinions on Instagram
Once May starts, Pride will begin to creep into the public eye in Target ads and Instagram stories. Make it known that you have very strong convictions about whatever you’ve decided to stir up this year starting around May 15th or so to get a leg up on your competition.

3. Make it clear that those who disagree with you are either homophobes or don’t know their queer history.
Once the story replies and DMs start flooding in, be sure to repost screenshots of private conversations with long-winded and snarky replies. The two safest bets for shutting down any chance of a productive exchange are to either accuse your detractors of internalized homophobia or make it clear that they literally don’t know their own queer history. How embarrassing for them.

4. Mention children a lot for some reason.
Regardless of your in-fighting topic of choice, we’ve found that a surefire way to get your followers either angry or alienated as quickly as possible is to mention children a lot from any standpoint, even though almost no one involved has them and they’re pretty much irrelevant to your opponents.

5. Once parades and festivals start, don’t mention anything remotely positive about any of them.
We will not stand for pictures of Billy Porter with happy attendees or those nice ladies with the Free Mom Hugs signs when there are dozens of people deciding to be angry about [TEMPLATE: INSERT DISCOURSE HERE]!

6. Demand that your audience thank you monetarily for doing “the work.”
Listen, you’re the one speaking out against whatever it is you’re speaking out against here. Drop your Venmo handle every time you post as a subtle reminder that your audience literally owes you.

7. Repeat yearly until seasoned veterans stop attending Pride events altogether.
That’s what we wanted, right? Right?

Review: Yeah Yeah Yeahs “Cool It Down”

Posted on June 22, 2022 by Bobby Korec

New York indie rock pioneers Yeah Yeah Yeahs are back with a new studio album titled “Cool It Down” which will be their first record in nearly 10 years.

Yeah Yeah Yeahs burst onto the scene in the mid-2000s. Not much was known about them at first except that they formed in New York City. And you know what they say. NYC is the greatest city in the world. I would know firsthand as someone who’s lived here for almost an entire three months.

Sure, I may have never actually set foot in an international metropolitan area before for comparison, but I can assure you that this city is the greatest one on Earth. Except of course for Times Square. If you ever visit here, absolutely do not go to that tourist trap.

So, to recap, New York is the greatest city, not counting that one place with all the huge TV screens yelling at you. Also, not counting the 15-block radius surrounding Times Square obviously. Well, that and Staten Island. Can’t forget that one. While we’re at it, throw out 75% of Queens too. Also, the Bronx. That’s where the Yankees play. Go Mets!

The Statue of Liberty and Rockefeller Center can indefensibly go fuck themselves too. Not to mention the Empire State Building, Flatiron Building, and One World Trade Center. Just avoid tall buildings in general. Never know when an air conditioner is going to fall out a window and instantly kill you.

Also, stay clear of all apartments. They’re inherently cramped and infested with cockroaches, rats, and bed bugs. Public places are a no-go too. They’re flat out dirty as hell.

Did I miss anything? Oh, avoid most of Brooklyn. It used to be cool but it’s gotten gentrified ever since I moved there six weeks ago. Can you believe apartments used to cost as little as $4,000 a month in Bushwick before those good-for-nothing gentrifiers moved in? Now I can barely afford brunch using my parents’ credit card. Soon I’ll be displaced from my loft and be forced to relocate to Manhattan proper. Ugh!

Anyway, besides those places, New York is clearly the greatest city in the world. It’s got everything you could possibly want, like restaurants, bars, and at least one park. You know, stuff other cities don’t have.

In conclusion, the Big Apple spawned the Yeah Yeah Yeahs, so that’s one thing it’s got going for it.

Score: 10 out of 10 pizza slices folded symmetrically in half.

/**/

Record Store Celebrates Millionth Customer to Look Around a Bit Then Leave

Posted on June 21, 2022 by Nick Lundquist

MILWAUKEE — Employees at the Stacked Rack record store joyously celebrated their millionth customer to come in, look around for a bit, and then leave without buying anything, several excited sources confirm.

“This is a dream come true for us,” said owner Kellan Copley while wiping tears from his eyes. “When I first opened this store eight years ago, I never thought we’d make it to our millionth person to stare blankly at a record before putting it back in the wrong spot and then quickly leave the store without making eye contact with anyone. But look at us now! We can’t wait to continue re-organizing our inventory for the next million visitors who have absolutely no intention of making a purchase.”

Eyewitnesses report that Logan Peterson, the millionth customer, wandered around the shop for nearly 15 minutes, displaced nine different albums in the process, and even spilled some coffee on the floor.

“I guess that’s pretty cool. I figured I’d just stop in while my girlfriend is getting her hair cut,” said Peterson while gesturing towards a copy of ‘Peace Sells… but Who’s Buying?’ that is now sitting in the Folk section. “I felt kind of awkward because I was the only guy in there and the clerk up front asked if he could help me find anything nearly a dozen times. I don’t even own a record player, I was sort of hoping they would have a used DVD section or something. I just carried around a few records I thought were cool until I got the text that my girlfriend was ready to go.”

Local consumer expert Liza Berryman weighed in on the importance of the event, claiming it to be a huge milestone for music retailers across the country.

“Although brick and mortar stores are struggling, it’s inspiring to see that the little guys can still draw eyeballs on their products before people buy them on Amazon instead,” said Berryman. “It’s not just the big chains getting their stuff browsed and unbought, mom and pop shops can be ignored too! These people aren’t just walking in asking ‘do you have a bathroom I can use?’ So I have no doubt in my mind that this exposure will encourage more people to visit their local record store with open hearts and empty checkout bags.”

At press time, the Stacked Rack has not successfully sold any records since the celebration despite being well into the third week of their going-out-of-business sale.

Just Because I Support This Farmer’s Market Doesn’t Mean I Expect To Pay Full Price

Posted on June 21, 2022 by Doug Kolic

There’s nothing like getting up early on a Saturday and heading over to this Farmer’s Market that I’ve always supported. But if these vendors expect me to pay full price, I’m gonna lose my shit!

Most of these growers have deep connections to the land that dates back generations, or they’re hard-working immigrants who put their blood, sweat, and tears into providing us with healthy, sustainable food. But thirty dollars for a jar of honey? I better be on a hidden prank show right now because I could buy an eight-pack from Costco for half that price.

I’ll give you ten bucks but you have to throw in some of this organic coconut oil – my rescue cats love it. These places would never survive without people like me. I literally post hundreds of selfies every week when I’m here. Free advertising, you’re welcome!

If you farmers expect me to pay $15 for eggs they better be Goop-approved and double as a sexual aid. Sure they’re delicious and locally sourced, but we don’t want the health inspector getting an anonymous/bogus complaint about a salmonella outbreak, do we? Let’s work together so that doesn’t happen again! I’ll give you five bucks, final offer.

I’m actually not just a shopper anymore, I’m a merchant too! I got inspired to create jewelry after buying amazing items here from a Bolivian artist named Sofia, who graciously took me under her wings and taught me how to make my own stuff!

In exchange, I gave her tips I learned watching Shark Tank, like the importance of having the right price point otherwise you’ll be undercut by your competitors and forced out of business, both things which ironically happened to her because of me.

Looks like I have some interested customers checking out bracelets. Nothing makes me happier than talking to people who appreciate the craftsmanship that went into making these little pieces of art.

But if any of these assholes try to haggle with me again, I’ll burn this entire place to the ground!
Remember, support local!

Umlaut Unnecessary

Posted on June 21, 2022 by Tyler Roland

FRANKENMUTH, Mich. — Local grindcore band Ültimate Castration came under fire for adding a completely unnecessary umlaut over the ‘u’ in its name, an addition that does not serve any linguistic function.

“Before they added it, they were just a kickass local band that I let crash at my place once or twice,” said former friend of the band Jens Stevenson, of the uncalled-for umlaut addition to the name. “But now they’re way too serious, and those dots are the icing on the cake. They think that the umlaut will cement their supposed status as heir to the Assück throne. Now I can’t even look them up without using a goddamn alt code, not that I would ever need or want to.”

Lead singer Justin Merlman maintains that the umlaut adds untold value to the band.

“Yeah, man, all of these legendary bands have those little dots, whatever the fuck they’re called, in their names,” Merlman explained. “Tørsö, Leftöver Crack…that’s the real deal right there. We’re just following in their footsteps with this little upgrade. Plus it adds credibility, like how they say a teardrop tattoo means you killed someone. It represents something more than the dots. I don’t give a fuck what they’re supposed to do for pronunciation.”

Band name analyst Sadie Smith confirmed that this incorrect umlaut usage is not an isolated case.

“I’ve spent the last few weeks looking through band name registries, and the results are grim,” Smith disclosed. “There’s been a huge uptick in bands adding umlauts for purely aesthetic reasons. Hell, there’s even a group out there named Umlaut!, which I guess is actually preferred, in my opinion. Just because you’re putting two dots over an ‘o’ in your name doesn’t mean you’re the next Motörhead.”

At time of press, Ültimate Castration’s drummer suggested that the band “add whatever that little curly shit French people use” underneath the ‘c’ in their name instead.

Paul Rudd Reveals Secret to Eternal Youth Is Diet, Exercise, Not Having 60 Hour a Week Soul-Crushing Job

Posted on June 21, 2022 by Louie Aronowitz

LOS ANGELES — Notoriously youthful megastar Paul Rudd recently stated his youthful appearance is the result of self-care, genetics, and not spending all day every day working a pointless, mind-numbing soul-crushing job.

“Sitting at a desk answering emails that don’t matter and logging into meetings about nothing will really age a person,” Rudd commented en route to the official Marvel day spa for a day of mud masks and laser hair treatments. “But the truth is with a little effort, anyone can keep their skin wrinkle-free. It all comes down to eating right, hitting the gym, and getting paid $20 million to be camera-ready instead of dealing with crap like being on the phone with the offsite consultant for your entire lunch break because your calendar is already full of meetings the rest of the day.”

Rudd’s entourage of personal trainers, dieticians, and assistants unanimously agreed their respective positions on his team helped retain his looks.

“Working out instead of circling back to pinging coworkers will always help retain that boyish appearance; but helping a movie star maintain said appearance does not retain one’s own youthful glow,” added fitness expert Richard Louis. “Much like some kind of charismatic, youth-sucking vampire, working for Paul Rudd has aged me so much that I now look like I’m 53… and I’m only 33.”

Biologist Dr. Jennifer Marks confirmed Rudd’s assumption through her own extensive research.

“A daily routine of skin care and healthy lifestyle combined with a team of assistants running every second of one’s life in place of gradually rotting into a living corpse in a windowless cubicle from the time you wake up until the time you have to start getting ready to go to sleep is certainly the recipe for immortality,” Marks stated. “Humans need sunlight, so if you go into your underpaid underappreciated torturous slog before the sun comes up, then leave after the sunsets, all while working under fluorescent lighting, well, you’re in trouble.”

At press time, an investigative reporter had presented evidence that Rudd’s looks are not the result of genetics and a life of leisure, but instead due to the cursed portrait in his attic.

Guy In Mastodon Shirt Can’t Even Name Three Pleistocene Migration Routes

Posted on June 20, 2022 by Zach Hudson

NEW YORK — Local metalhead Mark Calhoune confidently wore a Mastodon shirt to the Museum of Natural History despite not being able to name a single Pleistocene migration pattern, confirmed museum staff who wish they could enforce a “no posers” policy.

“Look, I just wanted to take my kids to the museum, and this was the only clean shirt in my drawer. I didn’t realize it would upset so many people,” said Calhoune, who was pressing a large picture book to his chest so his family could browse the gift shop in peace. “No, I can’t name a single migration route, I can’t tell you what they ate, and I can’t tell you what their natural predators were, ok? I just want everyone to leave me alone. I promised my kids we could spend the whole day here but I don’t know how much more I can take. If one more dork comes up to me and asks about the closest living relative to the Mastodon I’m going to lose my mind.”

Calhoune reports that he has been approached by several people wanting to discuss fossil records, and speculate on what drove the massive creatures to extinction, including museum staff member Jeffery Hall.

“It’s not often that I get the opportunity to talk to a guest who’s genuinely interested in learning more than just the baseline information about the mighty mastodon, so when I saw his shirt I got excited,” said Hall. “But turns out he’s just another run-of-the-mill poser. I mean come on, this guy didn’t even know the genus that mastodons belong to. That’s like the first thing they teach you in Paleontology school. You can’t wear that shirt and then get mad when people call you out for turning what’s a lifestyle for some of us into an ironic fashion statement.”

Mastodon’s guitarist/vocalist Brent Hinds says this is not the first time a fan of his band has been harassed for their lack of knowledge.

“If I could give one piece of advice to all the Mastodon fans out there it would be: make sure you wear our merch around like-minded metalheads,” said Hinds. “To this day we get people coming to our shows who think it’s some sort of pop-up fossil exhibit. We just thought it was a cool name. I know nothing about the creatures other than that they look like they were pretty badass. People will try and gatekeep anything, even an animal that went extinct millions of years ago.”

At press time, sources reported that Calhoune had gone to the car to change into a different shirt, but was now being approached by museum attendees and staff wanting to talk about Primitive Man.

How To Weaponize 1990s Nostalgia

Posted on June 20, 2022 by Jus Kaplan

Few forces in this world are more powerful than nostalgia. When wielded correctly, this incredible emotion can be used to unify entire generations — or to tear them apart.

If you’re keen to cause chaos among a crowd of millennials, here are some talking points on how to weaponize nostalgia from arguably its most potent decade: the 1990s.

Rugrats
Ask why they never once mentioned the 1991 fall of the Soviet Union, which took place while season 1 was airing. I thought Tommy Pickles was a bright, geopolitically informed baby, but his silence on the matter makes one question his moral compass.

Beanie Babies
If someone brings up that they still have a collection of Beanie Babies in their parent’s attic, remind them they are absolutely worthless these days, just like a college education. Stop saving stuffed animals like you’re a dorky Steve Urkel and learn to weld like Tim “The Toolman” Taylor!

Seinfeld
Ask if anyone knows what the guy who played Cosmo Kramer is up to these days. Or the 17-year-old Jerry Seinfeld dated in the ’90s when he was 39, for that matter. Maybe they can fill you in!

Pogs
Collectible fads are directly responsible for the consumerist culture that plagues America today. Then it was overpriced milk caps, now it’s oat milk lattes, meditation crystals, and designer dogs. Gen X would never waste their money like that!

Clarissa Explains It All
Oh, she does? Well here’s one glaring omission: Critical Race Theory. More like ‘Clarissa Only Explains What Viacom Feels Fragile White Viewers Want To Hear’!

Snacks
Anytime a friend mentions Dunkarooos, Gushers or Hi-C Ecto Cooler, remind them of the product’s culpability in the sugar industrial complex, the obesity epidemic and the rise of diabetes.

Super Soakers
Gun violence.

JNCO
Whenever you see a Gen Zer wearing them, let them know your cousin wore a pair to Woodstock ‘99. Also mention that he’s still serving time for arson after setting fire to multiple merch booths while Limp Bizkit was playing “Nookie.”

OJ Simpson
Remind everyone about the NFL’s continued disregard for player safety and the risk of CTE. Oh, plus he murdered people!

New York indie rock pioneers Yeah Yeah Yeahs are back with a new studio album titled “Cool It Down” which will be their first record in nearly 10 years.

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