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Mental Health Day No Match For Check Engine Light

AKRON, Ohio — Local graphic designer Harper Staples’ rejuvenating mental health day took a devastating turn when their check engine light suddenly came on earlier today, confirmed sources sending thoughts and prayers.

“I had my whole day planned out perfectly. I slept in, I listened to a new podcast about The Red Ribbon Killer, I did yoga on my balcony, I was in the BEST mood,” said Staples. “I was on my way to the store to get the ingredients to make brownies and then a saw the dull orange glow of my check engine light turn on and I felt my soul leave my body. It was like all the negative energy in the world had a meeting and said ‘I know how we can fuck Harper over, let’s fuck with their car.’ I can’t even call out of work tomorrow and try again because of the quarterly sales meeting, which is like half the reason I needed this day in the first place.”

Staples remains hopeful that whatever was going on with their car was a quick, inexpensive fix, and promptly brought it to local mechanic Burt Gaines’ shop.

“One thing they teach you in automotive school is to have a good ‘bedside manner.’ I could tell this kid was in bad shape when they walked in and it will be tough delivering the news. It’s bad, like, really bad,” said Gaines. “I know Harper is hopeful that they can still make it to their favorite coffee shop to read on the patio later, but with these diagnostics, they’re certainly not getting there by car. And for this to happen on what was supposed to be their mental health day. How could anyone believe in God?”

Sarah Washman, an expert in self-care and author of several books on the subject including “Calm Apps and Afternoon Naps: Self-Care Tips for Millennials” couldn’t even offer any advice on how Staples could salvage this tragic attempt at a mental health day.

“Honestly, I’ve got nothing. There aren’t enough face masks and herbal teas in the world for a sudden onslaught of check engine light,” said Washman. “The trick to having a successful mental health day is to be able to turn off your problems and stressors beforehand. If a new problem of this magnitude presents itself, it’s best to just cut your losses and try again another time. I suppose they could try meditation, but that just seems laughable at this point.”

At press time, sources reported that Harper received a text from their boss while sitting at the mechanic, informing them that the entire board would now be attending the quarterly sales meeting.