MILWAUKEE — Employees at the Stacked Rack record store joyously celebrated their millionth customer to come in, look around for a bit, and then leave without buying anything, several excited sources confirm.
“This is a dream come true for us,” said owner Kellan Copley while wiping tears from his eyes. “When I first opened this store eight years ago, I never thought we’d make it to our millionth person to stare blankly at a record before putting it back in the wrong spot and then quickly leave the store without making eye contact with anyone. But look at us now! We can’t wait to continue re-organizing our inventory for the next million visitors who have absolutely no intention of making a purchase.”
Eyewitnesses report that Logan Peterson, the millionth customer, wandered around the shop for nearly 15 minutes, displaced nine different albums in the process, and even spilled some coffee on the floor.
“I guess that’s pretty cool. I figured I’d just stop in while my girlfriend is getting her hair cut,” said Peterson while gesturing towards a copy of ‘Peace Sells… but Who’s Buying?’ that is now sitting in the Folk section. “I felt kind of awkward because I was the only guy in there and the clerk up front asked if he could help me find anything nearly a dozen times. I don’t even own a record player, I was sort of hoping they would have a used DVD section or something. I just carried around a few records I thought were cool until I got the text that my girlfriend was ready to go.”
Local consumer expert Liza Berryman weighed in on the importance of the event, claiming it to be a huge milestone for music retailers across the country.
“Although brick and mortar stores are struggling, it’s inspiring to see that the little guys can still draw eyeballs on their products before people buy them on Amazon instead,” said Berryman. “It’s not just the big chains getting their stuff browsed and unbought, mom and pop shops can be ignored too! These people aren’t just walking in asking ‘do you have a bathroom I can use?’ So I have no doubt in my mind that this exposure will encourage more people to visit their local record store with open hearts and empty checkout bags.”
At press time, the Stacked Rack has not successfully sold any records since the celebration despite being well into the third week of their going-out-of-business sale.