‘FF7 Remake’ Only $60 If You Don’t Count the $300 PS4

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

TOKYO — Square Enix released a high-quality remaster of its epic classic Final Fantasy 7 at the reasonable price of $60 USD, assuming you don’t count the cost of a PlayStation 4.

“I was just going to skip the PS4 altogether, since none of the games really caught my attention. I made my decision to get the Switch and now I am regretting that choice,” said Final Fantasy 7 fan Patrick Danielson. “That was until the remake came out, and now I am essentially buying a whole console for a single game. I was looking into refurbished units, but I don’t feel that pays enough respect to the legacy of VII.”

Despite the massive extra cost for many fans, Square Enix stood by its decision to only release the game on PlayStation 4.

“We believe that sixty American dollars is a fair price for a high-definition rerelease of one of the greatest stories in video game history,” Square Enix President Yosuke Matsuda said at a press conference. “Sure, maybe we could have offered this nostalgia bait on Steam or GOG, but the real fans will happily buy an entire system just for the detail in Sephiroth’s hair.”

The academic community also came to the defense of Square Enix, as video game historian Violet Strickland insisted that fans like Danielson were overreacting.

“At least there are a few other good games for the PS4. This is all part of being a video game fan,” Strickland said. “I bought an Xbox just for Halo in 2001. And no one will forget ‎Alien vs Predator‎ for the Atari Jaguar, but name another Jaguar game. The worst was when everyone bought a Sega Saturn for literally no good games to be released for it at all. This is just how it works, and one thing is for sure: the way it works is good and should never change.”

There were also reports that Danielson planned to build an entire PC tower for $1,500 so he could download Stardew Valley for $8.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:



Embarrassed Scorsese Admits ‘Gangs of New York’ Was Based on ‘Fire Emblem: Genealogy of the Holy War’

Posted on by Kevin Flynn

NEW YORK — Putting his past remarks about the legitimacy of Marvel movies and the nerd culture boom into new context, an embarrassed Martin Scorcese admitted to the press yesterday that his 2002 epic crime drama Gangs of New York was actually loosely adapted from the 1996 Japan-only Super Famicom game Fire Emblem: Genealogy of the Holy War. 

“I still regret all of the people I upset when I said that Marvel movies aren’t real movies,” began Scorcese’s statement, posted as a screenshot of the iPhone Notes app on various social media channels maintained by the Oscar-winning director’s production company. “Deep down, I think I was repressing my own heritage as a rabid otaku and Super Famicom import enthusiast. That’s why I finally want to come clean about the fact that Gangs of New York was actually adapted from the plot of Genealogy of the Holy War, which I think is one of the best unlocalized Fire Emblem titles.”

“This might not be a surprise to anyone familiar with FE:GotHW,” Scorcese’s statement continued. “The continent of Jugdral, where the game takes place, is divided among eight countries vying for dominance, much like the way the gangs in the film struggle for control over the Five Points neighborhood of 19th-century Manhattan. The journey of Amsterdam Vallon to kill Bill the Butcher and avenge his father Priest Vallon is also heavily drawn from GotHW’s plotline, where — spoiler warning! — the son of Prince Sigurd works in secrecy to defeat the Loptyr cult and avenge his father, Prince Sigurd, and ascend to the throne of Grannvale. I actually set up Leo [DiCaprio] with a translated ROM of the game when he was preparing for the role because I thought this parallel was so important.”

Sources say that Scorcese’s confessional stretched on for five full screenshots of the Notes app in subsequent posts, as the filmmaker dutifully ranked each unlocalized Fire Emblem game before concluding with instructions on how to emulate them from wowroms.com.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:



Birth Control Taken at Exact Same Time Every Few Days

Posted on by Dom Turek

GARLAND, Texas — Local woman Kristen Tate practices safe sex by taking her birth control at the exact same time once every few days if she remembers to or whenever it’s on hand, Tate admitted earlier today.

“I’m not ready to be a mom, which is why I’m careful to take my birth control at exactly 8:00 p.m. at least a few times a week,” said Tate, popping three days worth of missed pills into her hand. “Luckily, birth control pills are a lot like vitamins, which is why it’s okay to miss one here and there. You can’t expect to have these things refilled exactly when you run out every month anyway. So, like I say about exercise — or calling my parents back — everything in moderation.”

Tate’s on-again, off-again boyfriend of five months Chad Abbott wished he could do more to prevent unwanted pregnancy, and does his best, regardless.

“I always assumed she was on the birth control patch,” said Abbott, incorrectly referring to the nicotine patch Tate’s been wearing for several months. “‘Her body, her choice’ is what I’ve always said when it’s most convenient for me. I’d help out if I could, but there’s no male birth control pill on the market and unfortunately we’re both allergic to latex or whatever condoms are made of… so those are completely out of the question. For health reasons.”

Health care professionals reccommend couples use a back-up method of birth control if the pill is not taken as directed, such as condoms, spermicide, or jumping up and down right after sex.

“Kristen is not allergic to latex,” said Dr. Claire Mendez, Tate’s primary healthcare physician. “Just because you don’t like something doesn’t mean you’re allergic to it. If taken correctly, the pill alone can be very safe and effective at preventing an unwanted pregnancy, but something tells me her pack of birth control looks like an unfinished game of Connect Four. Only infertility or a bum ovary can save her now.”

At press time, Tate was overheard blaming this month’s moon cycle on her period being three weeks late.

Opinion: There’s No Such Thing as a Good Police Academy Movie

Posted on by Louie Aronowitz

As the old adage goes, ACAB:

All
Cop movies
Are
Bad

Yeah, I said it. If we ever want to have another Police Academy movie, the entire thing needs to be completely rebooted from scratch, because it is problematic from start to finish. The only good Police Academy movie is a DEAD Police Academy Movie… Like in 2003 when they tried to announce the eighth installment to the franchise, and it went directly to development hell where all Police Academies belong.

Every single joke is done to death. They kill as many as they can with zero remorse. Seriously, the cops in the movie will take something wonderful and beautiful, with a life of its own, and just lean on it way too hard until it’s a lifeless shell; It is comedic brutality at its worst. From the ridiculous story to the outlandish set pieces, this thing that people claim is a hero’s journey, is the furthest thing from it. The real hero in this story is whoever finally kills the Police Academy franchise for good.

Now, some will try and convince you that there are good people involved. For instance, Bobcat and Guttenberg are notoriously kind and generous people. Michael Winslow is brilliantly talented. But letting the filmmakers get away with something so horrible, means they are complacent, and thus, part of the problem. They did not need to make six additional movies, they could have walked out at any point, especially upon seeing the scripts.

This is not an isolated problem though. It’s not just Police Academy. Hollywood is constantly pushing franchises with dumb plots and absurd humor; the problem is systemic. Just because a director is able to shoot a movie, doesn’t mean they should. These people should be better trained to know when to shoot and when not to. When to let a scene breathe. When to force tears from the audience when to start fight scenes, all of it. It’s the producers running Hollywood that need to hold these directors accountable.

What worries me most about this is that even if we dismantle the system and start over, Gutenberg is going to continue getting those residuals. How dare he simply disappear into retirement and live off those monthly checks after mercilessly killing a franchise with so much potential! We have to put a stop to this immediately. No Police Academy 8, no Super Troopers 3, and definitely no Die Hard 11, or whichever one they’re up to by now. It’s time we get rid of an outdated and useless system.

Except for Lethal Weapon, there’s literally nothing problematic about those movies, or anyone involved in making them so they get a pass.

White Woman Calls The Police A Better Band Than The Beatles

Posted on by Anthony Robinson


NEW YORK — Local white woman Rebecca Shulz went viral today after calling The Police a better band than The Beatles in what witnesses described as a “baffling situation.”

“I thought this was going to be like all of the other viral moments you see on Twitter,” said Nora Kain, a black woman who was in Central Park listening to the classic Beatles album “Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band” from her portable radio at a park table when Shulz approached her about the music. “‘She’s Leaving Home’ came on, and all of a sudden some white lady with highlights came over yelling, ‘All British Bands Matter!’ all hysterical. So, I pulled my phone out and started recording.”

Witnesses report Shulz then called the Police’s “Synchronicity” a “superior album” while Kain looked on, visibly upset.

“That white lady was so unreasonable,” recalled eyewitness Noam DeMarco. “Everyone has their preferences, but that’s a ‘hot take’ right there. Even though ‘Synchronicity’ is a great album as their last work together, achieving some experimentation with well-written songs, ‘Sgt. Pepper’ clearly made a bigger cultural impact and was far more memorable.”

“Plus, The Police are posers who switched over from punk rock to generic, reggae-influenced new wave songs and boring ballads,” he added.

Unsurprisingly, Shulz defended her opinion and confrontation.

“I called The Police a better band because I’m tired of Beatles fans coming into my neighborhood, thinking they’re the only good British pop band out there,” she stated. “Where I’m from, we show respect to The Police. The Police don’t get enough credit for the hard work and dedication they put into songs like ‘Roxanne’ and ‘Every Breath You Take’ — even songs like ‘So Lonely’ and ‘Walking on the Moon’ and ‘Message in a Bottle’ are bangers. Beatles fans aren’t welcome.”

At press time, the situation had de-escalated, leaving Kain relieved that “at least it wasn’t about racism this time. Still an annoying white lady, though.”

Girlfriend Really Dragging Her Feet in Co-Op Game She’s Being Forced to Play

Posted on by Kevin Flynn

BROCKTON, Mass. — Noting the fact that she keeps falling behind to the edge of the screen and dying repeatedly, local gamer Tyler Benson says that his girlfriend Marie Wentworth is really dragging her feet in the co-op game of Kirby: Star Allies that she’s being forced to play.

“Usually Marie’s got great attention to detail, but she’s gotta tighten up right now because it’s really weighing us both down,” said Benson, who purchased Kirby: Star Allies because of the advertised co-op mode before checking with Wentworth to see if she was even interested in playing the game with him. “I mean, no offense but Kirby isn’t even that hard! And it’s not just within the game, either. She’s been lagging like this ever since I showed her the game and suggested that we stay in this evening and give it a shot. It took 20 minutes just to get her to pick up a Joy-Con and choose a character. What gives?”

Benson says that this has happened almost every time that he and his girlfriend have played co-op at his suggestion. He’s beginning to think that this pattern of behavior means that Wentworth might just not be very good at video games.

“Usually, when we play co-op, I try to help her out by telling her which buttons to press, and then she starts to seem even less engaged and frustrated with the game. It usually ends in an argument, too. I guess that was to be expected when we played Overcooked, but who gets mad playing Luigi’s Mansion 3? I’m starting to think she has an anger problem.”

At press time, Wentworth had reportedly stepped away from the game to use the bathroom and stayed inside for 15 minutes.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:



Following Patch, Overwatch Cereal Now Part of a Well-Balanced Breakfast

Posted on by Andrew Darling

BATTLE CREEK, Mich. —  Following criticism of the Overwatch themed breakfast cereal’s initial release, Kellogg’s announced that their Lucio Oh’s cereal has received a massive update this week to ensure that it’s part of a well-balanced breakfast.

“We heard our customers’ feedback that the yellow oh’s needed to be nerfed, so we’ve reduced their flavorfulness by 20 percent,” said Kellogg’s marketing representative Linday Carrothers in a prepared statement. “We’ve also increased the hitboxes on the green oh’s after hearing many reports that they were a choking hazard to small children. There are various other minor updates that make version 1.1 of Lucio Oh’s a huge improvement over the vanilla edition. And just to clarify, they are still vanilla flavored. We wouldn’t mess with that.”

“I’m so relieved they patched out marshmallows in this build,” says mother of two Wendy Larson. “I really didn’t want to have to nerf my kids’ sugar intake myself, but I couldn’t just change cereals.”

Although the reception to this news was generally positive, some negative comments have been voiced online by a small but vocal group of fans.

“The goddamn cereal was perfect the way it was,” says avid cereal and Overwatch fan Matt Skelton. “This is going to fuck with my entire breakfast meta. I need to head to CostCo as soon as I can and figure out a new loadout from scratch.”

Kellogg’s executives were surprised but encouraged by the enthusiastic response to the cereal’s update.

“We weren’t expecting this kind of response,” said Kellogg’s CEO Steve Cahillane. “No one even seemed to notice when we pulled ‘Battleborn Bunches of Oats’ from shelves.”

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:



Millennial Excited to Return to Pokémon Snap With Photography Degree Under His Belt

Posted on by Giovanni Colantonio

CAMBRIDGE, Mass. — A millennial gamer who grew up with Pokémon Snap is excited to play the new Nintendo Switch version now that he has a photography degree under his belt.

“I played Pokémon Snap so much as a kid,” reminisced unemployed photographer Steve Weston. “But I always held a grudge against Professor Oak, because he’d constantly criticize my technique. Well, four years at Ithaca College and $42,000 later, I’m excited to show that old hack that he doesn’t know the first thing about capturing the essence of a Diglett.”

Following the announcement, Weston dug up his old portfolio, which was full of Pokémon Snap photos he printed at his local Blockbuster growing up. While he stood by his early works, he conceded that some of the framing could have benefited by following the rule of thirds.

“Steve was always an interesting student,” explained his old professor Patricia Levy. “He had a curious eye, but I never understood why he took all of his photos from the front seat of his car. I begged him to just stay stationary when shooting and use a tripod, but he insisted that a real photographer never stopped moving.”

To prepare for New Pokémon Snap’s release, Weston began brushing up on his nature photography skills. Neighbors complained that he wouldn’t stop sneaking into their backyards and throwing apples at squirrels. 

“I love the arts and I respect Steve’s profession,” vented Weston’s next door neighbor Martha Lange. “I just don’t really get what he’s doing. Why is he harassing wild animals and taking random pictures of them? Is that art? What do they even teach you in photography class?”

While Weston said that his current budget is a little tight thanks to student debt, he’s hoping to pick up enough freelance work before the game’s launch to pay for a copy of it with exposure.

How Rapid Cycling Helped Me Lose All That Pesky Emotional Weight

Posted on by V.F. Thompson

Between the emotional eating and the prolonged periods of immobility, a lengthy depressive episode is a fast track to weight gain. Fortunately, I discovered an emotional weight-loss method sure to tone your core down so slim, the world will see your barely-beating heart. It’s called “rapid cycling” and I’ve learned how to use this crippling psychological phenomenon to your weight-loss advantage!

Have you ever thought to yourself “I’m bored and I’m sad and my housemates are asleep so now seems like a good time to start a fire in the front yard?” If so, you might be experiencing what my shrink and crying ex-girlfriends call rapid cycling. Rapid cycling means quickly flipping between manic and depressive states. For most people, this isn’t the fun kind of flipping, like candy-flipping, but once you get in touch with your inner Mad Victorian Beggar Woman, the possibilities for losing loved ones and those last few pesky pounds before swimsuit season!

As I write this, I’m fresh out of ten days of basket-weaving and navel-gazing at the psych ward and ready to rejoin the world sleeker and toned. Sure, maybe my housemates moved all my stuff out when I was gone, but look at these emotionally-sculpted abs. This emotional weight and friend-loss regimen will make you the envy of all your ward mates, past and future.

Like any part of mental health, this may sound big and scary at first. But with a little practice, and maybe even a little lighter fluid, you too can burn your life (and your fat!) to the ground in a single weekend.

Woman Prefers to Have Zoom Sex with Video Off

Posted on by Kate Howard

FORT WALTON BEACH, Fla. — Quarantined woman Andrea Wolfe admitted today that she prefers Zoom sex sans video with her new boyfriend Brad Mikulski, who is social distancing at his parents’ house in New Orleans.

“I just feel more comfortable keeping my tits off screen,” Wolfe confided over an audio-only Zoom interview. “I don’t want the government spying on me through my camera while I have sex. And it’s only a matter of time before Brad and I are Zoom-bombed during our recurring scheduled meetings. I feel like maybe we should set a password or enable the waiting room thing or something, but that just seems so unspontaneous.”

While Wolfe’s reluctance to strip down on screen is more due to anxiety about virtual peeping toms, Mikulski is upset by his girlfriend’s preference.

“It makes me feel like she’s not interested in me. I’m always requesting that she turn her video on during calls, but she never accepts,” said a frustrated and dejected Mikulski. “She’s freaking out way too much about people possibly hacking our online hookups. I actually think it’d be hot if someone was watching… I mean, look, it’s her choice to do what she wants with her body, but I’m pretty sure it’s my right to look at it.”

An online creep who regularly hacks into the couple’s meetings confirmed that the pair’s sex life doesn’t seem to be doing so great auditorily, either.

“If I’m being honest, the audio on their calls is so bad that I’ve stopped eavesdropping on them recently. Her connection’s always going out, and the dude’s microphone has way too much static to hear anything good. Someone needs to tell him about the mute button,” the creep said, who asked to remain anonymous. “Plus, a lot of times the girl sounds like she’s just watching ‘Grey’s Anatomy’ instead of really participating. My guess is they’ll break up soon, but for now they’re trying to salvage their relationship by relying on the chat feature on Zoom… and based on some of these weak messages I’m reading, it’s looking pretty grim.”

Data analysts for Zoom reported 100% of work meetings conducted on the platform would be much more productive with the video feature disabled.