The Konstantino, Author at HARDTIMES

Everybody at Ween Drive-In Show Asking for a Ride Home

Posted on July 3, 2020 by Chuck Kowalski

MILTON-FREEWATER, Ore. — Chaos erupted after a Ween drive-in show late last night, as every single showgoer tried to find somebody still capable of safely operating a motor vehicle to drive them home, frustrated sources insisting “for the 1,000th time” that they aren’t a Lyft driver report.

“I had a bad feeling when the crowd made a human chain to the gas station selling wine and 12-packs while the band was tuning,” said security guard Rod Malone. “Fast-forward four hours later, and I’ve already had to tell half a dozen people that the hot dog roller doesn’t belong to the band, and countless others that I wouldn’t drive a dump truck full of them down Route 11 even if I could.”

“I’m glad they aren’t driving,” he noted, “but I wish they’d stop celebrating every time one of them fails the court-ordered breathalyzer in their cars by passing around balloons full of nitrous and chanting, ‘Poop ship! Poop ship!’”

Staff at the nearby gas station reported some “unique” attempts by fans to get themselves back home.

“The most successful group was probably the one that called the cops on me for refusing to sell them booze, only to remember they were all under court-ordered sobriety by the time they showed up,” said cashier Samantha Newell. “By the sounds of it, the station was halfway home for them, anyway. Plus, I think I heard one of the officers say he had one guy’s wife on speed dial.”

Meanwhile, Ween “mega fan” Jasper Gunderson claimed that his inability to drive caught him by surprise.

“Sure, it happened the last nine times I’ve seen them,” he said, reflexively offering a fellow fan a lit joint before asking if he were “cool to drive?” “But I figured if Gener can clean up, then I could get a lawn tractor back home after only a flask and some ketamine.”

“I’m in deeper than I thought I’d be, though,” he added. “Who’d have thought that some random pills under a hot dog roller could fuck you up so fast?”

Volunteer Medic Applying Bandage to Injury Closest Thing Protester Had to Health Care in Years

Posted on July 3, 2020 by Sari Beliak

AUSTIN, Texas — The first aid administered Sunday by a volunteer medic is the closest thing protester Sammi Ramirez has experienced to health care in years, onlookers confirmed during a march for Black Lives Matter.

“This woman rushed over to help me rinse the pepper spray from my eyes, and then she cleaned up my knee from when I scraped it hopping the fence,” said Ramirez. “She asked if I was drinking enough water, and I just started crying… not from the pain or anything, but because I was so goddamn happy to be receiving any type of medical attention. My God, it’s been years. Is this what having universal health care is like?”

Kat Alonzo, the volunteer medic who aided Ramirez, has assisted dozens of protesters with various injuries over the last few weeks.

“We’ve been seeing things like skinned knees and bruising from cops pushing protesters, but luckily, people are looking out for each other,” Alonzo explained. “I helped Sammi get cleaned up so she could get back out there, and I encouraged her to maybe take a little breather and to recharge. She also has a suspicious mole on her back that I think she should get checked out, so I had her put on some sunscreen. I will say, everyone’s been really stoked to be seen by a doctor, which is nice — she even wanted to show me this rash on her stomach, but I told her it might have to wait.”

Experts believe the recent surge in protests across the country may lead to an increase in Americans getting the necessary medical attention they otherwise wouldn’t receive.

“It’s encouraging to see so many people out marching in the streets, demanding justice and calling for the abolition of police departments and private prisons,” said local social worker and long-time human rights activist Arlo Brynne. “And it’s always wonderful to see so many Travis County residents finally getting the free medical care they need after running from rubber bullets and tear gas by coming together as a community and relying only on each other.”

In an unsurprising move, Alonzo’s makeshift first aid station was later attacked by police for practicing medicine without a license.

I Understand “Law & Order: SVU” Is Copaganda, but Also I Have Depression

Posted on July 3, 2020 by Mark Bouchard

I am well aware that the characters in “Law & Order: SVU” occasionally use excessive force and routinely engage in unethical policing tactics, such as being badge-carrying officers of the NYPD. Knowing this is essential if you plan on consuming any copaganda without getting suckered by its unfair humanization of the police.

Given our current political climate, if you watch “Law & Order: SVU,” “Brooklyn Nine-Nine,” or any police procedural, maybe consider not posting about it on social media. People will judge you, myself included. For me, it’s different. I can watch “Law & Order: SVU” with impunity because I’ve been diagnosed with depression.

Depression makes it extremely difficult to change the channel when there is already something not great but okay on the tv. Plus, when SVU is on, there’s usually another one on next, and another one after that. And then hopefully you go to sleep for 9-14 hours before you need to make any other choices.

During my worst bouts with depression, “Law & Order: SVU” is perpetually streaming in my living room. It’s so comforting to let Mariska Hargitay’s familiar voice fill my apartment for hours on end, knowing that by the end of each episode, more often than not, the bad guys will have gotten theirs.

There aren’t many guarantees in this life, but the narrative structure of SVU is one of them. It must be nice though, to live in the world of SVU—a world where the police actually help those who seek it.

Don’t think I don’t recognize my privilege. Many are unable to tune in to “Law & Order: SVU” these days at all without fear of being canceled by those who share their Hulu accounts. However, everyone’s depression functions differently. There’s no “right” way to manage depression, but this is how I manage mine. And before you ask, no, I haven’t tried therapy or medication.

129 Clowns Test Positive for Coronavirus After Riding in Same Tiny Car

Posted on July 3, 2020 by Tyler Dark

CINCINNATI — Over 100 professionally trained clowns tested positive for COVID-19 last week after riding together in the same tiny car during the city’s annual Clown and Circus Summit, panicked sources confirmed.

“It was mayhem,” said Dr. Lennon Ortega, resident cardiologist at St. Legion’s Hospital, where the clowns were treated. “When a customized VW Bug parked outside the ER entrance, we all just thought it looked kind of funny… until a passenger door opened and clowns spilled out like biscuit dough. They filled every bed we had in 10 minutes, and that was only half the problem — getting these guys identified was a whole other ordeal. We’d ask for their names, and they’d throw pies in our faces or hand us flowers which, to our bewilderment, squirted us with water.”

The clowns did their best to remain upbeat despite the scary diagnosis and impending quarantine.

“Holy baloney, I got the Coron-ey!” said “Slappy” Jim Bob Clemens, one of the many clowns infected. “What a whoopsie-daisy this is! Most of these masks won’t go over my red nose, and nobody laughs when I do a honk-honk with my little horn. I just hope these doctors don’t mind the extra-long handkerchief I have stuffed in my mouth — all we want to do is bring a little joy to everyone we see. But like they always say, ‘A clown can’t be a clown if he’s choking to death on his own fluids.’”

Sadly, ringmasters throughout the tri-state area are now without work and scrambling to make ends meet.

“The clowns were just the beginning: everyone from the Russian acrobats to the guy selling cotton candy are showing symptoms,” lamented Sanjay Robinson, owner and ringmaster of Sanjay’s Big Top Circus. “Everyone in the business is struggling right now. I’ve heard my Bearded Lady is now doing some of that OnlyFans stuff. And some of the other clowns have been selling foot pics — I guess folks want to see what’s inside those giant shoes.”

Ohio Gov. Mike DeWine has since changed Ohio’s state of emergency declaration to strongly recommend that no more than 50 clowns travel in the same itty-bitty vehicle.

Husband Critiques Accuracy of Wife’s Sexy Slave Leia Outfit to Orgasm

Posted on July 2, 2020 by Dan Kozuh

DECATUR, Ga. — Local husband and self-described Star Wars aficionado Benny Butler critiqued a ‘sexy Slave Leia’ costume his wife, Erica Butler, had purchased to the point of climax, sources within the Butler home confirm.

“I was really hurt when he started telling me that Leia didn’t wear her hair in the ‘buns’ style when she was a slave in the worm guy’s fort,” Erica Butler said. “I worked really hard getting them just right, which was upsetting. But then I saw that he was really turned on by correcting the flaws in my outfit, so I just went with it. I was doing this for his birthday anyway, so whatever gets him off I guess. And boy, did he get off.”

Benny, surprisingly, couldn’t have been happier with the errors.

“First off, the brassiere is supposed to be brass, not gold. And the fabric coming off the bottom of my wife’s costume was maroon when, in the film, it was clearly more of a plum. Not to mention that the arm band clearly swirls in a counterclockwise rotation on the top,” Benny said while growing visibly more excited just remembering the costume’s flaws. “She didn’t even bolt the chain around her neck, she looped it around her waist instead. Not every guy is lucky enough to have a wife willing to get so many cosplay details incorrect just to make him happy.”

Marriage therapist Kendra Cunningham, Ph.D. says this is a sign of a healthy marriage.

“Everyone has their fetishes. To feel comfortable enough with your partner to explore the more unusual aspects of your sexuality is wonderful,” Dr. Cunningham explained. “I personally become aroused by my partner’s poor recapping of Battlestar: Galactica episodes.”

For their anniversary, Benny plans to help Erica explore her Expanse curiosity.

Fuck It: Gamers Canceled

Posted on July 2, 2020 by Giovanni Colantonio

WORLDWIDE — The Super Smash Bros. community is in shock today after dozens of people came forward with sexual assault and pedophilia allegations against many, high-profile players like — you know what, I’m so tired. Gamers are canceled. All of them. Fuck it.

I mean, Jesus Christ, how many times do I have to write this story this week? It feels like it’s been two years since I reported on the Ubisoft executives who were put on leave due to misconduct accusations. It’s been, like, five days! And that’s barely even a footnote anymore!

Holy shit, we could just run a headline that says “Minors Can’t Consent to Sex With Adults” and that would be considered video game news. Sure, it’s something that should be instilled in every single adult on the planet from an early age, but we would have to tag it on our website as part of the Super Smash Bros. topic!

And what about Dr. Disrespect! We still don’t know what this fucking guy did to get banned from Twitch. Do you know how hard it is for someone like that to get PERMANENTLY BANNED from Twitch? Did this guy fucking kill somebody? I don’t know how much more of this I can take.

So, look, I think the easiest solution here is just to cancel all gamers. Between developers, streamers, and competitive players, there’s a new horrific story to read every day. What if we just cut the issue off at its knees and deplatform all gamers? Sounds like a no brainer to me.

Okay, sure, we might lose some people like Markiplier, who seem pretty okay. But on the flipside, this would finally end PewDiePie’s career. Remember when he dropped a racial slur on a stream three years ago? That same guy just signed an exclusive streaming deal with YouTube in May. Get the fuck outta here.

Plus, we don’t even know about the Markipliers of the world. The gaming community is a ticking time bomb counting down to the moment that we find out the personalities we enjoy are absolute fucking monsters.

Sorry to say but that means all of your favorite developers are going to need to close their doors too. No more Riot Games. Sayonara, Naughty Dog! It might sound sad, but hey, if no one’s making games anymore, then we won’t run the risk of anyone else becoming a gamer, so that’s a win.

As a gamer myself, I will be taking this time to be with my family, in hopes that I may beat this someday.

Ghislaine Maxwell’s Legal Team Claims She Is A Scholar Athlete With Bright Future

Posted on July 2, 2020 by Tyler Dark

BRADFORD, N.H. — Lawyers representing Ghislaine Maxwell, a confidant of disgraced financier Jefferey Epstein, are asking for leniency against their client noting her athletic background and how these charges could damage her future prospects, officials confirmed.

“Ms. Maxwell is only 58-years-old and if she faces a long jail sentence it could hurt her chances to play tennis at a semi-professional level. She’s been taking lessons with some of the top players in various fields — even some former presidents. Now is the time for her to finally take her skills to the next level,” said Maxwell’s lawyer Arthur Lavoy. “The defendant is also a well-respected member of the community who is active in many youth outreach programs. After talking with my client it’s clear that her casual wine drinking may have led to her lack of judgment when grooming young women to involve in an international sex ring.”

Advocates for the victims of Epstein and Maxwell were quick to condemn the lawyer’s tactics.

“We already know that the courts are broken when it comes to sexual assault cases, but this is a new low. This woman should be locked up and we need to throw away the key before anyone else gets hurt,” said social worker Kiran Muni. “I feel like I’m going crazy here, does anyone expect her to go on to have a long athletic career after this? The only thing I could see her excelling at in the future is yelling at the clerk at the Target returns counter and demanding a full refund even though the product she’s returning is heavily damaged.”

At press time prison wardens across the country are already preparing cells for Maxwell’s imminent suicide.

30-Year-Old Undergoes Risky Surgery to Remove Scally Cap From Head

Posted on July 2, 2020 by John Dixon

QUINCY, Mass. — Local 30-year-old Danny Sullivan went under the knife this morning for a dangerous operation to remove the seemingly permanent scally cap from his skull.

“I had long, shaggy hair until I was like, 27, and then I had to get a reasonable haircut because it started to thin out. I felt naked, so I started wearing this cap because I thought it made me look kind of tough,” said Sullivan from the recovery room. “At first it was just a fashion statement, but as time went on, I found myself taking it off less and less… to the point I was even wearing it to the gym, in the shower, and to bed. And now, after years of that, it’s basically been bonded to my head by all the accumulated sweat, oil, and dandruff trapped underneath it.”

“This operation is my last chance to live a normal life free of the stigma of perpetually wearing a black, limited edition ‘Boondock Saints’ scally cap,” Sullivan added, fighting back tears.

While Sullivan’s loving girlfriend Jane Schneider is worried about the procedure, she understands the essential nature of the operation.

“If they botch this, he could have a Frankenstein scar all the way around his head, or get scalped, or worse,” Schneider said. “But there’s no way we could stay together otherwise — I can’t make a life with a man forever in a scally cap. Just imagine the wedding pictures: each groomsmen would have had to wear a similar hat, and it’d look like I was marrying the Dropkick Murphy’s road crew. That’s not a life for me.”

Surgeon Dr. Samuel Edison, a luminary in the field of cranial medicine, led Sullivan’s surgery.

“The removal of a scally cap is a rare procedure that brings with it a lot of risks, both during and after the operation,” he said. “However, last year we successfully removed a knit cap from the skull of a 21-year-old, so I felt confident going in that this operation would work as well… though it was complicated by the fact that the hat was not fitted, and instead had an elastic band. Horrific stuff.”

Following his successful procedure, Sullivan was transferred to a rehab facility, where he will begin his transition to a balding, bespectacled man with a buzz cut and perpetual 5 o’clock shadow.

5 DIY Fixes for the Thumping Heartbeat Beneath the Floorboard That Keeps Growing Louder and Louder

Posted on July 2, 2020 by Tucker Leighty-Phillips

With all the time spent around the house these days, many people are finding creative ways to perform simple home maintenance projects around the house. But what about the more difficult projects, like the thumping heartbeat beneath your floorboards?

Yes, the auditory hallucinations of a guilt-ridden mind are no match for the combination of a DIY attitude and a little bit of know-how. Here are five ways you can keep your secrets buried and maybe even spruce up the place a little doing it!

Trick 1: Try moving something heavy over the spot, like a hutch or a china cabinet. If your heavily-increasing heartbeat is in the center of the room, consider placing a large couch or coffee table above it. With the right amount of decorating know-how, you can create a centerpiece that ties a room together and keeps the room’s secrets!

Trick 2: Flooring styles are updating frequently, and what was popular a few years ago may be out of fashion today. Consider coving up those tacky, hardwood boards with some nice, new tile, maybe a chic ceramic look—or why not something heavy, like cement? Sure it looks a bit drab, but it’ll certainly stop that dreadful, beating thud and keep out wandering eyes!

Trick 3: Consider putting your stereo in the room with the noise. If the stereo is playing, it’ll drown out any other noise that may be emanating from the room. Vacuum the room often. Vacuum the room all day. Run your blender continuously while your stereo blasts Burzum at full volume. Throw parties and encourage lots of singing and little snooping. The less they know, the better!

Trick 4: Consider purchasing a new house. The market is about to crash given the current state of the economy, which is a great opportunity for guilt-ridden buyers. Consider leaving a candle lit near a wool carpet in your current house while you step out for a few hours. You took out a hefty insurance policy, right? Maybe a fresh start is exactly what you need. Maybe a name change too. Anything to make that vile, beating heart stop pounding, louder and louder. Anything to draw the image of his evil eye out of your mind.

Trick 5: Is the house burning yet? Try calling the police. Admit your crime, you killed him, you couldn’t stand the look of that evil eye. Tell them to tear up the floorboards. Ask them—do they hear it, too? Or is it just you? Why won’t the beating stop?

Opening Band Plays to Crowd of Their Own Cars at Drive-In Show

Posted on July 2, 2020 by Bobby Korec

BOSTON — Longtime opening band English Degrees played to a crowd of their own vehicles at a local drive-in show last night thanks to a disappointing early turnout at the event, witnesses who arrived supremely late confirmed.

“Technically, this was the largest spectacle we’ve ever played to,” said bassist Jenny Crullivan, pushing a pile of garbage from her front passenger seat onto the car floor. “Sure, not one person was inside any of our cars during the set, and I couldn’t help but stare at the horrendously filthy conditions of my jalopy’s interior the whole time… but it was just nice to play to something other than the bereft void of existential nothingness for a change. If anything, the free exposure to the lone parking attendant could really pay off in the long run.”

Sadly, some of Crullivan’s band members disagreed.

“Do you have any idea what it’s like to waste your perfectly rehearsed stage banter on a bunch of empty Ford Escorts?” said singer Arnold Anthisse, from his mother’s “borrowed” car. “I tried to stall the start of the show as long as I could to give more time for stragglers to show up, but somehow, traffic always ruins everyone’s ability to be punctual and catch our set. That could be the only reasonable explanation why no one ever comes on time to see us.”

Experts wonder whether bands can find innovative ways to entice people to attend future drive-in shows.

“Opening bands have a legitimate opportunity to get creative and make it look like people are actually interested in them,” show booker Jay Sonodman said. “Rent a couple of cars from Avis, steal your parents’ cars, throw some cardboard cutouts of Danny Devito in the back seats and rig them up to some strings ‘Home Alone’-style, and you got yourself a legitimate-looking audience size from afar. That’s way easier than trying to persuade your friends to come see your shitty band anyway. For musicians today, it’s all about appearing like you have a following — actually enjoying your music is woefully irrelevant.”

At the show’s close, bartenders were seen staying long past their shifts to help showgoers jumpstart their cars after many accidentally left their interior lights on for hours.

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