CINCINNATI — Over 100 professionally trained clowns tested positive for COVID-19 last week after riding together in the same tiny car during the city’s annual Clown and Circus Summit, panicked sources confirmed.
“It was mayhem,” said Dr. Lennon Ortega, resident cardiologist at St. Legion’s Hospital, where the clowns were treated. “When a customized VW Bug parked outside the ER entrance, we all just thought it looked kind of funny… until a passenger door opened and clowns spilled out like biscuit dough. They filled every bed we had in 10 minutes, and that was only half the problem — getting these guys identified was a whole other ordeal. We’d ask for their names, and they’d throw pies in our faces or hand us flowers which, to our bewilderment, squirted us with water.”
The clowns did their best to remain upbeat despite the scary diagnosis and impending quarantine.
“Holy baloney, I got the Coron-ey!” said “Slappy” Jim Bob Clemens, one of the many clowns infected. “What a whoopsie-daisy this is! Most of these masks won’t go over my red nose, and nobody laughs when I do a honk-honk with my little horn. I just hope these doctors don’t mind the extra-long handkerchief I have stuffed in my mouth — all we want to do is bring a little joy to everyone we see. But like they always say, ‘A clown can’t be a clown if he’s choking to death on his own fluids.’”
Sadly, ringmasters throughout the tri-state area are now without work and scrambling to make ends meet.
“The clowns were just the beginning: everyone from the Russian acrobats to the guy selling cotton candy are showing symptoms,” lamented Sanjay Robinson, owner and ringmaster of Sanjay’s Big Top Circus. “Everyone in the business is struggling right now. I’ve heard my Bearded Lady is now doing some of that OnlyFans stuff. And some of the other clowns have been selling foot pics — I guess folks want to see what’s inside those giant shoes.”
Ohio Gov. Mike DeWine has since changed Ohio’s state of emergency declaration to strongly recommend that no more than 50 clowns travel in the same itty-bitty vehicle.