Tense, Grim, and Violent: Our Review of ‘The Last Of Us Part 2’ Discourse

Posted on by Kevin Flynn

Navigating the discourse surrounding highly anticipated video games, much like the apocalypse, is a constant struggle for survival. Discussion about the original The Last of Us was unanimously positive, and even in 2020, gamers still frequently agree with one another about how much they like the game with the same enthusiasm they had in 2013. However, talking about The Last of Us Part 2 is much more tense, grim, and violent than talking about its predecessor, making readers and participants subject to an onslaught of heated disagreements, divisive opinions, and gruesome spoilers without a glimmer of hope in sight.

Game director Neil Druckmann has described the discourse around The Last of Us Part 2 as “a commentary about the cycle of violence.” Much like the Cordyceps-infected husks in the game’s dystopian world, commenters across the internet have been shambling aimlessly from website to website ever since Part 2’s review embargo was lifted, searching for hapless opinion-havers to devour. Meanwhile, just like Ellie while she crouches behind a box to craft an improvised explosive, game critics have been cobbling together opinions and insights under tight deadlines and heavy embargo restrictions to lob back at the shrieking masses. In the game, Ellie always manages to wipe out danger and prevail by the skin of her teeth. In real life, however, there’s never an end to the throngs of people willing to get mad about this game.

The Last Of Us Part 2 promises to encourage the player to ask philosophical questions about morality, consequences, and the nature of revenge. Certainly, those themes must be present in the game, because they’re present in some of the discourse surrounding the game. However, these topics are heavily overshadowed by discussions about developer crunch, animal cruelty, and the unpleasant fact that the game’s post-pandemic narrative echoes the current state of the world. The discourse surrounding Part 2 hits you over the head with these points over and over until it becomes hard to want to push on and learn what’s actually good about it.

No matter how hard things get, both the characters in The Last of Us Part 2 and the people debating it push forward — tired, bloodied, and traumatized, but dusting themselves off and preparing for the next challenge they’ll face. But sometimes, you have to wonder if it would be easier to get bitten and turned into a clicker so you don’t have to see or read about any of it.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:



Tearful Ben Stiller Smothers “Night at the Museum’s” Columbus Statue With a Pillow

Posted on by James Kinneen

NEW YORK — The American Museum of Natural History’s cast bronze and allegedly sentient Christopher Columbus statue was the victim of a mercy killing last night at the hands of a recently divorced night security guard, protesting sources confirmed.

“The security guard lured the Columbus statue — which we were shocked to learn could walk, talk, and crack wise — into an abandoned section of the museum. The guard then straddled him and used a pillow to suffocate the metal likeness of the genocidal Italian explorer,” said detective Eric Chavez. “The presence of protestors outside the museum, combined with reports of the guard crying and whispering, ‘Once again, you travel into the unknown,’ and, ‘You’ll always have the most populous city in Ohio,’ lead us to believe this was a mercy killing.”

While Chavez wouldn’t comment on whether charges would be brought against the guard, legal scholars are mixed. Columbia Law professor Harvey Swalinski noted the lack of precedent regarding magic historical figures.

“On the one hand, it appears no police officer or district attorney in the country is willing to arrest and prosecute protestors who topple problematic statues,” said Swalinski. “On the other hand, this Columbus moved, spoke, and once helped apprehend a trio of elderly antique thieves. It’s a tough case.”

While the protesters outside chanted, clapped, and applauded as the statue’s lifeless body was hauled away, reactions inside the museum were mixed.

“There’s a certain brotherhood among us historical effigies, so despite his abhorrent past, I do believe Chris will be missed. While I don’t condone such a cowardly coup de grace in the face of an unwinnable battle, I understand the motivation,” explained former U.S. President, lifelong eugenicist, and New Orleans lynching supporter Theodore Roosevelt. “We can’t be celebrating men like Christopher Columbus with statues.”

It is unclear if the museum will add another historical figure in its place, but longtime curator Dr. Richard McPhee was emphatic that Columbus was gone for good.

“Christopher Columbus was a monster,” McPhee said. “He didn’t discover anything. He didn’t prove the earth was round. And perhaps most egregious of all, he wasn’t even voiced by a recognizable celebrity.”

41-Year-Old Skater Punk Impulsively Flips off Security Guard Working at Bank

Posted on by John Sevigne

FRESNO, Calif. — Local middle-aged skateboarder Eddy Tirado impulsively flipped off the security guard standing by the front door of the Chase bank he was entering earlier today to cash his paycheck, leaked security footage confirmed.

“I honestly don’t know what happened. I just sort of blacked out for a second,” admitted Tirado. “I opened the door, and there was this old man there in a security outfit… and then without realizing it, I have my finger in his face and I’m muttering the words, ‘Skateboarding is not a crime, fuckbag.’ I didn’t even have my skateboard with me — there was nothing to skate in the bank. It was like an animal instinct took over.”

“I tried to say I’m sorry, but the words came out as, ‘Go kill yourself, you rent-a-cop bastard,’” added Tirado.

Safe-Tek security guard Edgar Tresten admitted he is used to such interactions and is no longer bothered by them.

“When I first started this job, I’ll admit, it did get to me a bit — every time there was someone in a ‘Thrasher’ shirt, they’d stare me down like they wanted to fight and my blood would start to boil,” said Tresten. “Now I just laugh it off: I can’t let an adult who uses a skateboard as their primary source of transportation ruin my day; that would be ridiculous. Almost as ridiculous as being a full grown man who hangs out at skateparks and still thinks Vans slip-ons are good enough to wear to a wedding.”

Psychologists warn that the biases held by most adult skateboarders can lead to a variety of unhealthy interactions.

“I had one patient who was nearly 50 who would still refer to someone rollerblading as a ‘fruit booter.’ I informed them that the slur has homophobic and reflected poorly on their character, but often times, that doesn’t change this ingrained behavior that likely started around 1994,” said Dr. Laurie Donovan. “In addition to security guards, another common trigger for most adult skateboarders is BMX riders using pegs on pool coping. But at least I can understand that — the pegs really fuck it up.”

After completing his transaction, Tirado reportedly spent the following 30 minutes in the parking lot eyeballing a manual pad and waxed curb.

Maybe This Is Controversial but the Scene Was Way Better Back When We Could Leave Our Houses

Posted on by John Dixon

Being locked down in my apartment for the past few months has given me time to reflect on life and how I spend mine. This time spent in isolation has put some things in perspective for me in terms of who I am as a person and what I want out of life and, most importantly, my local scene. I had a realization that blew my mind and, though it may be controversial, if you’ll take this journey with me, you’ll see things as they are: the scene was way better when we could leave our houses.

Yes, I know this may piss some people off but I’ve never been one to back down when I believe in something except when asked to protest on behalf of it.

I know we’re all doing our best with live-streamed performances and Zoom calls but it’s time to admit it just isn’t the same as being crammed into a dark building with no air conditioning with a hundred sweaty strangers. Even when you finally find a good one, the sense of community vanishes when any random asshole from Poser Springs, Montana can drop into a stream and tell OUR local bands, “nice set.” That’s our honor and privilege for being in this town and a part of this scene.

Think of all the honest people who are out of work: sound guys, bartenders, light guys. And the dishonest ones too: aggressive security, thieving doormen, and let’s be real, most of those sound guys, bartenders, and light guys too.

Plus, think of all the experiences you can’t have at home. Stuff like avoiding eye contact with the merch guy after not tipping him, spilling the drink you took into the pit all over yourself, and wringing other people’s sweat out of your clothes at the end of the night. You can try and recreate this experience at home, but trust me, you’re better off waiting out the pandemic.

Fortunately, my state looks like it’s entering phase two of reopening next week. Even if we can only have outdoor shows right now, it’ll be refreshing to get back to normal: finding excuses not to see my friends’ bands again.

Cop Has Ribs Removed So He Can Lick His Own Boot

Posted on by John Merrifield

NEW YORK — Ofc. Peter McKenzie of the NYPD underwent a controversial and dangerous surgery last week to alleviate stress on his abdomen during his daily routine of licking his own boots, according to leaked medical records.

“Bootlicking was much easier before I became a cop. It requires a lot more flexibility when you have to reach your own feet,” said McKenzie of Brooklyn’s 68th precinct. “Once I became part of the system, it was difficult to deny its rampant failure to provide equal protection to communities of all backgrounds and belief systems. But after the surgery, I’ve been able to do all kinds of gymnastics, dodging personal accountability and evading evidence of systemic injustice. Most importantly, I don’t have to rely on anyone else to do this for me — I can lick my own boots in the comfort of my bedroom, or sometimes in the squad car between calls.”

The procedure was carried out by Dr. David Hon at Emu Health Surgery Center in Queens, who hopes that the success of McKenzie’s surgery will spark a trend in law enforcement.

“I can absolutely see this becoming a common procedure for our men and women in blue who believe there is nothing that needs fixing inside their ranks,” said Dr. Hon. “And while it’s true that the ribs serve as protection for the internal organs, bulletproof vests make that a non-issue. So the good cops can comfortably watch bad cops do bad things, and then go home after their shifts and openly lick their own boots before then having their boots licked by their friends and family. It’s very appealing.”

McKenzie’s wife, Shannon McKenzie, claimed he’s never been better.

“I remember how excited Petey was when he graduated from the Academy — he really wanted to get out there and do some good, but he had no idea how hard that was going to be. And when he saw police getting vilified on social media, he took it personally and became really depressed. I tried to cheer him up by doing a lot of bootlicking myself, but eventually my jaw couldn’t handle it anymore,” said Mrs. McKenzie. “He refused to see a therapist, and we were skeptical of the idea of body modification as a form of treatment… but I’m glad we took the chance. I feel like I’ve finally got my Peter back.”

McKenzie plans to share his story with his buddies who are considering leaving the force amid worldwide protests against police violence. He also plans to suck his own dick.

Hello Fellow Japanimation Fans! I Have Some Content for You!

Posted on by Owen Crowlie

Konnichiwa, minna-san! Netflix Producer-Chan here. I have some very sugoi news that I wanted to tell you about myself personally, because my excitement is well over 9000, desu!

You’re probably wondering to yourself, “Nani is this old ojisan saying? As a male otaku between 13 and 35, my desire for anime content has been under fulfilled by mainstream streaming services…surely Netflix has nothing of interest to offer me for the low price of eight dollars a month!” Well that’s where you’re wrong, baka, because effective immediately, I’m turning Netflix into Japanimation Station! Ikimashou!

I feel like I’ve used the power of the seven “Dragon Balls” to make my wish come true, because I’ve managed to secure for Netflix the rights to several mid-2000’s Asian cartoons, as well as greenlight a heaping helping of CGI remakes! No longer will your appetite for anime be restrained by the turtle’s crawl of an animation studio’s production cycle, for soon you will have more atarashii Japanese content than you could possibly dream of, all produced en masse with the efficiency of an assembly line. Suzushii! More anime!

Sure, we haven’t yet acquired the streaming rights to some of the most recent mainstream animes, but that’s just because I am a fan of old school shows, mochiron. Let the trenders watch whatever expensive show came out this year while you relive the magic of Fruits Basket, preserved in its original 4:3 aspect ratio!

All of these exciting developments around the office mean that my co-workers have started to call me a real “wee-boo”, but if loving anime makes you a wee-boo, then I’m guilty as charged!

Of course, I wouldn’t be a real anime fan if I didn’t comment on Subs vs. Dubs, and I’m ready to weigh in. Personally, I love subs — subscriptions to Netflix that is! Because it doesn’t matter which you prefer, Netflix is able to offer you anime dubbed in English, or it’s original Japanese with subtitles! Finally, both sides can agree that Netflix is the best way to watch!

And yes, we have been getting your requests for us to add Bible Black to our service, and I assure you I will do anything for my fellow anime fans! Yoroshiku onegaishimasu!

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:



Every Star Wars Easter Egg You Missed in My Apartment

Posted on by Grant Mulitz

Filled with action, drama and just the right peppering of comedy, last night’s party at my place was by far one of the most exciting all season. I know there was a lot to unravel amongst all my Star Wars decorations and collectables, but for those of you who weren’t paying careful attention, there were plenty of other hidden Star Wars references scattered all around my apartment that you might not have picked up on. Here are five crucial Star Wars easter eggs in my apartment you may not have noticed at first.

1 – The doorbell sound is the first two chords of the Imperial March

One of the first things you heard when you arrived at my apartment was the doorbell. But if you had a keen ear, you’d notice the ring was two G-minor chords. This is a small musical homage to the iconic opening notes of John Williams’ original Imperial March, Darth Vader’s theme song. My doorbell composer thought this would be a fitting inclusion in the entrance music for party guests, who are invading into my apartment. If you knocked, I did not answer the door.

2 – The trash can in my bathroom looks suspiciously like R2D2

If you looked carefully next to the bathroom sink after relieving yourself, you would have seen a large blue-and-white trash can with a domed lid. Could this be a nod to R2D2, the series’ most famous and sarcastic droid? It certainly seems like it! It could have been just a coincidence, but bathroom designers at my apartment have confirmed they intended the small waste bin to be, in fact, parts salvaged from R2D2 himself, when the droid was decommissioned after Episode IX. Nevermind all my other R2D2 stuff, this is now the official canon!

3 – If you listened closely, you could hear me mention “Gungans” in conversation

If you were within earshot of me last night, you may have picked up on this subtle hint to one of the saga’s most (in)famous characters. When I casually talked to people about “The Gungans”, I was actually making a reference to Jar Jar Binks’ species from his home planet of Naboo, first seen in The Phantom Menace. I made sure to bring up Gungans in every conversation I had with my guests, so you all could have the chance to recognize such an awesome callback.

4 – A special cameo by none other than Megan Marie

Around 10:00pm, a very special someone delivered a bunch of pizzas for my hungry guests. What they didn’t realize was they also delivered more Star Wars! The pizza delivery person was actually Megan Marie, a crew member who received a “special thanks” in the Star Wars: Rebels television credits. Pretty cool they decided to bring her back for a cameo in my own home!

5 – The appearance of the Dallenor Jedi Holocron

Tucked away in the display case behind the figurines and Force FX lightsabers, there was a blue glass dodecahedron on the third shelf from the top. Die hard fans will recognize this as the Dallenor holocron, an ancient Jedi archive storage unit. The holocron being in my living room raises plenty more questions about how I came to possess such a sacred relic. Maybe this will be revealed at my next party? I’ve said too much!

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:



Man Disguises Actionless White Guilt as a “Much Needed Break from the News”

Posted on by Jay Shingle

SEATTLE — White guy Joey Kipling started a two week break from consuming any news late last week, citing discomfort, confusion, and depression as reasons for his personal “media blackout.”

“Everything is crazy in the country right now,” Kipling said. “I needed to take a step back for my own mental health. Everything I do should feel good, right? I can’t be my best if I’m wallowing in the darkness of the current times everyday — you can’t be there for others if you don’t take care of yourself. So that’s what I’ll be doing, by playing ‘Animal Crossing’ and avoiding Instagram for at least the next few weeks.”

Kipling talked over the intentional and curiously-timed break with his therapist before reaching his decision.

“It is true that I coined the phrase ‘social media diet’ to help Joey with previous problems,” said Kipling’s therapist, Ana Huerta. “But I reminded him that excessive social media use, and responsibly staying abreast of current events, are two entirely different things. Still, he insisted that the news right now was ‘just too much, I don’t know.’ I couldn’t really get through to him on this issue, so we moved onto his difficulties with opening his mail.”

Kipling’s roommate Meti Otieno, a queer person of color and activist, was less forgiving of his willful blindness.

“I told him it was bullshit: I told him he was running from the problem because of his unchecked white guilt. Instead of sitting with it, processing it, and learning where he could contribute and take action, he chose to turn a blind eye to it. It’s similar to how he treats his dirty dishes and responsibilities as a dog owner,” Otieno stated. “I tried to give him information on upcoming rallies, where he could donate, and even some reading materials, but none of it worked — he told me I was ‘lording over his mental health’ and that I ‘just wouldn’t understand.’”

Kipling was last seen on his phone, looking for fun Airbnb properties far out in nature at which to spend the rest of his break. “I just need to get my dad to Venmo me for this spot, and then I’m off to meditate and realign, better than ever” he said.

We Sat Down With Mac DeMarco Because How Else Are We Supposed to Kill Time in This Drunk Tank?

Posted on by Collin Canning

Music journalism is an immersive endeavor. In order to keep up with what’s happening we at The Hard Times go to shows constantly. This rock-solid dedication leads us to extraordinary opportunities and a lot of alcohol-related arrests. Recently, it lead to both!

We got the chance to sit down with indie rocker Mac DeMarco because he was also arrested for disorderly contact outside that club.

The Hard Times: Mind if I sit here?
Mac DeMarco: Sure, it’s a free country.
I know, although we are technically being detained.
That’s super wild.
Yeah, I personally only had a couple of beers, but when you told those kids to flip that car they kinda just grabbed everyone.
Fuck, that’s just not fair. Do you have a cigarette?
Uh, no I don’t smoke, but I think I see several dozen in the pocket of your overalls there.
Yeah, but we can’t fucking smoke in here.
I know.
I know.
Uhh, sooo… I wonder how long we’ll be here.
Usually til 8 or 9 unless I puke again.
Well let’s lookout for that. Do you have any music coming out this year?
I think so. What’s today?
Ummm. Tuesday as of two hours ago.
Hmmm.. maybe not then.
Oh gotcha. Say, mind telling me about your KEXP Set?
I still haven’t gotten paid for that.
Really? Is that a paying gig?
Shit, I should’ve looked into that.
Right. Mind if I ask you about your current tour?
Shoot!
Well, what made you…
No I mean, “shoot, I’m supposed to be on tour right now”
Well that would explain why you’re 1,500 miles away from your scheduled performance tonight in Washington.
Fucking Washington, man. Any other Questions?
Just one. On Salad Days, I noticed you were getting pretty creative with using overlayed guitar tracks and I was just wondering if that was a conscious decision in the beginning stages of… Mac? …Mac? Can someone turn him over, please?

Scientists Resurrect Dead Scene Using DNA from Guitarist Preserved in Amber

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

WILMINGTON, Del. — Genetic scientists have resurrected a dead punk scene using the DNA of an original guitarist preserved in amber, sources sick of hearing about how “shit was so much better back in the day” confirmed.

“Recently, some maintenance workers discovered the body of guitarist Simon ‘Skin’ Rodriguez in the basement of a once legendary punk venue, perfectly preserved in a fossilized mixture of weed resin, sweat, and Pepsi syrup from the bar’s soda gun,” explained an animated strand of DNA with a charming southern drawl. “Using sophisticated scientific techniques, we extracted his blood, filled in the holes in his genetic code with DNA strands from gorillas, frogs, and other animals, and with some additional cloning, brought a once thriving scene back to life. We spared no expense.”

Former punk and woman old enough to know the “good ol’ days” were actually kind of shitty, Mahdi Robinson, insisted the experiment would lead to chaos.

“Punk had it’s shot. And nature, as well as an ever-evolving youth culture, selected it for extinction,” said Robinson. “These scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could bring back the local scene, they never stopped to think of whether they should. Now we have a group of punks in the tightest, most ripped-up pants you’ve ever seen, blabbering about Ronald Regan all day, that will defend themselves violently if necessary.”

Unfortunately, Robinson’s dire predictions came true during the genetically engineered punk band’s first performance.

“As soon as the band figured out the chain link fence in front of the stage wasn’t electrified, they went wild — really fucking shit up. The kids in the crowd clearly had no clue what kind of untamed beasts ’80s punks truly are,” said audience member Blake Buckley. “Luckily, bouncers were able to distract the band using some emergency flares before subduing them with a fresh keg to drink and a live goat to eat.”

The geneticists have since discovered that due to the amphibious frog DNA used to fill in the punk’s genetic code, the musicians are able to effortlessly switch between hardcore and crossover thrash.