SNL Admits Allowing Coronavirus to Host Show in 2018 Was a Mistake

Posted on by Ted Pillow

NEW YORK — Legendary television producer Lorne Michaels conceded last week that it was a mistake to have the highly infectious novel coronavirus host “Saturday Night Live” in 2018, as it likely contributed to the virus’s current popularity.

“I first met the coronavirus at Paul Simon’s house. There were lots of viruses and other contagious diseases hanging around, and Mick Jagger,” Michaels explained while taking a break from a game of badminton with Steve Martin. “Coronavirus had such a likeability and natural charisma to it — I never would’ve guessed it’d cause so much suffering. At the time, it seemed like the kind of severe acute respiratory syndrome that could carry a cold open.”

Michaels’ admittance prompted cast members to speak out about the controversial episode.

“The coronavirus was the worst host ever. Keep in mind, I’ve worked with Justin Bieber, Lance Armstrong, and even once did a remote piece with dengue fever,” confided longtime cast member Kenan Thompson. “COVID kept missing cues and pitched all sorts of shitty sketch ideas — like ‘Camp Crystal Lungs,’ where people wheezed incessantly throughout the sketch. Usually a bad host fails because they don’t have comedic chops or don’t learn their lines. But this was the first time we had a host that didn’t have a recognizable face, an able body, or even a human soul. Well, other than the time Rudy Giuliani hosted.”

Indeed, critics suggest that by letting the coronavirus host, “Saturday Night Live” may have played a role in the current pandemic.

“Seeing a person, idea, or invisible-to-the-naked eye virus on TV normalizes it. Suddenly, average Americans are comfortable with coronavirus entering their homes, grocery stores, and lungs,” noted Laura Andrews, a media studies professor at New York University. “‘Saturday Night Live’ is particularly influential because it reaches so many viewers and is so entrenched in the culture — the popularity of ‘SNL’ is probably why this turned out so much worse than when ‘MADtv’ let H1N1 host.”

“Saturday Night Live” has since announced that their first episode back in studio 8H would be hosted by a nest of murder hornets, with the inevitable major earthquake that will devestate San Francisco slated as the musical guest.

Second Coming of Jesus Thwarted by Police

Posted on by Ramona Apthorp

LOS ANGELES — The second coming of Jesus was cut short this past Wednesday when LAPD Ofc. Thomas Andrews opened fire on the son of God in broad daylight.

“With such injustices happening daily, I believed it was undeniably the time to come down to human kind to try to bring peace to a weeping world,” said Jesus Christ. “Apparently, these God-worshiping cops were expecting the Mel Gibson white guy version of me, because things went sour the moment I tried to do a couple miracles to prove I was indeed the one true King of Kings.”

In an official statement issued by the LAPD, Police Chief Michel Moore defended the actions of the officers.

“We can all agree that this is obviously a horrible misstep and tragedy, but how was Ofc. Andrews supposed to know it was Jesus he was shooting at? This man wasn’t white, and Jesus is supposed to be white. To be completely candid, this is kind of on him — he could’ve very well chosen to come down as a nice, presentable white man. He kept talking about worker’s rights, and how the voice of the community is stronger than a fascist police department… and he called me a facsist! I’m not a facsist! That’s not my Jesus!”

“Jesus is supposed to help me through my hardships. Jesus is supposed to love blue lives. Please beam me up, Daddy. I need to go to heaven,” he added.

Jesus’ father, God, was understandably upset.

“Really? Again? Every single time. Is this just how it goes with y’all?” a disappointed Almighty stated. “You seemed really into my son when you could twist his words to oppress and subdue, but, the moment you actually are confronted with him and his teachings, you get all shaky and trigger happy? It doesn’t take omnipotence to see that’s like, messed up man.”

“This was your chance, guys,” God added. “Like, time for heaven and all that business. On the plus side, this has made judgement a lot easier. Y’all are making it very clear who you are.”

For his actions, Ofc. Andrews was given two months paid leave and looks forward to a permanent residence in hell.

Opinion: If That’s How You Treat Customers I’ll Just Go Use the Restroom Somewhere Else

Posted on by Tom Peters

As a consumer, I know that I have more options than ever competing for my dollar. If you don’t meet my needs, it’s not hard to find someone down the street who will. Now, I can’t tell you how to run a business, but if this is how you treat customers, well, I’ll just have to use the restroom somewhere else.

Where do you even get off telling me that your bathroom is for, “customers only?” I’ll have you know that I planned on touching everything in here, asking LOTS of questions, and checking Amazon prices on my phone as I sidled out the door. But now I guess I’ll be taking my hypothetical business elsewhere. You blew it, buddy!

Did I walk through the door saying, “I’ve got to make a large deposit at the First Bank of Porcelain?” Sure. Have I used the bathroom here without spending money in the past? Yes, many times. But if you don’t want people using your restroom, you shouldn’t have opened up next to a Cicis Pizza. It’s just bad business, simple as that.

And by the way, your bathroom could really use a makeover. You need a decent selfie mirror so influencers like me can tag themselves in the hottest new public restroom in town. And coarse toilet paper is no way to build a relationship with customers — I need to be surprised and delighted in there!

Whatever, I don’t have the time to take you to business school; it’s almost peak grocery store sampling hours. You’ll be hearing from me via my one-star reviews across multiple online platforms, but rest assured, there are plenty of other establishments willing to receive a full load of my patronage with a smile and a, “thank you.” Good day.

Laid-Off Sound Guy Perpetually Fucking With Television Volume

Posted on by John Dixon

SANTA CRUZ, Calif. — Laid-off sound engineer Logan Green is constantly adjusting the volume levels of his television in order to keep busy while waiting for his workplace to reopen, frustrated sources report.

“You know, I’m just trying to get this dialed in so everything sounds perfect. The problem is the soundbar we use tends to be pretty bass-heavy, and the mids wash out on a lot of the shows we watch,” Green said as he mashed the volume buttons on the remote control. “Reality shows are the hardest — to do it right, I need the characters to stop yelling over each other so much so I can get their audio clean — but I’m doing the best with what I have.”

Green’s roommate India O’Riley is not impressed with his work so far.

“Yeah… if it were just a thing he was doing on his own, it wouldn’t be such a big deal. But before we watch anything, he makes me stand beside the TV and point up or down for him to adjust the volume while shouting, ‘Hey!’ to see if it’s loud enough,” said O’Riley while watching Hulu on her phone alone in her bedroom. “I swear, I’ve already blown my voice out like, three times doing this bullshit, and he always ends up getting mad at me and saying, ‘Fine, I guess this will just have to sound like shit.’”

Labor expert and adjunct professor Lars Sorenson claimed Green is one of many laid-off venue staff struggling to maintain their skills.

“It doesn’t stop with sound guys — a lot of bartenders who normally work at venues are deliberately ignoring their partners to gain their attention,” said Sorenson. “And I’ve seen laid-off door guys putting wristbands on their pets, scrutinizing their collar tags, and patting them down every time they come through the door.”

In an attempt to learn stage lighting as well, Green is allegedly now flickering lights on and off in time with theme songs of whatever show happens to be on when he’s done adjusting the volume.

Grimes and Elon Musk Reveal They Named Child to Give Him Infinite Money Cheat

Posted on by Jon Ruggiero

HILLSBOROUGH, Calif. — Pop singer Grimes and Elon Musk recently announced that their son X Æ A-XII’s unusual name was chosen because it’s actually a cheat code that allows the child to have infinite money, sources confirmed earlier today.

“We all know that we’re living in a simulation, and that simulation obviously has cheat codes,” said Grimes in an Instagram post defending the unusual choice of name. “X Æ A-XII just so happens to be the code for unlocking infinite money. We wanted to make sure our son would have a good future, and this seemed like the best way to accomplish that.”

Musk further explained the decision in a series of tweets.

“I just want better for my son than I had,” Musk said. “I was born to wealthy parents so our family already has plenty of assets, but that could all go away in an instant if I decide to tweet any of the insane things in my drafts folder right now and tank the Tesla stock again. So giving X Æ A-XII infinity money seemed like an obvious move.”

At press time, Grimes and Musk confirmed that despite the benefits of their child’s name, X Æ A-XII is also the code to unlock infinite weird looks in public.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:



Luigi Loses Left Eye In Collision With Rubber Bullet Bill

Posted on by David Sitrick

NEW DONK CITY — Beloved local hero Luigi was blinded in his left eye at a protest against police brutality yesterday, when he collided with a rubber Bullet Bill employed by the New Donk Police Department, witnesses confirm.

Protesters packed the streets in front of New Donk City Hall to demand the firing of Officer Wario, the now-infamous police officer tied to 15 civilian deaths and more than 50 excessive force complaints over a ten-year career with the NDPD.

“A capitalist police state is supremely un-funky, my dudes,” said peace activist Funky Kong in his address to the assembled crowd, which faced a line of NDPD officers in riot gear.

While the protests were initially peaceful, the tone shifted when a single banana peel was reportedly tossed from the crowd towards a group of NDPD officers guarding a historic statue of Donkey Kong clutching Mayor Pauline. A clip from a protester’s livestream contains audio of an unnamed person shouting “Waaaaaaaaaaaah” before officers swarmed the area, deploying red shells, fire flowers, hammers, lightning strikes, bombs, and dozens of other miscellaneous weapons in an attempt to disperse the crowd.

It was in the ensuing fracas that local icon Luigi was struck in the face by a rubber Bullet Bill. 

“He had locked arms with us on the front lines, which was cool because, like, nobody’s fuckin’ seen Mario out here, if ya get what I mean,” said one protester. “Meanwhile this, like, infamous coward is out here on the front lines standing up against injustice. Then all of the sudden he was just down, and we’re all trying to check on him. Then a squad of Hammer Bros charges in, and before I know it we’re all face down getting screamed at.”

When asked for comment on what occurred, Luigi had few words to offer. 

“Mamma mia. Luigi lose,” he said through tears, before opening his remaining eye with firm resolution. “But the people? The people win. The people number one! Wow. Mayor Pauline needs to a-stop singing empty platitudes and a-fucking resign.”
Mario has not yet responded to inquiries about the safety of his brother, but did share a vaguely worded message on social media this afternoon. 

“The life and safety of every citizen is sacred,” said the message in part. “Thank you to both the protesters and our hardworking officers of the law for each doing their part to protect this great democratic experiment. I know we will come out of this stronger, even if the growth is painful. And it’s in that spirit that the Nintendo Online Store will be offering a 10% discount on Nintendo Switch Online for the rest of this weekend. Because nothing brings people together like Nintendo.”

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:



Dad Interrupting Legendary Show Just Has to Grab Shop-Vac Out of Basement Real Quick

Posted on by James Knapp

WEST LAWN, Penn. — A generation-defining show at local basement venue The Bottleneck was briefly interrupted last night when venue/home owner Doug Stinson had to retrieve his shop-vac from its storage space, mildly inconvenienced sources confirmed.

“That was probably the best show I’ve ever been to. Seriously, as soon as Submarine Loggins played the first chord of ‘Dick Inspection,’ I was floored,” said noticeably inebriated show attendee Kurt Foster. “But then, right in the middle of their set, some old guy in a Jimmy Buffett-looking polo stopped everything and took some weird trash can out from behind the drum kit. It really threw off the whole vibe. It was still a great show, but that part seemed unnecessary… and like it probably could have waited.”

Mr. Stinson explained his decision to temporarily stall the sure-to-be-historic show to retrieve the appliance.

“Whenever the kids put on their music concerts, I try to stay out of it. I’m hip. I know nobody wants their dad being a ‘poser’ or whatever,” said Stinson. “But I was cleaning up in the garage after breaking in this new belt sander that I got when I realized I left my trusty shop-vac downstairs. I guess I could’ve used the push broom to sweep all of the sawdust outside, but, you know what they say: do you want it done fast, or do you want it done right?”

Davy “First Mate” Klein, guitarist of Submarine Loggins, did not seem phased by the elder Stinson’s decision to retrieve his appliance mid-show.

“This is not at all the strangest dad-interruption we’ve had on tour,” Klein recalled. “Earlier this year, a dad broke in on a garage show we played to check if he put the rake back. And just last week, another one stopped us mid-song and asked us if we’d help him move a dresser upstairs… which of course, we did. You always have to remember who’s floor you’re crashing on later.”

At press time, Stinson had once again descended into the basement to ask if any of the show attendees knew how to reset the WiFi password.

I’ll Have You Know My Dad’s a Cop, So Yeah Fuck Cops

Posted on by Ed Saincome

America is more divided than ever on the issue of policing and frustrations are at a boiling point as we watch clashes between protesters and the law unfold. Public trust in the police is at an all-time low and millions are demanding officers’ arrests after countless examples of excessive force and brutality. In times like these, it can be hard to look past our own emotions and see the real people on the other side; like my dad, a fifteen-year veteran cop, and an absolute bag of wet dog shit.

Fuck the police in general but fuck my dad specifically.

I know what you’re thinking: “Aren’t ALL cops bastards who should be arrested and jailed for their crimes against humanity?” Well, you’re absolutely right to feel that way. But when we say “all cops,” we risk overlooking my dad in particular. A man who, as you may recall, is a worthless pig motherfucker whose dick doesn’t work.

The language we use when talking about the police is so important right now, especially when finding the right words to insult my dad.

It can be easy to label an entire group as evil, cowardly, scum of the earth based on the illegal and racist actions of hundreds of shitty officers. And honestly, it’s even easier if you met my asshole dad, who has never stopped a single crime and cries when he doesn’t get his 10% discount at Under Armour. Please don’t let a few bad apples overshadow true shitstains like my dad, and every other cop who needs a stepladder to climb into their Ford F-250.

We’re at a crossroads in America right now, and it’s more important than ever that we stand up for what’s right, hold police accountable, and harass my dad on Facebook whenever he posts another racist meme or Punisher logo or whatever the fuck he does between harassing black communities and getting another divorce. Together we can create real change in this country, or at least make my dad cry and quit his job.

Crisis Actor Tired of Being Typecast As Father of Dead Kid

Posted on by Ryan Danley

WASHINGTON — Worried about industry typecasting, representatives of local crisis actor Daniel Mauer say he is seeking a wider range of roles, hoping to finally break from his recurring part as “Father of Dead Child #4.”

“At first I was happy getting any role that came along, and any form of ‘Grieving Father’ is decent — lots of speaking parts, and sometimes an interview with our close friends at CNN; all that pays extra. But after all these years, I can barely remember the name of the school I’m supposed to be standing in front of,” Mauer said from an undisclosed location. “With my range, I’m cut out for so much more: I’d make a great ‘Bomb Survivor,’ or even ‘Hero Teacher.’ For Christ’s sake, I graduated top of my class at Black Site Acting School.”

Mauer’s agent, Teddy Reynolds of Operation Artists & Talent, understands the actor’s frustrations.

“Danny is a top-notch talent, but no one can get over his early work in ‘Mall Shooting #437’ back in ’06 — I nearly believed him myself. Now that’s all anybody wants him for. Just last week, I pitched him as ‘Soldier Coming Home and Surprising Daughter,’ and I got crickets,” Reynolds said via Skype. “And to be honest, he’s about to age out of Dad roles… and work gets pretty slim after that. If it’s going to happen, it needs to happen now. I mean, who gives a fuck about ‘Crying Older Uncle?’ Not me.”

While Mauer’s feelings may be valid, Deep State Director of Propaganda Affairs, Agent Archons X4, stressed the importance of everyone owning their roles.

“We hear this sort of complaint often. Every crisis actor thinks they’re the Laurence Olivier of mass shootings. But they’re not seeing the entire puzzle: it’s delicate work, and needs to be directed perfectly to stay one step ahead of the YouTubers,” Archon X4 explained from deep inside the Illuminati ocean compound. “We all appreciate Mr. Mauer’s efforts over the years — his work has warmed even my cold, reptilian blood. But if he wants to continue complaining about his assignments, I’m certain we can find him a role as ‘Missing American Tourist’ very shortly.”

Fortunately for Mr. Mauer, he has already booked a new, ongoing role as a coronavirus patient, and is set to tour the country with the production through at least 2021.

Gamer Dad Gives Up 20-25 Hours Into Forging Connection With Son

Posted on by Seth Finkelstein

SALEM, N.H. — Local gamer father Jack Ruebens has announced he will stop attempting to forge a relationship with his son Chet, 12, after over 20 hours of dedicated time together.

“I had a great time with Chet’s basic loop of outdoor activity and conversation, but it’s clear once the initial thrill of seeing my flesh and blood grow into their own person wears off, the actual experience is pretty thin,” Ruebens said. “At the end of the day, it just isn’t worth my time to invest all of this energy into Chet when there’s so many other children available.”

“You can’t think about the money and time you’ve already invested in one kid,” Ruebens added. “That’s the sunk-cost fallacy. Just leave those kids behind.”

When asked for comment, Chet was unsurprised at the news that Ruebens would not be completing his son’s story missions. 

“While I understand that my dad has a massive backlog of yardwork and Red Sox games, I maintain that the rewards for mastering the ‘Father and Son’ mechanics can provide over 100 hours of entertainment,” Chet explained. “I have some really interesting upgrades like ‘Learner’s Permit’ and ‘Shaving’ deep in my skill tree that he’s going to miss out on.”

According to those familiar with the situation, Ruebens struggled for years to carve out the hours necessary to complete the Chet campaign. He has suggested that overblown expectations may be to blame for his bouncing off of the relationship. 

“All my friends kept saying, ‘Just wait until you get to the sex talk’ or ‘The Talk is where the narrative really kicks into gear,’” the elder Reubens said. “I finally got there last week, but it was just awkward and uncomfortable for both of us. There wasn’t even a moment where I got to work through my own trauma while my son was in mortal peril or anything.”

Despite his ambivalence on the parenting genre, Ruebens still expressed excitement for his wife’s upcoming announcement of next-gen children.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master: