Cop Who Missed Monthly Union Dues Forced to Sit Out Beatdown of Suspect

Posted on by Randi Pulator

WARREN, Mich. — Ofc. Daniel Ronkowski was not allowed to participate in last night’s beatdown of a suspect after failing to pay his union dues last month, sources within the department confirmed.

“The call went out for backup units on a routine traffic stop involving a black motorist — standard protocol, happens at least 45 times a day,” said shift commander Lt. Ronald Japowiscz. “The license plate on the suspect’s vehicle appeared to be attached improperly, so we affected the stop. By the time Ofc. Ronkowski arrived on the scene, the suspect was handcuffed and face down on the ground, but he was still conscious, so we considered that ‘resisting arrest.’ Dan rolled up and pulled out his baton — he just loves using that thing, you know — hoping to help the other six officers restrain the suspect. But as the precinct union rep, I was the one who had to tell him he’d have to sit this one out. It broke my heart, but rules are rules.”

Ofc. Ronkowski was incredibly upset to miss out on standard police procedures.

“I forget to pay my union dues once in all of my two and half years on the force, and they tell me I can’t go out there and do my job the way I’ve been taught? That just sucks,” said Ronkowski. “I understand the union wouldn’t be able to help me if a complaint was filed, but there isn’t even anyone out here taping it. So where’s the harm in me taking a few practice swings just to stay sharp?”

Fellow Ofc. Tony Morocco empathized with Ronkowski.

“I get it — these days, it’s just too risky, especially if your union membership has lapsed. But mostly, it’s just not fair to all the members who paid their dues on time,” said Morocco, who holds the precinct record for most complaints against him. “I told Dan, ‘See if you can Venmo your June membership payment right now, I think there’s a seven day grace period,’ but he just stormed back to his squad car and punched the steering wheel for 10 minutes to cool off.”

Sources close to Ofc. Ronkowski report he plans to take out his frustrations on his wife and kids later tonight.

Opinion: Dress for the Band You Want, Not the One You’re In

Posted on by Bobby Korec

Conventional wisdom says that your outer appearance should give off some serious upward mobility vibes. That’s why I dress as if I were in one of the most financially prosperous bands of all time, which is none other than Kiss.

Who cares if the rest of the members of my shoegaze band are regularly seen in schlubby ill-fitted apparel they bought on clearance at the Goodwill. You should always treat your current band as a mere stepping stone to a more lucrative one.

Sure, I despise Kiss as much as the next guy, but have you Googled Gene Simmons’ net worth? Good God. For that amount, I would dress up like a Juggalo spaceman or a cat or whatever the fuck whenever the fuck. Count on it.

How you dress sends a powerful signal to the music world. That’s why I spend way more time researching glam makeup tutorials than I do writing original material. Few people know this, but being in a band is actually more about your fashion choices than it is about quality songwriting. Look no further than Kiss as evidence.

You don’t even have to enjoy what you wear to climb that corporate band ladder either. Do you think those Wall Street bros like wearing suits all day long? Of course not. You have to make sacrifices if you want to get ahead. Personally, I spend four hours a day practicing my walk in unnecessarily high platform shoes.

Bottom line is that when people see me in my “dressed for sellout success” attire, I know they think to themselves, “that total badass of a bass player must be so rich and successful from playing all those overpriced arena shows and swindling fans with an ungodly amount of cheap band memorabilia. He probably has a savings account too.”

Treat your wardrobe like a wearable vision board and before you know it you’ll be up to your knees in $0.006 royalty checks from Spotify.

New Weezer Album Entering Human Trials After Promising Results from Tests on Rats

Posted on by Amir Adan

LOS ANGELES — Legendary rock group Weezer celebrated today as their latest record finally completed months of successful laboratory tests on rats and is now clear to undergo human trials.

“In the earlier phases of the album’s development and testing, scores of rats were unfortunately lost,” said Xenon Research team lead James Robertson. “But with some minor tweaks to the initial demo tracks, like cheesier choruses and more bland instrumentation, we’ve seen great success. Human trials are always a little risky, but there will be precautions taken — like limiting listening sessions to no more than a couple songs at a time to hopefully mitigate the risks. With that said, we are anticipating great results.”

Weezer singer and songwriter Rivers Cuomo was ecstatic about the news.

“Not much of our stuff gets through the animal testing phase anymore, so this rocks. Hopefully it’s what the fans want — the writing process for this album was a bit disheartening, because apparently a lot of the rats exposed to some of the early tracks ended up killing themselves,” Cuomo said. “Now that we have a bunch of songs dialed in and the rats like it, our fans are likely to like it as well. I’ve tried listening to the album myself, and I’ve only experienced mild side-effects: light nausea, headaches, slight anal leakage, and a mild fungus in my perineum — nothing crazy. Really excited to get this into the hands of our listeners.”

However, animal rights activists believe the testing was just the latest example of animal cruelty.

“The lack of care shown by the researchers responsible for these tests is truly disgusting,” said vegan activist Jordan Miller. “Subjecting innocent animals to this disgusting filth is more than shameful. Animals deserve care and affection — not these awful living conditions, where they’re forced to listen to such bad music. I miss when music was cruelty free and more organic, you know? This artificial, mass produced stuff just isn’t good for us, and it’s definitely not good for the animal test subjects either. We’ve gotta put an end to it. I don’t know how these monsters sleep at night.”

Sources report that while Xenon Research and Weezer are optimistic about the human trials, testing may be delayed due to a lack of willing human participants.

Twitter User Pins Moment They Peaked

Posted on by Tyler Simpson

MIDLOTHIAN, Texas — Twitter user Sarah Criss recently pinned the greatest accomplishment she’ll ever achieve, an observational joke about American’s eating habits and the national perception of police officers, to the top of her Twitter page, for all passersby to see. 

“if u eat the regular cheetos ur a cop,” reads the semi-viral tweet, who’s engagement dwarfs that of any of Criss’ others. By being pinned to the top of her profile, it dethrones the celebratory announcement of the formation of Criss’ improv troupe, The Prankee Poodle Pandies. 

“We’re so proud of our baby girl,” Sarah’s mother Tammy said, in response to her achieving the highlight of her life thus far. “We know Sarah will reach even greater heights in the future. This joke is great, but I can’t wait until she does something even more amazing, like go on a trip with friends, or raise a kid she’s proud of! Sarah is only 23 years old. There’s no way this is as good as it’s going to get.”

Congratulations poured in for Sarah’s accomplishment from friends and family well into the night.

“Getting a hundred likes on a tweet feels incredible. It’s such an amazing rush. I can’t wait for it to happen again, which I’m sure it will.”, Sarah said as she composed another tweet that felt as funny as the other one, but will not get anywhere near as much attention as her recently pinned composition.

Criss mentioned other aspirations she has, which include writing, improv, and mountain climbing.

“I mean, hell, I reached the summit of the mountain that is Twitter,” she said. “Why not scale an actual mountain and compare the experiences?”

As of press time, The Prankee Poodle Pandies have disbanded, citing Criss’ growing ego as the ultimate breaking point in the group’s storied three month history.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

Chinese Film Panders to Americans With Chase Sequence Through Downtown Branson, Missouri

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

SHANGHAI — One scene in the well-received Chinese film Guardians of the North is being called out for pandering to American audiences due to the main characters inexplicably pursuing one another through the streets of downtown Branson, Missouri. 

“All of a sudden, in the middle of the movie, the antagonist is hiding out at a Go-Kart track in the midwest and the hero has to fly there and track him down,” early test audience member Li Wei Zhao said. “Then they are running along trolly tracks, through fudge shops and arcades, and end up fighting in the Titanic Museum. It just seemed unnecessary. Although, the part at the outlet mall was very pretty.”

Guardians of the North’s director Zhang Yong Liu defended his decision at a press junket.

“The bad guy in the film is a teenage God called Nezha,” he explained. “Of course he would want to go to America and see Presley’s Country Jubilee or Branson’s Famous Baldknobbers while drinking Coca-Cola. It is necessary for his character development to be in the popular middle-western village of Branson. If American’s like seeing a car chase through historic downtown Branson, past such places like Mellow Mushroom Pizza, The Farm Museum, and Dick’s Oldtime Five & Dime, well, that is just an added bonus.”

To their credit, many Americans have loved the decision.

“I was watching this weird fuckin’ Chinese movie and then WHOA HOLY SHIT IT’S BRANSON MISSOURI!!!!!!!” said commenter Kris Newell in a Letterbox’d review. “I have never been to Branson and I don’t know anyone from Branson but DAMN do I love seeing America in a movie. USA! USA!!”

The filmmakers are already planning for their next film to have a heist take place at the Corn Palace in Mitchell, South Dakota.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

Company Names Only Black Employee “Chief Diversity Officer” Without Asking Him

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

CHICAGO — Local advertising firm Intuitive Front promoted Sean Graham, their only African-American employee, to the newly created “Chief Diversity Officer” position today without his applying for or being told about the new role, confirmed sources within the company patting themselves on the back.

“We here at Intuitive Front are devoted to diversity and inclusion. We stand with the Black Lives Matter movement and the protesters fighting for equality, and we believe Sean Graham is the perfect face for our company to show we care. And while no person at an executive level is a person of color or female, we still believe we can help make a difference,” said CEO Spencer Marshall from his high-rise office. “Sean is a valuable employee, and… oh. Is he black? I didn’t even realize. You see, we here at Intuitive Front don’t see color.”

Graham, however, was taken aback by the promotion.

“I’m just a PR intern — I didn’t really think anyone even noticed me. I came in this morning and there was a Post-It on my desk congratulating me on being promoted to Chief Diversity Officer. I had to Google it to find out what that even means,” Graham said. “Apparently, it doesn’t come with a pay raise, and I really don’t have to do anything… although, my picture is on the splash page of the company website, and it looks like they bought some stock photos of other POCs that they photoshopped behind me.”

Experts are finding a trend among companies committing to diversity while it is popular.

“Companies are scrambling to show off their diversity. We are finding minorities who are mailroom clerks, accountants, and, in one case, a guy who was just standing in the lobby, being promoted to positions of power,” said corporate sociologist Sheryl De León, Ph.D. “I myself became Chief Diversity Officer of my university just this morning, and they said it had nothing to do with the fact that I am a ‘Mexican female.’ For the record, I am Guatemalan.”

As of press time, Graham had already lost his position when the company discovered they employed a janitor who is both gay and Asian.

We Sat Down With a Survivor of the 1918 Flu and Accidentally Killed Him

Posted on by Ted Pillow

Our deepest, most sincere apologies to the family and friends of 1918 flu survivor Mortimer Pyle. We recently sat down with Mr. Pyle to discuss his childhood memories of one of the deadliest pandemics in world history. Unfortunately, our interview had rather unfortunate repercussions for the old timer.

The Hard Times: Thanks for meeting with us! I’m so thrilled to talk with you!
Pyle: Please stop shouting, I can hear just fine. And shouldn’t you be wearing a mask around me? I’m 108 years old.
That’s totally my bad. I left it in the car. Plus I’m growing this sick quarantine beard and the mask makes it all itchy. Anyway, how old were you when the 1918 flu began?
I was six years old. Also, can you back up a little?
Totally, dude. I’m just really a ‘people person,’ you know? Anyway, we’d love to hear what you remember about the 1918 pandemic. How did it affect daily life? Was DoorDash still operating?
Sorry, my throat seems to be troubling me, let me just finish this water. 
That’s your water? Oh, shit dude, I thought it was mine! Haha I kept taking sips from it, isn’t that funny? 
My entire family contracted the flu during the devastating second wave. I was bedridden for a week, my body racked with pain, and my mind seized by feverish apparitions.
Gnarly! Tell me more. Did people show up at the state capitol with guns because they weren’t allowed inside Denny’s? Also, is it just me or is it kind of a beta cuck move to wash your hands after you pee?
Please extinguish that cigarette! 
Haha this isn’t a cigarette, bro! You wanna hit this? [Sneezes loudly and messily]
Are you kidding me? I’m getting the hell out of here.

Well, you can probably guess what happened to Mr. Pyle after that. In his haste to storm off, Mr. Pyle ran into our next interview subject, wildlife expert “Scorpion” Steve Lomax. “Scorpion” Steve was having serious difficulty controlling the hordes of venomous insects he had brought with him to the office, and there was a terrible accident. A very, very terrible accident.

In our defense, Mr. Pyle should have disclosed to us that he was allergic to murder hornets. Oh well. R.I.P. Mortimer Pyle. Mad props to you for surviving two pandemics. When heaven gets Zoom, you’ll be our first call.

Police Dog Doesn’t See Color

Posted on by Malcolm Whitfield

HOUSTON — A dog serving with the Houston Police Department issued a statement today responding to allegations of racism in his department, claiming that he personally doesn’t see color while pursuing suspects.

“Speaking on behalf of myself and my unit, skin color hardly enters the conversation,” explained Duke, a five-year-old German Shepherd who has worked with the Houston K9 unit since 2016. “The job I was trained to do requires swift action and quick decisions, so I don’t even have time to question the race of who I tackle, bite, and continue biting until instructed to stop. I don’t care if you’re black, white, grey, darker grey, a shade of grey even darker than that, or just a plastic bag that got caught on a telephone pole — just don’t commit crimes, and you won’t get taken down.”

While Duke acknowledged that nationally there are a few “bad apples” in law enforcement, he and his handler reiterate that most cops are “very good boys, yes they are.”

“I’ve known Duke for his whole life, and have never met a more alert cop. I should know — I trained him myself,” said Lt. Phil McCrone, Duke’s handler/trainer and a senior officer with 18 discrimination complaints against him. “His record speaks for itself. One time we were out for a walk, and he jumped up and bit an African-American man just walking by, right in the throat. Turns out the guy was a scumbag criminal who had two unpaid parking violations against him, and had used a small amount of marijuana earlier that week, which he claimed ‘helped’ with his ‘seizures.’ Duke is a credit to this force, and I’m damn proud to know him.”

Recent studies show that Black and Latino men are more than 50% more likely to be targeted and arrested. However, The Houston K9 unit is pushing back, saying they are the ones being victimized.

“We do a tough job, and the thanks we get is being demonized by the media,” remarked Rusty, a seven-year-old Rottweiler and decorated officer. “My colleagues and I keep this city safe! There’s a witch hunt going on in this country, and we don’t deserve to be treated like animals. Even me — literally an animal. Treat me like a man. A white man.”

At press time, Duke was eating his own shit and growling at a passing car playing loud rap music.

The Avengers Furlough Hawkeye

Posted on by Collin Preciado

ESOPUS, N.Y.  — The Avengers announced today that they will be making furloughs in order to assist with the gradual reopening of the Avengers Initiative, starting with Clint “Hawkeye” Barton.

“This was not an easy choice,” said Dr. Bruce Banner at a press conference within the Avengers Headquarters in upstate New York. “This disease has taken quite a toll on the economy at large and the Avengers are no exception. We needed to make budget cuts and this just made the most sense financially. Not to mention, you know. He just sorta shoots arrows.”

“We kept him around all through the Thanos stuff,” Banner continued. “He was like going around Asia killing people. Pretty nutso stuff. We feel that we did everything we could to protect his position.”

Hawkeye, one of the more senior members of the current iteration of the Avengers, held his own press conference via Zoom.

“It makes zero sense,” proclaimed the recently ousted archer. “First off, all I do is fight from far away. I don’t go near anyone. Ever. Pretty useful during these times, don’t you think? They’re all just mad at me because my music career is starting to take off.”

Hawkeye’s debut EP titled The Meta Sin released earlier this year to mostly negative reviews including a negative 5 star rating from Rolling Stone magazine. It smashed the record of lowest selling superhero novelty album in its first month after failing to sell more than Matter-Eater Lad’s notorious double LP from 1974 entitled Eating Ain’t Cheating.

Members of The Avengers categorically denied that the dismissal had anything to do with the tepidly received release.

“Absolutely not,” said James  Rhodes. “I don’t know if any one of you has seen what Barton fights interdimensional mutant demigods in, but there’s a number of things more embarrassing and unbearable about him than his aspirations to suddenly become a rock star. And the less we say about his app, the better.”

Despite the decision to furlough Hawkeye, records show the organization did hire Kate Bishop on the same day. Banner declined to comment.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master: