The Konstantino, Author at HARDTIMES

Woody Guthrie’s Guitar Arrested for Terrorist Sympathy

Posted on July 9, 2020 by Doug Francisco

TULSA, Okla. — Following President Trump’s categorization of “antifa” as a terrorist group, the Woody Guthrie Memorial Center was raided today by federal agents, taking Guthrie’s famous “This Machine Kills Fascists” guitar into custody.

“This was unwarranted on so many levels. Sure, the guitar always talked a big game, but it wasn’t posing a threat to anyone,” said museum director Terence Mejia. “What happened to the First Amendment? That guitar was only trying to express itself in the best way it knew how. Those jack-booted government cowards came in here in the middle of the night and dragged the guitar out of here by the neck, and now it’s probably out of tune. I hope this doesn’t discourage people from calling the Trump administration out on their bullshit.”

An FBI spokesperson said the Bureau does not comment on ongoing investigations, but the department takes threats of terrorist activity seriously.

“Ever since 9/11, we can’t be too careful when it comes to threats foreign or domestic,” the representative said. “This guitar claims to kill fascists, and that clearly means it plans on killing President Trump. The guitar’s message was received loud and clear. For now it has been neutralized at one of our many black sites, and will be released once we feel the country is back to the status quo.”

In the days following the terrorist designation for “antifa,” the FBI and other federal law enforcement agencies arrested at least 1,000 objects espousing anti-fascist sentiments.

“Bathroom stalls in dive bars, brick walls near train tracks, and countless middle school students’ binders are all under interrogation by law enforcement officials,” said Columbia law professor A.J. McLean. “President Trump is subverting the rule of law to hold up the appearance that he is an iron-fisted ruler, when in reality, his hands are too tiny and delicate to ever be compared to iron.”

Leaked reports show President Trump also ordered the exhumation of Guthrie’s body, with a stake driven through his heart “just in case.”

Disgusting: Little Baby Bitch Boy Coward Gamer Brightens Horror Settings So Symbol Still Visible

Posted on July 8, 2020 by Gabie Barnes

PHILADELPHIA — Local game enthusiast and known little baby bitch boy Shawn Hughes began his playthrough of The Last of Us Part 2 Saturday, reportedly adjusting the brightness settings so that the symbol on his screen was entirely visible like the enormous fucking coward he is.

“It says to brighten until the symbol is ‘barely visible’, but I’m going to do it just a little bit more,” said Hughes, 26, a little weakling child who probably still needs to sleep with a nightlight. “I just really want to be able to appreciate the environmental design. I hear the backgrounds are stunning.”

Hughes, the pathetic fucking wimp that he is, reportedly then walked around his apartment and turn on every single light fixture and lamp surrounding his living room. Sources say he even set up his laptop on the coffee table, opened YouTube, and clicked on a Let’s Play of the game that he had bookmarked earlier that day to make sure there weren’t any jump scares that would make him wet his little diaper.

“Just want to make sure I don’t miss any collectibles or Easter eggs,” said the piece of human waste not even worthy of licking boots. “It’ll spoil some of the plot a little bit, I guess, but I’m just such a completionist.”

After playing through the first hour of the game, the disgusting worm formerly known as Shawn Hughes stood up from his couch, opened up the blinds to let in some sunlight, and retreated to his bedroom to play Animal Crossing: New Horizons on his Switch as an alleged “cooldown.”

“I just noticed it’s almost noon, and I need to check my turnip prices before they change,” said Hughes, seeming unaware of how pathetic it is that he was scared to play The Last of Us before lunchtime. “Plus, I was planning on going for a run soon anyway, so I felt like I’d reached a pretty good place to stop.”

After checking his turnip prices, Hughes grabbed his running shoes and apartment keys and began to ready himself to leave for his run, tail between his legs, spineless and certainly devoid of any sense of self-worth.

“The game seems really fun so far. I might play a little bit more after work today,” he declared as he headed out the door, oblivious to the fact that his parents consider him to be their greatest shame and source of regret and rue the day he was ever born. “Wow, what a beautiful day!”

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

Police Department Assigns Peaceful Protestors Automatic Five-Star Wanted Level

Posted on July 8, 2020 by Chandler Dean

LOS SANTOS, Calif. — In a move that local activists decried as the latest example of carceral state overreach, the Los Santos Police Department has adopted a policy automatically assigning all peaceful protestors a five-star wanted level.

“This is a decision we are making for the safety of our city,” read a statement released by Los Santos City Hall. “We’ve seen other municipalities issue restrictive curfews and tear gas their residents, and we figured that comically unleashing the entire might of our police department on peaceful protesters was the next logical step.”

Some protesters claimed that this policy demonstrated the urgency of their cause.

“This is why we need to defund the police,” said activist Willow Bridges. “Police cars, helicopters, the SWAT team, a tank, and a seemingly infinite spawn of cops swarming you wherever you go? If there were a lunatic roaming the streets with an illegally-generated rocket launcher, it’d make sense. But for peaceful protesters, it’s excessive.”

Other activists described the arrest process itself as particularly harrowing.

“They pulled me out of my vehicle, and suddenly I started seeing black-and-white,” recounted community organizer Paloma Ruedas. “I can’t explain why, but the word BUSTED reverberated through my mind the whole time. Then I blacked out, and when I woke up outside the jail I weirdly had all of my weapons except the one I was holding in my hand at the time of arrest.”

A representative for the Los Santos Police Department defended the decision in the context of their other automatic trigger policies.

“There are certain actions that warrant a zero-tolerance response,” Officer Brandon Morrison explained. “Refusing to leave the Los Santos Golf Club after a verbal warning, standing on top of a cable car at Mount Chiliad, peacefully protesting…in situations like those, our officers are scripted to shoot to kill, or fine the perpetrator several hundred dollars — whatever comes first.”

At press time, several hundred protesters had reportedly avoided arrest by stealing a plane and flying away really fast.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

Tudor Split-Levels Hunted to Extinction in Emotional “House Hunters”

Posted on July 8, 2020 by Jonah Nink

LOS ANGELES — The last remaining Tudor split-level house known to mankind was burned to the ground yesterday during the filming of an emotional episode of HGTV’s popular series “House Hunters,” series executives confirmed.

“My wife and I are huge fans of ‘House Hunters,’ so you can only imagine how excited we were to be featured on the show,” said “House Hunters” guest Bob Reinecker, standing next to the blazing split-level. “While going on a cross-country arson spree wasn’t exactly what we were expecting — and we still do need to purchase a home — being a part of our favorite show couldn’t have been more fun. We kept two of the decorative shutters from each kill to hang in our trophy room once we buy our home.”

HGTV executives changed the direction of “House Hunters” because some viewers found the show’s title misleading.

“For every viewer who praises ‘House Hunters,’ there are about 10 more who complain that no one in the show actually kills a house for sport,” said Amy Villanaueva, Head of Programming at HGTV. “We felt so guilty about confusing our viewers that we finally said, ‘State arson laws be damned,’ and ordered our guests to hunt different types of houses, starting with those mid-century eyesores: Tudor split-levels. Our teams are now heavily armed with a variety of guns and flamethrowers to make sure each house is properly taken down.”

While the episode won’t air until next month, HGTV’s new approach to “House Hunters” has received overwhelmingly positive reviews, even among those whose homes were destroyed.

“If it were any other pair of arsonists dumping gasoline onto my house, I’d have tried to stop them. But since it was ‘House Hunters,’ I couldn’t help but grab a jerry can and join in the fun,” wrote Todd Yang in the caption of an Instagram post showing the charred remains of what was once his home. “I don’t know where my family and I will live now, but It’s nice to see that HGTV is finally giving its viewers what they really want: to watch someone burn down some fucker’s house!”

HGTV has announced that prairie-style houses will be hunted next, and is accepting applications to appear on the show, emphasizing that those with an arson record would be prioritized. “If you and your spouse are knowledgeable about your local real estate market, have fun chemistry, and know your way around a Molotov cocktail, we want to hear from you!” said Villanaueva.

Fourth Job Listed on Man’s Facebook Profile Also Only Real One

Posted on July 8, 2020 by Patrick Coyne

SARASOTA, Fla. — Local musician, blog editor-in-chief, stand-up comedian, and medical records clerk Geordie Warren has his only real paying job listed fourth on his Facebook page behind his few, non-paying hobbies, decidedly mediocre sources confirmed.

“Music is my dream… plus, writing, and also comedy. Sometimes a little needlepoint to mellow out. Filing paperwork isn’t my passion — that’s just temporary while I make a name for myself,” said Warren. “A lot of people told me, ‘If you don’t make it as an artist by 25, you should give up.’ And even more people told me that when I turned 30, and then again at 40. But if I listened to them, I wouldn’t be running my own open mic at midnight every fourth Tuesday down at Jerry’s Place.”

Operations manager and Warren’s supervisor Corrine Lively claimed Warren’s job performance has suffered due to his “fingers being in too many pies.”

“I’m all for employees having passions outside of work, but Geordie is burning the candle at both ends. Recently, during a team building exercise, he jumped up to do a five-minute stand-up chunk about how ‘black clerks and white clerks file medical records differently.’ Then he insisted we all play a game of ‘Zip, Zap, Zop’ — which is apparently some improv thing — but it was so embarrassing for everyone, I’ve been trying to block it out of my mind,” said Lively. “I also caught him printing hundreds of fliers for an all-ages music show Saturday night, which itself isn’t that bad, but the address for the show was our office building.”

Life coach Chaz Gilmore believes, however, that Warren’s commitment in the face of inevitable failure is admirable.

“As a creative, it’s important to work on your personal brand, no matter how stupid, shallow, or impossible that pursuit may seem,” said Gilmore. “I’ve worked with a lot of people like Mr. Warren, pursuing several different creative endeavors, and I always tell them the same thing: you should never give up on your dreams, or stop paying me to be your life coach. I’m living proof that the idea of ‘fake it ‘til you make it’ actually works — for my actual day job, I euthanize stray animals down at a shelter.”

Warren has since updated his education credit on his Facebook profile to “School of Hard Knocks,” which bumped the University of Phoenix down a position.

Sleep Study Finds 40% Of People Produce Giant Inflating Snot Bubble During REM Cycle

Posted on July 8, 2020 by Grant Mulitz

SANTA CRUZ, Calif. — Noting a breakthrough in our understanding of human sleep behaviors, researchers at U.C. Santa Cruz have found about 40% of people will form a gigantic, inflating snot bubble during the REM cycle, indicating to everyone watching that they are in the deepest phases of sleep.

“A pulsating mucus glob of three-to-five inches in diameter was the most common sign that a subject was fast asleep” stated the findings, adding that snot bubbles tend to appear most often when a person falls asleep at hilariously inappropriate times, such as in the middle of a conversation, when a teacher calls on them in class, or right before a dramatic battle sequence.

“Our findings that two out of five people generate snot balloons in their sleep flies in the face of our assumptions that this only happens to background characters or as quirky comic relief,” says lead investigator Dr. Richard Markos. “It seems to be incredibly common. In fact, in one out of twenty cases, a person’s snot balloon can grow big enough to float them away on a spiritual journey across the ocean.”

Markos and his team also observed how popping a person’s snot bubble impacted their sleep pattern.

“In all cases, popping the nasal discharge with a sharp pin woke the subject up from their slumber with a 100 percent success rate. We are unsure whether that is because the pops were really loud, or if there is some underlying neurological connection between snot bubbles and the brain. That is a topic for further research.”

The survey also notes that, when told the results of the study, participants expressed visible embarrassment about their snot bubbles by forming one giant bead of sweat gliding down their bright blue forehead.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

My Son Uses Gender Neutral Pronouns and I Respect His Identity

Posted on July 8, 2020 by Luke Woodward

Navigating complicated issues around young people and gender can be confusing and even frustrating at times. Well this father is tackling those issues head-on. I’m a pretty old school guy but my love for my family exceeds all else. That’s why I am proud to say that my son uses gender neutral pronouns and I respect his identity.

When Alex came to me and told me he thought he was nonbinary and would like me to start using gender neutral pronouns for him, I was initially very perplexed. He had always enjoyed sports and other boy activities. Oops, sorry. I know anyone can play sports. I’m trying. Plus, he had never given any outward indication that he was struggling with his identity. However, after reading many stories of young LGBT people suffering in silence, I can only sit with my regret for not helping him sooner. Poor little guy.

When Alex explained the concept of dysphoria to me, it opened my eyes to how he feels about his body. Cisgender boys take for granted feeling comfortable in their bodies, while people like my son struggle with intense feelings of physical and mental anguish. I try to help him however I can but it’s just so hard seeing such a gentleman suffer.

Please parents, do not let your boy become another statistic. So many trans youth commit suicide due to lack of acceptance from peers and family and we cannot sit silently by and watch this continue. If your little guy wants to explore different pronoun options, don’t assume you know how he feels. Just be supportive.

Alex did ask us to call him “Peyton” but this is a Patriots house and that shit just ain’t gonna fly.

Punk Roommates Argue Over Whose Turn It Is to Throw the Dishes Out

Posted on July 8, 2020 by Dom Turek

ZANESVILLE, Ohio — Tensions between two punk roommates are on the rise today after a months-long feud over whose turn it is to throw a sink full of dirty dishes in the trash has yet to resolve itself.

“He contributes nothing to this house,” said local punk Tara Mendez of roommate Damon Lambert, while sipping her coffee out of a repurposed wonton soup container. “When was the last time he stole some groceries for the house… or cleaned his pube trimmings out of the sink without being asked? I can’t be the only one who tosses three-month-old moldy pots of mac’n’cheese out instead of washing them — throwing away a few forks and knives every now and then is the absolute least he could do.”

Although Mendez claims she was the last roommate to tackle the dirty dishes, her history with inhalants and untreated concussions have left some doubting her memory recall.

“She ‘remembers’ tossing the dishes last? That’s funny,” an irate Lambert stated. “I didn’t know her brain could do that — she certainly doesn’t seem to remember that she owes me $50, and I guess she also doesn’t remember I was the one who threw all the dishes away last Thanksgiving when she used every pot and pan in the house trying to make Tofurky and ‘stuffing,’ which just ended up being a blob of wet bread.”

For his part, third roommate Paul Burke suggested washing the dishes instead of throwing them out — an idea mostly met with animosity.

“Maybe I grew up in a more traditional home, where a porcelain dish handed down from your grandmother wasn’t considered a single-use item,” said Burke, eating a bowl of cereal with chopsticks. “ But I’ve gotten pretty good with these things. I’d do the dishes myself, but I don’t think there’s any soap on the market strong enough to cut through that grease, or blood, or whatever’s crusted on there.”

At press time, the roommates were arguing over whose turn it was to steal a roll of toilet paper from the bar downstairs.

New Sesame Street Episode Brought to You by the Letters ACAB

Posted on July 8, 2020 by Gabie Barnes

NEW YORK — Breaking tradition with the usual format of having episodes sponsored by single letters, a bruised, exhausted-looking Big Bird announced to viewers that week’s episode of Sesame Street was “brought to you by the letters ‘ACAB.’”

“It’s time for the letter of the day! But today, we have a special treat, because there are actually four letters of the day today,” said Big Bird, who had been confronted by police officers on the corner of Sesame Street earlier in the episode for sleeping outside, despite trying to explain that his large nest was actually zoned as a residence and that he had proper documentation. “The first letter of the day is ‘A’, and it’s actually the third letter, too! Let’s list some words that start with A: words like accost, assault, arrest, and abuse, as in abuse of power, which the police on Sesame Street and all throughout our country are often guilty of!”

“That’s right, Big Bird,” agreed Elmo, who’s father Louie had been the target of a stop-and-frisk procedure during the episode’s second act. “Elmo’s daddy was stopped for a search while walking down the street with Elmo just because they thought he matched the description of a suspect in the area. The description was for a purple monster wearing a Hawaiian shirt, not a red monster wearing a tracksuit jacket. That’s why the second letter of the day is ‘C’, like the quotas that the police care more about than daddy’s rights!”

“Oh, actually, Elmo, ‘quota’ starts with a Q, not a C,” added Big Bird, still nursing his wounds from the earlier police interaction. “A ‘quota’ is a numerical milestone that officers must meet over a period of time. Officers have quotas for activities like traffic stops or ticket citations. These numbers are completely arbitrary and do not reflect the needs of the community. There’s a word that actually does start with C! Community!”

Sources say that Big Bird and Elmo continued discussing police reform for several minutes before being disrupted by Cookie Monster, who incorrectly assumed that the letters ‘ACAB’ were short for ‘All Cookies Are Beautiful.’

At press time, members of the Sesame Street community released a joint statement to say that, while generally they are accepting of all animals, they wanted to make one particular message loud and clear: “fuck pigs.”

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

Space in Brain Reserved for Learning New Language Taken Up by Every Lyric from Ace of Base’s “The Sign”

Posted on July 7, 2020 by Krissy Howard

BATON ROUGE, La. — The space reserved for learning a new language in the brain of local woman Mariko Hess is instead storing every lyric from the 1993 album “The Sign” by pop group Ace of Base, according to unsurprised sources.

“I’ve been trying to learn Spanish for like, 15 years, and I can’t seem to retain anything more than something about a bathroom and a library… but I can still remember every word from that album I was listening to a lot when I was 11,” said admitted “Base-head” Hess. “This is what I get for making my cousins choreograph that dance in Myrtle Beach that one summer and insisting on being ‘the brown hair one.’ Man, fuck me.”

A now monolingual Hess realizes the error of her ways.

“If I could un-remember any of it, believe me, I would. You think I like walking around just having the lines, ‘When she woke up late in the morning light and the day had just begun, she opened up her eyes and thought… oh what a morning?’ What the fuck is that? I can’t conjugate to save my life, and those lyrics clogging up my brain is why,” Hess stated. “The worst part is, it’s not even just those hits that everyone knows from the radio that’s stuck in there, it’s the whole goddamn thing — I got ‘Dancer in a Daydream’ just permanently imprinted on my temporal lobe, and that’s from the second half of the album! When was I even listening to that part?”

Cognitive psychologist Dr. Brenda de la Vega assured Hess that she isn’t the only person who struggles with carrying “dumb as fuck” information well into adulthood.

“While many believe that humans only use 10% of their brain, the truth is that 90% is simply filled with random and entirely useless information — like the apartment number of your ex’s grandmother from 2006,” Dr. de la Vega said. “In a few years, we hope to develop a feature that will allow us to simply delete any unwanted information taking up space in our minds to make room for more timely pursuits, like Candy Crush.”

In related news, today also marks the 19th time Hess has tried to learn to crochet and given up, this time thanks to remembering every word from the rap part in TLC’s “Waterfalls.”

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