Unsolicited Opinion: As a White Woman…

Posted on by Ed Saincome

As a white woman, I’m uniquely able to take this time to listen and to learn. I’m able to, and I probably should. But—and this DOES NOT make me a Becky or a Karen, I checked with my quarter Puerto Rican co-worker—as a white woman, I owe it to my feminist foremothers to use my voice to talk endlessly, about everything and nothing, over everyone.

Ever since this whole racist cops thing started a few weeks ago, I’ve been sharing literally all the things in my Instagram stories. I’ve lost tens of followers for using my platform to spread awareness of my awareness. I’m really trying, here! Remember, I have 400 years’ worth of ignoring violence, oppression, and hatred to work through.

As a white woman, I have the complete freedom to do all the things that were included in that meme I shared about basic privileges that keep me from being murdered by cops. And now that I’ve made it clear I know what privilege is, I can keep doing those things, but as an ally.

Yes, allyship is exhausting. As a white woman, I need to tell the world I’m not racist on a daily basis since my actions don’t make that clear enough, apparently. I plan to do this today by making a protest sign that says something fetishizing about Black men, maybe with a big picture of the eggplant emoji on it to let everyone know that, in addition to not being racist, I am also funny.

It took me a long time to understand that, as a white woman, I was living as a second-class citizen, and even longer to figure out that there were third, fourth, and however many other lower classes between that and, I guess homeless disabled people? Wait, no, homeless disabled women. Who are not white. And probably others I’m not thinking of, but as soon as I see a hashtag for them, their struggle will be mine as well.

As a white woman, I may have a long way to go. But I’m not a white man and that’s gotta be worth a little something, right?

Drumstick Promoted from “Broken” to “Least Broken”

Posted on by Nick Selker

CHICAGO — A severely cracked drumstick’s condition improved yesterday from “Broken” to “Least Broken” following a set of Slayer songs that ravaged a local drumstick community, Houndozer drummer Rick Schrader reported.

“It really was a freak thing. I was in the middle of my morning warm-up playing through all of ‘Reign in Blood,’ when I noticed all of my sticks were pretty busted up,” the aspiring drummer said from behind his kit, surrounded by wood chips. “I’m saving my money to buy an industrial-sized pack of Moongel and my band hasn’t been touring lately, so I can’t just go out and buy drumsticks. Luckily, I found this little guy still intact for the most part — I just need to hold it with the crack facing east at all times, and it should be fine.”

However, Houndozer guitarist Luke Parson is concerned for the stick’s long-term health.

“Rick has a really weird system for choosing the sticks he uses: he’ll sit down and talk with them about ‘what they can bring to the table,’ and ‘where they see themselves in the next five years,’” Parson said. “I’m not saying he should stop doing it — all I’m saying is that it’s a little strange to see. If you’re choosing the successor to your broken drumstick, there are better ways to go about it. There are lots of busted up sticks in his stick pile — who’s to say the one he chose isn’t lying about its resume and might have lost its tip or something?”

Even with its doubters, the drumstick is confident it can reenter the rotation without any problems.

“I’ve been in the game for a long time. Rick may not remember it, but I was a go-to stick for his first band in college, as well as the second Houndozer tour that only played state fairs. If there’s any stick that can handle the job, it’s me,” the stick eagerly said. “I can do diddles, rolls, and even the occasional blast beat. As long as there aren’t any excessive rimshots, I’ll be fine — and Rick quit that reggae/ska fusion band a while ago.”

Schrader was last seen twirling the stick while waiting for Parson to draw lottery balls to determine which string he’d use to replace his D-string.

Mom Has Phone Font Set to One Letter Per Screen

Posted on by Matt Kenny

METUCHEN, N.J. — After months of struggling to read her iPhone 7, local mother Deborah Freidhof finally adjusted the font size to show one letter at a time on screen. 

“This is such a relief! My eyes were straining so badly I was getting migraines,” said Friedhof as she read a Washington Post article by scrolling through individual letters as though they were part of a lengthy slideshow.

Several members of Friedhof’s family did not share her enthusiasm. One of her children even reported being “embarrassed” by the change. 

“My friends see her looking at these big block letters and think she’s doing some kind of eye exam,” said high school freshman Jane Friedhof, Deborah’s daughter. “But then again, Dad wears that hideous iPad belt clip everywhere, so I guess I should count my blessings.”

Conversely, medical professionals seemed to be in consensus that Friedhof’s decision was common for a person her age. 

“Once a person turns 40, something shifts in their neurological makeup that makes them seek out the largest font sizes possible,” claimed Dr. Sunil Chandra, a neurologist with John Hopkins University. “We don’t know why this is, but MRIs suggest it affects the same part of the brain that makes patients over 40 tell the same stories over and fucking over again.” 

According to those close to her, Friedhof’s tumultuous relationship with technology does not end with her font choices. 

“Deborah is the only person I know who still clicks spear phishing links,” said Gina Hall, a family friend. “Her emails go straight to my spam now because it’s literally always a phishing scam. I can’t even imagine what her inbox looks like.”

At press time, Friedhof took to Facebook to post “HAPPY BIRTHDAY DOUG!!” as a status without tagging anyone.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

 

Jury Duty Summons Sends Man on Exciting ARG Adventure Through Municipal Court System

Posted on by Kevin Flynn

PORTLAND, Maine — Local man Ralph Pettersen was recently immersed in an exciting and ingenious alternate reality game which began when a cryptic call-to-action letter informed him that he had been “summoned for jury duty” at the local “courthouse,” sources confirmed.

“I’ve played a few ARGs like I Love Bees or the Lost Experience, but nothing as well thought out as this,” said Pettersen, while filling out a juror qualification form presumably needed to collect his personal information and send him updates on whatever TV show or MMO the ARG might be advertising. “Apparently I’m going to be added to a ‘jury’ and participate in a ‘trial,’ whatever that means. It seems like there’s a lot of crazy lore that they’re setting up, can’t wait to see how this all unfolds.”

Pettersen says that he also took a selfie holding up his completed form and uploaded it to Twitter with the hashtag #JuryDutySummons, hoping that this action would unlock some secret video for him to watch like similar ARGs had in the past. “All I saw being posted on that hashtag were people complaining that they had also been summoned. That I didn’t understand at all. Why be mad? ARGs are awesome!”

At press time, Pettersen had been immediately dismissed during jury selection after repeatedly shouting code words at the judge and attorneys hoping to progress to the next level of the ARG.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

Hypothetical Second Stimulus Check Already Spent

Posted on by Courtney Baka

CHICAGO — Local woman Bethany Cordova has already spent her non-existent, second potential $1200 government stimulus check after hearing that more economic relief money may be coming to U.S. residents.

“I read a couple headlines that said Congress was working on passing a second stimulus check for the American people. Or maybe it was the Senate,” said Cordova. “Either way, that definitely helps me out, because the first $1,200 we got was great but it didn’t last long — I had to keep ordering bottles of wine because the shop by me was closed, and I had to lend some to my boyfriend since he didn’t get a stimulus check. He doesn’t believe in paying taxes, so he wasn’t eligible.”

“Between that and the tattoo deposit, I didn’t even have enough left for rent. So this is awesome, because now I can order those boots I’ve had my eye on,” she added.

Cordova’s roommate Erin James confirmed that Cordova has been overly optimistic.

“So far Bethany has bought a Nintendo Switch, a new TV, a leather jacket, an iPad, several pairs of shoes and ordered DoorDash every night… and no one even knows if this check is happening. By my calculations, she’s expecting her stimulus check to be about $3,400, and somehow owes something around $6,000,” James recalled. “After she spent her first stimulus check on her boyfriend’s recycled vape company or whatever, she asked me to cover her rent, but it’s like, ‘Hell no!’ I already spent my stimulus money reserving Coachella tickets for next year.”

Financial therapist Janine Reynolds weighed in.

“Spending money we have not yet received is a psychological phenomenon, where people trick themselves into believing they have more money than they actually do,” Reynolds said. “Although it is common, it can be signs of a larger financial issue like Compulsive Buying Disorder, and it is something to… hold on, did you say we’re getting a second check? Hell yeah, dude! I gotta get outta here!”

We Tried to Sit Down With This Whistleblowing Cop, but She Died in a Weird Accident Before We Got the Chance

Posted on by Ella Gale

With activists across the country protesting racial inequality and police violence, The Hard Times decided to sit down with police whistleblower Kelly McAllen to hear about her firsthand knowledge of unforgivably bad policing. Unfortunately, minutes before our interview, a man who we assume was with the police walked into our office to inform us McAllen died in a weird, out-of-the-blue accident and would be happy to answer all of our questions on her behalf.

Unidentified Man in Suit Smoking a Cigarette: I understand you’re interested in talking about the totally believable accident that killed the traitor Kelly McAllen.

The Hard Times: We were more interested in the rampant, unchecked violence and prejudice that permeates through every aspect of policing in this country, but sure.
As you can read in this press briefing we wrote yesterday, Ms. McAllen’s sudden passing five minutes ago is a tragedy that could not have been prevented. It’s actually very common for dirty fucking snitches to have incredibly normal accidents inside their home.

Normal? Some of these details look pretty weird. Who keeps hemlock in their spice rack? And why would she poison herself before shooting herself 87 times?
Weird? Oh no. The only thing weird about her accident was how super-normal it was. You can read the coroner’s report. Look, right there, under “cause of death.”

“Completely typical death. Nothing to see here. Move along folks.”
That’s right.

This is concerning. After agreeing to this interview, McAllen reportedly told her friends and family that she was worried about retribution.
Now who said that? If you give us some names, we’d be happy to clear that up.

Ya know, it’s coming back to us why we have a rule not to talk to cops.
I think we’re done here. Be sure to send your article over before you publish it. It’d be a shame if you got any details wrong, especially in a case where everything was so boring and credible.

“All Lives Matter” Protestors Recognize One Another from “Pro-Death Penalty” Rally

Posted on by Ted Pillow

MIAMI — Protestors gathered for yesterday’s “All Lives Matter” rally quickly realized that they all already knew each other thanks to last year’s “Pro-Death Penalty” rally, racist sources attending the event confirmed.

“I didn’t expect this ‘All Lives Matter’ rally to be such a wonderful reunion!” confided Ned Wallace, simultaneously waving the American flag, the Confederate flag, and a “Punisher” logo flag. “My jaw just about hit the floor when I saw all my buddies from those ‘pro-death penalty’ rallies we had last year after that kid got caught with a dimebag of weed. Hell, I hope I see these same folks next weekend — we’ve got a ‘pro-life’ march on Saturday, and then an NRA picnic on Sunday.”

The “All Lives Matter” rally was held in response to a much larger “Black Lives Matter” event occurring simultaneously on the other side of town.

“I believe that all lives matter — which means it really fucking pisses me off when people say that black lives matter,” explained rally attendee Waylon Jarrett. “Anyway, it’s great to see everyone back after last year’s candlelight vigil to reinstate death-by-firing-squads. It’s a gorgeous day, and we’ve got tons of people out here supporting America because they want what’s best for our country. Although we did have to kick out a few pussies for wearing masks.”

According to experts, support of the death penalty is common amongst the “All Lives Matter” movement.

“In psychology, we call it ‘cognitive dissonance’ — when a person holds seemingly incompatible beliefs, such as saying that ‘all lives matter,’ while also endorsing state-sanctioned execution,” noted renowned psychologist Dr. Anna St. Claire. “Or pro-life advocates who have no issue with cops needlessly murdering civilians, or Trump voters who claim they aren’t ‘racist scum.’ You get the idea.”

At press time, several “All Lives Matter” protestors gathered to protect a confederate statue, which they later discovered was actually a local KFC’s “Colonel Sanders” promotional display.

Shigeru Miyamoto Delays Orgasm for Quality Purposes

Posted on by JD Lowe

KYOTO, Japan — Shigeru Miyamoto announced today that in order to make sure he lives up to his highest standards, he will be delaying the orgasm he was to give to his wife, Yasuko Miyamoto.

“This is not a choice I have made lightly,” Miyamoto said, according to those familiar with the situation. “A healthy relationship can take many forms, one of which is helping your partner achieve climax. While I strive to be a very giving lover, I feel that I should delay my wife’s orgasm. After all, a teased orgasm can be a good orgasm, but a rushed one is forever bad.”

Those close to Yasuko Miyamoto say that she was vocally displeased with the announcement of the orgasm’s delay.

“The last time he ‘produced’ one of my orgasms was 2017,” she explained.  “I didn’t mind, originally; when he first started bringing his work home, he would turn on noclit and just explore my body, and it was amazing. But as a woman, I have needs not being met. If things don’t get better, I might run off with [head of PlayStation] Hermen Hulst!”

At press time, Miyamoto had sent his wife a high resolution photograph of his flaccid penis, but had no other information on when an erection would be available, saying it’s “in development.”

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

Call of Duty: Warzone Update Requires 100GB, a Little Bit of Blood

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

MIDDLETON, Wisc. — A new update to Activision’s Call of Duty: Warzone requires users to give up 100gb of their hard drive space as well as just a teeny bit of blood.

“The file sizes are big, but that’s because the game is big. We don’t want to hold back with Warzone in the slightest, even if that means requiring room for another 100gb update or users being forced to bottle up just a small vial of blood, putting it into an envelope, and mailing it to our headquarters here in Wisconsin,” said Raven Software Creative Director Amos Hodge. “And to be clear, it doesn’t have to be your blood! It can be anyone’s blood, as long as it’s human and still pretty warm. That’s what you’ll need to play 50v50 battles in the newest update to Warzone.”

When asked why so much space and so little blood was required of Call of Duty fans, Hodge insisted they were necessary.

“The new 50v50 mode is going to be very taxing on players’ hardware. 100 players battling it out in real time in very small sections of the map? That takes a lot of space,” Hodge said. “But the thing is, we’ve already asked people for 100gb in the past. It’s old news. We need more. We need to take more from people. That’s why we need the blood, as well. Just a little bit for now. We won’t tell you why we need it — it’s for the Rumble mode, or duos or something. But next update? We’ll need more blood. Then we’ll need even more blood. Then we’ll want a finger or a toe. Next, you’ll swear allegiance to Activision.”

“If you want to make your loadout competitively viable, or even just good enough to not immediately get murdered by worse players,” Hodge added, “you will need to surrender your first born to the battle pass. And you’ll need to download a 125gb update. You want a fucking free battle royale?! These are all absolutely necessary.”

At press time, Activision announced that Call of Duty: Warzone is coming to the Nintendo Switch completely free of charge, but will require the entire hard drive space, as well as for players to sign a contract that places them under the legal ownership of Activision Sea Organization for 1,000 years.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

Producers Promise “Community” Movie Will Continue Series’ Steady Decline in Quality

Posted on by Louie Aronowitz

LOS ANGELES — As the promise of “six seasons and a movie” finally comes to fruition, producers of the upcoming “Community” feature film vowed today to continue the show’s steady decline in quality that started in season 4.

“We owe it to the fans to never quite reach the highs we hit in the early seasons before Donald Glover left,” series creator and writer Dan Harmon said while flipping a coin to decide certain characters’ arcs. “We’re following the ‘Heroes’ model of consistently worsening over time, right on down to bringing the show back 10 years later for new lows.”

Though producers promise that all favorite characters are returning, they have yet to explicitly confirm exactly how.

“Everyone’s so busy now, but we believe we found a way to make it work. For instance, Danny Pudi could only do a day of voiceover — we thought about maybe doing another claymation thing, but instead, Abed will be wearing an invisibility cloak the whole movie,” said producer Joe Russo. “And it’s written in that Annie goes back in time, so we’ll just use clips of Alison Brie from ‘Mad Men,’ and then Donald Glover’s character Troy will use a Steve Urkel/Stefan Urquelle machine in the first act — that way, we can use a different actor. And since it takes place during the pandemic, most other principal characters are body doubles wearing masks.”

One fan-favorite character missing for budgetary reasons is the lovable and quirky Dean Pelton, played by Jim Rash, who confirmed he was willing to be in the film but wasn’t even asked.

“I texted Dan Harmon when I heard about the movie, and he said he would have written me into the script, but he’d already gotten fired… again,” Rash pointed out. “And then I tried to contact the director, but apparently the studio is going to just give everyone the half-script and hope for the best. You guys know I won an Oscar, right?”

Though not in the movie, Chevy Chase, who played Pierce Hawthorne in the series, tried to join in a pre-production meeting but was kicked out after screaming the “n”-word at Joel McHale and injuring himself doing a pratfall. He is, unfortunately, expected to make a full recovery.