Man Enters Third Year of Trying to Break In Doc Martens

Posted on by Patrick Crooks

SEATTLE — Local punk Kyle Treacher has entered his third year of trying to break in a pair of Doc Martens, struggling to stave off complete destruction of his feet and street cred.

“Goddamn these things. I’ve tried everything with these pieces of shit, from rubbing them with oil to having my buddy run them over with his truck, and they still hurt like a bastard,” said Treacher, rubbing his heels in anguish. “I spent $150 on these fucking boots, and for what? They’re not water-resistant, I can’t wear them hiking, and what do I need a steel toe for? I’m an IT specialist! All I’ve gotten from these are blisters, fallen arches, and possibly sciatica. I bought these things for the look, and I’ve never felt like a bigger asshole in my life.”

While Treacher’s friends admire his dedication, they privately admitted it might be time to move on.

“I told Kyle to ditch those poser boots and just go with something more practical, like Chucks,” said longtime friend Dan Lazaro, trying to get a pebble out of his own pair of Chuck Taylors. “These things are a lot more comfortable and easier to break-in. Plus, they don’t hurt your feet if you’re doing anything active, like Doc Martens do… unless you step on a pebble, or even a beer can tab. Those things will just pierce right through Chucks and shred your feet up good.”

When reached, reps from Doc Martens denied any responsibility.

“For 70 years, Doc Martens have existed for one purpose and one purpose only: to show others how punk you are by conforming to a specific trend,” said company rep Paul Hauser. “These boots have no real world applications, and aren’t even especially good quality — the only purpose our boots serve is to say, ‘I think I saw one of the Rancid guys wearing something similar once.’ If Mr. Treacher is that much of a slave to trends, then quite frankly, he deserves the corns and bunions he suffers.”

At press time, Treacher was seen buying red boot laces in an attempt to at least “spice them up a bit.”

Photo by James Knapp.

Can You Violate the Geneva Conventions in Mario Kart DS, Kingdom Hearts 2, and Call of Duty: Advanced Warfare?

Posted on by Giovanni Colantonio

One of the earliest known (emphasis on ‘known’ here) cases of the United States committing war atrocities was around 1898. That’s when American troops massacred Filipino civilians to starve out revolutionaries. Of course, that level of needless violence is baked was baked into the country’s establishment itself. That’s why we need treaties like the Geneva Conventions. What would we get away with without them?

If you want a glimpse into that hypothetical, just look to the world of gaming. Every day, players step into the digital wild west and show us what a world without rules looks like. So let’s once again take a look at which games let us break the Geneva Conventions, and which allow us to uphold it.

Mario Kart is a warzone. Just look at all the bombs and homing shells meant to gun down your enemies. The problem of “military force” especially rears its ugly head Mario Kart DS, which features a literal tank as a kart option. Since article 3 of each Convention lays out protections for noncombatants, it’s safe to say that you’re exerting an extreme amount of force on your friends who are just trying to have fun when selecting this vehicle. The bottom line here: don’t be an asshole.

In most JRPGs, you generally have a healer on your team to keep your party safe. But not so fast: “The [red cross] emblem shall be displayed on the flags, armlets and on all equipment employed in the Medical Service.” That’s right; article 39 of the 2nd Geneva Convention very clearly states that anyone healing needs to be wearing that emblem. So perhaps Aerith got what was coming to her in the end. 

Speaking of emblems, let’s talk about Team Fortress 2’s spy. While spies can be used in wartime, there are very specific rules when it comes to tricking your enemy. Take article 38 of Additional Protocol 1: “It is also prohibited to misuse deliberately in an armed conflict other internationally recognized protective emblems, signs or signals.” While it doesn’t specifically say that you can’t fully embody a member of the other team, we feel like that’s reasonably implied here.

We have called out the Call of Duty series several times for its crimes against humanity, but we’ll give credit where credit is due. It’s perhaps the only game to abide by article 34 of Additional Protocol 1: “  The remains of persons who have died for reasons related to occupation or in detention resulting from occupation or hostilities and those of persons not nationals of the country in which they have died as a result of hostilities shall be respected.” Press F to uphold the Geneva Conventions.

When you walk away, you don’t hear me say “The Parties to the conflict shall take all feasible measures in order that children who have not attained the age of fifteen years do not take a direct part in hostilities.” Please, oh baby.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

Fearful Rick Moranis Unable to Back Out of Contract That Allows Disney to Really Shrink Him

Posted on by Owen Crowlie

LOS ANGELES — In a twist that has put his return to movies into troubling context, beloved 80’s and 90’s film star Rick Moranis has confirmed that Disney is legally authorized to physically shrink his body for the new film Shrunk due to a stipulation in his contract.

“Read the fine print, kids,” Moranis told reporters. “Maybe you’re thinking right now, ‘how did you miss that in the contract?’ As if I was supposed to expect that they’d try and make me a guinea pig for some sick experiment?”

Mainstay Disney producer Jon Favreau took umbrage with Moranis’ comments, and issued a statement to assure the public that all precautions would be taken to shrink the star down to size safely.

“We aren’t using Rick Moranis, who I have to say is a legendary character actor, as a subject for some twisted experiment,” Favreau explained. “The truth he neglected to mention is that the shrink ray has already undergone rigorous testing in the moonshots division of the Imagineering Laboratory underneath Disneyland. We’re also hard at work developing a growth ray to return Rick back to his normal size by the time we wrap principal photography.”

Sources within Disney confirm the decision to use an actual shrink ray was made to answer complaints about uncanny special effects in recent years. Billions of dollars have already been invested to develop faster-than-light spaceships for the untitled 2022 Star Wars film already in pre-production.

“We haven’t been able to land any actors for the new Star Wars yet, by the way, so this is everyone’s chance!” Favreau stated. “All you need to do is agree to invasive psionic implants, and you’re in!”

When asked if he would try to break his contract following the realization of what he’d committed to, Moranis demurred. “God no, are you kidding? Disney gets what Disney wants. You wanna know why Paul Rudd looks so young in all those Marvel movies? Well lemme just say he’s not the first Paul Rudd, you know?”

At press time, Disney security had reportedly scrambled and begun a perimeter check after observing security footage showing John Boyega and Rick Moranis working together to escape from their holding cells.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

Evil Cartoon Villain Still Manages to Be Completely P.C.

Posted on by Stephen Bell

OUTLANDIA — Dastardly cartoon villain and sorcerer born of hellfire Kindfresser is still somehow completely P.C. despite his abhorrent, wicked nature, according to reports from heroes of the fictional land of Outlandia.

“Look, I am an evil opportunity misanthrope with a general disdain for the people of Outlandia, regardless of their race, creed, gender, sexuality, or ability,” stated Kindfresser, Destroyer of Worlds, through blood-stained teeth. “It would be super hypocritical of me to expect others to accept me for who I am if I don’t respect who they are as people — delicious, delicious people. Besides, why use offensive or disparaging language towards the most marginalized people in our society when I can instead scream, ‘Curses!’ while pumping my fist in displeasure?”

Villager and Outlandia beet farmer Thrax Umlaut could not help but agree with this seemingly conflicting characterization.

“Kindfresser ate my kid, so naturally I hate him and can’t wait for Protagoman to thrust his blade of unending light into Kindfresser’s black heart. But it’s also hard to take Kindfresser seriously due to his high-pitched, effeminate voice and bumbling demeanor,” said Umlaut. “Even weirder is after eating my child, he apologized for using incorrect pronouns, and sheepishly walked off as if he couldn’t deal with the shame of looking like a bigot. It saved my life, but like, what the hell? That’s where you draw the line? I don’t get it.”

Protagoman, the musclebound hero and champion of Outlandia, noted Kindfresser’s schemes and insults were particularly lame “for a volcano-dwelling demon.”

“I mean, the guy torments the people of Outlandia to no end. His henchman are suspiciously diverse, which I guess is cool… but at the same time, it makes me think he’s just doing it so people applaud him. I don’t know. Plus, his insults towards me and my crew are all super childish — it’s like some hacky kid’s show writer is churning out his dialogue,” said Protagoman. “The other day, he said I was a ‘spandex-sporting donkey’ and that my hero companion Queen Kultak is a nincompoop. Bro, I just trapped you for all eternity inside The Mirror Zone of Elzador. And that’s the best you could come up with?”

At press time, Kindfresser sent a company-wide email, informing all of his evil lackeys that there would be an even more stringent policy on sexual harassment in the workplace.

Man with Beard Keeps Back Up Personality in Hat

Posted on by Alexandra Houle

TORONTO — Local well-known-for-having-a-beard guy Will Hoover has finally invested in a hat after being asked to shave for a family gathering, according to sources.

“My cousin made me shave for her wedding, so no one asked me whether I use beard oil or moustache wax — it was like I was invisible,” said Hoover of what he’d relied on for the last four years in lieu of developing a personality. “That’s when I knew I needed a backup accessory. Now when I walk into a bar, people say, ‘Hey, that looks like Stevie Ray Vaughn.’ Not only does it make me stand out, it also gives me a chance to remind them that Stevie died in a helicopter crash way before Kobe made it mainstream.”

Hoover’s cousin, Cindy Walker, disagreed.

“He looked great at my wedding — he didn’t look like a depressed wizard, like he usually does, even though he kept stroking the non-existent hair beneath his chin and looking all sad,” Walker said of the clean-shaven Hoover. “But he came alive anytime someone spoke to him — he’d doff his cap and twirl it before putting it back on his head. It was nice to see.”

Haberdasher and hat aficionado James Wilhard, who sold Hoover his hat, claimed that thanks to his work, Hoover will never go unrecognized again.

“There’s absolutely no way you can ignore a person with a wide-brim, distressed, 100% beaver hat with a macaw feather in it. That’s exactly what you pay $700 for,” said Wilhard. “And if you wear it just right and whisper the lyrics to ‘Cripple Creek’ in front of the mirror, some say you can conjure up the ghost of Robbie Robertson. Wait a second. Is he still alive?”

Following Hoover’s “spiritual awakening” after a strong wind blew his hat into four-lane traffic, however, he is now trying out “straight edge asshole guy” until the next time he needs a drink.

Opinion: It’s Time Us Lesbians Reclaimed Wrap Around Sunglasses From Racist White Guys

Posted on by Rose Vineshank

When it comes to modern social issues, there are some racist white men who simply cannot see the light. And that’s probably because they’re wearing a sweet pair of wrap-around shades that barely even fit around their big, racist heads.

For too long, guys with names like “Scooter” or “Kyle” have been posted up in their oversized trucks, ranting into their iPhone 5c’s about “minorities,” all while wearing the standard uniform; a red hat, a chinstrap beard hanging off of not much chin, and a pair of wraparounds that would look much better on its rightful place: adorned as the crown it is, resting on the middle part of the back of the head of a proud lesbian.

Lesbians are all too familiar with how clothing can be used to signal each other. I know for a fact that whenever I see a bad stick n’ poke tattoo in a cargo shorts/muscle shirt combo, my chances of scissoring are so high I feel like I’m back in art school. As a group known for bold fashion decisions, we are the only ones capable of properly appropriating their Jimmy Buffett-Core aesthetic, forcing them to constantly wonder if they are looking at a fellow alt-right dude, or just Barb, the field hockey coach.

This is not to say that we will stop protesting and doing everything we can to dismantle the systems that embolden these Ford F150 crybabies. We simply want to twist the knife using what we know best: fashion decisions that make heterosexual women go “oh, she looks… comfortable.” Let this be a warning. You better hold onto your sunglasses because, unlike your wife, the lesbians are coming.

MPD Members Disband to Focus On Individual Violent Side Projects

Posted on by Freelancer

MINNEAPOLIS — Members of the Minneapolis Police Department disbanded yesterday to focus on their individual violent side projects, citing creative differences within the force and amongst city officials, a complicit spokesperson confirmed earlier today.

“I was feeling stifled,” bemoaned Lt. Mark Kudlow. “Don’t get me wrong — I love racism. But I was beginning to feel like that’s all we’re doing. It felt stagnant. What if I wanted to hurt women for a change? And not just black women, but like, all women? People ask about a reunion in the future, and I say it’s possible — I still got more dead black people in me. But for now, I just want to focus on making the violence that gets me excited to get out of bed. I’d love to just randomly assault more people with a machine gun.”

Police departments around the country claim they would welcome officers who resigned from the MPD into their fold with open arms.

“I’ve wanted to collaborate with these guys for years now,” extolled Brevard County sheriff Wayne Ivey. “Their work is so impressive. Do you know how hard it is to be a bastard in the same city Prince was from? We’ll ease their fans in with a little excessive force here, a little evidence planting there… just some short-form stuff. But I got some big ideas, man. Two words: Martial fucking Law, baby! Brevard County, get ready to have your asses blown off. Literally, and only literally!”

“Blue Lives Matter” fans report rumors of the formation of a “bad cop” supergroup, with support echoed by national leadership.

“We want to get just the absolute worst pieces of shit around,” proclaimed Fraternal Order of Police President Patrick Yoes. “We’ll take [Derek] Chauvin the moment if… I mean, when he gets off. I’m already in talks to get Darren Wilson — hell, I’ll dig up and deputize George Zimmerman, for fuck’s sake. It’s not like these guys got anything else going on. From now on, when people think of FOP, they’ll think of murderers protected by years of racist legal infrastructure, and not the word ‘fop,’ a term for a prissy dandy boy. FOP is a proud organization, filled with killers, wife beaters, and rapists. Sure, the Catholic Church has us beat in terms of pedophilia, but you gotta have goals, right?”

The city of Minneapolis has since reported a sharp decline in violent crime, as most of its criminals had recently lost their jobs.

Nancy Pelosi Plays Single Match as Doomfist in Honor of Black Lives Matter

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

WASHINGTON — Nancy Pelosi played a match of Overwatch as the black character Doomfist earlier this morning to celebrate Black Lives Matter.

“Black Live Matters is such an important movement. I am honored to be a strong ally of racial justice,” she said in a livestream as her character stood idly, her teammates screaming in the voice chat for her to join the battle. “I wish I could do more to help, I really do. Unfortunately this one match is the limit of my powers as Speaker of the House. But if everyone comes together and votes for Democrats this November, maybe I can also play a second match as Baptiste. Black lives matter.”

Pelosi’s supporters rushed to social media to praise the Congresswoman’s show of support.

“I’m so happy to see our elected officials actually do something for once, unlike Trump,” said Kaley Graham, a 38-year-old California voter. “As a white person, everything with this whole racial thing can be so overwhelming. So it’s nice to see someone really put their money where their mouth is and play as a black character in a video game. I just can’t wait for this to all be over; fighting racism has been the hardest two months of my life.”

Those playing with Pelosi, however, were less enthusiastic about what they called her “political stunt.”

“Holy shit this fucking Doomfist player is so trash,” said D.va player xXdahkill3r04Xx. “Usually I’m really pumped when there’s a girl gamer on the voicechat but this dumb Nancy dickhead just kept talking about how it’s ‘unrealistic’ that we’ll ever get the objective. She had her ult ready all game and just kept trying to ‘compromise’ with the other team so that she wouldn’t have to use it. What the fuck?!”

At press time, Pelosi put forward a bill to write “BLACK LIVES MATTER” on the ground in Junkertown.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

Cops Leave Incendiary Red Barrels Near Protest Sites to Incite Violence

Posted on by Matt Shore

CLEVELAND — Video evidence of police officers leaving incendiary red barrels near protest sites has created controversy online.

“The barrels were not meant to incite violence,” Cleveland Police Chief Tucker “Whitey” Duke stated at a press conference this afternoon, responding to the allegations that police had distributed the barrels to ensure that the peaceful protests grew violent. “They were moved to that location for the public’s safety. After an investigation at a nearby refinery it was concluded that these barrels were dangerously close to a mine cart conveyor system with missing areas of track, so our officers took it upon themselves to relocate the orange, highly explosive barrels so that further violence could be avoided. That’s all.”

Protesters responded to these claims with a chorus of boos, causing the press conference to end abruptly and unexpectedly.

“The cops are supposed to keep the peace, but what they really want is control. They leave a bunch of explosive barrels out, they know how the average person is going to respond,” said one protester, Lisa Midoriya. “Those barrels are so tantalizing, even the most peaceful of protestors will have trouble triggering one, just to see what happens. Hell sometimes, they go off if you just kinda brush past them. It’s all fucked.”

“The one cop said, ‘Set them a couple yards apart from one another, each by an object that could ostensibly be used for cover in a firefight,’” she added. “They knew exactly what they were doing.”

Historians have long posited that villains throughout history have used incendiary red barrels as a way to create a focal point that draws the passerby’s gaze.

 “The relationship between person and barrel is complex and fraught,” said Ezra Wynan, author of Why We Detonate. “Like Chekhov’s proverbial gun, a red barrel, no matter the situation, is fated to explode. These officers know that. Shame on them.” 

“Still,” he added. “It is pretty fortunate that there have been so many miscellaneous first aid packs laying around. You don’t always see that.”

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

Instagram Famous Dog Pens 600-Word Apology for Barking at Black People in High School

Posted on by Krissy Howard

COLORADO SPRINGS, Colo. — Local Instagram personality and three-year-old Pomeranian JuJu shared today a sprawling, 600-word post in which she admitted to barking at African-Americans when she was “young and misinformed.”

“I want to take this moment to uncover an admittedly dark time in my life, and hope that it may serve as an opportunity for some to learn,” JuJu wrote in a post already surpassing 17,000 likes. “I grew up in a small town, and everyone around me did it, including my parents. But then, my owner moved to Portland, and my whole world opened up: I learned that everyone has feelings — not just dogs — and that those feelings can get hurt when I bark at someone just because of the color of their skin. I am sorry, and I am learning how to be a better JuJu.”

“#dogsofinstagram #instacute #pomsofinstagram #pomeranian #iamjujuhearmeroar #dogs #doglover #dogstagram #doggo #doglife #blacklivesmatter,” the post concluded.

The several-hundred word post, detailing numerous hardships JuJu has faced since exploring her own racial biases, were taken to heart by avid supporters of the dog’s platform.

“I just think what she’s doing is so brave, and soooo cute,” said @iamjuju_hearmeroar follower and human woman Lisa Briggs. “I don’t usually like it when the stuff I follow gets all political, but I kinda stopped reading once I got to the ‘more…’ thing anyway, and mostly just liked it for the black and white filtered pic of her in a ‘Notorious RBG’ onesie. She seems pretty passionate about whatever it was. I hope she posts about doggie daycare tomorrow — those are the best.”

Despite JuJu’s efforts to shine a light on her past mistakes, some are not satisfied, calling the post “performative designer dog bullshit.”

“Man, fuck that stupid post. It’s so obvious she’s afraid someone’s gonna call her out for being a racist piece of shit and she’s just covering her ass by laying it out first,” said fellow Instagram-famous dog Stripey. “And all that stuff about her being too young to know the impact of her actions? That was literally only seven dog years ago, and she was full-grown by that time anyway. You really wanna talk about being scared of what you don’t know? Try living in a studio apartment when the vacuum comes on. Go back to posting your black square, you fake-ass bitch.”

At press time, JuJu had posted several slides of herself sharing her dog bed with a miniature Schnauzer.