Opinion: Video Games are for Children. If You’re an Adult, You Should Stare at a Wall Until You Fucking Die

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

Listen, here’s the deal: there is absolutely nothing wrong with liking video games if you’re a child, but that needs to be the limit. The very moment you become 18 years old, you must pick up an adult hobby; something mature like knitting or staring at a wall until your eyes fall out of your head and you fucking die. 

Sorry gamers, but I am the arbiter of hobbies and you must comply.

Let’s start with Mario, for example. The red and blue overalls look is iconic and there’s nothing wrong with sporting a nice mustache. And also, you know… Bowser… uh…

OK.

I’m realizing more and more as I write this that I don’t actually have that much to say on this topic. As a column writer, though, I feel an increasing pressure to have not just the right opinions, but the best opinions. I need to have the only opinions. I need to distill a take so hot, it’s still glowing orange as I pull it out of my head.

This process has turned my brain into an apple sauce type mixture, filled with nothing but strange thoughts convincing me that every single person on Earth is operating under the same bizarre pressure. I assume that every person I interact with is making up their opinions to impress others. No one actually has beliefs. We’re all just playing a game.

Well NOT a game, because we’re adults. Gaming is for fucking children and if you disagree with me, you have an inferior mind. One you probably can’t even scoop into your mouth with a spoon.

I guess, at the end of the day, who am I to judge? I don’t really care how you spend your little lives as long as you click on my posts and tell me I’m a smart little boy. And no, that doesn’t mean I’ve “gamified” my life. I’ve adultified it. If you need me, I’ll be staring at this wall until I fucking die.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

How to Save Money by Cutting the Cord and Subscribing to Netflix, Hulu, Amazon, Hbo, Disney+, Apple TV+, CBS All Access, Oh Fuck

Posted on by Daniel Menegaz

I was once like you, barely able to pay for essentials like Tinder Plus while still having enough money leftover for avocados and bubble tea. Luckily, I’m here to help with the ultimate financial hack: Ditching cable TV and switching to streaming.

That’s right. Stop spending upwards of $50 a month for a bunch of crappy sports and news channels you’ll never watch and instead subscribe to Netflix. Sure, the big N’s selection may not be huge, but I’ve got a system for that. With all the money you’ll save cutting the cord, you can fill all the necessary media gaps by simply subscribing to Hulu, Amazon Prime, HBO Max, Disney+, Apple TV+, Shudder, Quibi, Peacock, and CBS All Access. And the best part? You’ll be saving upwards of negative $10 a month.

That can’t be right. Stupid calculator. Let me crunch the numbers again. The best part? You’ll be saving upwards of negative $25 a month.

Hmm… okay. Well, maybe you don’t need all of those streaming services. Who needs CBS All Access and Apple TV+? We’re in the internet age! Just use a VPN to get UK Netflix, mooch off your ex’s parent’s login, or use multiple 30-day free-trials. Still way better than cable.

I do kinda want to watch “Star Trek: Picard” though. Maybe swap CBS with Disney then switch back when “The Mandalorian” comes back. Or switch it with HBO Max when “Doom Patrol” is over. See? Simple.

Alright, fuck it. I’ll pirate everything. You think the FBI is really able to patrol everyone’s data? No way. This option will save you loads if you can deal with all the pop-ups. “Shady” websites like Putlocker, 123movies, Kisscartoon, and Pirate’s Bay have everything and don’t even really fuck with yØ∂¢ Ço˜m∏¨Áˇ‡flÇr.

Balls. Getting a virus removed is gonna set me back. This sucks. I’m just trying to save some cash. Why do I have to subscribe to so many streaming services anyway? Somebody should figure out a way to bundle together a bunch of services. Ooh, and you can jump between them all, like TV channels, you know? I would totally pay like $50 bucks a month for that.

Parents Relieved Teen’s Hardcore Neo-Nazism Mellows Into Garden Variety White Nationalism

Posted on by Brooks Gray

WICHITA, Kan. — Parents Tina and Dale Jeffries breathed a huge sigh of relief this week as their 16-year-old son Kyson’s militant fascism is finally taking on an easier-to-swallow form of white nationalism.

“Kyson is such a sweet boy. I’m thrilled he’s finally over that ugly skinhead phase,” said Mrs. Jeffries while she debated calling the cops on black neighbors nearby celebrating a birthday. “No more ‘n-word’ this and ‘Sieg Heil’ that — I mean, we have Jewish friends, for goodness sakes. He’s wearing much nicer clothes, and now spends most of his time educating himself on YouTube about how immigrants are destroying the American dream. I’m proud he’s finally ditched his hateful ways to learn about his heritage.”

Previously, Kyson has been suspended multiple times from his high school for wearing “white power” T-shirts and brandishing swastika-emblazoned paraphernalia, according to his guidance counselor Rudy Markowitz.

“Kyson is a little fucking Nazi dipshit, if you’ll pardon my French,” said Markowitz. “His parents think he’s reformed because he grew his hair out and started wearing pressed khakis, but he still believes all the red-pill fascist garbage he reads online. Now that he’s preppy and polite, everything’s fine as far as Tina and Dale are concerned.”

“God, I fucking hate this fucking job,” Markowitz added. “These are the types of kids you just pray end up dying in some sort of swimming pool accident before they hurt someone.”

Kyson now spends his free time as an administrator on the “Proud Defendors [sic] Of Western Civilisation [sic]” private Facebook group.

“The army boots, the shaved head, the SS gear… that’s kid stuff. I’m a very different person now,” said Kyson. “If we’re going to secure a future for our people, we have to be able to communicate our message to the normies — I mean, ordinary working Americans who believe in God, family, and country, and who support our president. Hitler had some good ideas, but he got a bit lost along the way.”

“I believe all people are equally entitled to a proud racial identity: black, white, brown, yellow, green, even purple!” Kyson added. “And I admire many aspects of the modern Jewish state of Israel. So I’m not anti-Semitic.”

At press time, Kyson’s father Dale Jeffries was at a local shooting range and unavailable for comment.

We Listened to Every Sufjan Stevens Album and Now We Are Giving Secret Handjobs in a Cornfield

Posted on by Ramona Apthorp

One of the many enjoyable aspects of writing for The Hard Times is being able to review the artists I love. This week, I thought it could be an interesting idea to look back on Sufjan Steven’s extensive catalog. However, what I didn’t account for was how this would lead me down a path full of handjobs framed by the backdrop of rural Illinois.

To say there has been a major shift in my life would be an understatement. Where I used to have quiet evenings spent with my wife of 5 years, I now instead lay awake with a pit in my chest every night thinking of lost lovers and the battle between trauma and recovery within a family setting. Strangely, the only thing that can take my mind off those thoughts, is sharing intimate moments with hundreds of anonymous gay lovers.

More specifically their magnificent penises.

When you consume 15 straight hours of beautifully crushing harmonies being whispered over a gentle yet persistent, piano melody, you reach a point where the only thing you need in life is a man named Anton to make passionate eye contact with you while you absolutely crank his hog to completion. I don’t know what it is about Stevens’ delightfully haunting lyrics that speak to my boner, but they truly do. I have never felt both as religious and horny as I have since doing this deep dive into Stevens’s catalog.

Is this just who I am now? Will I ever be satisfied with anything other than gobbling a knob while surrounded by sturdy and steadfast stocks of Illinois corn? I don’t even live in Illinois. I flew here for the sole purpose of sharing tender sexual moments in a cornfield.

An overwhelming feeling of peace has washed over me. A peace that feels like terror. Is this newfound peace dependent on moments of the flesh? Is that what I now gage comfort by? This is what scares me. I may never be able to shake this. I must accept that this is me now. A married man who can not stop giving passionate handjobs in the cornfields of rural Illinois. This is a sad outcome, but the sadness just fuels my craving for my flesh to be pressed against another man’s chest.

Anyway, I give Sufjan Stevens’ catalog a 6.5 out of 10.

Cop Pauses to Remember Chokeholds Now Illegal Before Murdering Innocent Person

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

NEW YORK — NYPD officer Martin Stuart heroically paused earlier today to reflect that chokeholds are now an illegal use of force in New York City before shooting an innocent man 17 times in the chest, according to multiple witnesses filming from their phones.

“I was walking around Brooklyn on patrol when I suddenly felt a strange and unknowable fear wash over me. I couldn’t tell where it was from, but I looked around and saw a black guy carrying a bag of produce, so I figured it must have been his fault,” Stuart explained. “I knew I needed to subdue him fast, so I ran up behind him and slapped on a choke… and then I realized, I can’t do this anymore — it’s a crime to use chokeholds, and I refuse to be a criminal, like this guy probably was. I pushed him away and shot him instead. I’m just happy I was able to get out of there alive.”

The victim, 16-year-old Marvin Wood, died at the scene. His mother, Christine Wood, spoke out against the incident.

“I will miss my son every day for the rest of my life, but I thank God that he didn’t suffer slowly while a guy with less training than a dog groomer choked him to death,” Wood said at a rally to reform the police. “The incremental steps towards police reform are clearly working. I want to thank all of our politicians for making sure that innocent people who are extrajudicially killed at the hands of police officers are dying much more quickly.”

New York City mayor Bill de Blasio highlighted the importance of the police reform bill he passed focusing on chokeholds.

“This is a monumental time in our culture — and trust me when I say this — I almost said it was a monumental ‘CP time’ in our culture, but I learned my lesson when everybody got mad at me last time I did, back in 2016,” de Blasio said. “When Eric Garner said ‘I can’t breathe’ in 2014, it shook me to my core. It was something we needed to make sure never, ever, happened again. Well, I’m glad that it no longer can, through our banning of police chokeholds. Now innocent people will die before they even know what hit them.”

de Blasio has since announced that he will rollback legislation to end police chokeholds on citizens after the NYPD reportedly asked “very nicely.”

Can You Violate the Geneva Conventions in Slime Rancher, Destiny, and Resident Evil 4?

Posted on by Giovanni Colantonio

Tiger Force is the moniker of an infamous United States battalion who were known for committing countless crimes during the Vietnam War. It’s no surprise that “Tiger Force” also sounds like it could be the name of the next Activision game, or your average Destiny clan. This is no coincidence; linguistics aren’t the only thing that link video games to war time crimes. Don’t believe me? Strap in for another rundown of ways you can violate the Geneva Conventions in your favorite games.

In Slime Rancher, you head off to another planet and decide to farm its local creatures. The colonization aspects are obvious, but less apparent are the ways this opens you up for war crimes. Putting the local slimes in literal cages makes them prisoners, and thus they must be treated as such. Per article 27 of the 3rd Geneva Convention: “Clothing, underwear and footwear shall be supplied to prisoners of war.” When’s the last time you offered your slimes a pair of pants? Disgusting.

The Outer Space Treaty is a bit of a catch-all for any video game that doesn’t take place on Earth. In the case of Destiny and its sequel, your Guardian directly violates the mandate specifying that “the Moon shall be used exclusively for peaceful purposes.” It doesn’t matter who started the conflict; when you throw your void bomb at the Moon’s surface, you’re no better than the Hive. Zavala would be so disappointed in you.

 

If you’ve played Resident Evil 4, you’re familiar with Los Illuminados. Leon grapples with this sinister cult throughout the game, but he’s not always the good guy in this conflict. During one specific section, Leon essentially breaks into their castle and begins killing the religious leaders one by one. Since article 9 of Additional Protocol II lays out the need for religious personnel to be “respected and protected,” Leon is essentially carrying out a church massacre here. Maybe Las Plagas aren’t so bad after all.

This one is a very serious matter. The Red Cross is not a toy; it is an important medical symbol exclusively reserved for life-saving medicine and personnel. Games that misuse the emblem are violating a very real crime. Just ask Stardew Valley, which had to replace red crosses with green ones in 2018. Game developers: if you want to avoid jail time, I urge you to stick to hearts.

This one’s a bit of a bonus for anyone who’s sick of acting out digital war crimes and wants to start committing them in real life. If you join the U.S. Army’s esports team, you can kill two (or 2,000) birds with one bomb. You better start firming up your K/D ratio if you want to enlist though, because there’s no respawning IRL.

Triangle Button Just Happy to Be Included

Posted on by Chandler Dean

PS4 CONTROLLER — Though it is used sparingly in many gameplay situations, local PS4 button Triangle insisted that it is happy just to be included on the controller in the first place.

“Some buttons have job security. Take Home, for example,” Triangle explained. “Every controller needs to make the menu come up. But ‘Triangle’ doesn’t inherently signify anything. I’m just here to do whatever. How am I any different from, like, a Y button? I’m not.”

A neighbor of Triangle’s, Square, expressed sympathy for Triangle’s situation.

“Look, most of the other buttons have a tribe,” Square outlined. “L3 has L1 and L2. R3 has R1 and R2. Even Select has Start, for God’s sake. But for the Big 4, it’s kind of every button for itself. Me? I’m the ‘block’ guy in fighting games. It’s not much, but it’s what I have.”

One of Triangle’s more distant colleagues, the D-pad, shared Triangle’s sense of paranoia.

“I just try to keep a low profile and hope no one notices I’m still around,” D-pad admitted. “I mean, seriously, why do I still exist? If I’m lucky I get to be mapped for shortcuts. More often than that, though, I’m a less functional, redundant control stick.”

“Or worse,” D-pad shuddered, “a camera angle adjuster.”

At press time, a gamer hit Triangle, making the character on screen exclaim “BRAAAH!”

Evil Villain Ensures Lair’s Air Vents Extra Wide

Posted on by Jordan Breeding

POLYNESIAN ISLAND — Self-proclaimed villain Bixby “Moggie Man” Middlegrift took extra pains to ensure his new lair would be built with “extra wide” air vents, according to intelligence reports leaked by whistleblowers.

“If I can’t have decent air conditioning with vents large enough to accomodate one adult man or a duo of foxy lady ninjas, what’s the point of being filthy rich and extremely evil? Sorry, I repeated myself there,” said Middlegrift, stroking a cat that very clearly died weeks ago. “Everything must be larger and more extravagant than necessary. This isn’t some slovenly apartment — this is Moggie Man’s lair, damnit!”

Work was expected to be completed in time for Middlegrift to perform a dramatic Christmas Eve heist, but constant tweaks and additions have pushed the end date back repeatedly.

“I had to special-order these huge vents from the guy who designed Nakatomi Plaza, which took forever and was not cheap,” said contractor Harvey “Two Legs” Johnson. “What I really don’t understand is why we put down carpeting. And, like, why in the world would we need to build an entire lounge area with a vending machine and a computer that connects to the main frame right in the middle of one of the ducts? Is he insane, or really cocky? Or both? I just don’t get it.”

But even as Middlegrift’s requests confuse laypersons, experts say most of his improvements are considered standard.

“Once you reach a certain level, all supervillains include things like extra wide air vents, or security lasers you have to do a sexy dance to get through,” explained super spy Steel Longshaft, shooting a dart out of his wristwatch at a man who was sneaking up behind him. “When I was just starting out, I remember one petty criminal whose hideout was this old, abandoned Wendy’s — it took me hours to wriggle through the shitty little vent while he awkwardly waited for me by the broken fryer. By the time I finally apprehended him, we were both extremely embarrassed about the whole thing.”

Further delaying completion, Middlegrift allegedly demanded builders include a way to access his lair by swimming through an underwater series of tunnels, while also requesting there be several hundred additional janitor’s closets, with unused custodial uniforms, spread out across the compound.

Anti-Vaxxer Parents Promote Youngest Child To Oldest Child

Posted on by Nick Ortolani

NASSAU, N.Y. — Local parents and staunch anti-vaxxers Shannon and Dane Wittle will promote their youngest child Ayden to the position of oldest child following the preventable death of his older brother Chris, angered and confused sources report.

“Ayden is very excited for this opportunity,” explained Dane Wittle of their 26-month-old son. “He’s wanted to be the big boy for so long now — just the other day, he climbed up and stood on the kitchen counter all by himself. We look forward to seeing what Ayden brings to the position of oldest child while maintaining his younger-child responsibilities. Long-term, while adjusting to the pressures of multiple, simultaneous school grades might be a challenge, we’re sure Ayden will apply the same level of determination he’s currently demonstrating with potty training.”

Health experts say Ayden is just part of a growing number of children whose parents shun vaccination and would rather expose them to deadly diseases rather than learning to love a child who theoretically may “develop” autism — a claim repeatedly debunked by scientists worldwide.

“I guess he’s my best friend now,” remarked Brandon Malone, 13. “I’m not sure how much me and Ayden are gonna have in common. I mean, I like skateboarding, and Ayden only seems interested in fitting shapes into shape-shaped holes. I don’t even think Ayden knows he has a girlfriend yet… or a boyfriend, for that matter. Man, I miss Chris. At least I get to keep his stuff until Ayden is old enough for it, if he makes it that far.”

Doctors are concerned that widespread anti-vaccination efforts could have grim repercussions for public health, and encourage parents to not be “such stupid little dipshits.”

“I guess my 30 years of medical experience is overruled by a YouTube video with 3,000 views,” lamented epidemiologist Dr. Meredith Mercidieu. “I can’t believe these people think they’re scientific authorities — one anti-vaxxer patient of mine thinks you can’t pregnant if you just pee hard enough after sex, and another thinks you can avoid polio by rubbing tomatoes on your legs.”

“The best I’ve come up with is to diagnose them all with epilepsy. I know it’s a lie, but at least they won’t be able to drive anymore,” she added. “Can’t spread the virus if you can’t go anywhere. They all live in the suburbs, so you know they won’t walk anywhere.”

At press time, Ayden Wittle had developed a cough, signaling a possible career opportunity for the family dog.

If We Cancel Joe Rogan, What Am I Gonna Listen to During Sex If I Ever Have It

Posted on by Louie Aronowitz

Joe Rogan is in danger of being canceled and we cannot let this happen. Canceling a voice like Joe Rogan’s is a slippery slope to restricting the rights of all Americans. How will we express our First Amendment right to free speech if those who do are canceled? How will we preserve our right to a fair trial when our guilt is determined before one even starts? Most importantly, how will my future lover lay me down and sensually, but gently, take my virginity in a bed of rose petals, while the most sensual of all podcasts is playing in the background if it no longer exists.

God, I’m gettin’ so horned up thinking about Joe just talkin’ it out.

Remember the episode of him talking to Jordan Peterson about the failings of modern liberal ideology? Without Joe there to say, “Marxism? Now that’s interesting,” how will I ever get things going down there? I can’t cum unless I hear Joe react to the deconstruction of radical progressivism.

It’s not all about the sex. What about when I go on a date? Picture it: we’re driving to a restaurant, the van windows are down, there’s a beautiful sunset, and a light evening breeze is treating my date and me to a delightful dance from the Joey Diaz bobblehead on my dash. The only thing needed to complete this mood and ensure an incredible night is Joe chatting it up with Ben Shapiro about pronouns. I’m pretty certain this is the right move and I plan to test this theory as soon as someone agrees to go on a date with me but I can only do so if the Joe Rogan Experience remains uncanceled and available on all podcasting platforms.

Trust me. I may not have experienced any of this stuff first hand but I have an excellent sense of logical deduction so I can say without a shred of doubt, Joe Rogan’s pod is the ideal soundtrack to doing the nasty. Hopefully, he’ll do an episode about why these dog-brained women always end dates so early and abruptly. At the very least, please don’t cancel him until he figures that one out!

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